 |
| Sotir's Health Problem |
Sotir went to a pharmacy that was owned by two sisters. One of them greeted him and, with a polite smile, said:
- How can I help you, sir?
At that, Sotir glanced quickly left and right, and when he saw that no one else was in the room, gathered the courage to state his problem:
- You see, the thing is that lately I have way too much sexual stamina. Even ten times a day is too little for me. This situation really bothers me because I am preoccupied with it non-stop. On top of that, an unusually strong erection is causing me extra problems. I feel very uncomfortable telling you all this, but I had to come to you. What could you give me for this?
After listening to him carefully, the pharmacist said:
- Allow me, sir, to consult with my sister, and together we will decide what we can give you! I believe we will give you something you'll be very happy with.
The pharmacist went into the back room and, after a minute or two, returned to Sotir:
- You know, sir, I just spoke with my sister, and we've decided that we can give you $55 an hour and a $5,000 signing bonus! |
|
| Sotir and the Goldfish |
One weekend, Sotir decided to go fishing. He didn't have much luck, but after two or three hours of waiting, he managed to catch a goldfish. And naturally, like every good goldfish, this one offered to grant Sotir one wish in exchange for setting it free. Without much thought, Sotir told the fish:
- Lately I've developed a fear of flying by plane and sailing by boat. So please build me a bridge from Canada to Europe so I can drive my car to my Macedonia!
And the fish answered him:
- Hmm... Look, Sotir, that's impossible to do. It's such a huge distance and immense depths, so I really cannot do that. I'm not all-powerful either. Please, make another wish!
At that, Sotir paused to think for a moment and said:
- Well, alright... Then make Menka Miss Canada!
- Oh, that's no problem! - said the fish, asking for a photograph to see Menka. Sotir pulled a photograph out of his wallet, and the fish stared at it for a long time, fell into deep thought, began shaking its head from side to side, and finally asked Sotir:
- Look, Sotir, here's the thing... Did you want that bridge to Europe to have 2 or 4 lanes? |
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| Oh, Sotir, how long can this go on!? |
One evening while watching TV, Sotir jumped up and said to Menka:
- Menche darling, I've got this bad feeling and I need some fresh air. I'm going to take a walk to the mall and I'll be back in 10-15 minutes!
And Menka replied:
- Oh, Sotir... If I didn't know you, I might actually believe you!
Sotir went, of course, to the nearest bar and ordered a beer. While he was drinking his beer, a girl with a low-cut neckline and a short, tight skirt came up to him and, in a soft, gentle voice, said to Sotir:
- Don't hold it against me for approaching you even though I don't know you, but I'd like to ask if you could show me around the city! I'm new here, so I'm sure you know how it feels...!
Sotir quickly downed his beer, winked at his new acquaintance, and after a short drive through the streets of Toronto, they ended up in a motel room.
A few hours later, Sotir returned home, and before heading inside, pulled some chalk out of his pocket and rubbed it all over the palms of his hands.
Menka, still awake, greeted him in an angry voice:
- Let's see what lie you come up with now!
- Oh, Menche darling... Something unbelievable happened to me! I went, of course, to the nearest bar and ordered a beer. While I was drinking my beer, a girl with a low-cut neckline and a short, tight little skirt came up to me and asked if I could show her around town... Supposedly she was new here! And after a short drive, we ended up in a motel room!
And Menka replied:
- Cut the nonsense, Sotir, and show me the palms of your hands!
Sotir showed them to her, and Menka flew into a rage:
- Oh, Sotir, you've been bowling again... How long can this go on!? |
|
| Sotir at Niagara Falls |
During a weekend at Niagara Falls, the main attraction for numerous tourists was jumping off the falls themselves. It was hard to find anyone brave enough for such a feat, so the tourists looked for ways to convince those hesitating whether to do it or not.
They started trying to convince an American, and nothing worked until someone thought to tell him that TV cameras were filming. At that, the American jumped without hesitation.
Then they set upon a Frenchman. Among other things, they told him that cameras were filming too, but that didn't help either. Finally, someone thought of a trick a Frenchman would fall for, and said:
- Jumping is all the rage right now!
When the Frenchman heard that, he immediately threw himself over the falls.
However, next came our Sotir's turn. The tourists pleaded with him, promising him money and various prizes to jump, but nothing helped. They tried the already-tested methods too, informing him about the TV cameras and that jumping was in fashion, but Sotir told them he cared about neither television nor fashion. Finally, they found Sotir's 'weak spot'—one of the tourists, realizing that Sotir was Macedonian, shouted:
- Jumping is forbidden here!
To which Sotir retorted:
- Forbidden where?! Who are you telling it's forbidden???
And he finally plunged into the wild waters of Niagara. |
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| Sotir and the European Woman |
One evening Sotir went out for some nightlife and met a blonde tourist from Europe at a bar. Sotir treated his new 'friend' to a drink, then took her to the CN Tower, walked her through the streets of Toronto, then along the lake, and finally they rented a room in a motel. Sotir decided to show himself in the best possible light, and after her first scream, he asked her:
- Are you finish?
And the European woman, with a trembling voice, only replied curtly: - No!
Sotir didn't want to leave her with poor memories, so with even greater effort he tried to show her his skills. When after a while he felt shaking again and heard a scream, the same question followed once more:
- Are you finish?
And once again, a short reply came from the beautiful European woman: - No!
At that, Sotir was already starting to panic, but he didn't give up on his mission. This time he made superhuman efforts, and when that moment arrived, completely exhausted, he asked:
- Are you finish?
And the European woman looked at him with a gentle smile, stroked his cheek, and replied:
- Nooo... I'm Swedish! |
|
| Sotir at a Hotel |
At 5:00 a.m., the phone rings at the hotel front desk.
- Hello, front desk!
- Yes, how may I help you?
- My name is Sotir, and I'd like to ask if the hotel nightclub will open anytime soon!
- No, I'm sorry... It's much too early to open!
Half an hour later, the phone rings again.
- Sotir calling again. Will you be opening the nightclub soon?
- I'm sorry, Mr. Sotir, but that won't be happening soon. You'll just have to be more patient!
And once again, half an hour later, Sotir calls:
- Hello, front desk... Will the hotel nightclub finally open?
This time the desk clerk answered irritably:
- NO! We don't open the nightclub until tonight, and until then there's no way for you to get into the bar!
To which Sotir replied:
- But please excuse me... I'm not asking so I can get INTO the bar, but so I can GET OUT!!! |
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| The Pest of a Waiter |
One evening Sotir, disillusioned with life, went to a bar in Brampton. He ordered drink after drink, draining them rapidly, until finally, when he raised a hand to the waiter for another round, the waiter walked over and said to Sotir:
- Excuse me, sir, but you'll have to leave this bar. We can't serve you any more drinks!
- But why, waiter? Come on, just one more... why you gotta be like that?
- No further discussion. Leave the bar immediately!
Sotir walked out, weaving uncontrollably left and right, and by accident found himself in front of the same bar again. He walked inside and ordered a drink right from the door.
- Sir, I told you that you won't be getting any more drinks tonight. Look at the state of you!?
- Sotir left again, but about 10 minutes later, there he was at the door once more:
- Waiter, come on, pour me something to drink!
- Sir, you are dead drunk. I repeat once more: no more drinking for you tonight!
Sotir clutched his head with both hands and shouted at the waiter:
- Good grief, man... just how many bars do you work at??? |
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| Until Our Business Takes Off |
Sotir and his friend Spase saw that an ordinary paycheck doesn't allow a person all kinds of luxuries, so they decided to start a private business. They brainstormed what could bring them good earnings in a short period of time, and the choice fell on opening a brothel. However, after a month or two had passed, our new entrepreneurs were asked by friends how business was going. Along with the others, Spiro asked Sotir:
- Hey Sotir... Is it going to work out? Is business looking up?
- Ohhh, it's going great! We're pleasantly surprised by how many clients swarmed in right from the start. We're buried in work. We work day and night.
- Really!? And how many girls did you hire at the brothel?
- Well, you see... That'll happen soon too... But until our business really takes off and until we get on our feet, so to speak, Spase and I decided to work IT OURSELVES! |
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| Easy for You, Captain! |
A few years after Sotir's arrival in Canada, our hero decided to visit his family in Macedonia. On his way back from Skopje, about 15 minutes after takeoff, the captain addressed the passengers over the intercom:
"Dear passengers, this is your captain speaking. Welcome to flight 778 on the scheduled service from Skopje to Budapest. We are currently flying at an altitude of 2,800 meters. The outside temperature is minus 15 degrees Celsius. Weather conditions are excellent, winds moderate, so we can expect a smooth and pleasant flight. I hope that... OH, MY GOD!!!"
At that moment, dead silence took over the plane. After about half a minute of anticipation, the captain's voice was heard again:
"My sincere apologies if I frightened you, dear passengers, but while I was speaking, the flight attendant brought me coffee, tripped, and spilled hot coffee all over me. Just imagine what my pants look like in the front!"
At that, Sotir shouted out loud:
"Easy for you, Captain... Come see what my pants look like from BEHIND!" |
|
| Sotir the Cowboy |
Ever since he was a little boy, Sotir had wanted to buy real cowboy boots. One day he saw boots in a shop window, exactly like the ones he had imagined.
He decided to buy them, walked out of the store wearing the cowboy boots, and went home full of joy and pride. He walked through the door and immediately asked Menka:
- Do you notice any change in me, sweetheart?
Menka took a look at him and answered curtly:
- No!
Exasperated, Sotir went into the bedroom, stripped buck naked just as the day he was born, keeping on only his new cowboy boots. Once again he posed the same question to Menka:
- Come on, darling, look at me one more time... Do you notice any change?
Menka looked at him again, shook her head from side to side, and said:
- Nothing! What change? Your 'gun' was pointed down before, and it's just the same now!
Angry, Sotir started shouting:
- IT'S NOT POINTED DOWN... IT'S JUST LOOKING IN THE DIRECTION OF MY NEW BOOTS!!!
Menka clutched her head with both hands and shouted back at Sotir:
- OH SOTIR! HURRY UP AND GO BUY YOURSELF A HAT!!! |
|
| Menka Attends a Course |
Every night Sotir would go out to taverns and come home very late. And poor Menka would always wait up for him. But one night, Sotir came home and Menka wasn't there. Unease overcame him, so he sat down to wait for her. Sure enough, Menka returned at 4:00 a.m. Sotir jumped up and asked her:
- Where have you been, woman?
- Right here, Sotir, I'm coming back from a course!
- A course!? What course, Menka? A course at this hour!? Is that 's' at the end just for camouflage, maybe?
- Not for camouflage, Sotir... it's for plural! |
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| You've Completely Changed! |
At one of the Macedonian picnics organized this summer, Sotir, all excited, approached a man who was leaning against his car.
- What's up, Kiro, old pal? Don't tell me you came to Canada too? Come on, Kiro... in Skopje you were driving a little jalopy, and here I see a little Chevy, huh? You've changed your lifestyle, I see. And you've changed your dress style too.
- The confused man tried unsuccessfully to interrupt Sotir:
- But sir...!
- What do you mean 'but', Kiro??? - Sotir continued, clapping the man on the shoulder the whole time. - And what did you say? Sir? Oh come on, Kiro, back in Macedonia you used to call me 'bumpkin', and here it's 'sir'! But Kiro... I gotta tell you, this new haircut suits you better. On the other hand, man, you've really put on a belly. Oh, Kiro. You've completely changed. I barely recognized you, you've changed so much!
- But sir, I am not Kiro. My name is Blagoja!
- Oh, Kiro, my poor Kiro... You've even changed your name!!! |
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| My Chest is Burning, Sotir |
Sotir and Menka were celebrating their wedding anniversary. Sitting in the dining room that morning, Sotir said to Menka:
- Menche, I was just thinking about something. We've been married 25 years, right?
- That's right, honey!
- For 25 years we've been sitting at this same table together. Do you remember how lovely it was when we were young and used to eat breakfast naked?
- Wait now! Hold on! What are you trying to say? Do you want us to strip down?
- Well, what would it hurt, Menche? Let's rekindle some memories!
They both undressed and went on eating breakfast, when after a while, with a trembling voice and a seductive look, Menka remarked:
- Do you know what I feel, sweetheart? My breasts are burning just like when we were young.
- Well, of course they're burning, Menka!? Take a look: your left breast is in the coffee, and your right one is in the scrambled eggs! |
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| Sotir Isn't Afraid of Pain |
Sotir went to the dentist and asked right from the doorway:
- How much do you charge, please, for pulling a tooth?
The dentist answered him:
- Well, the price for a tooth extraction is $75, but I hope you are covered by some kind of insurance!
- No, I don't have dental insurance. That's why I'd like to ask if there's any way to get by cheaper!?
- I apologize, but we work according to that fee schedule and no discounts are possible. We have expenses too, you know. Our anesthesia is quite expensive, but it's very effective!
- Anesthesia!? - Sotir thought for a moment. - And what about pulling a tooth without anesthesia? Would it be cheaper then?
- But please!? That is excruciating pain! What do you mean, without anesthesia!?
- Just like that... How much will the tooth extraction cost without anesthesia?
- Hmm! In that case, you must be an extraordinarily brave man! Then I would charge you only $25. May I take a look at the condition of the tooth?
- Certainly, Doctor! - Sotir said, turning toward Menka:
- Go ahead, honey, show the doctor the tooth that's hurting you! |
|
| Sotir at a Brothel |
Sotir went to a brothel in Scarborough and, among the girls there, chose a Black woman. In fact, he picked the most stunning one. The girl took him into a room, undressed, and lay down on the bed. Sotir, instead of undressing himself, just walked up to the woman, spread her legs, and began examining her... from the left, from the right... stepped in close to get a good look, then stepped back a little... And after a while, he said to her:
- Okay... thank you very much, darling! Tell me how much I need to pay you so I can go!
Confused, the woman asked him:
- Aren't you going to do anything to me!? Did you not like me?
- Oh nooo... I'm renovating my bathrooms at home and I just wanted to see what pink grout looks like on black tiles! |
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| Sotir the Fisherman |
Sotir was returning from the lake with a bag full of fish. The warden caught him and said...
- So, you're fishing when it's forbidden, huh?
- No, no, these are my pets... you know, household pets. Every day I bring them to the lake, let them swim around, and afterwards they return to me on their own and I take them home. It's like that every day!
- Come on, don't kid with me. Where have you ever seen tame fish?!
- Well, let me release them and you'll see. Do you want to see for yourself?
- Fine! I don't know why, but I have a feeling you're trying to make a fool out of me.
Sotir released the fish into the lake and they sat down to wait for them to return, when after half an hour of waiting, the warden asked:
- Well?
- Well what?
- Well, where are your fish?
- What fish? |
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| Clever Sotir |
Sotir went to a bank in Downtown Toronto and started a conversation with the loan officer:
- Look, I need a $5,000 loan. I have to travel to Macedonia and you know how it is... gifts, this, that...!
The loan officer answered him:
- No problem, sir, but you know how things work. Some kind of collateral is required for us to give you the money.
Sotir agreed and handed the loan officer the keys to a new, modern van worth $60,000 that was parked right in front of the bank. The bank staff checked what needed checking and concluded that everything was in order. Sotir received the money he requested. The bank manager and all the clerks had a good laugh at the expense of Sotir, who left a $60,000 vehicle for a mere $5,000 in cash. Then one of the bank employees took Sotir's van down into the bank garage.
Two weeks later, Sotir returned from Macedonia, repaid the money, paid interest in the amount of $17.09, and got the keys to his van back. The bank manager said to Sotir:
- Thank you very much for doing business with us. This transaction went very smoothly. But one thing strikes us as strange. In the meantime, we checked your background and saw that you have plenty of money in your account. What was your motivation to pay interest when you already have your own money? We're a bit puzzled and surprised by that.
And Sotir smiled and said to the manager:
- Well, do you have a better idea where I can park my car in Downtown Toronto for two weeks for only $17.09? |
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| Guardian Angel |
Sotir was walking, deep in thought, through Toronto, when suddenly 'out of nowhere' an unfamiliar voice called out to him:
- "STOP!"
Confused, Sotir stopped in his tracks, and right in front of him a flower pot fell and shattered on the sidewalk. Sotir looked around to see who it was that had just saved his life, but there was no one around him. Sotir kept walking, contemplating what had just happened to him. And just as he was about to cross the street, the same voice shouted at him again:
- "STOP!"
Sotir stopped once again, and right in front of him a car rushed past at tremendous speed. Sotir saw again that there was no one beside him, so he decided to ask:
- Alright then, who are you, saving my life twice?
- Well, I am your guardian angel! - the same voice answered him.
- And why can't I see you?
- Ah, because I am very tiny. I am smaller than even one millimeter!
- Could you stand on the palm of my hand so I can see you? - asked Sotir, extending his hand. The guardian angel flew down and answered him:
- Sure... here I am! Do you see me?
- Instead of answering, Sotir slammed his other hand down hard onto his palm, at the same time asking in absolute fury:
- And where the hell were you when I was marrying Menka??? |
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| Sotir Drunk Again |
Driving along the Gardiner, Sotir was pulled over by the police for the umpteenth time. And the officer addressed him:
- Sir, you were moving rather erratically on the roadway. Have you been drinking?
- Oh yes, officer... not just drunk, I'm soaked like a sponge!
- We will have to do a breathalyzer test now, so please blow into this breathalyzer!
- Why should I blow? Don't you believe that I'm drunk!?
- I believe you, sir, but we have to establish your blood alcohol level. But let me ask you something else... Are you aware that by driving in your condition, you endanger not only your own life, but the lives of other drivers on the road as well? As well as the lady next to you?
- She isn't 'the lady', she's Menka.
- Well, alright, let it be Menka... but let me ask you, does Menka have a driver's license?
- She does!
- Then why didn't you let Menka drive since you are so drunk?
- Whaaat??? Let Menka drive??? Officer, just because I'm drunk doesn't mean I'm crazy! |
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| Sotir the Beggar |
Sotir was out of a job and decided to try begging to make some money. One day a businessman passed by and tossed Sotir a $50 bill. From then on, every day the businessman tossed Sotir the exact same kind of bill. One day, as the businessman walked past Sotir, he tossed only $2. Sotir didn't react, but when he kept receiving only $2 for several consecutive days, Sotir decided to ask:
- Hey friend, can you tell me why you started giving me only $5? Did I offend you somehow? Did I do something wrong?
- No, no... it's just that I have a lot of expenses these days... I'm building a new house!
At that, Sotir reacted angrily:
- A new house, huh? Well, bravo! You decided to build a house on my back??? |
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| Sotir Sets a Sales Record |
Sotir went looking for a job in Brampton and managed to get hired at Canadian Tire. On his very first day, Sotir brought in a record $150,000 in sales. The manager couldn't believe it and asked him how he managed to do it:
- Well, it was like this: a guy came in to buy a fishing hook, and along the way I also sold him some sinkers.
Then I reminded him to buy a high-quality line and rod that could catch big fish. And since he bought such top-quality tackle, I suggested he consider a motorboat. Once he agreed on the motorboat, I explained that his old car couldn't tow the boat, and I sold him an SUV. That's how I made $150,000 in sales.
- I really don't understand, Sotir, how you pulled all that off when the man just came in to buy a single ordinary fishing hook.
- Oh no, boss, he didn't actually come to buy a fishing hook, but pads for his wife, so I asked him why he wouldn't go fishing since his weekend was ruined anyway! |
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| Caught You in a Lie, Sotir! |
One day Sotir was late for work, and right at the door he was met by his furious boss:
- Sotir, you know very well how much work there is today, and that I specifically emphasized I didn't want any of you being late today of all days. Try to give me a good reason if you want to avoid penalties for your tardiness!
- Well boss, this story might sound unbelievable, but here's what happened... All kinds of bad luck followed me this morning, boss! First, my alarm clock didn't ring, but somehow I woke up on my own. Menka was supposed to drive me to the GO Train this morning. And she was ready in 10 minutes, but our car wouldn't start. We called a cab, but that crazy cab driver crashed into a parked bus. I started running so I wouldn't be late, when a cop stopped me just because I looked like some criminal wanted by the police. Fortunately, the cop quickly realized I wasn't that criminal, so somehow I managed, relatively quickly—drenched in sweat from running—to reach the GO Train. But no sooner had the train departed than it stopped after just one minute of riding. They announced that the reason was a woman had gone into labor on the train. And all of that was the reason for my being late, boss!
- Sotir, Sotir... you didn't have to try so hard, because I caught you in a lie right away, Sotir!
- Why don't you believe me, boss? What do you think I lied about? Where did you catch me in a lie?
- Well Sotir, I simply cannot believe that Menka was actually ready in 10 minutes! |
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| I'm Not Stupid, Menka! |
One day when Sotir returned from work, he slammed his fist on the table and said to Menka:
- I'm not stupid, Menka, like people say here and there! It's just that I don't have time to read newspapers so I can join in conversations with other people. But I've decided, Menka, that I'm entering 'that' world too. And so, starting tomorrow, every morning I want a newspaper next to my bed. When I wake up, I want my day to start right away with a newspaper.
Menka accepted the chore without objection:
- All right, Sotir... I'll buy and bring you a newspaper every day!
And Menka thought to herself: 'Why should I spend money every day when I can just bring him the exact same newspaper every day?'
And so Menka started doing that, bringing Sotir a newspaper every morning. And Sotir read, and read!
And at the end of the first week, Sotir observed with satisfaction:
- Oh Menka, Menka! And yet they call ME stupid!? What should this poor guy say... in Brampton some guy crashes his motorcycle in the exact same spot every single day!!! Ha... and then they say I was the stupid one! |
|
| Menka's Depression |
Sotir and Menka went to the doctor because Menka had begun showing signs of depression. Menka spoke with the doctor for nearly a full hour, and then the doctor said to Menka:
All right, Menka, now I'd like to ask you to step out into the waiting room for a moment so I can speak with Sotir in private.
- Doctor, is there something you don't want to tell me? - Menka asked worriedly.
- No, no... I just want to discuss something with Sotir!
And so they did. Menka stepped out, and a puzzled Sotir entered the doctor's office and asked:
- What's going on, doc? Why did you call me in?
- Well Sotir, here is what this is about... Everything is fine with Menka. Her health is excellent. I'm not even going to prescribe any medication. The only thing that needs to be done is something you yourself have to do, which is why I called you in for a little chat. Sotir, you're going to have to help Menka more around the house. You need to take on a large share of the household chores. You need to give Menka a lot more attention. Show her a lot more love. That is all she needs!
The doctor finished with his advice, Sotir thanked him, and set off for home with Menka. And Menka immediately asked him:
- Sotir, is there something serious wrong with me that the doctor wanted to hide from me? Please tell me honestly!
- Menka, you're fit as a fiddle! There's absolutely nothing wrong with you, but I must tell you, Menka, there is no cure for you! |
|
| Successful in Their Businesses |
While playing poker, Sotir and his three friends were talking about the successes of their sons.
- My son's business took off so well that he recently gave a friend of his the latest model Dodge Caravan as a gift.
- My son's real estate business is doing so well too that he recently gave a friend of his a cottage at Wasaga Beach as a gift.
- Well, what can I tell you!? My son is doing so well with stock trading that he recently gave a friend of his $100,000 worth of Canadian stocks as a gift.
Sotir listened to this talk, so he decided to brag about his own son too:
- Well, my son is gay. He works in some gay bar as a pole dancer. But he must be great in bed too, because recently he received as gifts the latest model Dodge Caravan, a cottage at Wasaga Beach, and $100,000 worth of Canadian stocks. |
|
| Who Had the Bigger Ranch? |
A coworker of Sotir's was bragging that he had a huge ranch in Northern Ontario. Going on about how the ranch was this and that, supposedly close to the highway, fertile land, supposedly close to the lakes, and so on and so forth.
- Ohhh Sotir, you could only dream of a ranch like that in your Macedonia.
And Sotir, annoyed, said to him:
- What do you think? I come from Timbuktu? Mate, I had a ranch in Macedonia too. Two whole decares!
- Heh heh... Well Sotir, do you know that on my ranch, when I set off in my car from one end in the morning, I didn't reach the other side until evening?
- Ohhh, you poor thing... I feel for you! I had a car like that too, practically a rust bucket. I barely managed to sell it before leaving for Canada. |
|
| Sotir and Spase in Cuba |
Sotir and Spase went on vacation to Cuba by themselves. After two weeks they returned to their dear wives, and the very next day they met up to complain to each other:
- Sotir, I gotta tell you, I realized my wife is cheating on me... with a rooster.
- Come on, stop joking, where did you get the rooster thing from?
- Well, I found a feather in the bedroom.
- Eh... that's nothing... Menka is cheating on me with a truck. Imagine, I found a truck driver in bed! |
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| Sotir, Menka, and the Genie |
Sotir and Menka were playing tennis. But Menka wasn't much of a player, so she smashed the ball right into a window. They went to the house to apologize to the owner. They walked inside and saw a broken window, a broken vase, and a guy sitting in an armchair.
- We apologize for the trouble we caused...
- Not at all, I'm grateful to you. You freed me from the vase I was trapped in for 200 years. I am a good genie, and now I will grant you 3 wishes, provided the last one can be mine.
- No problem, - said Sotir, - I want 1 million dollars deposited into my account every single day.
- And I want, - said Menka, - a three-story house with a finished basement in every part of Toronto, with a swimming pool, two new vans, and plenty of maids in each of those houses.
- No problem, your wishes are granted. Now for mine, if I may... I'd like a little time with your wife... you know how it is, locked up for 200 years... without a woman...
- No problem, - Sotir said to him, - you granted our wishes, now go ahead and do that too if you'd like!
- The genie 'made love' to Menka for about 2–3 hours, and at the end Sotir asked him whether his wish had been fulfilled and if he was satisfied too.
- How could I not be, genius... as long as there are people who still believe in genies, I'll be very satisfied! |
|
| Sotir Came Home Dead Drunk |
Sotir woke up with a hangover. When he opened his eyes, he noticed a glass of lemonade and a thermos of coffee on the nightstand beside him. He opened his eyes a little more and saw an ironed shirt and pants on the chair next to the bed. Sotir got up, walked through the house, everything was tidy and in its place, and in the kitchen he found a slip of paper that read:
- Sweetheart... Sotir darling... I went shopping, your breakfast is in the oven, and the newspaper is on the table.
At that moment his son arrived, and Sotir, completely astonished, asked him what had happened the night before.
- Dad, you came home around 3 a.m., dead drunk. You tripped on the stairs and broke the vase, then you tore down the curtain, and finally you slammed your head into the door, which is why you have a black eye.
- Aha, but why is everything tidied up then, and on top of that your mother isn't angry?
- Well, when Mom dragged you into the bedroom and tried to take off your pants, you told her: 'Lady, leave me alone... I'm a married man!' |
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| Sotir and Menka at the Toronto Zoo |
Sotir and Menka went to the Toronto Zoo. They walked from cage to cage and enjoyed looking at various animals. Eventually they reached the cage where the gorilla was, and Sotir had a wild idea:
- Menka, show him some leg, let's see how he reacts.
Menka lifted her skirt a little and the gorilla started going wild. Menka got carried away and lifted her skirt even higher, and the gorilla began shaking the bars with all his might. Then Menka flashed her breasts, and the gorilla broke the bars and started chasing her.
- Sotiiir... help, what should I do?
- Well... tell him something in your usual style now... like you have a headache! |
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| Any Second Now |
Sotir returned from work, leaned back in the armchair, and yelled to Menka:
- Come on, Menche darling, bring a beer before it starts!
Menka sighed and brought him a beer. A few minutes later, Sotir called out again:
- Sweetheart, bring another one... before it starts!
Menka gave him a sharp look and shook her head side to side a few times, but brought him another beer. A few minutes later, Sotir chimed in again:
- Menche darling, I feel it's going to start soon. Quick, bring a beer before it starts. It could start any moment!
Menka, already beet-red with rage, went off on Sotir:
- Aren't you ashamed? Every day is the same. Is that what you plan on doing all day? Drinking beer and sitting by the TV? Shame on you!
To Menka's reaction, Sotir just commented briefly:
- There it is... it started! |
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| Sotir Knows When He's Had Enough |
One evening Sotir went to a bar and ordered a beer. After finishing it, he opened his briefcase, looked inside, and said to the bartender:
- Give me another one, pal!
After finishing the second beer, he opened the briefcase again, looked inside, and said to the bartender:
- Another one, please!
He repeated the exact same procedure (opening the briefcase, glancing inside, and ordering a new beer) about ten more times! And then, Sotir looked into his briefcase once more and, to the bartender's surprise, exclaimed:
- THAT'S IT! I don't want to drink anymore!
The bartender, surprised by Sotir's reaction, asked:
- Why quit so suddenly!? What did you see in your briefcase?
- Well, inside I have a picture of Menka, and the moment Menka starts looking pretty to me, that's my sign that I've had too much to drink and it's time to stop! |
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| Division of Household Chores |
A convention of Macedonian Women in Canada was being held, and during the break Menka was chatting with her friends about their success in getting their husbands to do certain household chores. One of them bragged:
- I told my Spase that it was time he started ironing his own shirts. The first day there was no reaction, the second day was the same, but by the third day Spase, seeing he had no choice, ironed his shirt. And now he does it regularly!
And Spiro's wife had a very similar experience:
- I told Spiro once that he should take care of the grocery shopping. And nothing happened the first day, nor the second. But by the third day Spiro went and spent the entire afternoon shopping for groceries.
Finally, it was Menka's turn:
- I told my Sotir once that it was high time he started helping around the house and that he should vacuum and dust regularly. The first day there was no reaction at all, and nothing happened on the second or third day either. It was only on the fourth day that my eye opened up enough to see a bit! |
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| Sotir by 'Ontario Lake' |
Sotir was strolling by 'Ontario Lake' for the first time since his arrival in Canada. Without knowing any English, our hero had nothing better to do than spend his time going on long walks. Strolling along like that, Sotir came across a drowning man who was barely managing to utter a few words from the lake:
- Help, heeeelp!!! Please help me... Pleeeease!!! Heeelp!
To those shouts of his, Sotir reacted in a flash and, without thinking twice, immediately shouted back to the drowning man:
- Eeeh, you worthless fool... instead of learning English, you should've learned how to swim. You would've saved your life right now! |
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| Menka the Snitch! |
Sotir was driving along the QEW and the police pulled him over. The police officer asked Sotir:
- Sir, why were you driving at a speed of 130 km/h where the maximum speed limit is 100 km/h?
- Could you be mistaken, officer? - Sotir asked. At that, Menka chimed in on the conversation and told the officer:
- He wasn't doing 130, but almost 140 km/h... I saw it!
And Sotir turned to Menka and said:
- Shut up, you wretched goat!
The officer then continued by remarking that Sotir wasn't wearing his seatbelt, and when Sotir attempted to justify himself by saying he had just unbuckled it, Menka chimed in again:
- Don't lie, Sotir, you've been driving like that ever since we left home!
At that, Sotir yelled at the top of his lungs:
- Enough, Menkaaa! You bitch, shut up once and for all!
The officer asked Menka:
- Does your husband always address you like this?
- No! - Menka answered - Only when he's completely plastered... like he is right now! |
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| Sotir at Confession in Church |
Sotir went to St. Clement of Ohrid Church to make a confession.
- Father, I cheated on Menka!
- How did that happen to you, Sotir?
- Well Father, our neighbor Jovka came over for coffee once when Menka was working the night shift, and... what can I say... one thing led to another and the coffee turned into hanky-panky!
- Come now, my child Sotir, may you be forgiven!
- But Father, it didn't just end there. The next day Jovka invited me to her place, and two of her friends were there, and... me with them too, Father. I just couldn't resist!
- Good heavens, Sotir! But... all right... may that sin be forgiven as well.
- Oh Father... That's still not all. The sister of one of Jovka's friends called me that same evening and...!
And the priest finally interrupted him:
- Sotir, did you come to this church to confess, or to brag to me? |
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| Sotir, the Former Shock-Worker |
The first job Sotir found when he arrived in Canada was as a 'lumberjack'. On the first day he cut 10 cubic meters, but that was less than anyone else. Sotir decided to push harder the next day and managed to reach nearly 15 cubic meters. And once again, it was the least of all. Yet he was the only one who worked without any breaks. And he couldn't understand how he, a shock-worker back in his day, could be the weakest, so he turned to a Canadian coworker: - Why are you better than me?
- Well, I get up at 6 o'clock!
- Well, I get up at 6 o'clock too!
- Yeah, but I eat breakfast and leave for work right away!
- Well, I do the same thing!
- And when I get to work, I immediately start the saw and start cutting right away!
- Whaaat!? You start the saw? You mean the saws we're working with are electric!? |
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| Generous Sotir |
Sotir was getting ready to go to work, while Menka bustled around him and said:
- Sotir, imagine darling, I dreamed that when you get home from work today, you'll give me a whole set of 'J'adore' cosmetics as a gift. What does that dream mean, Sotir?
- Hmmm, well just be patient until I get home from work and you'll see the meaning of that dream.
That afternoon Sotir returned, and Menka was happily waiting for him at the door. Sotir handed Menka a wrapped gift and said to her:
- In here, Menka, you'll find the answer to the question of what your dream meant.
Menka impatiently and quickly tore open the wrapping paper around the gift, and inside she found a book entitled 'Dream Dictionary'. |
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| Man, What a Weekend! |
Sotir took his mistress to a high-end jewelry store and asked the salesman:
- Excuse me, do you have something exclusive to offer for the lady accompanying me?
- Certainly! - The polite salesman took a box out of the drawer and proudly opened it, informing Sotir that the ring inside cost $4,900. This immediately caused outrage in Sotir.
- Please, it seems I was not clear enough. I am looking for something exclusive and unique, not some cheap items.
The salesman immediately opened the safe and took out a diamond necklace.
- This, sir, is handcrafted with top-grade diamonds and costs 75 thousand dollars.
- All right... I'll take it! Since it's the weekend now, call my bank on Monday morning, withdraw the money, and only then send the necklace to my home address.
On Monday, the salesman called Sotir on the phone:
- You scoundrel, at the bank they told me you don't have a single cent in there!
And Sotir replied to him:
- Hey buddy... it's true I don't have a nickel to my name, but if you only knew what kind of weekend I spent with that girl! |
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| The Magic Little Room |
When Sotir and his son came to Toronto for the first time, they went to a shopping mall and were amazed by everything they saw, but strangest of all to them were two silver doors on a wall that opened and closed all on their own.
- Dad, what kind of strange doors are these? - asked the little boy.
- I have no idea! - answered Sotir, who was seeing elevators for the first time in his life. Just then an old, heavy woman walked up, pressed one of the buttons, and after a few seconds stepped through one of those doors into the little room inside, and the door closed. The shock came a minute later, when that very same door opened again and out of that same little room stepped a young, slender, attractive girl. Sotir instantly recalled Menka's appearance and the magic power of the miracle he had just witnessed, and yelled to his son:
- Go bring your mother here right now! RUN!!! |
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| Food, Sex, and Money |
- Oh boy, Spase, you won't believe this!
- What's that about, Sotir?
- Just imagine, Spase, they told me there's some magical place in Scarborough. You can eat and drink as much as you want, then have wild sex several times. And at the end, on your way out, they even give you 100 dollars as a goodbye gift!
- Come on, what are you talking about!? Who has ever been to a place like that? Who told you about that place?
- Well Menka... my Menka... She was just there yesterday! |
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