Front Matter - Part 04

Hellwig couldn’t believe that he hadn’t tried harder, that he hadn’t said a single word and that he hadn’t even made a single gesture to keep them there with him. To convince Maria and her son to stay. Or to go with them. What kind of man was he...? How did he expect Maria to survive alone with the child? He knew how poor her family was and the conditions they lived under. He was only comforted by the idea that… he was going to send them. How was he, himself, going to live? Alone? Roaming around the world...? Away from home...? He didn’t want to be away from home. And if he did run away he couldn’t run forever...

* * *

The flight attendant on the plane often came over to see how Maria and the child were doing. She noticed despair and hopelessness in the expression of this young woman. Once in a while Maria let out a restrained cry. This worried the flight attendant but she didn’t know how to help her. Seeing how Maria was, the flight attendant invented all sorts of things to talk about. About her and about her child. Just enough to engage her in a conversation. At one point it seemed to the flight attendant that the child wasn’t safe in his mother’s arms. So the flight attendant suggested that she take the child for a while and hold him. Maria went into shock. She didn’t want, not even for a moment, to be separated from her little Carl. He was everything to her now. Instinctively, as if a feeling of grief had gripped his mother, the child sat on her lap meekly. Quietly. Keeping quiet without even the slightest sound coming out of his mouth.

...How could Hellwig hide his other personality from Maria for so long? And how could he have loved her if he was already like his parents? How had she not, not even for a moment, discovered in him

the things that would so irreparably ruin their relationship? Even their marriage? Scariest of all - their love...

That fatal night, when she went downstairs to confront them, maybe Hellwig reacted like he did out of a fear of hurting his parents feelings through her words, through her, who had been chosen by him to be a family member... No, no, that couldn’t be it? Why continue to deceive herself? Didn’t she see a cold glow in his eyes? They spoke so clearly to her that night. She could never forget that… not even for a moment... He had alienated her with that look... and maybe... even if he didn’t want to believe it... he had hatred for her in his eyes...

If it was just a quarrel, arguing among themselves about any issue, what could it have been about? But this issue was the most crucial, the most essential issue... Conditions under which to live there together or not... She couldn’t reconcile the idea that he, the man she loved, the man who she thought loved her, had rejected her so suddenly, her and their child... The very moment he realized that she had figured out what was happening. When she discovered the real face of his parents... And his.

...God, if she only knew Hellwig would be like his parents. She would have left him on that side of the camp and it would have been the end of their relationship, their love, their life together... Then she wouldn’t have gone downstairs to tell them to their faces how she felt! To tell them to their faces what kind of people they truly were. And regarding Hellwig, even though she tried to hide the reality about him, even from herself, she already knew he was like his parents. From the steps he’d taken she knew he was becoming like them more and more. He was there more for them than for her, in the full sense of the word. And it was good that he was. It was good that he openly stood on their side. She now knew the truth and he would no longer be able to deceive her and try to convince her that he was somehow different from them. That somehow it was someone else who did the things he did...

With all these thoughts running through her mind she increasingly became more and more miserable and hopeless. She could no longer hope for anything. There was no one to turn to. She and Carl were

alone… on their own… Maria had to face that fact. Now she needed to think about what to do next. It would be very difficult to hide the truth from her loved ones.

She warmly hugged her son who was now asleep... Bitter tears ran down her cheeks.

* * *

When her two sisters came to meet her and Carl at the airport, she couldn’t believe her luck. “Hellwig must have sent them a telegram,” she thought. All this time she wondered how she was going to get home alone with a child and suitcases. A small spark of hope appeared in Maria’s heart. It seemed like she no longer cared about everything that had happened...

Her sisters cried with joy. She cried too. But she wasn’t sure if it was from joy or sorrow. Or because of all the pity for herself and the child. Or for all the horrible things that had happened to her from the moment she’d told Hellwig, her beloved Hellwig, that she was pregnant.

One by one her sisters hugged her and then took Carl in their arms telling her how sweet and small he was... Carl looked at them with fear in his eyes. He then twisted his face and suddenly began to cry loudly. Maria took him back in her arms. She immediately calmed him down.

Both of her sisters tried to talk to her almost simultaneously:

“When the telegram from Hellwig arrived we jumped for joy that we would see you again. Most of all Carl.” Then they all got into the taxi that Maria had flagged and headed home.

Maria’s biggest fear now was how she would manage to hide the truth from her mother. From her experienced, tormented and penetrating eyes which could see everything.

Little Carl had a surprise for her.

She slowly came over and looked at him. Moments later she took him in her arms and began to kiss him all over. The strange old woman frightened Carl and he began to cry loudly.

“You’re grandma’s boy aren’t you?” she yelled out loud several times...

“He looks like Hellwig,” yelled Lile.

“That’s not true, he looks like Maria,” yelled Nade.

“Look at him, look at his face, at his eyes and you will see how wrong you are,” yelled Lile.

This back and forth between the sisters would have continued if their mother hadn’t cut in and said:

“He looks like both of them. What’s wrong with you… He looks like this, he looks like that. The poor child is so small that no one knows who he looks like. He looks like himself - that’s what the old people used to say…”

After he was fed Carl was put to bed. One after another the sisters dispersed leaving Maria sitting near a window in the house alone with her mother. Her mother stared at her with her strained tired eyes looking for a cheerful expression on her daughter’s face, that would answer her question “what was it that had suddenly brought her to her mother’s hearth? Alone, without her husband, and with her little son?” Her mother looked like a hunter whose full attention, whose full care was to find out what was behind all this. Why was there no decent and cheerful expression on Maria’s face? But Maria didn’t help her. She continued to look calm and composed.

“Tell me,” asked her persistent mother, “how did you like your mother-in-law and father-in-law?” Going straight for her heart.

Maria didn’t immediately answer. She got up and went to the kitchen. She wanted to think of a good answer.

“Should we make a cup of coffee first?” asked Maria. Fortunately Maria had brought a kilo of coffee which she hadn’t unpacked so she went and got it and brought it into the kitchen. She also brought some other things so there would be gifts for everyone.

“People in other countries are not like us,” Maria said to her mother when she returned to the kitchen. “No one is like us. Everyone there lives for themselves.”

“Did you at least dine together?” asked her curious mother.

“No...” replied Maria.

“Why not? Didn’t you live in the same house? Weren’t they his real mother and father? Wasn’t he an only child? That’s a strange thing,” said her mother.

“It’s strange for us but normal for them,” replied Maria.

“Who took care of Carl when you had to go out to buy something?” asked her mother.

“Are you asking if my mother-in-law looked after him? Hellwig’s mother?” replied Maria barely audibly. “We had a maid and I rarely went out. Hellwig provided us with everything we needed.”

Her mother was silent for a long time. Then she said:

“I know... some people here who have been to Germany say there isn’t much closeness between parents and children there... Especially when the children are growing up. There was also a story where a mother and father gave away their newborn son to a home to take care of him. They had plenty of money to pay for his support. And he was their only child... They simply wanted to live without obligations. He grew up in the home. They only went to visit him on weekends, to take him for a walk. That was it...”

“That’s for sure but those are rare cases,” replied Maria and handed her mother a cup of coffee.

At that moment Maria’s mind drifted back to the time when Hellwig had resisted and even refused to have a child. As well as how negatively he’d reacted when she told him she was pregnant. Thinking of those painful moments upset her. She knew that if they didn’t change the subject she would tell her mother everything. And she didn’t want to do that. For both their sakes. Why add more misery to her mother? Didn’t she have enough misery in her life...?

“How is Lile doing at her job?” asked Maria.

“She is doing okay, at least she’s not complaining. She’ll take you there and you’ll see for yourself. The company she works for is small but they do well. The employees work longer hours than in other businesses but receive their pay regularly. Thanks to their boss. More or less. Otherwise we wouldn’t have anything to eat. Now at least we have food on the table.”

“Is it still difficult to find a job?” asked Maria cautiously.

“Of course it’s hard?” replied her mother. “Lile had to knock on doors every day. Badijala. They haven’t said that they will hire anyone – but he has already been accepted. Or he worked there illegally but now they are advertising the job so that they can correctly put him to work.”

Her mother noticed that her explanation made Maria sad.

The other day her neighbours had come over. They were curious, they wanted to see the “foreigner” and Maria. To find out things about her life...

Maria tried to isolate her child as much as possible, especially from infections. But her mother wanted to brag about her grandson and bathed and dressed him in his most beautiful clothes. If her neighbours didn’t come over she would take him out to the yard and the gate. Maria was sympathetic with her. After bringing up three girls Carl was the first male in the house... And he was born to a rich family... Maria was happy to see that her little Carl quickly adapted to the new faces and new environment. He was always ready for someone to pick him up. Talk to him. Play with him. Laugh with

him and take him outside. Maria wished she could see the faces of Hellwig’s parents watching Carl laughing and enjoying himself. They would probably explode... No... They wouldn’t be able to understand what was happening because this was very far from their way of life and their notion of raising children. This was because everything in their hearts and souls had long been dead, destroyed. Blackened. There was no life in them. Thinking about this made Maria happy. She was glad she’d left and was now far away from them.

The only regret she had was that she had left Hellwig... That she had split up with him... And the distance that separated them. That terrible gap between them... It seemed insurmountable... Permanent...

* * *

A few days after her arrival Maria found herself feeling tense, eagerly waiting for the mailman to go by. She kept watching the other houses to see if he’d come by. If he went to any of her neighbours... to find out if he had already passed by. But he had. Did that mean there was no letter for her from Hellwig? With at least a few words written in it?

She couldn’t understand why she needed to hear from him…

Maria struggled with many contradictions. It would have been normal for her to talk to Hellwig. But she had decided to leave instead. That was the first step she took... But could she have acted differently? What else needed to happen? For them to take her suitcases out the door? To take her son away? His parents had unfortunately destroyed her both mentally and physically! Because they were able to do that...

Why hadn’t Hellwig tried to stop her from leaving? To not let her go? To say at least a few words to get her to stay... There were other possibilities... He could have come to live with her here in Macedonia. With his skills he would surely have been able find a job and apartment easily. He had expertise. Maria realized that she was making fun of herself thinking this way. How romantic it would

have been, she thought, if he had decided to move here, to Macedonia, to settle permanently in this city. To have left his home, the home of his mother, father, grandmother, grandfather... And come and live here with her and her family permanently. With all those thoughts going through her mind, she again asked herself the question: “What could he, her Hellwig, possibly write to her in a letter now?”

But, despite all the odds, Maria still waited for a letter to arrive. With any kind of news. She was stressed out… She felt unbearable tension... Was he upset because Maria had left him and gone to live with her family…? Not to forget that she’d taken her son with her... His son... Maria was aware that she was expecting the impossible...

Still, every day she waited for the mailman to arrive. Her mother pretended not to notice... But doubt began to enter her soul. Things weren’t the way her daughter wanted to portray them...

As the days went by it became more and more important for Maria to receive a letter. But no letter arrived. Had Hellwig completely given up on her and Carl? Was he going to leave them completely on their own without any financial support? He was fully capable of at least sending a letter and some money in it without the two monsters that had given birth to him knowing. Would he find the strength to escape their clutches just for a moment? Where was that good man, the old mailman, who was supposed to bring them the letter? For years since she was little, the mailman had brought both good and bad news by ringing the doorbell.

No one and nothing interested Maria more than receiving that letter. It became more and more difficult for her to continue to wear the mask of nonchalance. She found it more and more difficult to show a good mood on her face. To not cry out loud. To not to worry about her child. She was tired of lying and, in front of everyone who came to visit, repeating the fabricated stories she told about Hellwig’s mother and father. That they were good people like Hellwig. That they barely let her leave with their grandson, from whom they couldn’t be separated even for a short time. That they welcomed her with joy when Hellwig first took her home with him. Of how happy they were when Carl was born... But at the same time she longed for

her birthplace, for her mother and sisters, and that’s why she was here visiting them.

Every day Maria counted her money to see how much was left. She was worried. Every day it was less and less. What would she do when it was all gone?! Should she secretly, without anyone knowing, start looking for a job? If nothing else, take Carl in his stroller more often to the city. She might even meet some of her old friends. Maybe one of them could tell her where to find a job... The fact that she spoke German might certainly be useful to her.

Twenty days had passed since Maria had accepted the idea that Hellwig wasn’t going to help her. He hadn’t written even a single letter, never mind send money. But on the twentieth day when she was coming home from a walk with Carl, her sister happily ran out of the house to meet her with an envelope in her hand. Maria couldn’t believe it. By the look on her sister’s happy face Maria realized another thing. Her family knew she wasn’t receiving letters from Hellwig and were afraid things weren’t going well between them. They tried to hide their fears so as not to upset her. Maria could hardly refrain from crying. Her hands trembled with excitement as she took the envelope from her sister.

She deliberately didn’t open it in front of her sister’s curious eyes. After her sister took Carl from her arms, Maria went to her room. What she found inside the envelope wasn’t exactly what she expected. There was a short note that read: “Here, I am sending you some money. I hope you and Carl are well.” That was it. Not a word more. There was nothing else in the envelope. There was money... which she needed very much but not a letter. Even though she didn’t want to admit it, Maria was actually waiting for a letter from him. For news of hope. Hope that she was still and would remain Hellwig’s wife and Carl his son. Unfortunately the words in the note promised very little...

She went into the room where her mother and sisters were. They all pretended not to look at her. They waited to see the expression on her face and find out what news the letter had brought her. Maria ignored them and walked towards Carl. She said:

“Your father sent you money,” even though Carl was too young to understand.

Her mother and sisters were certain that Maria’s words to Carl were for them. But the tone of voice with which she spoke wasn’t a happy one. There was something crying deep inside of her. Something that wouldn’t allow her tears to flow.

Her sister Lile, wanting somehow to bring cheer to the atmosphere, took the candy box out of her purse and yelled:

“Come everyone take one, let’s congratulate Maria. She’ll treat us all later after she gets her money from the post office. She’ll have foreign money. It’s worth more.”

They all gathered around the candy box. Nade took two candies. Her mother gave her the look. Wondering if there were enough for everyone...

It became increasingly clear to Maria that Hellwig would never win the relentless battle which he was fighting within himself. Maria was convinced that the money he sent was sent without their consent. He probably didn’t tell his parents. Which meant that there still was something human in him...

Awake late in the night Maria contemplated: Should she answer his note? Tell him that she had received the money? Write him a brief note with a few words like: “We received the money. Thank you. We are okay.” And nothing more. She wanted him to know that she hadn’t left because of the argument she’d had with his parents. She left because of him... She left because of the murderous look he gave her during that argument. That look told her everything. It brought to light his hidden essence. Also, knowing how hurt she was he still stayed with his parents all night and not with her. Obviously he didn’t care how she felt. If nothing else, he should have said something to her, at least one word that would have alleviated what had happened. Or at least try to blame her for her actions that night. If he thought that she was to blame for what she’d done. Why didn’t he even try to let her know what was happening during all those months he was arguing with his parents?

He was responsible for everything that had happened to her. For the verdict that was passed that night. For sealing the fate of their future. For their child. Maria felt she was least guilty in the matter... And what could she now hope for in finding the strength to take the first step... and get back to him?

* * *

Hellwig too wanted to write Maria a letter. But he was afraid it would upset her even more. Who knew how angry she was about all the things that had happened to her. Everything that she had gone through. On the other hand Hellwig was ashamed of what had happened and was convinced that her family had condemned him. They probably didn’t want to hear from him. They would have surely torn up any letters he sent them. Only God knew what Maria had told them about him and his parents.

There were many other reasons too that had made him give up on his intention to write or call her. What could he possibly say to her after all the tragic things that had happened... both to her and to him... but mostly to the child? He didn’t believe anything could be fixed... Which one of them would change... become different... completely different? How could the two of them get close to each other again…? Continue to live together?!

He knew that the first thing Maria would ask him to do was leave his parents. And not just physically... Especially since deep down he was convinced that he wouldn’t be able to do that... He didn’t have the courage to disappoint them to such an extent... He was their only hope... He was their purpose for living… even though he didn’t completely embrace their ideology... He simply couldn’t reject them because they hated everything that wasn’t German and everyone who wasn’t German. He also knew he couldn’t change them.

He was aware that reconciliation between his parents and Maria wasn’t possible... For the rest of their lives. He even thought that if they accepted Carl and wanted to raise him as their grandchild Maria would never agree to it. He was also sure that she would never again want to see them. Let alone live in the same house with them.

On the other hand, his mother and father didn’t care that their grandson had left them. They didn’t want to know if the departure was temporary or permanent. They didn’t care if they ever saw him again! As if he wasn’t Hellwig’s child. They rejoiced at the idea of him disappearing forever. This thought alone gave Hellwig a horrible pain in his chest... It seemed like he was being cut in half. Even if they couldn’t accept Maria, even if they hated her, why did they have to forsake his child?!

Tormented by all the thoughts that tore through his mind day and night, Hellwig decided not to write letters.

He also kept asking himself: Did he have the right to be angry at Maria for her outburst in front of his parents that night? And then leave him without consulting with him, without saying a word? He was angry with her for leaving so abruptly... Even though he was well aware that his behaviour, after moving in with his parents, had pushed Maria away. He felt like he had created a growing gap between Maria and his mother and father who feared that Hellwig one day would leave them... But how could he leave them? How could he live alone for the rest of his life? He had no brothers or sisters. Did Maria leave him because he’d spent more and more time on the lower floor with his parents…? And less and less with her... upstairs? Would his parents have ever given in or changed anything to accommodate Maria? He didn’t think so... He was also sure that Maria wouldn’t change anything to accommodate them either.

All the assumptions he made and conclusions he reached seemed to only entangle him more and more to a point where he couldn’t find a way out.

* * *

For almost two months there was no money and no letters... The way she behaved in front of her mother and sisters, Maria was certain they knew something was terribly wrong but they never said a word about it openly in front of her. Maria had been with them for a long time with no explanation and hadn’t told them when she was going to leave? Or maybe she was planning to remain there

indefinitely? Also they had no idea what had happened to Maria. There. Beyond the border. At the same time they didn’t have the courage to ask her. All the time Maria, however, was expecting them to ask the question. Especially her mother. But she was grateful that they hadn’t and at the same time was angry at herself for the false atmosphere she had created. So finally she decided to start the long awaited conversation.

“Hellwig and I, and most of all his parents, had an argument,” blurted Maria one evening as they sat around Carl. “Right from the beginning they couldn’t accept the fact that Hellwig had married a woman who wasn’t German. Not one of them. They fought over that but Hellwig didn’t want to listen to them. He wanted to convince them that there was nothing wrong with what he’d done. But from the first day when we arrived at their home they looked for a way to throw me out.”

“They can go to hell,” cursed her mother. “I knew they were bad people and used to say to myself ‘why the hell do young people need to go there? They lived here well and they are free’…”

“I too was afraid when Hellwig told me that we would live with them for a while. At their house. That’s what he decided we should do,” replied Maria.

“Mistakes were made, daughter. And they broke up your marriage. May fire burn those responsible...” said her mother.

“Didn’t Hellwig support you? I remember he loved you very much,” said Lile.

“No he didn’t. The moment he was close to them he turned into a different person. They had a terrible power over him. They knew it and they used it,” replied Maria.

“Maybe he’ll reconsider now that you’re not with him,” said her mother trying to comfort her.

Maria didn’t say anything. She didn’t want to tell her mother that his parents had a very strong influence over him... And now, when he was alone with them, he would be even more helpless.

“Then why didn’t you suggest that he come and live here?” asked the youngest sister.

“I don’t believe he would have wanted to do that... Especially not now... They won’t allow him to leave... Especially after his marriage to me against their will...?” replied Maria.

“How can they not feel sorry for their grandchild, those ingrates?” asked her mother angrily... and took Carl from his aunt.

Everyone’s eyes began to water. They couldn’t believe what they’d heard from Maria. They loved Hellwig very much.

“I said to myself then,” said her mother as if talking to herself, “when Hellwig suggested that you go with him that you shouldn’t go with the foreigner. With a man whose family you don’t know. But here, somehow, he won all of us over. You were deeply in love. Well, I thought, how could I possibly stand in the way of your happiness? It isn’t easy to find a person who loves you and whom you love...”

Maria started to cry. She said:

“It never occurred to me that his mother and father would turn out to be so bad... so evil...”

Maria hesitated to tell them the whole truth. Everything that had happened. But somewhere deep in her subconscious there was the hope, quite small, barely achievable, that if he, her Hellwig, changed something in his struggle... if he defeated the other Hellwig in himself and returned to them, it would be harder to accept him again. That’s why she didn’t tell them everything. Then she heard her mother bluntly say:

“Come daughters bring something to eat. Let’s not scare this poor child with our sour faces. Not everything is a failure. One of these

days his father will show up. You’ll see. He will knock on the door. It will be a surprise.

Everyone’s face brightened. It made it easier for them to accept the situation. Maria was convinced that her mother, even in the most difficult of situations in life, was a tireless optimist. She very well knew that what her mother had said about Hellwig was just wishful thinking. But at the same time, for the moment, she also wanted to believe her mother’s words.

After dinner Maria went into her room to put Carl to bed hoping that fate hadn’t condemned her child to live without a father and in poverty. Like she was when she was a child. But after Carl fell asleep and no one was there Maria was overwhelmed with sadness and hopelessness. She began to cry.

In the morning, before leaving her room, Maria’s first thought was to look for a job. She mustn’t delay it anymore. After breakfast she dressed Carl in nice clothes, put him in his stroller and the two went for a walk. After her return Maria hadn’t seen any of her friends or people she knew from before. She deliberately avoided them. Especially those who knew she had married a German. She didn’t want them to know about her break up... At least for as long as it could be avoided.

Walking along the river shoreline it seemed to her like a very long time had passed since she had left the city... When she left she had no idea that she would be coming back to such a hopeless situation. With a small child. Without a husband. No job. No money... Her eyes were full of tears when she suddenly saw her friend Elena standing in front of her. They hadn’t seen each other since the day Elena had met Hellwig in front of the department store.

Soon after Maria had introduced her to her fiancé, Elena found out that Maria had married the German and they’d left Macedonia to live abroad.

Elena recognized her from afar and saw that she was pushing a stroller. She hurried over to catch up with her. But as Elena came closer she slowed down. She had the impression Maria wanted to

avoid her. What could the reason be for that? But at the same time Elena wasn’t sure why she would want to avoid her.

But as it turned out, Elena was wrong in her assumption... Maria hadn’t seen her.

“Maria,” yelled Elena and ran towards her.

When Maria saw her she tried to smile. Her smile was full of tears... But nothing could be hidden from Elena’s eyes. She saw deep sadness in her friend’s smile. She also noticed the tears... no matter how much Maria tried to hide them. Even before that, Elena felt there was something not right about Maria. The moment she saw her. The way she stood… Her slow pace... Her messy hair...

“Maria, how are you? God, you have a son too? Look how big he is… He looks like his father… As far as I can tell… from the time we met. You remember? In front of the department store...”

Maria felt strange... How could she not remember...? She remembered alright. It was one of the happiest moments in her life… with Hellwig... She remembered the nice time she had with him... She couldn’t feel the ground under her feet. Everyone was nice to her and she liked everyone. She laughed. She was playful… and liked to go everywhere... He brought joy into her life. Happiness... And now...? What could she possibly say to her friend now…? What was there to brag about now…?

This time Maria had to again face Elena’s surprised and envious looks just as she had the time they met in front of the department store... But this time Maria had nothing to say to her. She was willing to let Elena think that she’d found her happiness. The greatest joy of her life...

Maria found her way out of the questions:

“How are you, Elena? What’s new with you? Are you married? We haven’t seen each other for a long time. I don’t know much about what has been happening here.”

“No I’m not married; I don’t even have a boyfriend.”

Maria was really surprised. She figured Elena would be surrounded by prospective candidates. Both for love and marriage. She was a beautiful woman. And successful in almost everything.

“Did you finish college?” asked Maria.

“Yes, I did,” replied Elena indifferently, as if it was something unimportant. She did this deliberately. She knew how important but unattainable a college education was for Maria. But so what. Everyone lived their life in their own way and so did Maria… She hadn’t done too badly. - Elena thought. She’d found a man she loved. And they had married. She now had a wonderful child... Who could tell what was more important in life…? Were people who had finished college happier?

“Do you work?” asked Maria.

Maria used the same tone of voice as the time when she asked Elena if she was still in school.

“Yes, I work...” replied Elena.

She saw envy in Maria’s eyes.

Shortly afterwards Maria asked:

“Where do you work?”

“In a bank…” replied Elena.

“Yes, I remember now, you studied at the Faculty of Economics. Were you hired right after graduation?” asked Maria.

“No. Half a year later,” replied Elena.

“Maybe you have a relative working there in a managerial position?” asked Maria with interest. She spoke quickly. Nervously. So as not to startle Elena.

“No, I applied for the job,” replied Elena.

Elena had no idea at the time why Maria was inquiring so much about her employment. Perhaps she was curious because she hadn’t seen her for a long time.

“How are you?” asked Elena. “You certainly don’t work. Hellwig made good money… when he was here. And of course you can’t work. You have the little one to look after.”

Elena went to caress Carl but he immediately began to cry.

Maria tried to calm him down. She was embarrassed in front of Elena.

“Will you be staying a while?” asked Elena.

Her question startled Maria. She averted her gaze. Maria turned to look at the river.

“I should have gone back already,” replied Maria quickly. “But my mother and sisters don’t want me to go. They got so used to Carl and want us to stay longer.”

“Have you been here a long time?” asked Elena.

“Well, long enough,” replied Maria vaguely. Elena became suspicious that something had happened to Maria which made her unhappy. But should she, even from a distance, be asking her... especially if Maria herself didn’t want to tell her?

“When you’re free, let’s get together. Come and see me,” suggested Elena.

Maria seemed to hesitate.

“Do you have a telephone? Write the number down and I’ll call you,” replied Maria

Elena wrote the number down on a piece of paper that she took out of her bag and handed it to Maria.

“I’m sorry I don’t have anything for Carl. We’ll see each other soon,” said Elena and stroked Carl’s hair.

Elena shook hands with Maria and left. She wanted to turn around and look at Maria from the distance but didn’t. She didn’t want to make Maria suspicious that she’d noticed something unusual about her.

Maria wasn’t sure which would be better – speak or not speak to Elena, albeit from a distance, about her situation. Elena seemed to always give good advice. Would they meet again soon? Maybe she could look her up at her home. When she wasn’t with Carl. She had her phone number... Maria didn’t know anyone else that she could rely on to help her.

Maria walked around the city for a long time. All this time Carl slept in his stroller. She needed to collect her thoughts about what to do… what to write to Hellwig. She had to be firm. He owed it to himself as a father to support his son. And her as well. He should have known that already. But did he? She should take his money by force if necessary. Should she take him to court? She would need to take him to an international court. And for that there must be a lot of money involved to be worth it. Even if she wrote him a letter there was no guarantee that he would get it. It could fall into his mother’s hands. She would never give it to him. Maria was convinced of that. She believed less and less that things between her and Hellwig would get better. Maybe she had been wrong to leave. Maybe this was better for Hellwig. Now he didn’t have to worry about her or his son. They were both far away from him and he was close to his mother and father. Maybe this was better for her. Maria didn’t have to know what was happening with him. Whether he stayed at home or had gone somewhere else to work? Whether he was alone or with another woman... No matter how angry Maria was she became passionately angry at the thought that he could fall in love with another woman! Live with another woman! It was unbearable for her. But she couldn’t understand why she was like that. She’d left him. She had left him with the understanding that she would no

longer live with him, with them, so there was no reason for her to be interested in his current life!

It was neither simple nor easy for Maria to erase all the good things that had taken place between them in the past few years. To be forgotten. Even though they were all mixed with bitterness and suffering. If their relationship meant to him now as it meant to him in the beginning when they left Macedonia, he wouldn’t have let her leave so easily! Would he? Maybe he thought she was reacting impulsively, a momentary response and she would come back sometime later? But why then didn’t he write, not a single word, to ask her what her plans were? Or ask her to come back? Apparently her leaving helped him somehow. If he already wanted to get rid of her...

By not sending any more money Hellwig might have wanted to sever all ties with her. Maria looked at her sleeping son in the stroller and started to cry. Poor Carl, she thought, and immediately wiped her tears. She didn’t want anyone to see her cry, especially someone who knew her.

* * *

A few months later when Elena was returning home from work she heard footsteps moving at a fast pace behind her. It sounded like someone was trying to catch up with her. She suddenly turned. It was Maria following her. God, how much her face had changed, she thought to herself. There was an expression of fear in Maria’s eyes. She looked hopeless. In despair. What could have happened to her? Maybe something with the child? Or with her husband? Maria stopped walking. Her right eyebrow was fluttering.

Elena had the feeling that Maria was hesitant in telling her exactly what had happened. After looking at the tree line beside which they were standing, Maria said:

“I’m done! It’s all over for me,” and began to cry. She looked very uncomfortable.

“What is it, Maria, what happened?” asked Elena anxiously.

“Hellwig is going to leave me. He will divorce me...” replied Maria still in tears.

“How come? Why?” asked Elena looking surprised.

“His mother and father persuaded him to leave me,” replied Maria.

“Maybe it’s not definite. Maybe he’ll think about it and then he’ll change his mind and come for you and the child,” said Elena to reassure her.

Maria seemed like she wasn’t listening to what Elena was saying.

“Is your child still with you?” asked Elena.

Her question upset Maria even more. She opened her eyes wide as if she was experiencing deep fear.

“Why are you asking me that?” yelled Maria. “What are you thinking? Maybe you think... Do you want to say that Hellwig can take my child? Take him away from me by force, or through the courts?!”

“No, no, I didn’t mean that,” replied Elena trying to dismiss that thought. “Believe me...”

“That’s not possible! There is no such possibility, right?” Maria cried repeatedly while persistently waiting for Elena to convince her of that. “Tell me, you’re more educated than me so you surely know more than me.”

“Is that possible? Can they really take her son away from her?” wondered Elena. A terrible question she couldn’t put out of her mind. She badly wanted to suppress it. Cold chills ran through her body. She then forced herself to convincingly say:

“Who would deprive a mother of her child?! Especially so young. Have you been in contact with Hellwig since you arrived?”

Maria’s face twisted into a painful grimace.

“Very little,” she replied, not telling Elena everything.

“Ask him to come here,” said Elena. “Maybe he’ll think differently when he’s here. And he’ll be far away from his parents and their influence.

“He won’t come here and I can’t live there. With them. With his parents. And they can’t live with me…” replied Maria.

“Invite him and he’ll come, you’ll see. He can’t do without you. He loved you very much. Even though I only met him once, briefly, I saw how much he was in love with you,” said Elena.

Maria let out a sad laugh and thought to herself, “That’s right, this is how it was... But now... Things are completely different...”

“I need to find a job, any job,” said Maria.

“Doesn’t he send you money?” asked Elena.

“No!” replied Maria barely audibly.

“You should sue him. How can he do that to you?” asked Elena and immediately realized she had spoken too quickly.

“It’s not that easy,” replied Maria.

“I know...” said Elena and asked, “What kind of work are you looking for?”

“Whatever I can get. See if you can find something for me… You understand...” replied Maria.

“Don’t lose hope. Things can get better even overnight. You have my telephone number, I’ll wait for you to call me. And I will see what I can do about finding you a job...” said Elena.

When they parted Maria didn’t feel any calmer or reassured. She wondered how she would cope with all this. After she had just begun to get her life back in order.

Elena couldn’t believe what she’d heard from Maria. Even then, when she’d met Hellwig and saw that he was a foreigner she’d thought: “How difficult it was to meet a man, a Macedonian, here in Macedonia, let alone a foreigner?” But then Maria and the German seemed so happy together they didn’t leave much room for doubt. Even in any marriage, who could predict everything in advance? How many divorces took place here in Macedonia?

* * *

For the past few months Hellwig wanted to convince himself that Maria was to blame for everything that had happened, even for leaving with his child. At times he was overwhelmed with grief. But his grief didn’t overpower him. He was certain he wouldn’t be able to go Macedonia and live with her and his child. Never... Not after all that had happened in the last few months. He felt Maria hadn’t only rejected his mother and father but also him. Maybe that was the logical thing to do. In a way he had exposed her to all this… He had chosen her as his life companion… He had brought her to live in unbearable conditions... He’d left it up to her to decide on her own what his conflict with his parents was. At the same time he was aware that he was responsible for allowing his parents to treat Maria and her child badly. He was sure it was over for them. There was no going back, no fixing the problem.

The new woman he’d recently brought home he’d known from before. She was a clerk at the bank where he kept his money. The woman was a few years older than him. A simple woman. Practical. He told her about Maria at the first opportunity, during his first conversations with her. Apparently she hadn’t been in a relationship with a man for a long time. Even though she understood what had happened with Hellwig’s marriage, that they had just broken up, she didn’t mind being with him. She also accepted, without much hesitation, his offer to come to his house. And soon afterwards move in with him.