Front Matter - Part 08

“I don’t know exactly how this happened but I can guess,” said the doctor.

It was almost three months since Maria was re-admitted to the hospital before Elena told the doctor that she was coming to visit Maria on the weekend. He tried to dissuade her... he told her that he didn’t want her to have any contact with Maria. Still Elena insisted she wanted to see her.

This time she went by bus. She didn’t trust the doctor… that he was telling her everything. She wanted to see her with her own eyes... Also, she didn’t want to postpone her visit as the doctor suggested...

After several unsuccessful attempts to talk to Maria, Elena found it so difficult that she didn’t want to talk to the doctor.

“All avenues of communicating with Maria are closed. At least for now. We’ll see how long that will take. All we can do now is medicate her. I hope that helps,” said the doctor anxiously.

“If she hadn’t gone to see her child and Hellwig, this might not have happened, her crisis wouldn’t have returned so quickly,” replied Elena.

“Maybe not. But her illness was still there inside her... She couldn’t live a normal life with it inside her... She was aware of that and the risks she was taking... She knew exactly how much she was risking... Sometimes we, the doctors, hope that maybe during such moments like meeting a child might help unburden a person... Especially when one sees that their child is alive and well, and that everything is fine... But, unfortunately, it didn’t turn out that way for Maria... Who she saw there, with whom she met, what happened…? We don’t know... We only know about the events that we learned about at the airport when she came back.

* * *

Maria’s condition lasted three and a half years. Almost everyone lost hope... her mother... her sisters… Elena. But not the doctor... He kept trying different medications and other methods of treatment... He refused to give up. He often quarreled with the nurses and orderlies if they didn’t give her the best care or if they left her unwashed or her hair uncombed. He also kept strict control over her diet… feeding schedule, what she ate and how much.

She didn’t start improving rapidly until the end of the fourth year. This was unexpected for everyone except the doctor. Although he himself at times was unsure whether there was hope for Maria to find her way out of the darkness into which she had sunk.

The doctor decided not to tell Elena when he saw the first signs of improvement... He waited for her to get better. She needed more time... First to make sure that she was really coming out of her

darkness. The last drugs he’d given her, so far, had had a good effect on only two patients... The doctor wanted to make sure that it was the medication that caused the improvements and not just some coincidence.

He carefully looked at the image of his face on the window. There was something in him that was different from all these difficult months and years of hard work and worry. He continued to walk in the yard. Close to the window of his office... Maybe he would be lucky this time, he thought.

A few days later the nurses told him that they had noticed a slightly more sober expression on Maria’s face... Even in her eyes. Everyone was happy to hear that. They were glad they’d never “given up on her”, as they used to say.

The doctor increased the dose of the drug he was giving her. Within the limit of what was allowed, of course. Day after day the improvements were more and more noticeable. He patiently waited for more improvements. He hadn’t yet invited her to his office for a doctor’s visit and to talk. He figured it was best if she asked for a visit herself. He thought he was being witty wanting to believe in miracles!

And a miracle started to happen… before their eyes. Maria started to wash, comb her hair, change her clothes and eat by herself.

The doctor feared the worst the moment Maria realized that she was back in the hospital. And for how long she’d been there! But even though some facts were hard to accept, you couldn’t change them no matter how much you wanted to. The most important thing was for her to get well. At least to some extent...

Before she started talking, Maria entered a phase that was difficult for everyone around her. She cried... Very often... Quietly. Uncomfortably. At first she cried almost silently. Then she started crying loudly. With an unbearably sad voice. Most patients either didn’t notice, or didn’t pay attention to her... But the nurses and orderlies tried, at first very carefully, to persuade her to stop crying. But Maria wouldn’t. She cried so often that it seemed like she was

crying non-stop... Day and night. Many from the staff began to lose patience and began to argue with her.

After a while Maria’s crying started to sound like singing... More like mourning... It seemed like all the sadness that had accumulated in her soul was pouring out... From time to time she mentioned names through the song... Then she began to call out names by themselves, uncontrollably, while tears flowed from her eyes... When that passed it eased everyone’s tension... But they feared that she might be retreating into herself... Fortunately that didn’t happen.

At first the doctor hesitated to call her for a doctor’s visit. He figured it would be best to wait a while... To find the right moment when she really needed a visit.

Days passed... then weeks...

That morning he asked the nurse to bring her over to his office and he became excited... He wondered if he was doing the right thing.

When Maria came into his office he got out of his chair and went to meet her.

“Hello,” he said to her. “It’s been a long time since we talked last.”

“How long?” she asked looking somewhat confused.

“An eternity!” he replied avoiding giving her an exact answer.

“A year… two?” guessed Maria in a persistent tone of voice.

“Let’s say, that long...” he replied.

Maria shook her head. She didn’t believe him... But didn’t know for sure how long...

“Are you okay now?” asked the doctor more as a statement than asking her a question.

She didn’t answer but shook her head for a long time.

“Are we still friends?” he asked.

Maria smiled barely noticeably... That was her first smile since returning to the hospital. It was more like an attempt to smile.

“It’s not easy to find a friend and friends shouldn’t give up on each other so easily,” he said to her, grabbed her by the shoulders with both hands, shook her a bit and said:

“Let’s get you better faster. We have a lot of work to do.”

Maria looked at him with a surprised look.

He then said: “We need to tidy up the library. It’s in a real mess... And there are wonderful books there...”

Maria’s facial expression seemed to change. It became milder...

The doctor then said: “I’m not letting you go anywhere until we sort everything out there, as it should be! Look how many books there are... But no one can find anything.”

What the doctor was saying to Maria sounded like an echo from a very distant dream in her consciousness... Like she didn’t know why he was really there... What he really wanted from her... Did she really need to talk to him?

Then, suddenly, she darted out of his office without saying goodbye.

The doctor sounded the alarm and called on the nurses and orderlies to look for her and follow her. He realized that it had been too early for that talk... He still had to wait... He shouldn’t even tell Elena about this. Let her situation improve, there was a time for talking and for visits... From now on we must be much more careful in what we do.

After Maria was readmitted to the hospital, due to her relapse, visits from her sisters became rare. Even from Elena. Elena periodically called on the telephone to get progress reports on Maria’s condition but the doctor rarely told her anything new. The doctor sensed that Elena was getting more and more upset every time she called. That’s why the last time she called and was told that there were some visible signs of improvement, she almost dropped the handset. She wanted to know more… she wanted more details.

“Elena, please let’s not rush into any kind of prognosis. I think things will get better in time. Believe me, these are just the first steps. And when you see her relatives tell them not to expect much. With her condition things can change from day to day. Today things can go well and tomorrow they can regress. And please, no visits...” said the doctor.

“But I don’t have the patience, precisely because a lot of time has passed...” replied Elena.

“I will let you know when you can come and visit. I will call you myself... You and her sisters. I know you trust me... I’m sorry, I have to go now, I have work to do.”

Elena hung up the phone... “When would poor Maria’s luck improve… at least a little bit?” Elena asked herself and, before her work day ended, began to carefully think about what she’d say to Maria’s mother and sisters when she passed by their house.

When she gave them the news they were happy but also upset...

“It’s nice that she has improved at least a little... How much longer must she stay there... It would be nicer if she was at home,” they said all talking at the same time. Then they began to calculate how long she had been there.

Elena encouraged them to talk. It gave them hope.

Someone rang the doorbell. Lile went and opened the door. A young man came inside with her. Elena didn’t know him.

“This is my friend,” said Lile.

He extended his hand to Elena and said in Serbian “I am Chedomir.” Elena also extended her hand and, while curiously looking at him, figured he wasn’t Macedonian...

After some silence Lile said:

“We work together. He is the director’s driver. He only deals with the directors...” Lile tried to say something more about her friend.

“Not only with directors but also with secretaries,” he replied jokingly.

Soon after that Elena said goodbye and left. Lile went out with her.

“I noticed you looked surprised... I guess you were surprised that my friend wasn’t Macedonian. It’s also surprising that I’m dating a foreigner especially after everything that happened to Maria. My mother is unable to reconcile with that. She’s afraid that the same story will be repeated. I will experience Maria’s fate. And because of the things that are happening in Bosnia... And not only in Bosnia... But, like there is some fate. From the first days when he came to work with us, he and I connected. At least so far. I not only connected with him but also with his entire family. I’m very close with them. They really love me. I believe things will go well for me... I’m sure Maria won’t like this… Fear has dominated her conscience...” said Lile.

“You shouldn’t think like that... Don’t burden yourself... It doesn’t matter where he’s from. Being a good person is what’s important. Maria was unlucky with those people. Not all people are alike. It’s wrong to think that way. Just be sure that your Chedomir is a good man. And that you love each other. That’s the most important thing,” replied Elena.

* * *

It took almost three months before the doctor would allow people to visit Maria. This time both Nade and Lile went with Elena. They

agreed not to say anything about Hellwig or Carl. If Maria asked, they were only allowed to say “from time to time Hellwig wondered if she was in better health. And only through letters... In a few words. Written in some twisted Macedonian language. And that they never replied to those letters…”

In the few sentences they exchanged Maria didn’t ask a thing about Carl. She seemed to be afraid to mention Hellwig or Carl. Accordingly their visit ended very quickly. For which they had traveled far. But the most important thing was that they’d seen Maria with their own eyes. And that she was able to talk, at least about some things. It looked like she was going to recover completely. They found that their visit was tiring for Maria. Before leaving Maria asked them how their mother was and to say hello to her... Initially Maria seemed not to want to take the things, especially the food, that they’d brought her… But later, just before they left, she changed her mind.

On the bus, while traveling home, none of them seemed to have any desire to talk. Elena, however, tried to encourage them. She said:

“You’ll see how much Maria will surprise us the next time we go to visit her. She’s very strong...”

* * *

The doctor scheduled visits and had talks with Maria almost every day. During all these times he avoided talking about her trip to Germany. He figured it would take a long time before she was able to talk about that... If ever.

Maria, however, wanted to clarify some things and started thinking about her most recent events... The last ones being before she returned to the hospital. She, however, never mentioned this to the doctor.

...Carl is very young, she thought... I shouldn’t have expected him to recognize me... He had been with Hellwig’s other wife for three years. Who knows if she or Hellwig ever told him that he had his own mother and that she was alive? Before their child was born.

And how is a small child expected to understand all that…? Now, however, it’s different. He’ll soon be nine years old. Surely he already knows how to read and write...

This is where her thoughts were focused.

Her sisters were completely surprised when one day Maria asked them to bring letter sized envelopes and paper to write on. They checked with the doctor and he allowed it. They also got her a pen. She took a long time to write the letter. Many days. When she was done the doctor asked her to whom she’d written. She told him she wrote it to her son in Germany and asked the doctor if he could mail it for her.

“Will he understand Macedonian?” asked the doctor.

“I wrote it in German,” she replied.

“Is it okay if you tell me what you wrote? Not that I want to poke my nose everywhere, but anyway. Out of curiosity,” asked the doctor.

“Well, I generally wrote to him to explain that he should know that he has a mother... That I was seriously ill because I was very sad at not being with him... And that I’m better now... I also asked him if he could, with help from his father, write me a few sentences... I asked him to tell me if he knew he had a mother... Had they told him...? That’s all... Is there something bad that I said…? I don’t think so, right?” replied Maria.

“No, there was nothing bad,” said the doctor. “And I promise you I will personally mail your letter.”

Maria looked him in the eyes with gratitude.

“Even if he doesn’t answer you now,” the doctor assured her, “you will see that when he grows up he will look for you on his own.”

There was a sign of hope on Maria’s face...

During every subsequent visit she had with him, after the doctor promised that he would personally mail her letter, Maria seemed to want to ask him - had he sent it? But she didn’t dare. The doctor felt that this suspicion would continue until Maria received a reply. If she ever did... He himself was impatient. He was sure that it would be better for Maria’s health if her son replied to her… At least a few words... Better than that, it would be a greater joy for her if her child answered her. But not her ex husband.

“Twenty days have passed since the letter was sent,” Maria said during a meeting with the doctor.

He understood that this was only a statement of fact but that it also carried a question with it. Having no answer the doctor shrugged his shoulders.

In the meantime, while waiting for a reply to her letter, Maria kept asking herself. “Did Carl’s father and stepmother give him the letter? Did he forget her? Did they ever mention her in Carl’s presence all these years? And if so did he have feelings for her? Would they allow him to reply to her letter? How does he feel about her now, after so many years away from her? And did his grandparents hide her letter from him?”

* * *

What Maria in fact didn’t know was the unenviable situation Hellwig’s mother and father found themselves in after he married Marsha. Instead of isolating her, like they had Maria, Marsha began to ignore them. She ignored them to such an extent that, in order to avoid unpleasant encounters with her, they were forced to open a separate entrance to the house... Hellwig was completely under her spell, especially after she gave birth to their son. After that his contact with his mother and father became a real rarity. He was so out of it that he couldn’t understand why his parents had to build a special entrance. After all he knew that Marsha only pretended to be offended... On top of that Marsha began to work on Hellwig, suggesting to him that his parents couldn’t stand him, Hellwig, their own child… as well as his son.

Because of this new situation, where contact was minimized between Hellwig’s family and his parents, Maria’s letter to Carl didn’t get into the old people’s hands. And, as was often the case, coincidences in life bring unpredictable results. The mailman gave Carl the letter. Carl ran into him when he was returning home from school. They met at the front gate. When Carl saw his name on the envelope he became curious and opened it. He read it twice...

Carl decided not to go straight home. There was a small park nearby. He went there. He sat on one of the benches... He cried quietly. Once in a while Marsha and his father had mentioned to him that his mother was living in another country.

“I take care of you because your mother is sick…” Marsha often said to him.

But until he saw the letter, what Marsha had told him about that other mother seemed completely untrue. Like it was part of some story... Marsha had also told him that he would be allowed to see and meet his mother who gave birth to him, if they ever came into contact...

Carl couldn’t believe it was true. That his real mother, who has been living in another country for a long time, was sick for so many years... He did remember meeting her when he was very young but thought it was a dream. Like he’d invented her. He didn’t believe that she was really there and that he didn’t know her. And that he ran away from her. It was so traumatic for him that every time he thought about those moments he wanted to forget them. But sometimes he felt sorry for her even though he didn’t believe she was real.

Now this letter shook him up... It proved to him that she was real. He looked at the envelope several times and made sure that the letter was from another country. Exactly the one his father and mother mentioned to him when they told him about his other mother.

Carl thought that it would be best if he didn’t tell his mother and father about the letter. If she found out about it… his mother Marsha, might love him even less... And his father? He might leave

them and go to that other mother... That thought frightened Carl and made him shiver... Suddenly he felt a hug from someone standing behind him... It was Marsha.

“Hey, what’re you doing here?! Looking like you’ve been kicked out of the house?” asked Marsha.

Carl tried to quickly hide the letter. But nothing escaped Marsha’s eyes and ears.

By the time Carl was sure he’d managed to put the letter in his pants pocket, it was already in Marsha’s hand.

“So, I see you’re already hiding letters from girls!” said Marsha jokingly.

“As if she were any girl,” thought Carl all in a panic...

Marsha quickly glanced over the envelope again and said:

“And I see here that you found a female abroad?!”

Carl began to blush and then turned yellow and couldn’t speak.

At that point Marsha became very serious. Even angry. She said:

“It’s not possible! You corresponding with your mother and hiding it from me and your father! You ungrateful child...! This is how you pay me for looking after you like you were my own son…? Like I gave birth to you…? Like I’m your real mother? I’ve never treated you any different, about anything, than like you were my own child! Your father will be very happy when he finds out about this! And where your letters come from?! Well, everything is possible… But this…? You doing this? This is something I couldn’t have even dreamt!”

Carl frantically stared at Marsha. She was so angry that he didn’t dare tell her how he’d gotten the letter. That it was his first letter from that woman and that the mailman had given it to him. How was he supposed to remember her, as his mother, when he was only

two years old? This is what they’d told him when he was first taken to Germany? Everything that Marsha said to him was cruel. With the letter in her hand she walked in front of him and he ran behind her crying.

Carl sat alone in his room for almost an hour before he heard the front door of the house open... His father had come home from work. He wanted to run to meet him but was so afraid of Marsha that he didn’t dare move.

“Where is Carl? Isn’t he back from school?” asked his father anxiously.

“He’s here. In his room!” she replied.

Carl could sense there was still anger in her voice. It hadn’t passed yet. From the half-open door he saw his mother hand over the letter to his father without saying anything. His father was silent for a long time after he finished reading it. Then Marsha, not being as angry as when she’d spoken to Carl, said:

“Carl has been hiding his correspondence with his mother from us!”

“Didn’t you notice that from what she said in the letter this was his first letter from her?” said his father to Marsha in a quite rude tone of voice. “You’re so angry you missed all that.”

When his father went to his room he found Carl shaking.

“Hello, Carl,” he said to him like Carl was an adult. Hellwig was holding the letter in his hand.

“How did you get this letter?” he asked.

“When I came home from school I ran into the mailman at the front gate and he gave it to me. I saw my name on the envelope and I opened it,” replied Carl.

Carl’s voice trembled so much that he could barely say the words.

“There’s nothing wrong with that,” said his father and hugged him to calm him down. “Play for a while then come to dinner.”

“I’m not hungry,” replied Carl quickly. For the moment he was afraid of running into Marsha. Sitting in his room he struggled to hear what they were saying.

“You unnecessarily blamed the child. I was certain that the mailman had accidentally given it to him. Carl is too young to hide such a thing from us. He never believed us when we told him things about Maria... that she was his mother who gave birth to him. It will take years for him to understand these things... The most important thing now is that she’s getting better with her health!”

“You seem to have a guilty conscience,” said Marsha. “Didn’t you read what she said? She got sick because she was missing Carl...”

Carl, who was listening to their conversation, didn’t understand what “a guilty conscience” was... But he knew what “she got sick because she was missing Carl” meant. He also recognized the sentence because it was written in the letter.

“If we have to lay blame, then it’s your fault too. You not only agreed to take Carl from her but you were the one who first suggested it... It was your idea...” replied Hellwig.

“You mean to tell me that you took him from her... because of me...?” asked Marsha.

“That’s right! But I also wanted Carl to grow up with us. I wanted to raise him, not Maria... I thought it would be good for us... To have two sons... Unfortunately it turned out to be tragic for Maria... Or... maybe, you were sorry we took him, and after Philip was born you no longer wanted him...” replied Hellwig.

Marsha didn’t answer him... She didn’t even try to lie to him...

Carl was so confused he couldn’t think at all. He wanted to run to his father... To ask him to explain things to him... To make sense for him the things written in the letter and the conversation he’d

overheard between his father and Marsha. Did he really have another mother, in another country...? And, like she wrote in the letter, she loved and missed him? That she wanted to see him and begged him to write her a letter...? And was it true that she wasn’t sick anymore... like she was before? Carl was surprised at how much he remembered from what he’d read in the letter.

“Carl, let’s go, come and eat!” he heard his mother’s voice say.

“Come Carl, come now, I’m hungry, let’s eat” he heard his father say.

Carl wanted to show that he was offended by his mother. He kept quiet and refused to leave his room. Soon his father came over to see what was holding him up. He took Carl by the hand and escorted him to the dinner table. Carl felt a tear running down his cheek. Marsha saw it but pretended she didn’t. She was really sorry that she’d gotten angry with the child and that she’d been completely tactless.

When dinner was over they both sat down next to Carl and tried to explain things.

“Now that you’re older we can tell you things,” said his father and continued.

“Your mother left me because she no longer wanted to live here in Germany. She took you with her. You were very young then. You were less than a year old. She went back to the country where I met her. To Macedonia. She was very poor and didn’t have the means to look after you properly. And that’s why I took you from her. To live here with us. With me and Marsha. I thought I would keep you here until she had the means to look after you. At the same time you could grow a little older... But unfortunately your birth mother got sick... Then when she thought she was well she came here to see you. But the same day she had to go back. She wasn’t as healthy as she thought,” said Hellwig.

After that Marsha spoke quietly choosing every word carefully. She said: “Don’t be afraid. You should be happy. All children have one

mother, so does your brother Philip. But you’re lucky, you have two mothers... And if you want, you can write her a letter... If you don’t want to you don’t have to... You’ve lived with me many years and I looked after you but she’s the mother who gave birth to you...”

After the talk Carl ran outside and sat on the stairs at the front entrance of the house. He thought about what his mother and father had told him and tried to make sense of it. He cried inconsolably. Neither Hellwig nor Marsha went out to get him. They left him alone for awhile. To let him get over it on his own.

A few days later Hellwig noticed Carl writing something secretly. He tried to hide it from him but Hellwig immediately noticed... He felt that Carl needed to... At the same time his father felt sorry for him, that Carl had to deal with such a difficult issue at such a young age. He really wanted to know what the child was writing... but didn’t openly interfere. He pretended he didn’t see anything. It wasn’t until the evening when Carl fell asleep that he decided to take the piece of paper out of his backpack and read it. Carl had written a letter to Maria, who he’d just found out about… that she was his second mother. He’d heard about her from Marsha and his father but he was too young to understand. In the letter he said he was very sorry that she had been so sick and that he was glad that she was well now. At the end of the letter he sent his sincere greetings to her and begged her to send him a photo of herself.

Hellwig didn’t want to tell Marsha about Carl’s letter to Maria... But told her anyway. He categorically said:

“Don’t you dare tell him that you know about his letter? Leave the child alone. Let him find his own way. It’s worse if we continue to lead him.”

“He needs to learn not to hide things from us,” replied Marsha disagreeably.

“Let him have his own world. It’s not easy for him,” said Hellwig.

When the letter from Germany, addressed to Maria, arrived at the hospital it was immediately given to the doctor. It was better that way; it gave the doctor a chance to prepare Maria for the surprise. Even more so because they didn’t know what was written in it.

The next day the doctor called Maria to his office.

“By the way, how old is Carl?” he asked out of the blue.

Maria loudly began to count the years, the months and even the weeks in front of him.

“What number did you come up with?” asked the doctor.

“Nine and a half,” replied Maria.

“Oh, he’s a grown boy!” he said.

The doctor paid attention to every word he said. He felt that everything he said would be very important to her.

Maria followed every word the doctor said. It was as if she sensed that he wanted to say something to her. She kept looking at him straight with eyes wide open... After he smiled she realized it wasn’t anything bad.

“Maria, Carl is now in third or fourth grade, right? He certainly already knows how to read and write well,” he said.

Maria grabbed him by his arm and excitedly asked:

“Did Carl write me a letter?!”

“I’ll tell you if you promise me that no matter what’s written in it, you’ll remain firm...” said the doctor.

“I promise!” said Maria resolutely as her face lit up.

The doctor knew the letter was from Carl. The address on the envelope looked like it was written by a child. If what was inside was also written by a child, he believed it couldn’t be anything bad.

Maria grabbed the envelope from the doctor’s hand. She was so excited she almost accidentally tore it. She then ran to the window and opened it with trembling hands. She began to read... Her tears dripped like raindrops... But she kept the letter away from them... She didn’t want to wet it. She then pressed it against her chest and whispered:

“I have my child back... I have my son back... My dear son wrote me a letter... And he wants me to send him a photograph of me... He wants to see his mother... My child has that right... So that he will know me... How else would he know what I look like…?”

Maria was silent for a while... She then went towards the doctor and gave him a gentle hug... Like she wanted to show him how grateful she was... But only her heart knew that for sure.

* * *

Maria’s health was visibly improving from one day to the next... Everyone was happy. Almost all the staff who knew her history felt very sorry for her. That’s why when her health started to improve they wanted to help her as much as possible.

Her visits with her sisters became more frequent. Elena was there every week with them. At their first opportunity her sisters brought Maria one of the most beautiful photos they had of her at home. So that she could send it to Carl along with the letter she’d written to him.

It took a long time for Carl to reply... The doctor had to convince her that she needed to be very patient. Carl was still a little boy. He needed time to get used to the fact that there, somewhere far away, in a distant country, was his other mother of whom he’d only recently become aware...

And, as it turned out, the doctor was right... A letter from the child did arrive... And in it were many photos... From his school... almost all of them were from his school...

Maria wondered why Marsha and Hellwig had allowed Carl to respond to her letters. What was more interesting was why his grandparents had allowed him to correspond with his mother. On top of that why would they give Carl the letters Maria had sent him? Perhaps they were no longer alive...?

* * *

During the following weeks the doctor gradually, almost without her knowing, put Maria to work maintaining the library... Another sick woman also helped... She was a primary school teacher. There really were a lot of books. They were scattered on all sides of the library. Covered in dust. Maria was happy that she was fulfilling the doctor’s wish and the place began to look like a real library with each passing day. The shelves were cleaned, the books dusted and arranged alphabetically.

The library was equipped with a small reading room. With several tables and chairs. Maria began to love this job more and more. She started spending most of her days there. The doctor was very pleased. He saw that Maria was doing the work from her heart. She treated the books with special care, even with love.

Maria began to convince the sick, whose health condition allowed it, to become regular readers in her library. And as they did the numbers grew. Maria had read some of the books during her high school years and felt qualified to recommend them to others. Telling them a little of what the books were about. When the doctor found this out he became even more convinced that Maria should be paid for her work and kept there as a permanent hospital library employee.

One morning he decided to speak to her about it. He said “Maria, I want to suggest something to you but please don’t rush to answer.”

“You have something for me again?” she asked jokingly.

“Yes. I spoke with the hospital director and if you want a paid job as a librarian in our library you can have it. We will work out your salary if you accept it,” replied the doctor.

While he was telling her this the doctor noticed a confused look on Maria’s face. A mixed expression of surprise and joy. At the same time she wasn’t sure if she understood him correctly.

“Did I get this right? You want to hire me here, as a librarian, in a full-time job?!” she asked.

“That’s right. The date today is the twenty-ninth and you can start work in two days! You will start getting paid from the first day next month!” replied the doctor.

Maria hugged the doctor for a long time and cried with joy...

The doctor had to free himself from her grip...

“And here I thought you wouldn’t want to stay... Of course on weekends you’ll be able to go home and visit your family. Later on you can go home on other days too,” added the doctor.

The next day one of the nurses brought Maria work clothes. She couldn’t believe it. Her first full-time job. At the end of the month, like all hospital staff, she would be paid. The fact that she had to remain in the hospital didn’t bother her at all. On the contrary, she was very happy to be able to help the sick. Through books, through conversation... And she was aware that in that way she too would be able to completely recover... The most important thing was that eventually she would solve her financial situation and would have her own money... She didn’t know how much it would be... but it would be money she’d earned on her own... She would be able to save something... One day she would be able to see Carl... No. She wouldn’t go there anymore... To Germany... She’d invite Carl to visit her and meet his closest relatives... Most of all her... his mother, who’d given birth to him...

When her mother and sisters got the latest news, they didn’t know whether to be happy or to worry... Maria would be tied to the hospital for a long time... Maybe she’d stay there forever... Would that be good for her?

Elena didn’t hesitate to encourage them. It would be good for Maria to be with the doctor for some time. And with the job he offered her, she wouldn’t feel sick... The fact that she would be employed and that she’d receive a salary would give her back the meaning of life... She’d be her own person.

When Maria wrote her next letter to Carl she told him that she had a job as a librarian. She told him that it was one of those things she’d always loved most to do. And lucky for her she’d gotten what she wished for.

Soon she’d be able to invite him over to visit her, his grandmother and aunts during the holidays. She believed that his father would allow him to do that, that is, he would let him go to see her. Nothing was said about the stepmother.

The next day Maria went to the library dressed in her work clothes. She couldn’t describe how she felt. Soon the doctor and several of the orderlies came over to see her. One by one all the people who had helped her in her most difficult moments during the many years she was there came over to express their joy and congratulate her.

Maria felt like she was dreaming. After a while all those who came over to wish her well eventually left. She was there alone. It felt weird. She couldn’t believe that this was happening to her... Would she succeed in her new job? Would her health improve as a result of it? A while later her colleague came over. She was the woman with whom she would be working in the library. Her presence made her feel secure. Maria picked out two books to read herself. Soon the first readers began to arrive. From her experience Maria knew that the most important thing with hospital patients was to first gain their trust. To communicate with them like you were one of them... She succeeded in that fairly quickly. Maria gained more confidence with each new reader visiting the library. She felt more secure.

People employed by the hospital also started returning to the library. They spent time perusing books. It wasn’t difficult to find what they were looking for now that the books were arranged properly. They were also captivated by Maria’s smile and her considerate attitude towards them.

* * *

In the last letter Carl wrote to Maria he said his father and Marsha had agreed to let him go to Macedonia during the winter holidays. She just needed to tell him when, on what date exactly that she wanted him to come... When Maria read that she cried with joy... She immediately showed her letter to the doctor.

“I told you it was going to happen… All you needed to do was have a lot of patience,” said the doctor.

“I did and somehow I managed to survive,” whispered Maria excitedly.

“I can imagine how happy his grandmother and aunts will be when they find out about this!” said the doctor.

Maria thought for a moment and said: “I’m at work every day now... What will it be like when Carl comes to visit me?”

Maria tried to figure out what she would do when Carl came. She didn’t want him to see her in this environment.

“Please don’t worry Maria. As soon as you find out when Carl is coming and how long he is staying you will get days off. There are quite a few months until then so don’t worry…” replied the doctor.

The time before Carl’s arrival passed quickly... For Maria it was like a dispersing fog. Since then they’d begun to correspond more and more often. All details were discussed. Every corner of Maria’s house was cleaned. His grandmother was most worried about whether he would like the dishes she cooked and the zelniks (pies) she baked.

The only question for Maria now was; how would Carl react to her? How would he treat her? Maybe like a foreigner?! She was aware that since he hadn’t seen her since he was two years old, she couldn’t expect him to feel like she was his mother... But why make such assumptions? Carl’s visit and his stay here would reveal what their relationship would be like.

* * *

On the day of Carl’s arrival everyone was awake from the early morning hours. Maria had barely slept. Two or three hours at most... She slept through a nightmare... She dreamt she’d fallen asleep and was late arriving at the airport... When she got there all the passengers had gotten off the plane but Carl wasn’t there... She couldn’t recognize him...

Dressed in her new dress, which she’d bought with her own money, Maria stood in front of the mirror checking out her hair to make sure it wasn’t messed up. Both her sisters and her mother were already dressed. Dinner was baking in the oven. Even the potatoes were peeled and ready to be baked. The aroma of freshly baked zelnik spread through the house.

When Maria heard the car horn outside she ran out, got into the car and was driven to the airport. She thought of the many exciting moments, both good and bad, which she had experienced in her life... Being with her son, after so many years, was causing many feelings to arise in her soul. Her heart began to pound. Would Carl allow her to hug him…? Like a mother...?

When they arrived at the airport Elena gave her a light sedative, even though she knew she was taking medication prescribed by her doctor. When the plane landed, Maria felt like she had stopped breathing.

Carl was the fourth passenger to come out. He walked into the lobby where people greeted the passengers. Maria and Elena noticed there was a piece of paper with large letters sewn onto the boy’s jacket. “CARL” was written on it... Maria ran but the more she tried to run the slower her steps were... She figured she mustn’t rush... she

mustn’t do anything that would cause irritation. There was nothing in his hands. His hands were free. All his things were in his backpack.

“Hello Carl,” she said, reaching out to him with open arms. Then she remembered and said hello again but this time in German. She then said:

“Welcome.”

The boy looked at her with a smile on his face, shook her hand and then greeted her back in German. Maria didn’t hug him like she had planned to. After that Elena and her colleague came over. Maria introduced them to Carl and told him they were her friends who’d come with a car to drive them home.

In the car Maria told him that his grandmother and aunts were waiting for him at home.

Before entering the house Carl greeted his aunts by shaking their hands. But his grandmother decided to kiss him, even though she wasn’t supposed to. She looked at everyone with a guilty look on her face. Carl didn’t object.

They had some difficulty communicating during the first hour. But that quickly passed. He enjoyed all the dishes his grandmother had cooked for him. He tried to learn Macedonian words by repeating them and asking what they meant. They gave him his own room to sleep in.

When Carl went to bed everyone seemed to be relieved. It wasn’t easy to communicate when they didn’t speak the same language. Maria had the difficult task of translating for everyone. What they asked and what they answered.

When they were alone in the hallway, Maria, almost it tears, said she couldn’t believe that Carl had come... That he was there! That he was sleeping in their home...

The next and following days, Carl himself was surprised at how good he felt being in the home of these four women... He felt like he’d always been here. Intimacy and warmth surrounded him on all sides. He also quickly became friends with the children he met in the nearby houses. They kept calling him to come out and play... He even started going to their houses. Not only the children but also their siblings and even their parents treated him like someone they’d known for a long time. They all talked to him with respect. Even though they spoke to him in Macedonian, he began to understand what they were saying. He soon learned the simpler words he needed to communicate with them.

Similarly, he got along just as well with the children of his relatives, his cousins, etc. He accepted their invitations for him to go to visit them. Carl was happy to go visiting. Everything was somehow different here… Different from Cologne. The people here were strange... They actually made time for him. They talked to him. They didn’t mind that he was so young. They joked with him... At times it seemed to him that these people were carefree.