Front Matter - Part 07

“Maria already knows that you will be with the doctor,” replied the orderly and escorted them to the doctors office.

The doctor was waiting for them, pacing around the office.

“Oh, hello,” he said to Elena.

“This is Lile, Maria’s other sister,” said Elena. “Do you know each other?”

“Hello,” said the doctor and shook Lile’s hand. There was some hesitation in his voice. As if trying to remember if he’d seen her before.

Lile’s face turned red. She thought the doctor was reprimanding her for not coming to see her sister more often. Her family had visited her only a few times. But of course only she knew why.

“Do you have a job?” asked the doctor.

“Yes,” replied Lile, “I’ve had one for a long time.”

“Please make sure Maria takes her medication at the exact hours that I give you. Pass this information on to your other sister and your mother. You must make sure she takes it in front of you. Be sure she takes it. Her condition is much better now but we can’t say that she is completely cured. Her further treatment will depend on her and you. I will let her go home for the weekend, as we say here. But if she decides to stay longer and you see that she’s feeling good, don’t insist on bringing her back immediately. She should stabilize even more outside of the hospital. Please call me and let me know how she feels. If there are any changes that concern you, please call me immediately. I will be happy if she doesn’t have to come back, we will easily sort out the documents,” said the doctor.

After she’d had a bath, carefully combed her hair and put on a beautiful dress, Maria went to the doctor’s office. She looked like a completely different person. Everyone complimented her. She herself felt reborn. She had a big smile on her face and immense gratitude in her eyes when she greeted the doctor.

“Have a nice trip home,” said the doctor wishing them well. Coming from that caring, resourceful and well-educated man in the white coat, with whom she’d spent many years, Maria knew that him saying “have a nice trip home” wasn’t just a common saying.

There was an obstacle waiting for her in the car, which she had to overcome. That obstacle was the stranger driving the car. The young man who’d driven Elena and Lile there. She had never met anyone outside of the hospital since she’d gotten sick.

Maria and her sister sat in the back seat.

“My colleague here just bought this car... Well, he came here to bring us together... And to give us a ride home...” said Elena.

“The car looks new,” said Maria, “and thank you for doing this for us…” she added in a quieter tone of voice.

Everyone was feeling comfortable and talked about various ordinary things. Then Elena and her colleague began to talk shop about things at their work. They left the sisters to talk privately to one another. This was their first meeting out of the hospital in a long time. Lile told Maria about her new job. She said:

“Some people think that typing is boring. But it isn’t exactly like that. It depends on what kind of assignments you work on. For example, I have learned a lot since I started this job. In fact I have learned something new from each assignment I complete. If nothing else, I’ve learned new words and new expressions.”

Maria saw changes in her sister’s facial expressions as she spoke. She looked very happy.

Lile continued: “Now we have a new boss. And not only is he a lawyer, he seems to be well read. To tell you the truth, I enjoy it when he dictates to me, or when I type his material. It’s not the same with the other people’s material. Not always… I want to read more and learn more things. I’m not any stupider than the others, I say to myself. Those who I type for sometimes bring me a book or two to read. When I’m finished reading I give them back to them. I wrap them in paper while I read them so that I won’t soil them. People give them to me in trust.”

Occasionally Elena listened to the conversation between the sisters. At first it seemed strange to her that Lile would only talk about her work. She later realized that she was doing it on purpose to avoid talking about the hospital.

Maria was also happy that no one was asking her about the hospital. Sometime later Maria asked Lile about Nade, who was still in medical school.

“Will there be job opportunities for Nade after she finishes school?” she asked.

At this point Elena interrupted their conversation and said:

“There is always a need for nurses. There aren’t enough of them. None of those who graduated are unemployed. This means Nade will do better than the three of us regarding finding a job...”

“Literature and language have been good for you since high school. Some jobs can still be found,” said Lile but felt as if her comments had just hit a sensitive spot.

Maria smiled sadly.

When they arrived in front of their house they were greeted by Nade and her mother. With much effort they refrained from crying. Elena and the driver were invited to go inside. There were pastries and juice on the table and they quickly made coffee. But, no matter how hard they tried to ease things, still there was some tension in the air. There was too much unnecessary talk and everyone laughed too loudly. They tried to create a cheerful atmosphere... But it wasn’t working.

Soon afterwards Elena and the driver left. They said their goodbyes right after they were thanked for their help. As they were leaving Elena said that the next day she was going on a work assignment.

After they left, Maria started walking around exploring every corner of the house. Eyes filled with tears she looked at everything except her mother and sisters. She didn’t want them to see her crying. But even though they didn’t, they felt her pain. Her immense sorrow... for losing her child... Her sadness after spending so many happy days here with Hellwig. While thinking of this, Maria kept seeing the doctor’s face in front of her. His words rang loud in her mind reminding her that she had to fight her condition, to overcome it, if she didn’t want to go back to the hospital... If she wanted to stay home for a very long time... She tightened her heart... Literally... And pressed on her chest with her hand from above... She then ran to her mother and hugged her tightly.

“Please, give me something to eat,” she said in a low tone of voice.

Moments later everyone felt at ease and gathered around the dinner table. There was a delicious aroma emanating from an earthenware pan in the kitchen, which had just been taken out of the oven. Maria seemed to enjoy the delicious food. Then, out of nowhere, she began to ask her sisters questions about men.

The sisters looked at each other in silence, allowing their mother to butt in and say:

“Not too many at Lile’s work but plenty at Nade’s work, as many as you want.”

Nade looked down and blushed.

“That’s how it should be,” said Lile. “Not like it is at my workplace…”

The weekend was over. The entire next week passed. And the next weekend. Maria was encouraged by her progress but still didn’t go out of the house. Not even when someone came to visit them. The good thing was that she hadn’t retreated to her room. She realized that she wouldn’t be able to overcome her problems if she ran away from them. She faced her fears one by one. She was determined to win. She fought every crisis and every fear and, by some motherly instinct, she was winning. She became aware that every win, every attempt to suppress her fears, brought her a step closer to being able to see her child. So she was determined to grow stronger.

One day Maria agreed to go with Elena to her workplace and call the doctor from there.

“I was pretty sure we wouldn’t be seeing each other soon…” said the doctor jokingly, the moment he heard Maria’s name and cheerful voice on the telephone.

“Can I still stay home?” asked Maria cautiously, afraid of a negative response.

“Of course you can, although it’s difficult for me being without you,” said the doctor jokingly. He then added: “If you don’t come back, and I see you won’t be coming back soon, then I will come and visit you. If you invite me, of course.”

“Would you really come?” asked Maria a bit confused and in disbelief. “Okay you’re invited then,” she replied with a happy sounding tone of voice.

“Then we’re agreed. I will contact you through Elena. By phone. See you at your house...” said the doctor.

“See you too later... I will wait for you!” replied Maria. Elena noticed joy and happiness on Maria’s face.

“He doesn’t want me to go back to the hospital. He said he will come and visit me instead. I just can’t believe that there are such good people out there... In all my misfortunes he has turned out to be my bright spot...” said Maria to Elena.

“All doctors should be like that,” replied Elena while hugging her.

“Yes, but they’re not,” said Maria and stopped talking.

Elena took Maria home... on purpose. So that she wouldn’t be alone and so they could talk some more, just the two of them.

“Regarding the letter from Hellwig, I advise you not to hurry. I realize that you want to fly there... Immediately. But you have to prepare yourself. To be sure that everything will go well when you get there. The meeting won’t be easy for you. With the child... With all of them. There…” said Elena.

“You’re right. I don’t want to delay the trip... But also I’m afraid of going. But sooner or later it has to be done. One day soon I will have to clench my teeth,” said Maria looking sickly.

After Elena saw the expression on Maria’s face she regretted starting the conversation.

“It would be best if you speak with your doctor and get his agreement,” said Elena. “When he comes to visit you.”

“I don’t believe he will let me go... And maybe he’ll be right... I’m not sure how I would handle all that by myself... But if I miss this, I’m even more afraid that Hellwig won’t give me another chance… He’ll say ‘I invited you... and you didn’t come’...” replied Maria.

“No, no, I don’t believe Hellwig will do that to you... if there is at least a bit of humanity in him... Be optimistic... One by one things will slowly fall into place,” said Elena and hugged her. They said goodbye to each other and parted company. Maria walked into her house slowly. She told her mother and sisters about the phone conversation she’d had with the doctor. Everyone was happy. But as soon as Maria told them everything, her mother began to pace around the house.

“How in God’s name are we going to look after that man? How are we going to treat him…?” asked Maria’s mother.

“Don’t worry Mom... He is very modest... You’ll see. After you meet him you’ll think you’ve known him for a long time,” replied Maria.

“Dear mother,” interrupted Lile, “are we so incapable of looking after one guest? So what even if there are more…”

“He didn’t say exactly when he was coming did he?” asked her mother still worried.

“He will contact us through Elena... I think his wife and children live here in the city,” replied Maria.

Evenings were the hardest for Maria. Both at home and in the hospital... Fortunately she had some books left from her high school days so there was something for her to read. On television they often showed war and crime films. But when such a film came on, without her saying anything, her sisters immediately turned off the TV. And they were right to do so. Not just because of her. But because they

were bad for all of them. Only violence and aggression. Everything that was bad about people was shown in those movies.

* * *

The doctor’s visit to Maria’s house was a real treat for her. And for everyone in the family. Her mother couldn’t find the words to express her gratitude for sending her daughter home healthy. The two sisters were so perplexed that they couldn’t behave properly. But this was normal for the doctor. He helped them calm down by telling them a joke he’d recently read in a newspaper.

The visit was short. The doctor explained that his wife and child would be waiting for him on the street at an appointed time and he had to be there. As he was leaving, Maria walked him out to his car, which was parked not far from the house. She quickly asked him if she should accept Hellwig’s invitation to go to Germany. To meet with her son.

The doctor slowed down and stayed behind a step. He was obviously hesitant to say anything... However, he decided to advise her. He said:

“The moment when you yourself feel that you are strong enough to endure the journey, to meet Hellwig, your son and maybe your father-in-law and mother-in-law, then you can go. But not before that. Don’t give in when you question yourself – whether you can or can’t! When you decide, call me if you want. We will meet somewhere in the city... We will talk... Believe me, it won’t be easy for you... Neither the decision nor the journey.”

“I know,” said Maria. “But at some point I will have to go... At any cost... I have to see Carl... and maybe...”

The doctor realized that what she really wanted to say was “take him with me”, but she didn’t dare say it... For a long time the doctor suspected that that’s what she wanted to do… but it would be wrong. Unfortunately he didn’t tell her that... Was it better for Maria to live with this illusion? To have hope, or not...? The doctor wasn’t

sure... However, hope was better than hopelessness... For everyone, even for healthy people...

“Now go home and get some rest. Also, go out with Elena and your sisters more often... We will continue to look for something easier for you to do... It’s my understanding that you’re a wonderful and very meticulous proofreader... you will do well working in a printing house,” said the doctor.

Maria took his hand. She couldn’t believe what the doctor had said. She was so happy she didn’t know what to say. She was very happy to hear him mention employment. The idea was wonderful. And it was true, she was an excellent proofreader.

“I will be indebted to you for life if you help me find work. And indeed I would do the best job possible with pleasure. It would mean a lot to me to have my own income... Not to depend on anyone... Not to be an expense for anyone... Even to my closest ones,” replied Maria.

“Sorry, I need to go, I’m already late. I will contact you through Elena... You can call me too if you want to,” said the doctor as he got into his car and left.

When Maria returned home everyone noticed how happy she was. They guessed it was something the doctor had said. But they didn’t ask. She didn’t say anything either... She was aware that everything that was said could happen but not immediately... And maybe not so soon.

* * *

Maria couldn’t believe she had boarded a plane and was flying to Germany.

...Twenty days ago, without anyone knowing, Maria wrote a letter to Hellwig. She sent it to the same address that was on the envelope which Nade had given her at the hospital with the photographs. She’d memorized the address before she gave the envelope back for

safe keeping. This was the address of the factory where Hellwig worked.

Hellwig answered her. His answer came in a large envelope. It contained return plane tickets, hotel room reservations and a referral where she could pick up her spending money. Maria shook her head in disbelief. And when she saw all these things she almost fainted.

In the letter she wrote to Hellwig she mentioned that she had been released from the hospital a few months ago and that she had completely recovered. She was now ready to see Carl. She wrote the letter to be sure that Hellwig was serious about wanting her to see her child. She was suspicious that Hellwig might have written the previous letter thinking that she would never get out of the hospital. That she might never recover. Or maybe he wanted to check on her condition.

But Maria never expected such a quick response from Hellwig. Suddenly she was faced with many problems which she needed to solve immediately. She vacillated over her promise to the doctor that she would see him and talk to him before she decided to go on the trip. Finally she decided to call him on the telephone. Again from Elena’s office... This was the first time Elena had heard that not only had Maria decided to go and see Carl but that she had received the plane tickets. Elena was very worried.

All the time Maria spoke on the phone Elena listened to everything she said without wanting to. According to what she said, Elena tried to understand what the doctor was telling her.

“Yes, I thought about it. Very good. I questioned myself many times. I can’t delay. Everything has been arranged... I leave on Sunday... Whatever happens I will endure... Only two days... I know that you believe in me... And that you wish me all the best... I will call you immediately... The same day I return!” said Maria on the telephone.

After Maria hung up it wasn’t easy for her to look Elena in the eyes.

“So, you have decided... Well, okay... Maybe it’s best for you and the child. And for Hellwig. If you can avoid going to his house...” suggested Elena.

“That has already been arranged. Hellwig put me up in a hotel. He will surely come there with the child... No, no, I forgot... Both Hellwig and Carl will be coming to meet me at the airport when I arrive... I’m so happy... And not because of Hellwig...” replied Maria.

But no sooner than Maria had said all this she became visibly upset. Elena noticed but didn’t show it. She made no effort to convince her not to go. She figured she would make things worse. Maybe seeing her child would give Maria new strength to fight her condition.

Elena was trying to understand why Hellwig would want Maria to go to Germany now. Something must have changed since he took her child through the courts. But nothing could be found out until Maria came back. Elena asked Maria one more time when she was leaving for the airport.

“My colleague and I will take you to the airport,” said Elena.

“It’s not right asking him to do me a favour again,” replied Maria.

“It’s nothing for him. He can’t wait to drive his car. This will give him a reason to…” said Elena.

“Okay then,” replied Maria.

“Do your mother… and sisters know you’re leaving?” asked Elena.

“I’ll tell them today...” replied Maria.

“Don’t tell them until I get there, if you want. I will pass by this afternoon around five o’clock,” said Elena.

Maria looked into her eyes with gratitude. Everyone was glad to see Elena when she came by. They loved her visits very much. She always brought them news and told them interesting things.

This time, however, they noticed that Elena wasn’t in her usual good mood. They became aware after she sat down. Maybe she had some personal problem of her own... They didn’t know why she was like that.

“Did Hellwig reply to your letter?” asked Elena looking at Maria.

Initially Maria looked confused. Then she realized that Elena had come up with something.

“Yes he did!” replied Maria. “I was surprised how fast he replied. And that he sent me a plane ticket and some money too.”

Her two sisters and mother were left with their mouths open. They didn’t know what to say or do.

“What’s all this?” asked her mother surprised, looking at Maria and Elena.

“Maria sent Hellwig a letter in response to his letter. You remember… he sent her a letter a long time ago asking her if she wanted to go and see her child. Well, now he sent a plane ticket and money for the trip,” replied Elena.

“Have you lost your mind? You’re going back to him again to that…” said her mother unable to find the bad word she was looking for to describe him.

“She’s not going to Hellwig’s place. She wouldn’t even think of going there. She’s going to see Carl in a neutral place... She’s his mother. Let her see him,” replied Elena.

Everyone was silent... They said nothing more. This encouraged Maria to speak. She said:

“It’s only for two days, I’ll survive! I want to see Carl with my own eyes. He looks good in the pictures. I also want to know what Hellwig’s plans are for Carl. Maybe he doesn’t want him there anymore. Maybe he has a new wife?”

Everyone, even Elena, was surprised by how calmly Maria spoke. How coherent her few sentences were. Her words calmed everyone down somewhat.

“And when will you be traveling, on what date?” asked Lile.

Maria delayed her answer a bit. She knew they would be upset again when they heard that the flight was only two days away.

And so they were. As soon as they heard the date all three were on their feet.

“That soon?! They all shouted. “And what happens if the doctor looks for you during that time? What if he calls and asks to speak to you?” asked her mother.

“I told him already and he agreed to let me go...” replied Maria.

When they heard this they all felt better. It was okay since the doctor had given her his consent. He knew what was best for her. What Maria could and couldn’t do.

Immediately after that Elena deliberately started another conversation. In the end she told them that she and her colleague would be taking Maria by car to the airport.

“Can I come too?” asked Nade.

“I’m all for it,” replied Elena.

While flying on the plane Maria thought about all the details she needed to remember, including what her mother had told her: not to let Hellwig lie to her again and not to stay with him. To just say hello and nothing more...

Her mother barely knew anything about the things that had taken place there... And her sisters...? They knew even less. How could they know anything?! But even though these thoughts kept popping up into her head, Maria was able to consciously stop thinking about

her past. She knew she couldn’t afford to go back to the events that had sent her to the hospital. It was best to think about Carl, how he was and how much he’d grown... How her meeting would be with him... How one day she’d be able to bring him home... Would he know her when he saw her…? He was very young when they were separated... She felt her heart beating in her chest like a trembling chicken... And any moment now it was going to come out and fly off...

“We are landing...” Maria was startled by a voice.

It was the flight attendant... It sounded like the sound had come from a great distance...

She walked down the stairs descending from the plane, with a mechanical motion... All she had for luggage was a small handbag. It contained some toys and a shirt and pant suit, which his aunts had bought for him, and two large chocolate bars from Elena. She didn’t remember how she went through customs and how she got to the exit where people greeted their loved ones coming off the planes.

Hellwig and Carl were standing at the back, behind the waiting crowd.

She greeted Hellwig like a wind up machine without looking at him... Her eyes were on Carl. On her little one… on her five-year-old son... He was hiding behind his father’s pants and didn’t want to let go of his hand, not even for a moment. He had wrapped his other hand around Hellwig’s leg... Carl didn’t want to look at her. As if he was facing some great danger.

Maria came closer and held out her hands. A frantic look appeared in his eyes.

“Carl… son!” said Maria in a pleading tone of voice.

The moment she touched him he screamed loudly. People started looking at them.

Maria pulled her hands back.

“Don’t be upset... It’s normal... The child hasn’t seen you for several years... He will be fine,” said Hellwig quickly, wanting to ease the painful situation.

They left and headed for Hellwig’s car.

“Let’s go and sit down somewhere... In a restaurant perhaps where you can freshen up,” suggested Hellwig. Then, as soon as they started walking, he said: “I should tell you that I’m married now and have another son... That’s why I didn’t invite you to my house.”

Maria was surprised at how bitter she felt when Hellwig told her that. Her thoughts, her feelings now existed only for Carl. Everything else was outside of that...

Carl sat in the front seat next to his father and Maria sat in the back seat behind Hellwig. Hellwig continued:

“After your letter arrived Carl and I started to talk more often about you. I told him you would be coming to see him. Even my wife Marsha told him that his mother who gave birth to him would be coming to visit... She told him that she was the mother who took care of him... but there was also another mother, the mother who gave birth to him... She told him you gave birth to him like she gave birth to Philip. Unfortunately he’s still too young and can’t understand all those things so easily... He was used to Marsha being his mother for these few years...”

Hellwig talked as he drove. Maria took out one of the toys from her bag and tried to hand it to Carl. The child didn’t want it and didn’t even turn to look. Maria put it on his lap. Carl didn’t move. The toy elephant sat in his lap. Carl sat there motionless like Maria had placed a bomb in front of him.

“Be patient,” said Hellwig trying to reassure her. Then Maria thought to herself “Carl is probably thinking ‘who is this strange woman? How could he have two mothers at the same time’…”

She blamed Hellwig for all this. Why hadn’t he allowed the child to completely forget her? But now it was too late to talk about it... She was gripped by despair... She began to fear that she would lose Carl forever.

She gently stroked his soft hair... Carl started crying. Maria realized that he was very upset by her presence.

They arrived at a restaurant and sat at a table outdoors. Carl sat in the chair next to his father. He wanted to feel safe and assured that this strange woman wasn’t going to grab him. Maria pretended not to notice him. But her heart was sinking in despair.

Hellwig looked into Maria’s eyes and saw how much she had suffered. He was not indifferent.

“Carl, do you remember me telling you about Mommy...? I told you she would be coming by plane... Just to see you. You won’t be going with her now... You will stay here with me and... Marsha and your little brother... Now we are here just to meet her... And this mom loves you too... Look, what a beautiful toy she brought you,” said Hellwig.

Maria took out the other toys. And the suit... But Carl kept looking at his father. Like he was preoccupied with a single thought - how to save himself from this strange woman and how to leave and go home soon. He didn’t even want to drink his juice. Then he started saying and repeating the words:

“Let’s go home… I want to go home...” and cried a little.

“Let’s go to the hotel, Maria,” suggested Hellwig.

“Yes, let’s go,” she agreed.

She didn’t try to touch Carl again. She didn’t want to scare him anymore. It wasn’t his fault... Why should he be traumatized...?

...She cried loudly when she was alone... In the hotel room... Then she heard a knock on the door but she wasn’t sure if it was real. It

seemed like she’d heard it in a dream... She didn’t answer it... It couldn’t possibly have been Hellwig... Even if it was him so what...

She felt torment down in her soul. She became aware that she might have lost Carl again... This time for sure…She had no son anymore... Forever... She would have been happy if he’d let her hug him… even once... Let her feel him in her arms... She could live with that... But it seemed that they had taken him from her forever...

Would Hellwig be able to bring Carl here tomorrow…? If he did she would grab him by the arms and hug him... Maybe when he felt the warmth of his mother, Carl wouldn’t see her as a stranger. He would realize that she was someone who was closest to him... Then Maria suddenly began to panic: what if he didn’t come with Hellwig? Maybe she wouldn’t see him again... She had missed her opportunity to get close to him. She hadn’t made enough attempts... She started blaming herself.

She woke up the next day in a daze. She didn’t know where she was... She didn’t know what time it was. She only knew that she had laid down and fell asleep very unhappy... She remembered crying hopelessly... Then the telephone started ringing. Maria was afraid to answer it.

“Hello? Maria...? Hellwig here. I will arrive at the hotel at four o’clock in the afternoon. Don’t worry. There is plenty of time; the flight won’t leave until two hours later.”

“Carl... will Carl come with you?” she asked quickly as if fearing the telephone connection would drop at any moment.

“Of course he’ll be come with me. Don’t worry everything will be fine...” replied Hellwig.

...What’s going to be fine? Maria wondered angrily but soon felt a little calmer. She tried to do what the doctor had told her, to rationalize things to herself... To logically understand things. That’s what he had taught her. But the very moment that she thought of Carl, things began to fall apart. Her eyes immediately filled with tears... Something was pressing hard on her brain... Should she ask

Hellwig if she could take Carl with her?! Why should a child with a living mother grow up with a stepmother?! Maybe Hellwig could hardly wait to give him up... Maybe his wife wanted to do the same...? Now that she had her own child. She should try... and see how Hellwig would react...

She went down to the hotel restaurant and tried to eat something. But with every bite she took she had to hold it in her mouth for a long time because she could barely swallow. She only drank milk by force to take her medication. She had promised the doctor that she wouldn’t forget, not even for one day. And exactly at the specified time.

She walked mechanically through the streets. By the shops. Like she was visiting this city for the first time. Like the city was completely unknown to her. She had spent a year here yet she didn’t remember a single street, not a single building... This city looked like a different city to her... It hated her... Her tears began to flow again. She could freely cry here. No one knew her... And she didn’t know anyone. Even if she knew people, would any one passing by care about her tears…? And about her immense pain…?

There was plenty of time until Hellwig was due to arrive at the hotel.

“Couldn’t he have taken a day off from work?!” she whispered to herself.

She arrived at the river and sat down near the shore. On the cold stone.

If Carl didn’t know her now, what would happen later? She had no idea when she would be able to come back again... Everything would be lost... She would tell Hellwig that, as soon as she got a job, she would come back again for Carl. To take him... It would be really impossible to do it now... And she was aware that, only a few weeks ago, she was in the hospital. She started crying again... If she hadn’t come, she wouldn’t have known that the child had completely forgotten her. Maybe it would have been easier for her to continue to deceive herself thinking that Carl couldn’t wait to see

her. She had little hope that something would change before their next meeting this afternoon... For Carl the other woman had been his mother for three years. Who could take that away from him now? And replace her with another...

It felt like some invisible force was pounding inside her brain... it was blurring her thinking. Maria tried to fight it. To make it stop... She had promised everyone at home... Elena... The doctor... She must not betray them.

She suddenly realized that she was in her hotel room. She didn’t know when or how she’d gotten there. By taxi or on foot? She felt very tired... She was sinking... like in some pool of thick and muddy water...

...Someone was holding her by the hand... It was Hellwig. It had been a long time since I dreamt of you. How did you get here? To our place (Macedonia)? I never believed you would ever come here... And Carl?! Where is Carl?!” When she mentioned the child’s name she wiped the wet bed with her hand. Water was dripping from her. It was as if she had walked in heavy rain.

Hellwig and Carl were standing beside her. It took her a long time to become aware of that. Hellwig was now holding the child tightly. As if being frightened by some danger posed by Maria. She got up and went into the bathroom. A while later she came out. She had washed her face and combed her hair. She looked calmer but seemed preoccupied with herself.

“How was work?” she asked Hellwig. Like she used to ask him many years ago. Like they had sent him home early that morning.

“It was all right, like always,” replied Hellwig looking a bit confused. There was some uneasiness. He felt that something was happening to Maria. Something to do with her nerves. She was somehow different... She then started blaming herself. She shouldn’t have rushed with the letter she’d written him... And with her coming here... She feared that her health would worsen while she was still here. Before returning home. And she would no longer be able to travel by plane...

Hellwig began to worry. She hadn’t made any attempt to take Carl from his arms. To free him… This new mother left him alone... She didn’t want to go near him... She didn’t even try to caress him... To take him in her arms... All that worried Hellwig even more. He noticed that Maria was looking at her watch more and more often... As if she was afraid of being late to go to the airport. And the time was approaching... Without being aware that she had slept for a long time.

Noticing her growing nervousness, Hellwig said:

“Let’s go... We should leave now.”

Maria immediately took her now almost empty bag and was the first to leave the room. They really didn’t know what to talk about on the way.

When they arrived at the airport Hellwig wanted to buy some things at the mini mart. To send to Maria’s mother and sisters. When he suggested that Maria shook her hand violently and said:

“Absolutely Not!” with a sharp tone of objection.

“Something for you, perhaps?” he asked cautiously.

“No!” she replied with an even more categorical tone. Hellwig felt anger boiling in him.

This was the second time Carl wiggled himself out of Hellwig’s hand and ran off. Maria ran after him. After she caught him Carl was ready to scream. Hellwig ran to him. Carl felt liberated. He was even proud that his father was able to free him so quickly from this strange woman’s hands.

There was a public announcement on the speakers calling for all passengers on this flight to go through customs.

Hellwig and Maria shook hands. Carl looked at them curiously. He had already gotten used to the strange woman being around.

At one point Maria pulled Carl away from Hellwig’s hand and, before anyone knew it, ran to the customs area exit. There were no more passengers there. They all had gone through customs. It happened so fast that none of the customs officers were even aware of what had happened. They only heard the frantic voice of a man, who obviously didn’t have a passport with him and couldn’t reach them.

“The child, she grabbed my child…! That woman is sick…! Take the child away from her…!” he yelled.

Even Carl didn’t immediately start to scream... He also didn’t understand what was happening.

When they saw a woman with a child in her arms running, the customs officers figured she was late and rushing to catch her plane. They opened her passport and there was a picture of the child inside. Since she had no luggage she was allowed to immediately proceed to the exit.

In the meantime, Hellwig ran down to the airport security office to see the chief. Hellwig was furious that he wasn’t allowed to go through customs without a passport... Even after he explained his problem to the customs officers. And especially after he told them to immediately stop Maria.

When Maria was sure she could pass the last obstacle, the door through the departure gate, she freely presented her ticket to the clerk. But the clerk didn’t seem happy and sternly said:

“The ticket for the child please!”

At this point Maria figured this would be the end of her caper so she pushed the surprised clerk out of the way and ran down towards the plane without letting go of the child. But by now the kidnapping information had already reached the officers, several of them ran down and took Carl from her. They then caught her and took her to the head of security. Hellwig was there all shaken up. He caressed and hugged Carl.

The security chief, to whom Hellwig had already told that Maria was a mental patient, explained to Maria that she couldn’t take the child without her ex-husband’s consent because the child was in his custody under a court order.

Maria then, in a higher tone of voice, but also with an expression of guilt on her face, tried to convince Hellwig that the child should go with her, since she was no longer in the hospital.

The security chief looked puzzled. If this woman was in such a crisis then she wouldn’t be allowed to go on the plane? The chief tried to indirectly understand from Hellwig what was going on.

“The plane is waiting to take off, I won’t be able to hold it any longer,” said the chief.

Hellwig understood what he meant and said, “If Maria wants to she can stay here a few more days... Let her decide...”

Maria looked helplessly at both Hellwig and Carl, and at the same time asked the chief to send someone to accompany her to the plane.

* * *

As soon as Hellwig got home he left Carl with Marsha and without explaining anything, ran out of the house, got into his car and drove off. Marsha tried to understand what was happening from Carl but only rubbish came out of his mouth, imitating the plane... and nothing more. She started to worry. Had something bad happened to Carl’s mother?!

“Marsha... is most to blame for everything that happened,” Hellwig whispered to himself and became even angrier. She invented all this... The child needs his real mother. Who knows how many times she had repeated this to him until she made him do this... And look what happened…? How it turned out...

He drove as fast as he could to the post office. He then contacted the airport in Skopje. He explained to the clerk who answered the call

that a woman who was not in a good mental condition was traveling on the plane from Germany to Skopje and would be arriving there in less than an hour. She had been treated at the mental hospital there and her condition had worsened. Her family would surely be at the airport but she would also need an ambulance. He also told the clerk her full name. Fortunately the Skopje airport clerk spoke German well, so they understood each other.

During the entire flight, the flight attendant tried to speak to Maria. At one point Maria asked her to see Carl. In a loud voice she said:

“Give me my child… you took him from me. Where is he? Tell me where he is. He was here a while ago!”

The flight attendant realized that Maria was having a mental breakdown. She feared that the most. She kept looking at her watch. There was another ten minutes of flight. Fortunately then a steward came over. He was a big and tall man. Maria looked confused. She shook her head... As if to say she didn’t want him by her side. The flight attendant took advantage of his presence and walked away.

“Maybe you have a sister... or a brother perhaps...” They’ll come over to meet you at the airport,” said the steward.

Maria was silent for a long time before she replied. She said: “I have sisters...”

A lot of time passed before Maria said that as if she needed the extra time to figure out what she was going to say... Then she tried to get up... The flight attendant immediately sat next to her. She held her down with both hands... and said:

“You mustn’t try to get up now... The plane will be landing soon. It will be dangerous for you if you are standing during landing.”

Maria looked at the flight attendant with a blank look...

Meanwhile, the other flight attendant informed the passengers of the landing and advised them to fasten their seatbelts. When Maria saw the man sitting next to her trying to tie his seatbelt, she became

horrified. She thought they were going to take him to the hospital. And when the flight attendant tried to tie her seatbelt, Maria started to scream and fight back. When the flight attendant tried to explain to her that all the passengers needed to do this she became even more frantic. This meant that she had relapsed and was sick again!

The passengers looked anxiously at this strange woman. Some with pity. Others didn’t know what to say or do...

Most didn’t know how to respond... When the plane landed, two paramedics quickly boarded the aircraft. They carefully took Maria out.

Elena and her colleague were waiting for Maria at the exit. They became suspicious when they saw the ambulance and the paramedics. Elena didn’t want to believe they’d come for Maria or to speculate about who they came for... But, after the last passenger came out and Maria wasn’t there, it became clear to them that it might have been Maria... But who to ask what had happened? They went to look for the flight attendants. They told them everything.

What were Elena and her colleague going to tell Maria’s mother and her sisters who were anxiously waiting for Maria to come home and bring them news? Mostly about Carl. They didn’t know what to tell them...

* * *

“When I saw you come to our house alone, without Maria I felt something cut at my abdomen. It felt like a poisonous snake had bit me. I said to myself, “Maybe he kept her there for several more days... But I was wrong… it wasn’t that... It was bad news again... I knew I shouldn’t have let her go. She shouldn’t have gone there, not even in a dream. Let alone in reality... Here she is again… sick. The doctor was wrong in approving her trip... He must have felt sorry for her... He is a parent too... He has a girl. There’s nothing we can say or do now… It’s no use. Let us hope and pray...” said Maria’s mother to Elena.

“She didn’t ask me or the doctor. She just told us that she decided she wanted to go. We couldn’t stop her… No one could tell her not to go,” replied Elena sounding like she was trying to justify herself.

“I don’t blame you or anyone... It was her fate to leave. I knew that a five-year-old who hadn’t seen you since he was so young – taken away at two years old wouldn’t remember you... But how could I say such a thing to her? Especially before she left? It would have devastated her,” said Maria’s mother.

Elena only stayed a short time and then left with her colleague.

“If you find out anything from the doctor, if he calls you on the phone, please let us know. We shouldn’t all be bothering him,” Lile said to Elena as she was leaving.

“Okay, you don’t have to ask,” replied Elena over Lile’s shoulder while hugging her. “Maria will get well again. She’s a fighter. You’ll see... In good time.” Lile then wiped away her tears... Elena didn’t look at Nade or at their mother.

* * *

Elena spoke regularly with the doctor about Maria’s health. She called him almost every week. He told her that Maria’s crisis was even worse now. It had deepened.