Front Matter - Part 06

She hid the envelope so that no one there could find it, not her mother and not her sisters. She quickly got dressed. Got Carl out of bed, dressed him and left for City Hall. She was determined to get the city mayor to hear her out. She knew there were many people in

the city who were unemployed but she figured her case was special. She was desperate...

* * *

When she entered the reception area of the city mayor’s office Maria was greeted by a smiling face belonging to a beautiful young secretary. She was tastefully dressed and had make up on her face. From her smug expression she gave the impression that everything was in order. As if no problems existed at all. But when Maria told her why she was there the secretary became nervous. Obviously, it wasn’t uncommon for people with small children to come to this office.

“Please, let me talk to the mayor. It’s very important...” whispered Maria.

The secretary looked at her again from head to toe and told her that she needed to make an appointment well in advance. She could make the appointment by telephone.

Maria tried to briefly explain her problem to the woman and lucky for her Carl wasn’t fussy at the time, like he knew his mother was trying to say something very important. Both for him and his mother. Maria hoped that the secretary, being young, would understand and allow her to see the mayor. But she quickly noticed that she didn’t care. She looked indifferent and even bored. She could hardly wait for Maria to finish talking. But even before Maria was done talking, she interrupted her and said:

“The mayor is going to a meeting now and immediately after that he will be leaving. If you want a job you need to go to the employment office. The mayor doesn’t deal with these kinds of issues.”

“But I have been there many times... They won’t even listen to me…” replied Maria looking like she was about to cry.

“You need to be more persistent. They have to listen to you. It’s their job...” said the secretary.

Maria was silent and so was young Carl. At that moment Maria noticed that the secretary was getting even more nervous. She began to nervously move some juice glasses and coffee cups, which she had probably just taken from the mayor’s office. Maria realized that, by doing this, the secretary was letting her know that it was time for her to leave.

Maria took Carl in her arms and, without saying goodbye, left.

With great relief the secretary watched them leave the office. She thought to herself, how ridiculous… It’s never a good thing to let people see the mayor for every little thing… and without an appointment… We have all kinds of other services people can go to…?”

Maria was now in despair. She was upset at not being able to see the mayor. She should have forced her way into his office. She shouldn’t have listened to that apathetic woman. Apparently, nothing Maria said seemed to touch her. Maria walked down the street with her child in her arms without knowing where she was going. She knew that if she went back to the employment office the clumsy clerk would tell her the same thing he always told her... She was tired of being rejected. Each rejection was similar to the previous one. She’d tried many times to explain her problem and her troubles and each time she got the same response:

“Wait your turn! Get in line! Look how many there are before you... And not with one child but with many!”

* * *

Maria didn’t know who to go to and with whom to consult. She didn’t believe that a German court would see things her way. At the same time she didn’t believe that a German court would reach a verdict without her present. They had to invite her. Moreover, she had German citizenship. Hellwig would have to pay for her transportation. They weren’t divorced yet... And, as for the fact that she didn’t have the means to support Carl, Hellwig would have pay for his support… because he was his father!

Maria wasn’t summoned to go to Germany. She was summoned to go to a court in the city where she lived. On the day of her hearing she put on a nice dress, left Carl with her mother and one of her sisters and went to court alone.

The judge asked Maria why she had left her husband and his home. Maria told him that she’d had an argument with his parents and that it was impossible to live with them. They were evil people. Murderers...

When she said that the judge warned her not to use offensive language against anyone.

“This is a court,” said the judge, “not the street.”

Maria was very nervous and could barely control her emotions.

“But you by yourself, voluntarily, left your husband and his home. You voluntarily left the country in which he lived and worked! You even took his child. Without prior agreement… without his consent…” said the judge.

The judge’s comments seemed to make sense. Everything was true but it was all based on what was written in the divorce document. Any judge, even an ordinary person, would have said the same. But how could the judge possibly understand under what circumstances she was brought to her husband’s family? How could he possibly understand the humiliation Maria endured under those conditions? The terrible isolation! His parents’ manners towards her? Their villainous attitude? How she was hated and unwelcome from the first day that she set foot in their house? And how they openly showed their dislike for her? How could the judge possibly know Maria’s side of the story from what he read in the diverse document prepared solely by Hellwig’s lawyer without any input from her?

The judge only knew what was in the divorce document. The same document her husband Hellwig, or Heli as she often called him, had prepared in which he accused her of breaking up their marriage,

without mentioning any of the conditions which Maria had endured while living there... in his parents’ house. He never mentioned the horrible things that took place which he was supposed to prevent, but didn’t. But instead of her blaming him for making her a victim, he blamed her for everything...

It seemed to her like the judge was speaking from the distance... from afar. He was saying her name in a much louder tone... Painfully lining up event after unfortunate event before her eyes... Spilling out the pain that darkened her life in her recent past.

“As for the child…,” she heard the judge’s voice echo in her ears to which Maria reacted fiercely. She said:

“What about the child? What about Carl?! Those people are crazy. He and his mother and his father are nuts... A while ago they didn’t care for me or my child. We weren’t of German blood, we weren’t from the celebrated ones... from the war... And why now? Why do they care about Carl now? Why do they want custody of my child now...? Why do they think he is German now...? Doesn’t my blood flow through his veins anymore...? Macedonian blood…? Where did that go…? Well? They can’t just delete me... just because they want to… Am I not their grandchild’s mother...?! Wasn’t I Hellwig’s wife? Didn’t he love me? Hadn’t he taken me to Germany because he loved me...? Now they want to erase all that. First Carl was nothing to them, now they want him. Why?”

“Dear Maria, I can’t go into the details of your intimate life and marriage. I must adhere to the stated facts. It says here that your spouse is seeking a divorce. You have been separated and living apart for more than a year and, as far as I can tell from what you said, you’re not satisfied with that marriage and that family. So logically the marriage should be dissolved,” replied the judge.

“But Sir, everything that was written in the document was concocted by his parents... And only by them...” said Maria.

“That’s not true, the divorce document was signed by him... Your husband...” replied the judge.

“They! They made him do that!” Maria yelled almost in tears.

“Yes, but he isn’t a minor...” replied the judge.

“What’s going to happen now?!” asked Maria.

“Now, you have to tell me if you agree to the divorce as per the divorce document.”

How simple all this seemed... coming out of the judge’s mouth... Maria was trembling... She expected the judge to reason with her in a similar manner about her child...

“I agree with the divorce,” she said barely audibly. It was hard for her to say the words. Words that were tedious, difficult and suffocating.

That’s the answer the judge seemed to be looking for. He even sighed with relief. He proceeded immediately. In the meantime he took out his handkerchief and carefully wiped the sweat off his forehead.

“As for the child,” he continued, “your husband said that you’re not employed. That you’re without any means of financial support... Is that true? And because of that you don’t have the means, at least for now, to support your son?”

Maria jumped out of her chair and cautiously took several steps towards the judge. She then started shouting at him. She said:

“Judge, why are you on their side? On the side of those non-human lunatics! What did they bribe you with?... Maybe with German marks...? They have a lot of German marks... They inherited them from their parents who made good money during the war... making and selling weapons... that killed innocent people... This is what their family did... It’s true that I don’t have money, that I’m not employed but I will find a job... I will earn money... And I will never give my child to them... I will kill every one of them... the entire family first... before I give up my child... He will grow up here, with us... with my people... and not with those freaks... I will

not give him to them for all the gold in the world... I will not give him up!”

“Yes, but until you find a job you will have to put your child in the care and support of his father... The child must not suffer... His father, according to the documents he submitted, earns a good wage…” said the judge with difficulty, barely managing to get the words out, and added: “I didn’t do anything wrong, I’m just applying the law...”

“What law are you applying?!” yelled Maria. “They nearly destroyed me and now they want to take my child from me. That’s all I have... You mustn’t make me give him up... Who are you to say that my child should be taken away from me?! Even for a short time... I don’t believe that you’re that heartless... That would be too cruel on your part... Please don’t help them achieve their goal... They severely abused me... They succeeded in that... Don’t help them destroy my little one, my innocent two-year-old child... Don’t leave him without a mother...”

“I don’t have the authority to make the final decision... the court in Germany does... You are, as stated here, a German citizen...” replied the judge.

“I can’t deny the reckless steps I took in leaving him... But, even in my worst nightmares I couldn’t foresee what was going to happen... And here it has happened...” said Maria and tears welled up in her eyes.

Her face began to twist in pain. The judge understood Maria’s situation and allowed her to express her pain.

The judge slowly, taking steps backwards, left the courtroom. The typist then asked Maria to sign the minutes to verify what was said during the hearing. Maria signed them mechanically and unconsciously. The typist then escorted her out through the front door.

Maria found herself on the street. Out of the court... Alone with her tragedy... With her pain.

She felt stressed out and had a painful headache. It seemed to her that the vehicles on the road were coming towards her. Any time now one of them would run her over. It would be easier for her if it did... But then, what would happen to Carl…? It would make it easier for them to take him... She walked around the streets like she was going through a layer of impenetrable fog… like she was going through an impenetrable forest...

Everyone at home was waiting for her. They all gathered around her like she’d been in some sort of big car accident... From her hunched back and her teary eyes they had a pretty good idea what had happened but no one dared to ask... Maria took Carl from her sister Lile’s hands and pressed him hard to her chest. She covered his face with tears.

God, will they take her child too?!

* * *

Days of helplessness followed. Fears from every knock on the door... From the arrival of the new mailman who delivered bad news to her. Maybe she should have threatened the judge with harm if he delivered a verdict to take away her son...

She became so anxious waiting for the verdict that she was unable to look for a job. She was overcome with stress and nervousness... She was constantly arguing with her mother and sisters... She often asked them to leave more food for Carl. So that she could have some available at all times. She acted like someone, invisible, was watching at all times constantly observing the conditions under which her child lived.

She went out less and less. She hardly allowed her sisters to take Carl out of the house. Her mother and sisters figured she was afraid that someone might take him away by force. They reckoned she was afraid that Hellwig might hire someone to kidnap him, which was understandable but highly unlikely.

After a while, Maria began to stay in her room with Carl all day long. She spent many hours closed in and only came out when she needed essentials. Both her mother and sisters tried to talk to her out of it. They scolded and advised her but nothing seemed to work. Because Carl was used to playing in the yard and going out for walks being inside made him nervous and he cried a lot.

Everyone was worried about everything so when the mailman, who everyone knew by now, knocked on their door, fear ran down their spines. They were even afraid of taking any mail, no matter who it was for.

Maria seemed to sense his presence even before he entered the yard. She would frantically run out of the room and snatch the envelope out of the mailman’s hand. This time the envelope was for her from the court. She signed the delivery note as usual and rushed back into her room. It seemed like she wanted to return before Carl had a chance to escape. She quickly opened the envelope but couldn’t believe her eyes. She didn’t want to believe what she saw written… she didn’t want to believe the verdict... She didn’t want to allow the words to touch her brain, the horrible thing that the letters, the words were telling her... She was surprised that she didn’t rip it up... into small pieces... She should have ripped it up... It seemed to her like she was surrounded by beasts from all sides and they were coming for her... and for her child. She pressed Carl against her chest, like a she wolf protecting her offspring from those stronger than her... Carl fell asleep... She felt numbness in her arms like they were paralyzed... She was becoming powerless... Instinctively she put her sleeping child in the crib... Fear began to penetrate her heart and soul. She was being covered... in darkness... In infinite darkness.

Her mother and sisters stood quietly in the hallway and said nothing. They just listened for sounds...

They heard a loud scream... It was a horrible scream... Then silence... The child too was silent...

What was in that damn letter…? Should they knock on her door and ask? Or leave her to calm down a bit?... To get over it...

Nothing was heard for an hour. Then, after almost an hour and a half and still nothing was heard, her mother quietly knocked on her door... Maria didn’t answer... She knocked again.

“Maria, why are you doing this nonsense! Please stop torturing yourself and the child too... You know he misses us. Why are you locking him up in there?! You can’t continue to go on like this... Come out, lunch is getting cold... It’s been sitting on the table for a long time. We’re all hungry... We’re waiting for you,” said her mother.

As their mother spoke the sisters began to fear that something horrible might have taken place. They couldn’t understand why Carl was silent all this time... Maybe he was too tired…” they thought, trying to convince themselves that he was okay.

Nobody ate lunch that day. Not even dinner... Sleeping that night was more like being on duty in a hospital room than sleeping...

Early the next morning, Maria’s mother quietly went to Maria’s door with her fingers crossed. Her daughter and grandson were still inside the room. Carl wept despairingly... No sound from Maria.

“Maria,” said her mother quietly. “Please daughter... How can you not feel sorry for the child?... Please don’t torture him... He hasn’t eaten anything... At least give him some water... The poor thing... I’m begging you, come out and hear me out...”

No reply from Maria. Only Carl started crying a little harder.

Her mother continued to whisper at Maria’s door trying not to wake the other daughters. But when she turned around they were both standing behind her. They looked worried. They had questions as to what to do?! A moment later it was settled. Their mother started knocking on the door loudly. She realized she could no longer be cautious. That she mustn’t wait for Maria to respond. Mostly because of the child... She sensed that it was no longer safe for him there. Maria’s sisters took a step towards their mother wondering if she was doing the right thing… Or was she going to make things

worse... But they didn’t say anything. Their mother understood and said:

“We can no longer wait...”

And started banging on the door even harder. She also began to shout... Maria still didn’t answer... It became very clear to all three that the situation was already critical...

The older sister hurriedly got dressed and left. Her mother didn’t ask her where she was going. Not that she would have answered. She didn’t say anything either.

All further attempts to get Maria to respond were in vain... Her mother began to cry loudly... It didn’t help.

Half an hour later, her sister came back with an ambulance. Now the other sister began to cry. The paramedics had to force the door open. Maria was sitting at the end of the bed, completely out of it... She wasn’t aware that the door had been opened forcefully... That the people in white coats took her and put her in the ambulance... That she had left her child behind... That they took her to hospital...

All three were now crying out loud... In their crying spree they realized how loudly and frantically Carl was crying. They stopped crying and started taking care of him, washing him, dressing him, soothing him, helped him recover. They found the paper with the verdict under Maria’s pillow on her bed. One of the sisters began to read. It said that the divorce between Hellwig and Maria had been approved and due to Maria’s poor financial situation the child, Carl, was assigned to his father… until Maria’s financial situation improved...

When she heard that, Maria’s mother started cursing... She said:

“They destroyed my girl... damn them! Everyone was aware that what had happened to Maria was terrible. For her. For Carl. For both of them... They knew they couldn’t change the situation they were in... So what choice did they have? But to leave…”

During Elena’s visits, Nade, Maria’s younger sister, told Elena what had happened to Maria during her divorce. Elena in turn informed Maria’s doctor during her frequent visits to the hospital. The information proved important in directing Maria’s therapy.

The day Nade and Elena left for the hospital, while traveling on the bus, Nade said:

“What do you think, should I show Maria the photos of Carl and the note Hellwig sent?”

“Maybe it would be better if you ask her doctor first,” replied Elena.

Even though they had no prior permission from the doctors Elena and Nade tried to enter through the front gate. The guard stopped them and flatly refused to let them in. They had no written permission.

However, they were lucky... The afternoon shift doctors were coming in and Elena saw Maria’s doctor. She asked him to let them in to see her. She explained that she and her sister had come a long way from another city. The doctor stopped, thought for a moment, and said to Nade:

“Okay... You two come inside, in the hallway... I’ll tell the orderly to bring her over.”

After he said that he asked the guard to open the gate for them.

On the bus on their way to the hospital, Elena had advised Nade that when they came face to face with Maria she shouldn’t get emotional or cry. Also, not to say anything that would upset her. They both agreed to encourage Maria to listen to the doctor as much as possible so that she could get out of hospital faster. So that she could recover faster and go home. They agreed that if Maria didn’t mention Carl they wouldn’t say anything about him.

“I’m pretty sure she will ask about Carl... She will certainly want to know who took him and how he was taken to Germany. I won’t be able to keep that from her. And, as I recall, when you were here last time she told you that she knew where Carl was. You told me the doctor told her that he was with his father,” said Nade.

“Of course you will have to tell her some things but keep your answers short... and be more reassuring,” replied Elena.

They sat in the visitor’s lounge and waited. They looked eager and impatient. The moment Elena saw Maria enter the lounge she noticed how much better she looked, healthwise, than the last time she was there. At that moment she wasn’t sure if she’d done the right thing bringing her sister with her. But after seeing the burst of joy on Maria’s face, Elena realized that bringing Nade meant a lot to her. After all this time, who knew how much Maria missed her family. Especially in recent months, after she had started to feel better.

The sisters embraced each other and held onto one another for a long time. Maria wiped her tears and then they all sat down around the table.

“Many greetings from Mom and Lile,” said Nade. “They are eagerly waiting for you to come home. We are all waiting for you to come home. Mom made a zelnik (a large pie made with green vegetables) for you. The kind you like the most,” said Nade.

Nade then reached into her bag and took the zelnik out. Maria’s eyes began to water again. Her mother always made the most delicious zelniks. Maria suggested that they all have some and eat it together. Elena and Nade thought for a moment but soon realized that Maria wanted them to eat together and they agreed. She wanted to feel at least a little like being home.

While munching on the zelnik, Elena, by looking at the expression on Maria’s face, got the impression that she wanted to ask something. But was afraid to... She wasn’t sure whether to ask or not... Maria then turned to Nade and said:

“Do you have any news about Carl…? You were at home when they came to pick him up, right…? Who took him?”

Both Elena and Nade looked confused even though they were expecting the question. Nade spoke first and said:

“Hellwig came by car to pick him up. There was another German was him. He said he was from the German embassy in Belgrade. He spoke Serbian. He said that he was authorized by the embassy to act on the German court’s verdict... Hellwig was driving the car.”

“Did Carl recognize his father…?” asked Maria.

“I think he didn’t. We were so distraught we didn’t notice... But he didn’t cry... There were a lot of toys in the car... He played with them. Also he was so young he didn’t understand what was happening... He may have recognized his father somehow... He had seen pictures of him...” replied Nade.

“Did they come without first letting you know?!” asked Maria.

“No. A letter from the embassy arrived a few days earlier. It said that on such and such date, at the request of their citizen so and so, identified by first and last name… it was Hellwig’s name... following the decision of the court from Cologne in Germany, an embassy official would come with him to take Carl. With the verdict that we found in your room, Lile went to court to ask if we had to give them the child. They told her that we did… at least temporarily. She also went to child care services, and when she showed them the verdict they shrugged their shoulders,” replied Nade.

“Has Hellwig contacted you since then?”

Elena noticed that Maria was saying his name quite casually, like a man she hardly knew. She spoke of him with indifference.

“The very next day Hellwig sent us a telegram and told us that they had arrived safely at their destination and that Carl was fine,” replied Nade in a quiet tone of voice.

“Years have passed since then... Who knows how much he has changed... Grown up,” said Maria.

Maria’s eyes began to pool with tears.

At that point Nade took an envelope out of her purse. It had three photographs in it. These were photos of Carl taken recently, which Hellwig had sent them. All three were of Carl. When Maria took them her hands began to shake. Maria looked at the pictures with eyes wide open and full of tears and with mixed feelings of joy and sorrow... Then, wetting them with tears, she kissed the child, her child, her little son... She then caressed them… She caressed Carl’s face and whispered gentle words to him...

Elena had feared this moment the most... She wasn’t sure if they had done the right thing giving Maria the pictures before checking with the doctor... But something inside told her that it was good for Maria to see her child. At least photographs of him. To see that he was alive and well and growing... She believed that seeing her son would encourage her to go on. Give her the will to live.

While Maria was looking at the photos Nade and Elena said nothing. They didn’t even move.

When Maria was done she took one of the photos and kept it. She told Nade to take care of the other ones as she handed them to her. After that Nade began to relax.

“Was there anything else with the pictures? A letter or a short note perhaps?” asked Maria.

Nade took the note from her purse and handed it to her. It was written in German.

At first Maria hesitated... Like she was afraid to take it.. Like she was gathering strength. How long had it taken Hellwig to decide to write her this letter... What had made him do this…? Had his mother... his father, or both died…?! No, she didn’t think so... Maybe they had grown a conscience...? she thought. Eventually she extended her hand and took the note. Her eyes quickly flew across

the lines. She couldn’t believe it. Hellwig told her that he would pay for her plane ticket and send her money for her to stay in Cologne… When she’d recovered. Surely he must want her to see Carl... The moment she read this she wasn’t sure if it was real or not. Maybe she was hallucinating because of her illness.

Nade and Elena kept looking at her face and the expressions she was making while reading the note... They saw a certain brightness on her face... They noticed joy in her eyes. She was free and unrestrained. She felt relief. There were no questions in Maria’s eyes. In fact Maria didn’t seem to know what to say... What to do... But this wasn’t unusual for her. Finally she said:

“It says here that he will pay for my plane ticket and will send me money for my trip and my stay. I should reply to him by letter and let him know when I can go. To see Carl... Maybe he regrets that the child is growing up alone, without a mother...”

“That’s wonderful, that’s great,” both Nade and Elena said at the same time. “Now you need to get well as soon as possible...” said Elena.

“I would do it if it all depended on me...” replied Maria.

“Of course a lot depends on you... But now that you know that you will be able to see Carl you will get well much sooner and you will call us to pick you up,” said her sister.

Maria looked at her with eyes full of hope... She then handed her sister the note.

“Keep it, it will be safer with you,” Maria said to her sister.

They all hugged before leaving. Maria felt like Elena was her sister too.

Elena noticed that this time, when Maria left, she wasn’t accompanied by an orderly. She thought it was a good sign.

Going down the hall Maria had a thought...

Did Hellwig have to send her to the hospital and spend three years there before he could write her a five line note? But, at this moment, she figured the most important thing was that she would be given a chance to see Carl... To hug him... To kiss him... Elena was right. Maria needed to be strong. To fight her illness. Chase the bad thoughts away. Not let them penetrate her mind. Not let them bother her... Maria had known about Carl for several months... that his father had taken him... The doctor had learned this from Elena. But she couldn’t do anything. She was locked up in here. Between four walls... Helpless... She couldn’t get out of here until the doctor said so.

* * *

Elena called the doctor the same evening she and Nade had visited Maria. She couldn’t stand to wait until the next day. She was restless and wanted to find out how Maria was doing... She was worried that the excitement from the visit might have caused her condition to worsen... But the moment Elena heard the doctor’s cheerful voice she knew Maria was okay. Elena’s restlessness began to evaporate...

“You are a miracle worker,” said the doctor. You’re in the wrong field... You should be a therapist.”

“Oh doctor, you have no idea how relieved I am to hear you say that... I was very worried. Even though her sister and I wanted to avoid talking about the child, Maria started asking questions,” replied Elena.

“That’s okay. You did well. You did great. That means she’s gotten over her fears on her own. She overcame her obstacles on her own... We were waiting for that to happen for a long time. For her to face the truth... Reality... And move on. She showed me the photograph... She was very happy to see that her son was growing up a nice, healthy boy. She also told me about the letter from her ex-husband... She talked about him somewhat calmly. She was glad that he’d invited her to visit her son... The only obstacle for her now, and still the most difficult one, is her in-laws. We hope that she will slowly

get over it too... I expect you and her sister will visit us again soon. Come straight to my office,” said the doctor.

The moment Elena finished talking to the doctor she hung up the phone, quickly got dressed and rushed over to Maria’s mother’s house. She wanted to make everyone happy with the latest news from the doctor.

Maria’s mother opened the door, hugged Elena and said:

“We will never be able to repay you, daughter.”

“The most important thing now… for everyone… is for Maria to come home…” replied Elena.

Maria’s mother then said: “Nade told me all about the visit and the letter... That he wants her to go there... I don’t want to hear anything about him. Even when he came here… to take the child, I didn’t go outside. I didn’t want to look at his face. He ruined my girl…My daughter Lile openly said to him ‘you must have done something terrible to my sister there, to make her feel the need to escape and come back here alone with the child. With no means of support. Then you dragged her through the courts and took her child away. You did everything to make my sister sick... You put her in the hospital!’ After that Lile said to me “After Nade spoke to him, Hellwig didn’t say a single word... He wouldn’t even look at us. He refused to meet our gaze. No matter what we said it had no effect on him… It changed nothing... But at least Nade told him that he was to blame for our sister’s tragedy...”

Elena wanted to tell them the good news from the doctor as soon as possible so she went inside, got them all together and started talking. When she was done they all looked happy.

Maria’s mother spoke first. She anxiously said, “Should she be in a hurry to get out of that stupid hospital? I know it’s not easy being in the hospital. But she could relapse. And if she’s in a hurry to go and see her child she will have to face that devil... That cursed ex-husband of hers... Who abandoned her… Who allowed his parents to

torment her... She left because she feared his parents… both of them... Cursed people. May they catch some disease... that will make them disappear forever... Why does God allow such evil people to trample the world... May the earth swallow them whole…What kind of people are they not to want their own grandchild… to hate their own grandson... and then to turn around and break my daughter’s heart by taking him away... May some terrible plague take them away...”

“Enough Mom, stop it!” interrupted Lile. “No matter what we say there is nothing we can do to help her now. And about that… It’s up to the doctor when she comes home... That’s all we know... The most important thing now is that she’s getting better day by day...”

Her mother agreed to stop cursing but did it against her will. She had so much built up in her soul that she couldn’t bear it.

Elena promised to come back again. She said she would let them know the moment she found out anything new. She said goodbye and left. All three escorted her to the front gate.

* * *

When he saw that Maria was in better health, the doctor asked her to read an article about the ideology of nationalism and German Nazism. He felt that Maria’s hatred for Hellwig’s mother and father and their Nazi leanings were the cause of her trauma and wanted to see what she thought.

After reading the article, Maria couldn’t believe that, even now, more than four decades later, after Nazi Germany waged the war, there were people who still blindly lived under its shadow. She had no idea how many families were deceived by the Nazi ideology and how many generations that followed were victims of it... She had no idea how many from the old generations had consciously destroyed the true view of the world for the new generations. How many of them had instilled sinister ideas in the new generation about which nations were worthy of living on earth and which should disappear from the earth... I.e. which nations should be destroyed by the supremacists. All others nations, outside of the supremacists,

according to Nazi ideology, were created to be slaves in the service of the supremacists. Created to be abused and humiliated by the supremacists until they all disappeared down to the last one...

Maria had a long conversation with the doctor. He was faced with many, not so easy questions. She looked to him to find answers.

“From what you told me,” said the doctor, “Hellwig was from the third generation living in the same house of his predecessors. And, as you said, his grandfather and even his uncle gave their lives for the Nazi ideal. And of course, his parents, Hellwig’s parents also carried a deep-seated hatred for those sacrifices. They were victims of an unrealized ideal.”

The doctor continued: “Like you said, your husband did make attempts to escape from his upbringing during his earliest childhood... And at one point, when he met you and fell in love with you, he believed he had... But, obviously, he’d lied... Wandering around the world for years he had the opportunity to become his own man. He was optimistic that he could. But at the slightest pressure from his parents he became a broken man.”

Maria was shown and tried to understand that not everything that had happened in her life was hers or Hellwig’s fault. She began to see the differences. This helped to ease the burden in her soul. Not everything that had happened in her life in these past few years was her fault. She was learning that she didn’t need to fix everything. Or change everything. But still... She was unsure if she could see the light... if there would be brightness in her life...

With each new day, the doctor became more and more satisfied with her progress. She started talking and their conversations were no longer monologues... She was no longer silent.

Almost a month had passed since Elena and Nade had visited her when the doctor told her that she should consider going home. He told her that there was no rush. To just to think about it. And then tell the doctor when she was ready to go. It was up to her to decide when to leave.

Maria was put to the final test. She was happy to have been given the opportunity to return to normal life. But at the same time she was also afraid... How would she cope outside the hospital…? How would she live without Carl…? Without Hellwig…? Alone... With her mother... With her sisters... It wouldn’t be easy. Would any of them help her financially?... Maybe Hellwig had plans for her... With Carl... But she had little hope, especially in Hellwig helping her...

* * *

During her stay in the hospital Maria, for a long time, assisted in the kitchen and tidied up the dining room... She also spent time in the library reading. She felt wonderful sitting in that big room with shelves and big windows. Here she found many books, including ones she’d read in elementary and high school. She often picked up a book, read it and then put it back in the same place on the shelf.

The doctors felt that Maria’s interest in books was helpful and very useful to her. Maybe the books were an escape from real life... But also a break from life’s troubles. The doctor always checked to see which book Maria was reading. After that the same book became part of their conversation. Very often, the doctor was surprised by her mature thinking.

* * *

It was getting harder for Maria to stay in the hospital. Her health had visibly improved... She wanted to tell the doctor she wanted to go home.

After a few questions and answers during the usual doctor-patient visit, she said jokingly to the doctor:

“You can go home this weekend if you want to... Call me by phone and let me know how long you will stay... you decide...”

Maria wanted to do that herself. But even though she very much wanted to go home, she was getting somewhat upset. But she

recovered and settled down. She even made a joke at her own expense. She said:

“It feels like this will somehow be a trial leave. As is often done with prisoners.”

When Maria said that she laughed out loud... But she really felt that way. Like a prisoner...

The doctor got the joke and said:

“Well, sometimes that’s how it turns out...”

He also wanted to say that prisoners were there because they were guilty of doing something themselves, unlike people like her who hadn’t done anything...

But he changed his mind and in good time. He figured that that kind of joke would touch her in her most sensitive spot.

“You don’t have to decide right away,” he added quickly.

Maria didn’t reply and remained reserved.

* * *

The same day she’d met with the doctor Maria called Elena on the phone. Her voice was trembling with excitement. Elena became anxious when she first heard her speak. But then she calmed down and rejoiced when she found out that her friend was coming home for the weekend. It wasn’t clear to Elena why just for the weekend. Anyway. She’d be coming home because healthwise she was okay.

“What time should we come to pick you up?” asked Elena anxiously, as if they were about to be disconnected. But when Elena heard Maria’s voice again she calmed down.

“On Friday at four o’clock. That’s what the doctor said,” replied Maria.

Elena sensed that Maria over emphasized the word “doctor” probably because this was being done with his permission.

“I’ll be coming with your sister, for sure. Now I will immediately go to your mother’s house to give them the good news,” said Elena with undisguised joy in her voice.

She felt that Maria wanted to say something more but restrained herself. Then after a short pause she said:

“See you then!”

After that the telephone went silent.

Elena stood there for awhile with the telephone handset in her hand before she hung up. How would Maria’s family react to the news? Elena wondered but didn’t know why she would ask herself such a question…? She reprimanded herself. However...

* * *

Elena usually telephoned them about any old thing but when she visited them, Maria’s relatives always expected new news. They noticed that Elena was happier than usual. Also more impatient than usual. As soon as she stepped out of the hallway, before sitting down, she said:

“I heard from Maria. I have the best news. The doctor is releasing her for the weekend.”

“For the weekend?!” shouted all three of them almost in unison. “Why for the weekend?” asked her mother.

“Probably to see how she feels being outside the hospital. This means that the doctor is prepared to send her home,” replied Elena.

Everyone was delighted. At the same time they were all somewhat confused. Even Elena felt that her mother was worried. At least that’s what she thought.

“Let’s go Mom, this is an occasion that calls for a treat,” said Lile, and without waiting for their mother, got up and made juice for everyone.

“I will try and find a car,” said Elena. “One of my colleagues just bought one, it will give him a chance drive it a little. We are good friends.”

“Can I come too?” asked Lile.

“Of course, what did you think, I was going alone? Just to scare her? To make her think that you don’t want her to come home?” said Elena jokingly. She then got up and got ready to leave. Before leaving she said:

“We should leave around one o’clock. It will take us two hours to get there. It’s not exactly close.”

All three escorted her outside.

* * *

On that Friday Maria stood near the window overlooking the main hospital yard entrance for almost an hour waiting for her ride to arrive. She’d forgotten to tell Elena and her sister which dress to bring her. Anyway. She only had a few dresses... She also wondered which sister would come with Elena this time.

When she saw Elena and Lile getting out of the car she got very excited. She tried hard to control herself. This is what the doctor had advised her, especially during the last few days. Maybe Elena had bought a car, she thought. But then she immediately saw a young man come out of the driver’s side... Who could he be? Elena’s boyfriend? Or Lile’s? She didn’t know because she hadn’t been home for a long time. She knew nothing about their lives. Maria felt uncomfortable. Mostly because of the unknown. But immediately thought how much easier it would be to travel by car than by bus. There was no train on this route.

She ran out and met them in the visitor’s lounge. They hugged. Lile handed Maria a small travel bag and said:

“Here are some things for you. I mean, it has everything you need to get dressed.”

“Good, you remembered,” replied Maria and took the bag. Looking a little confused she went to prepare herself.

Elena and Lile went out into the yard. Sick people were scattered all around. But well enough to be let out to roam freely around the yard. Their presence made the two women uncomfortable. Then one of the orderlies came over and said:

“Maria’s doctor wants to see you.”

Lile and Elena wanted to go to the doctor’s office immediately but couldn’t because they were waiting for Maria.

Elena said to the orderly:

“We have to wait for Maria to come out because she won’t know where we are.”