Front Matter - Part 02

The question that worried Maria the most was “why Hellwig still hadn’t taken her to see his family?” She was never mentioned in the letters he received from them. If only he could tell her that his family had said hello back to her. She insisted that Hellwig greet them in every letter he sent. She said the same thing every time he wrote to them. But every time Maria mentioned that it was high time to take her to see his family, to get to know them and they to know her, he said there was no time. Why was he afraid to show her to them? Didn’t he consider her to be beautiful enough? Or wasn’t she smart enough and he didn’t want his family to see her?! Did he write to them and tell them that they were getting married? Even after that no congratulations came from them! And right after that, after those thoughts, a cold shiver would go through Maria’s body. Another more difficult question, in Maria’s mind, was “did Hellwig have another wife at home, in his family’s house, or in their town, or anywhere? Maybe even children?”

It was also strange to her that Hellwig had no desire to go and see her family. Despite how attached he was to them when they were there. Maria also knew that Hellwig wouldn’t mind if she went to visit them by herself.

Maria thought she could visit Hellwig’s family under different circumstances, perhaps when one of his parents became seriously ill. Or maybe both of them... All this was going through Maria’s head. She couldn’t gather anything from Hellwig...

...The most difficult problem, which troubled her the most, which tore at her soul, was that he didn’t want a child. She repeatedly tried to persuade him to have at least one child. He always gave her the same answer “the conditions are not right. Can’t you see how we live…? We are constantly moving.” She even tried to persuade him

to change jobs. This was a hard job and he worked very hard. It wasn’t good to live in hotels all the time either. Without their own home. But he always reminded her that he had told her in advance what he was doing and how they were going to live. He reminded her that she had no right to ask him to give up this job.

But somewhere inside her, she knew... that wasn’t the real reason. She felt as if he didn’t belong to her at all. As if there was something “unspoken” about him. Some unknown reason for all that. As if he wanted to be able to leave her. A child would tie him down. Even more. It would bond him to her... All this constantly tormented her. Day and night. In the letters she received from home, from her family, they always asked “if there was anything new?” Where they expecting her to tell them that she was pregnant? “And... if she was, she should go and see a doctor…” wrote her mother.

* * *

She began to worry the day she suspected she was pregnant. She became frightened. She didn’t know what to do or where to go. She deliberately postponed going to the gynecologist. If she was really pregnant how could she tell Hellwig? How would he react to the news? What if he didn’t want her to have a child? What would happen between them? What would happen to their relationship?

...The gynecologist confirmed her suspicion... She was pregnant. She left the office. She cried while walking down the street. She cried with joy but also from uncertainty... What if Hellwig was determined... not to have children?... What if he left her?... If he broke up with her and dissolved their marriage?

Lunch was approaching. She had no appetite. She hadn’t eaten since the morning. Hellwig came home around five o’clock in the afternoon...

They sat opposite one another that afternoon. On the soft armchairs in the hotel apartment and talked. He told her what he’d done at work, the machines he’d assembled and tested. Maria, however, was afraid that Hellwig would tell her that they were leaving and going to another country. The letter from his factory, his notification, was

probably in his pocket she thought... So, Maria decided not to tell him.

Every day was the same and the days passed by quickly. They flew by. The day when the suitcases were being prepared for moving to another country she decided she must not delay any longer. What if he noticed? It would be even worse. He would know that she had hidden her pregnancy from him. They sat down at the table with a glass of juice in front of them. Then, suddenly and unconsciously Maria said:

“Hellwig, I’m pregnant...”

Her voice sounded like that of a guilty person. Immediately after she spoke she cramped up. Out of fear.

She looked at Hellwig. His eyes were wide open. He was motionless. At first he didn’t look at her at all. He looked beside her. He turned pale. Then he went to the bathroom. Surely he needed some time to think about it. Before he said something.

Maria was trembling all over. What would the verdict be?! According to his first reaction she felt there was no hope for anything good. She ran into the bedroom. She didn’t want to face Hellwig. Not now. Not immediately. Better to give him some time to digest the news. To adjust to the new situation.

Hellwig didn’t go to the bedroom that night. For the first time since they had been together. His actions spoke for themselves. Everything he said and did next was predictable.

Hellwig was unable to compose himself for days. He said nothing to her. He didn’t dine with her. He stayed out in the city until late at night. She didn’t know exactly why but the assumption was that his parents needed to be consulted about this issue. At home. This incomprehensible reaction of his brought back the suspicions that he had another family of his own. A wife and children. That alone must be the reason for his unusual behaviour.

When Maria was left alone she felt desperate. What frightened her the most was the thought that Hellwig might ask her to have an abortion. She knew she wouldn’t do it. Even at the cost of losing Hellwig.

The uncertainty was horrible. The silence was killing her. There was no one to turn to. But on the issue of keeping the baby she didn’t need any advice. It was decided. No one was going to change her mind. Not even Hellwig... She loved her child more than anything in the world.

She couldn’t believe how he didn’t hide his anger. Not from her. The rage. He didn’t even try. He no longer cared for her. Not even for her mental state. He came home. He left home. Silent. Absent minded. Ignoring her. There was a lot of grief in Maria’s soul. She felt cold. Lonely and alone in a foreign world. Without anyone of her own.

...It was evening. He was sitting in the living room watching TV. She approached him and said:

“I want to talk to you.”

He didn’t look at her.

“I know. You didn’t want us to have a child. Not at this point in time. But it happened. What’s next?”

She was determined to get an answer.

Again Hellwig didn’t look at her. He said nothing. He just shrugged his shoulders slightly. What did that mean?

“If you don’t love our child it means you don’t love me!” she heard herself say. With pain. With bitterness.

“No... That’s not the point...” he replied quietly.

“I’m going home...” she whispered. “It’s best for us to separate. Now.”

Maria became frightened by what she had said. What if he accepted her proposition? She would be in a real mess. She had no means of supporting herself. She wasn’t employed. There was no one to turn to here. And what would she do at home in Macedonia? Would she have to depend on her mother and sisters?! They couldn’t even support themselves.

A moment later she realized that she wasn’t being honest with herself either. She knew that the real reason for her fear of being separated wasn’t that simple... How could she live without him? When she loved him without limits?... Would she be able to survive?... Without him... with his child. With his child without a father...?

There was no more discussion that night. The silence continued. Would Maria do what she said? Would she leave? Would she go home to Macedonia? Deep down, she felt she didn’t have the strength to do it. She wouldn’t be able to take that step. Everything seemed hopeless to her. Hopeless. It seemed to her that she was going crazy. She woke up in the middle of the night shaking. Her nightmares wouldn’t let her sleep...

She decided not to write to her family and tell them about all this. She didn’t want to upset them. Even if they knew about it they couldn’t do anything to help her. She was already losing hope. The gap between her and Hellwig was widening. She had little expectation that it would close. She was already feeling like she was sinking into deep despair. Falling into the wide gap.

...Hard times were coming. Tiresome. Unbearable. The most beautiful thing that had happened to her was ruined... Just before she was about to become a mother...

...When she saw him come home with a cake and flowers in his hands and with a smile on his face, she didn’t know what to make of it. Her nerves were shattered and she couldn’t control herself. She felt horrible until he came over and handed her the bouquet of beautiful white roses. She then began to realize what was happening. It was true that he’d given her flowers. Him! Hellwig! Here in front

of her! She noticed herself holding the flowers in her hand! She noticed the cake sitting on the table and herself in his arms. Maria noticed that she didn’t object to him kissing her...

...After that everything changed. She suspected that whatever Hellwig was experiencing he had overcome. He was happy now. He was talking to her… more than ever.

Why didn’t the sudden change, without any explanation, restore the peace and happiness? Why didn’t it help overcome Maria’s fears? From what was going to happen next...?

Months passed. The pregnancy wasn’t difficult for her.

On the contrary, it filled her with much joy. Despite everything she went through. At no point did she try to understand what was happening with Hellwig. In fact she was afraid of something he was hiding from her.

* * *

She was six months pregnant when Hellwig said to her:

“Maria, we will soon be going to visit my family. My mother and father. And we will stay there for a while.”

Maria again felt that Hellwig’s decision to go home was because of the child. He wanted the child to be born at home and it had something to do with his parents. Maybe he was waiting for their consent? If he was that much attached to them. The very fact that he got married without their presence, Maria assumed, was because they didn’t approve of marrying her.

From how he acted though, going home to his parents and staying with them made him unhappy. Before that he used to say he really wanted to go home so that Maria could meet them… but the time was never right. That was earlier, before she got pregnant. Now, it seemed like they had somehow distanced themselves from her. Even though she had been the wife of their son for almost three years. On top of that not a word from them… just silence. Maria wondered

what had made them open the door to their home now. She also didn’t like the fact that Hellwig had neither asked her nor consulted with her about this whole thing.

On the other hand, she thought it might better there. For both her and the child. His mother would certainly help her. Maria had no experience with children. And who knows, they might rejoice over the child. Hellwig was an only child. He had no brothers or sisters.

Maria felt it was really unfair of her to speculate on all these things. Especially earlier. To assume that Hellwig was married... that he had children... that his parents were sick... But what was she expected to think when they kept her isolated from them for so long? Had they lived in her country (Macedonia) during these years, Hellwig would have met the youngest child of her relatives. They would have gone everywhere to visit. Hadn’t she brought him home soon after they fell in love? But, it seemed, that this wasn’t the case with Hellwig and his family.

* * *

They were walking along a riverbank. It wasn’t a big river. Beautiful trees were planted next to it. There were many plots of parkland decorated with a variety of flowers. The light from the many lanterns poured down on the fast waters. It looked like snakes flowing down. Oh, how beautiful that night was. It made Maria forget all her worries. All the bad things that had happened to her up to this day. It seemed like she was no longer worried about the uncertainties that lay ahead.

The time for departure to Hellwig’s birthplace was approaching. Maria slept less and less each night. She just couldn’t sleep. Especially after she began to prepare for a long stay. One morning before leaving for work Maria asked Hellwig:

“Hellwig, do your parents care for me?”

Hellwig didn’t immediately reply. He took his time and made some effort to formulate his answer.

“But, they don’t know you...” he said casually.

His answer didn’t encourage Maria. And why shouldn’t they care for her? That depended on how well they got along with their son. Maria and Hellwig had loved each other from the first moment they met. His parents would now have a grandchild. Their first grandchild. Because of that they should be very happy, Maria thought.

Hellwig hugged her tightly. As if wanting to reassure her that all was well.

* * *

Almost two weeks later Elena rang the doorbell on the house where Maria’s mother and sisters lived. She was determined to go inside and talk to them. To all of them.

Maria’s mother answered the door. She didn’t recognize Elena. It was normal. She had only seen her once or twice. That had been a long time ago when Elena was still in high school.

She looked at her with squinting eyes. She had wrinkles around her eyes and mouth. Much more than she should have, based on her age.

“Who might you be, girl?” she asked.

“I’m Maria’s friend, we used to go to school together...” replied Elena.

“Maria isn’t here,” she answered quickly, with a worried look on her face.

“I know that…” replied Elena. “I saw her. I was with her. I didn’t know she was in the hospital. But she seems to be better now. We had a long talk. She wants someone from her family to visit her. One of you.”

“I know, my dear. And we are very sorry that we haven’t gone to see her for a long time. We are poor… we have no money… and it’s far...”

“May I come in?” asked Elena.

“Of course, please do,” said the old lady involuntarily and got out of the way to let Elena in.

Elena sat on the chair by the door. The two sisters were also there.

“What was your name?” asked Elena looking at her middle sister.

“Lile.”

“What do you do Lile, or are you still in school?”

“I work as a typist for a firm,” Lile replied taking her time. “I’m also a secretary and maintain the archives.”

“That’s a fantastic job, it must be interesting,” said Elena with a genuine tone of voice and believing so.

After a short silence, Elena told them why she was there.

“One of these days soon I want to go and visit Maria again,” Elena said addressing Nade, Maria’s youngest sister... “If you want you can come with me and we will visit your sister together. I will buy two tickets for the trip. I will also bring some things for her. It would be nice for you to see her. So she doesn’t think that you have given up on her. That you don’t want her. That you don’t want her to get better. That you don’t want her to come home.”

Elena said all these things on purpose. So that they all heard them. Something like a reprimand. The youngest sister turned and first looked at her mother and then at her older sister, as if she was asking for their approval. She wanted to see their reaction before she spoke.

“My dear girl, how could we not want her and love her,” said Maria’s mother suddenly. “I didn’t find her on the street. She’s my

child too. All the fingers on my hand hurt the same (I love them all equally). Nade will go with you. How could she not go with you? My girls went to see her several times. They will go again. But... there isn’t much use... she still is not...”

“Okay then Nade, one of these days I will come and pick you up. I will tell you exactly which day we will go,” interrupted Elena.

Nade was overjoyed. It seemed she, the youngest sister, regretted not seeing Maria the most. So it seemed to Elena. She hoped that on the way Nade might tell her something more about Maria.

* * *

One of the things Maria completely avoided thinking about during her stay at the hospital was her experience leading to her and Hellwig’s arrival at his parents’ home. She kept those memories locked up deep down and avoided accessing them. This is how she defended herself. But at the same time, something, some invisible enemy from within, was forcing Maria to look at them. To think about everything that had happened at that time. Even the smallest details. Maybe she had a need to look back. To make sure that she wasn’t to blame for everything that had happened. She needed to get it all out of herself. It weighed too much on her. Suppressed somewhere down there. In the subconscious. Not shared with anyone. Not discovered by anyone.

* * *

... At the thought of meeting his family Maria’s heart began to sink as they left for Hellwig’s hometown... She would meet them for the first time after all these years.

...A taxi brought them to a tall iron gate. It was painted black. They stopped in front of a two storey building. The blinds on all the windows were closed. Like no one lived there. A dog was heard barking inside. She wanted to leave... run away. She was terrified of what kind of eyes would greet her? What would they say to her? It seemed to her that Hellwig was avoiding her gaze. Was there something he hadn’t told her?

Hellwig paid the taxi driver. His hand was trembling. He rang the doorbell. The black gate began to open. Two middle-aged people came out and shook hands with Hellwig one after the other. They were his mother and father. They were blond and skinny. They had a restrained smile on their pale faces.

The moment they turned towards her, it seemed to her like they were wearing masks. She saw two cruel, petrified faces. Unfriendly looks in both pairs of eyes. She shook hands with his mother first. Her hand was cold. She then shook hands with his father. At that very moment, it seemed to Maria as if they had declared war on her. It was like shaking hands with an enemy.

Hellwig seemed completely absent. He was in shock.

His mother was the first to react. She led them down the long half-lit hallway. Then to the guest room.

Maria began her new life with these people. With strangers. Living under the same roof. In their house. Without much promise.

After a few weeks of living with them Maria became aware that he, her husband, her Hellwig, tied to her for all those years of living together, her partner in a lasting relationship, lasting a long time, had only lasted until she became pregnant. It also became clear to her that Hellwig’s parents expected Hellwig’s connection to her to end. His relationship to a foreigner should just have been for fun. It should have ended one day. They expected their son to come home alone. Without her. It even seemed that they were hoping they would never meet her.

It now it seemed like everyone had been deceived. They felt like she had fooled them all. Like she’d forced herself into their house… With each passing day Maria realized that they didn’t want her… They didn’t care for her. More than that, they hated her. They couldn’t even hold a smile on their faces. The smiles also disappeared...

Everything spoken in the house was painful pedantry. On the second day after their arrival a maid came to clean the house. It quickly became clear to Maria that someone else’s hands kept the house clean and tidy. The rooms, upstairs, where she stayed with Hellwig were very clean. Everything was spotless, especially the bathroom. Maria was afraid to step into it, let alone take a bath. It seemed like no living person had ever entered it. Instead of a double bed in their bedroom there were two couches… one for Hellwig and one for Maria. They had prepared it this way even though they knew in advance that Hellwig was coming home with a wife.

After arriving, Maria, Hellwig and his parents had breakfast, lunch and supper together. But that only lasted a few days. The maid set up and cleared the table. Maria wanted to help but was afraid. She was also afraid of leaving a bad impression about how she ate. About the way she ate. About what and how much she ate from the food placed on the table. All this was a burden to her. Dining was a real torture for her.

Maria was very happy when Hellwig told her that starting the next day they would be dining upstairs without his parents. But at the same time she felt offended as if they’d been expelled or something. She was sure this was done because of her but she didn’t complain or say anything to Hellwig. She didn’t want to create new problems. At the same time it was easier for her this way. She would no longer have to endure the daily ceremony that took place during meals like being there at an exact time, sitting down to eat at an exact time. Everyone sitting in their own place on their designated chair. Waiting for the right time to start eating. Watching the maid wearing a white apron and white cap serving the food. Watching her serve the food in a special order. Maria had a hard time swallowing under these numbing conditions in a cold atmosphere. No one said a kind word or smiled during meal time.

Maria always felt sad when she remembered the noise and chatter she made with her sisters when she ate at home. She felt sad remembering her annoyed mother telling the sisters not to laugh and talk loudly while eating their food.

During every moment spent in the house with these people Maria felt like she was being watched. Every move she made was closely monitored. She constantly felt the gaze of Hellwig’s mother. Even when it was done covertly. It was like being watched to make sure nothing was broken. Nothing was damaged in the house. Nothing was changed from the established order of things.

Maria often felt like there was no air to breathe in the rooms. She felt joy just thinking about opening those thick fat drapes. But even the thought of opening them scared her. When Maria took an object in her hand to look at it, and there were dozens of such beautiful objects everywhere in the rooms, Hellwig’s mother immediately appeared next to her. No matter where she was in the house. She acted like she was a museum keeper.

Maria felt terrible being treated this way. This was very unusual for her. She felt like she was a prisoner. She often wondered how long she would last in this iron cage. This was probably normal for Hellwig. He was born and raised this way. He couldn’t understand why Maria was unhappy. Sometimes Maria wanted to fully open up and explain to him how she truly felt and how much things bothered her but instead she made great efforts to please him and his father and mother. Soon she became aware that she wasn’t succeeding at all. On the contrary. She was getting further and further away from them with each passing day.

She rarely saw Hellwig’s father. He was too busy doing things outside and only came home for meals and a rest after lunch. But even during those brief encounters, Maria felt the cold looks in his colourless eyes linger over her for a long time. Looks full of indignation and arrogance. And there was something else there… half-hidden. Something that made Maria feel like leaving the house forever. No matter how much she avoided his gaze she was unable to escape it. She couldn’t avoid it. She hoped to see something new; something pleasant… some change in him. That she, with all her modesty, even some humility, was able to win him over. But that cold contemptuous business like look in his eyes was only becoming sharper and irreversible with each encounter. She was aware that the cordiality and immediacy with which she won over other people would never work on him. On the contrary. At times his stares

became unbearable. It added to the heavy tension and thick air in the house. She felt like she was drowning. Something that endangered her life.

In the evenings, when she was less and less alone with Hellwig, she refrained more and more from talking to him about her problems. She couldn’t open up to him. She didn’t dare start that kind of conversation. Mostly because Hellwig himself had become isolated all these months. He no longer looked like or acted like the young man she’d met and fallen in love with. She felt as if he was moving further and further away from her. One evening, while he was looking at a professional magazine, she decided to talk to him. She assumed that he was looking at the magazine while thinking about something completely different.

“Hellwig,” she blurted out quietly. Her voice trembling uncontrollably. She sounded like a helpless, unprotected wild animal that sensed great danger...

“Heli, (Hellwig) is something bothering you? Why aren’t you telling me? You don’t tell me anything anymore...”

Hellwig shook his head nervously... From the expression on his face Maria understood that he wasn’t going to talk to her... That there was something to tell but he didn’t want to discuss it with her. Or was unable to tell her. One by one, many bad thoughts like that came to her mind. Heavy, mind-numbing thoughts. She was unable to put them aside. They disturbed her very much. Had his mother and father said something to him about her? Against her? Had they tried to convince him to leave her?! She knew they didn’t like her! But then she realized these were only assumptions: why was she tormented by her own assumptions? She knew nothing was for certain. What if all this was just the fruit of her own fears?

“Heli,” said Maria again not wanting to give up. She wasn’t content with him being silent, which indicated to her that there was something and it was bad. “It appears to me... that your parents don’t like me...” she blurted out.

Hellwig didn’t want to look at her. He felt that his eyes, his looks, would tell her things that he didn’t want her to know. That he was hopeless. Or that he had fallen down. What else could he say to her with those eyes? Hellwig hid his answer in the dim light of the night lamp.

She grabbed both his hands with her hands. She was about to start crying when she again blurted, “Hellwig, what’s wrong…?”

Was he crying? Maybe he didn’t love her anymore. Maybe he would have left her if she wasn’t pregnant. Maybe he would have looked at her with different eyes under different circumstances. Now. In his house. With his parents... Unfortunately he didn’t have the strength to tell her any of that.

They had been here for several weeks now. In his home... But he never introduced her to any of his relatives. He never introduced her to any of his friends. The freedom they’d had together earlier was gone. All that was nice between Hellwig and her was gone...

A few days later, she tried talking to him again. She said:

“Hellwig, Heli, talk to me... Tell me something… anything... I’m afraid...” begging him.

“Everything will be fine,” he said quietly, which to her sounded like the opposite.

The next day, and all the days after that she completely lost all desire to eat. But still she was given food regularly. It seemed to her like someone had made her a charity case. And it wasn’t from the heart. It was like forcing generosity to show generosity. And, of course, this was done only because she was pregnant. That perhaps was the only reason why his parents still kept her there… in their home. Maria began to think of leaving their house. There was no reason why her pregnancy would stop her from leaving. She was afraid that if she continued to stay there it would harm her pregnancy, even the child after it was born. They might not love the child like she expected... But then she immediately rejected those thoughts.

Many times she secretly hoped that Hellwig would be asked by his employer to travel to another country for a job. Like he was before. Or even to another city. That would save them from this misery. If they were again alone, the two of them, their love could be rekindled. But did he still love her? Hellwig never introduced her to any of the employees in the factory where he worked, especially those who gave him his assignments and sent him abroad to work. If he had then she could beg them to send him somewhere away from here. Or why didn’t Hellwig ask for an assignment abroad? He could suggest that. Then Hellwig would immediately find out how much she couldn’t stand his parents. That she couldn’t live with them. She didn’t even know if Hellwig himself, on his own, had decided to come and live with them here. Or had they asked him? Or had his parents demanded it of him. They must be afraid that if he left with her and went away, she would win him over. And then he would never return home.

One other day, during his afternoon rest, Maria again spoke to Hellwig about this. She said:

“Heli, remember how nice it was for us when we traveled...?”

Hellwig looked at her. The expression on his face told Maria that he understood what she was trying to tell him. The message contained in that sentence of hers. And her sigh that followed... Again no answer. She was becoming more and more desperate and helpless.

* * *

Maria didn’t know what was going with Hellwig. What he thought and what he felt deep in his soul. What had changed in him after they arrived in Germany was a secret to her. In fact, it seemed to her that he had started becoming cool with her right after he received the last letter from his parents. This letter was the answer to the letter he’d sent them before he arrived in Germany with Maria. How had his parents responded to his letter? How did they feel about his wife? Were they happy? Disappointed…? He never said a single word to her...

They must have thought for a long time before responding to that letter. Whatever they wrote to him about her meant that they took the matter seriously. Or perhaps they said nothing. Hellwig knew very well what saying nothing and being silent meant.

Were they surprised? Shocked? Did they believe that their son, their only son, had taken a woman from afar, from a foreign land? They couldn’t have expected worse news than that. It must have seemed to them that all their efforts to raise their son as a true heir were in vain. It must have never occurred to them that after traveling all over Europe, right there, in Macedonia he would become attached to a Macedonian girl. Hellwig should have known that his parents would never allow her to enter their house. Even less as a member of their family. Like a daughter-in-law…! But still there must have been more written in that letter. He must have said something more. Had he told them that he’d fallen in love with her? How could he?! No. The fact that he told them he took a woman with him didn’t mean anything… Not yet. He was young. It was fun. It would pass. Surely he had had many girls like that before. Even if it was for fun he really shouldn’t have dragged her here from “there”.

In the letters that followed neither Hellwig nor his parents mentioned the “woman”.

Then, suddenly, a few months later another letter arrived which terrified Hellwig’s parents. Especially the last sentence which said:

“My Maria greets you.” They couldn’t believe it. It sounded so disrespectful. From their own son. She would surely get in his way. Who knew what kind of floozy she was. To so easily leave her own home and run off with a strange foreigner... To go around the world with him... Not finding it strange to be their daughter-in-law and wanting to move in with them. Hellwig must be very naïve. It was unbelievable. But what to do now? They had to stop him. They couldn’t accept the fact that their daughter-in-law was from “there” (Macedonia) and was going to live in their house. Mix his blood with hers. Give birth to a grandchild. They had to take action and

fast. So they decided to invite him to come home. Alone. That’s what they wrote to him in a letter.

Now their son was silent. He refused to answer the questions his parents asked him. His silence terrified them even more. They sensed that he wasn’t going to give up on her so easily. It would probably take a long time to convince him. So they decided to express their opinion on the issue, not with direct words out in the open but through more letters.

In one of those letters they wrote: “So, as you know many girls from our city, from close and distant friends, would be happy if you wanted to marry them. Our family is not just an ordinary family. The wealth you have, the life you can offer your wife, isn’t small. We’re sure that you, our son, will think carefully about what kind of girl you will connect with further in your life.

We are also convinced that you think very little of us.”

What they wrote in the letter, however, turned out to be a monologue. He wouldn’t answer them. But still they didn’t give up. In each subsequent letter that they wrote they reminded him of their extended family, of their roots, of his origin. Hellwig began to answer their letters responding to everything except the items that referred to the girl. About that he said nothing.

Two years had passed since they had begun to correspond. Maybe more than two years. Until that fatal day, until that fatal letter he wrote to them in which he briefly said:

“Maria and I got married last week. Now you have a daughter-in-law. When you meet her you will see what a wonderful person she is. You don’t have to care for her and that’s that. The choice of a life partner must be made by the person himself. I will come home with her when you tell me you are ready to receive us.”

This was the worst news his parents could expect. They heard from their son what they least expected. Which, as long as they lived, they wouldn’t be able to get over. For which they would never forgive him. Not even after their death. He had stabbed them with a knife.

An irreversible act. Their own son had stabbed them. Their only son. What had life meant to him for the last twenty-five years? What next? Should they give him up? Forbid him to come home? Who would be left for them? Who else did they have? After all the blows they had received they now had to endure this blow too?

It was terrible for them that they didn’t congratulate him. They would have been very happy if things were different. But not this way. And not with this woman.

They would have liked to go back years. When everything was different. When they lived in abundance... Maybe some people thought: look how they got rich, from someone else’s misfortune, by destroying other people’s lives! But they didn’t invent the war... His grandparents strongly believed, as they often explained to Hellwig, that a pure nation must be above all. That this was sacred. Everything would have been fine if the war hadn’t ended the way it did... At least if the accidents hadn’t happened... Now this, that’s all they needed...

Could their son, whom they believed loved them very much, to the point of bloodshed, hurt them? Humiliate them. Trample on their ideals…? You have no idea how much they hoped that he would be just like them... How much effort they had put into him...

* * *

With each letter he received from his parents Hellwig felt like a battle was brewing between him and his parents over Maria. This was why he took the next step and married her, the first chance he got. Not for a moment did he ever consider leaving her, abandoning her or separating from her. Maybe he wasn’t sure about how much he loved her. But he couldn’t see himself as the man who would betray her. He wouldn’t leave her alone in this world, after she’d left her family and home for him. She had much confidence in him and she had left all on her own. She trusted him a lot... All the reasons why his parents didn’t care for her wouldn’t be crucial enough to force him to abandon her. To stop him from living with her.

He was well aware of their belief that only a German woman would be worthy to join their family, to “mix blood with them”, and that this was something they would take to their graves. But Hellwig didn’t see it this way, as they did. By defying them he felt that he had managed to overcome this “belief” within himself. He understood the kind of shock they would experience when he sent them the letter in which he told them that he was living with a woman from another country... From another nationality... The meaning of their silence in the letters that followed was quite clear to him. All these years they had been trying to imprint on his brain the image that he was a member of the most powerful, most capable nation. But this wasn’t his “belief”. This wasn’t how he felt even though he himself was especially proud of being German.

Hellwig knew that his two uncles and grandfather were heroes from the stories his parents had told him. The stories that “they gave their lives for the homeland” were repeated countless times. From an early age Hellwig was taught to show contempt for all other nations except his own. His mother and father spoke insolently in his presence about other nations. They spoke with a decisive tone of voice. From the expression on their faces, it seemed to Hellwig that there was a sense of superiority there.

Listening to all this every day, hearing the words his parents spoke numbed Hellwig but he never objected. Even when he was older he never stood up to his parents. Why hadn’t he? Was it because he was an only child? Had the fact that he was their only descendant made him compliant, tolerant? As if agreeing to be their victim? To give them hope that he would follow in their footsteps? That he would be, if not the same, similar to them? That he wouldn’t disappoint them...? To what extent was he subconsciously influenced by his parents and how much of it became part of his subconscious, he himself didn’t know.

His meeting with Maria, his closeness to her, to her family, to all the people there, showed him that what he had learned from his parents wasn’t justified. He was grateful, at least, that they hadn’t made him act like them. He didn’t feel that these other people here were any different than him. If he hadn’t been this way would he have been able to attach himself to Maria and her family? Would he have been

able to love her? All this contributed to his decision to take her as his life companion.

More and more he realized that his biggest mistake was coming back to his parents. But how could he not come back? How long was he going to run away? From home? How could he forever be away from his only family? From those who gave him life…? How could he rob them of his happiest moments? When his first child was born? When their first grandchild was born… where but if not in his father’s house? In the house where he was born. It seemed that it would be dishonourable to have his first child born in a hotel. That would be humiliating for him. Especially before Maria.

But he didn’t expect so much resistance from his parents. He hoped that when they got to know Maria better they would change their minds about her. If not for anything else, for the sake of carrying their grandchild... But none of that happened.

The day his parents told him that they didn’t want to sit at the same table with her he realized the hopelessness of the situation. He was afraid to tell Maria the truth. Of course, Maria was immediately aware that they didn’t care for her. He then tried to soften the blow by telling her that Germans were somehow different. That relations between parents and children here were much more restrained. That people here weren’t as close as those where Maria came from. That might have been the case but Maria didn’t believe him. It was clear to her that they didn’t want her in their home.

Hellwig knew how desperate she was. But at the same time he was aware that he couldn’t handle the entire situation. On the one hand, he wanted to help her. So that she wouldn’t suffer so much. He wanted to persuade her to be patient. To hope that his parents would gradually accept her. To hope that everything would change when the child was born. But even he wasn’t convinced of that.

He wanted to forget that his own mother, from a distance, suggested that Maria abort the pregnancy “if they wanted”. That it was now possible to do it during all months of the pregnancy. Hellwig wasn’t only surprised but couldn’t believe that his own mother would suggest something like this. He didn’t know why he hadn’t just

packed up and left with Maria the moment his mother suggested that. Why he hadn’t left his father’s house forever?

His parents had also mentioned... that there were many families that would like to adopt a child. Because they didn’t have children of their own. And that suggestion too was made from a distance. As an opportunity for young couples who didn’t want to be tied down with children during the first years of their marriage.

When he heard comments like this, Hellwig became very depressed. He was disappointed. Mostly in his mother. He felt that she cared for Maria less and less. He couldn’t believe that both of his parents had rejected Maria to this extent. That they weren’t even trying to get to know her. He felt like they treated her like she wasn’t human, never mind being equal to them. All this filled Hellwig’s soul with misery. He felt that they wouldn’t be able to love his child either. Their own grandchild. This scared him a lot. It was inhumane…It wasn’t possible. He didn’t know which way to turn... Everything was mixed up in his head. He was so glad Maria didn’t know all these things! Occurring now. And those that had occurred in the past. Otherwise, he believed, she wouldn’t have stayed in this house with these people, even a single day.

Hellwig felt guilty for not openly talking to Maria. He tried to keep her out of his fights with his parents. When he returned from work he often went to the lower floor to see his parents. His mother would greet him with one of his favourite specialties. She was cunning and wanted to please him. To convince him to stay with her longer. And to come more often. Sometimes he was tempted to ask her to make one of his favourite dishes. To take upstairs to Maria. But he never did. He didn’t want to see her frown, curse, or make one of those faces. Expressions that were very familiar to him. Expressions that repelled people. Which showed how much she, his own mother, was intolerant of others.

Time passed quickly. The day when Maria was going to give birth was drawing near. How would the experience be? How would the baby be accepted? Loved or not wanted by its grandparents...

It was now too late to go back...