ENGAGEMENT AND WEDDING CUSTOMS

ENGAGEMENT AND WEDDING CUSTOMS

The wedding customs described here are very elaborate by today’s standards but were practiced in Macedonia, particularly in the Lerin region. The customs, some of unknown origin, are old and were passed down from generation to generation.

Engagement

As practiced in many cultures, it often happened that a boy and girl fell in love but never married. Unfortunately, when it came to marriage parents had the last say. Sometimes what the parents wanted was completely opposite from what the young desired. Many Macedonian folk songs reflect this, as shown in the sample below:

“…They loved each other since childhood, But their parents in their way stood…” “... father forbids his son to marry that young lady...” “...mother forbids her daughter to marry that young man...”

In the past, before a child was eligible for marriage it was the parents’ duty to choose a partner for them. After much thought and consideration a choice was always made in the best interest of the child, even if it went against the child’s wishes. On the surface it seemed cruel but wisdom prevailed over feelings. A young family needed land and wealth to guarantee its survival. A partner from a respectable family was usually sought, wealth being an important factor. On important holy days like Christmas, Easter or St. Nikolas, as the young gathered together and danced in the Village Square, it was customary for the older generation to watch for signals and body language, which helped in future matchmaking. By the time a young man was of marrying age, his parents already had a few girls in mind. To have someone in mind was easy but to actually convince them to marry was a task worthy only of a stroinik (matchmaker). The matchmaker was usually a friend of the family who was able to keep matters of importance in confidence. Their task was to inquire, in a roundabout way, about the family’s willingness to having their daughter marry. If the inquiry produced positive results a date was set for the matchmaker to meet with the girl’s parents. Upon entering the courtyard of the girl’s house, the matchmaker performed the customary ritual of picking up a bunch of dry branches, placing them in the family’s fireplace and poking at them until they started burning. The intention of the visit was thus revealed. After an exchange of greetings and small talk the matchmaker got down to the business of explaining the offer, on behalf of the boy’s parents, while the girl’s parents listened intensely. After some discussion, the offer was either accepted or rejected. Acceptance led to the next step of setting a date for the parents of both parties to meet. It was customary for the meeting to take place at the girl’s house. Discussions were kept confidential, especially from the boy and girl.

At the meeting, the matchmaker made the appropriate introductions and defined the purpose of the visit. The guests were cordially welcomed with the customary handshake and informal conversation before discussing business. The girl wasn’t allowed to take part in the initial discussions but later, if all went well, she would get a chance to meet her future in-laws. For the moment she waited in another room. On occasions such as this, prospective brides usually invited their girlfriends to keep them company. The business of marriage could be nerve wracking for the girl, especially when discussions about one’s future were conducted in secret. No one could predict the length of the meeting. It could take a long time or end at any moment. She had to be ready to do her part to impress the future in-laws. Sooner or later discussions ended and the young bride to be was called to join the group. She was expected to approach each guest in a shy manner, kiss their right hand and welcome them to her home. She was also expected to provide a gift for her fiancé, symbolizing her acceptance of him. The gift was usually a pair of socks adorned with dried basil stems and gold pieces. Then the boy’s parents would present her with the traditional head kerchief. She might also be given money and other gifts. At the conclusion of the meeting a rifle was fired to signal a successful engagement. The boy’s parents, along with the matchmaker, returned home to present their son with his engagement gift and celebrate their success. By the next day the entire village was buzzing with the news. Depending on the date of the wedding, an engagement might last for many months or even years. During this time, the future in-laws stayed in close contact and exchanged gifts with each other on special occasions and holidays.

Preparing for the wedding

A few weeks before the wedding the prospective groom’s parents and some of their close relatives paid a visit to the future bride’s family to negotiate the marriage. According to tradition, the groom’s family was expected to barter with the bride’s family to purchase the bride. This wasn’t an outright purchase but rather to show that there was a genuine desire to acquire the young woman as a member of the family. It’s unknown how or when this tradition was started (perhaps at some point in time when there was a shortage of women) but the tradition was abandoned in the 1930’s when, by modern standards, families could no longer afford to wed their sons. The bartering process was usually very serious and stressful especially when it involved large sums of money equivalent to a month’s or even a year’s worth of the family’s entire income. When the bartering process was over the families moved on to negotiating the gifts. The girl’s parents demanded that they receive shoes for their sons, fancy belts for their daughters, shirts for themselves, and more. When everyone was satisfied, the serious atmosphere soon turned to jubilance. The last thing to do was set the wedding date, which was always on a Sunday. Several days later, the sisters and mother of the prospective groom met with the future bride to take her measurements and outfit her with wedding garments which included a leather belt, adorned with silver buckles, and shoes.

Wedding Events - the groom

A week before the wedding day, close relatives of the boy’s family brought a load of firewood to the boy’s home to signal the start of the wedding ceremonies. In exchange for firewood the guests were treated to dinner. Tuesday prior to the wedding the boy’s mother and sisters, with the assistance of friends, baked batches of poupalina (round buns) for the invitations. Wednesday, three or four boys from the neighbourhood were invited to dinner and sent to deliver the invitations. Each boy was given a sack of poupalina to deliver to a specific neighbourhood. The boys went house to house offering the residents a bun as they verbally invited them to the wedding. It was common practice in those days to invite everyone in the village.

Thursday, the groom’s family sent the same boys from house to house again. This time the invitation was extended by giving everyone a sip of wine from a boukle (a wooden vessel). If the wine ran out the boys returned for a refill. In the meantime, women at the groom’s house baked two special pogatchi (round loaves of bread about 18 inches in diameter), one for the bride and one for the koum (godfather). According to tradition, three women each took a sieve and sifted the flour. Upon completion, the siftings were put together and a boy, with living parents, was invited to add salt and water, then stir the mixture with a soukalo (short stick used as a rolling pin). After the ceremony was performed the women finished the baking. Several pogatchi were made depending on the requirements of the wedding. One was prepared for the groom’s party to take to invite the koum. Saturday before the wedding, the boy’s parents took a pagourche with rakia (a nickel bottle filled with whiskey) and went house to house personally inviting their own relatives and closest friends. On the same day, the cooks for the wedding were hired and an ox or ram was slaughtered. While the animal was being skinned, young girls danced and sang to honour the life taken. Saturday night a boy, with living parents, performed the first oro (dance). He led the oro with a pogatcha on his head as others joined the line. The merriment would last all night, if allowed, but the wedding day would be long so the party disbanded at midnight. On Sunday the wedding began with guests arriving early in the morning, bringing with them an assortment of wedding gifts. Some brought a coil oil lamp, others an earthen jug for water, yet others a wine pitcher. As was traditional, all vessels were filled with something to symbolize the full and fruitful life of the newlyweds. Wine was common but not too practical for newlyweds. Jugs were often filled with wheat, rice, beans, candy, and other useful foods. While guests arrived outside, the groom was being shaven inside. According to tradition, the best man ceremoniously shaved the groom while being serenaded by dancing newlywed brides and brides to be. After his shave, the groom got up and in gratitude kissed the best man’s hand and asked him to assemble a party to fetch the koum. The washwater from the groom’s face was saved for a later ceremony. The koum was king for the day and his word was law, so escorting him was an honour to be done with grace. A special wedding party, including the best man, ushers, and a bagpiper, were dispatched to the koum’s house to formally escort him to the wedding. They marched to the koum’s house as the bagpiper played. They greeted him with the special pogacha, wine and roasted chicken prepared earlier. The koum would graciously accept the invitation by welcoming them to his home. The bagpiper played as the koum gathered his family and joined the escort back to the groom’s house. When they arrived, the groom came out to greet them. He kissed the hands of the koum, and kouma (koum’s wife) and welcomed them to his wedding. After the ceremonial greetings were over, they were off to the bride’s house. Led by the bagpiper, the koum followed with the fourouglitsa (the matrimonial banner, a red fabric with a variety of colours and designs). A red apple adorned with bosiliok (basil) was impaled on top of the pole to hold the banner. The koum walked beside the kouma who carried the bride’s pogacha on her head. Next came the groom riding a beautifully adorned horse. The saddle was covered with a red blanket made just for this occasion. Next to the groom’s horse was the bride’s horse. The groom’s youngest brother led the horses. If the groom had no younger brother, another boy was given the task. The ushers followed behind and last but not least were the men and women carrying pogachi on their heads, loaves of bread in sacks, roast lamb on poles, and other foods for the wedding.

Wedding Events - the bride

A week before the wedding, the prospective bride and her friends got together to prepare gifts for the groom’s family and close relatives. The gifts, usually handmade by the bride and her family included knitted socks, stockings, embroidered head kerchiefs, and shirts. The bride’s mother and sisters baked pogachi, a special one to exchange with the groom and others to serve at the wedding. All through the

week the young bride wore old dresses and avoided washing her face so that she would clean herself up and look beautiful on her wedding day. This was her betrothal week. On Sunday, the day of the wedding, guests gathered outside the bride’s house patiently waiting for the groom to arrive. An egg, tied to a pole by a string, hung above the closed doors. When the groom arrived there was a commotion and the guests demanded entry. Those inside refused until someone outside shot the hanging egg off the pole. Guests bearing arms were more than happy to oblige. When the egg was knocked off, the doors were opened and the best man, ushers, and groom entered, followed by the koum. When everyone was inside a singing duel began between the female members of the bride’s party on one side and the female members of the groom’s on the other. In jest, the bride’s party sang to the groom’s party, “You are few and you are weak…” The groom’s party retaliated by singing, “We are many and we are strong, for we have crossed high mountains and rough terrain to arrive…” After the singing duels were over, all attention was turned to the negotiations for the bride. The bride’s people refused to let her go and demanded a fair monetary tribute in exchange. When the ushers offered a tribute, the bride’s people refused it by yelling, “It is not enough.” After the third try, the guestroom doors opened for all but the groom and ushers. Everyone was seated around a number of well-prepared sofri (round tables about a foot high). The koum was seated first and beside him sat the groom’s father, the priest and the closest relatives of the groom. The koum was served first and to honour him the cooks brought him the customary head of a roasted lamb in a tava (roasting pan). In those days this was considered a delicacy. The women were served their dinner in a separate room. The groom and ushers remained in the courtyard, barred entry by the bride’s brother who insisted on getting his share of gifts. To coax the groom into bearing some gifts, his brother-in-law untied his belt a few times, picked him up, shook him around and jokingly slapped his face. The groom finally gave in and handed over some gifts, which were usually a pair of shoes and some money. Outside the bride’s room meanwhile, the Kouma, mother-in-law, and sisters-in-law lined up waiting for her to let them in. Inside the room the bride and her girlfriends sang songs about her marriage. After gaining entry to the house, the ushers rushed in and lined up in front of the bride’s door, requesting permission to enter. Initially the bride refused them so they offered her money but she still refused. Eventually one of the ushers quickly opened the door and tossed a pair of shoes inside. The bride kicked them around the room three times then put them on. The Kouma was then called in to place a veil of red cloth and a wreath on the bride’s head. The wreath was made of winding grapevine stems adorned with mainly basil and a variety of flowers. Following the Kouma, the mother-in-law entered and adorned the bride’s forehead with a string of gold and silver coins. She also gave her a necklace, silver chain, earrings, and other ornaments. Some of the gifts were from the sisters-in-law and other relatives of the groom’s family. While this went on, the bride’s girlfriends continuously serenaded her with the melodies of many wedding songs. The bride, well adorned, was now ready to appear before the guests who had just begun to eat. The groom and the ushers were escorted to a separate room where they were served their meals. The groom was presented with a specially prepared bloud (tray) of maznik (thin sheets of pastry). With three fingers he ceremoniously broke four pieces and placed them on a dish in front of him. As dining neared completion, the groom’s father-in-law or brother-in-law approached the groom and tied a knotted towel over his right shoulder. Wrapped in the knot was the bride’s wedding ring. The groom kissed the presenter’s hand and followed him to where the koum was sitting.

After the ushers finished their meal they were escorted out of the room. The bride, accompanied by her girlfriends, was then escorted into the same room and the bride was asked to sit where the groom had sat earlier. She ate the pieces of maznik left by the groom before eating anything else. When finished dining, the bride was escorted to the room where the groom and koum were waiting. Bride and groom together bowed to the koum three times and kissed his hand. The koum lowered the bride’s veil, covering her face. He then took a glass of wine, dipped a piece of bread into it, and blessed the couple by sprinkling a few drops over their heads. After being blessed, the bride kissed the koum’s hand. Then she kissed the hand of her father-in-law and proceeded to each guest. Each guest’s handshake was usually accompanied by a hidden personal gift of

money, which the bride deposited into a box carried by one of her bridesmaids. In the meantime the groom made his rounds, shaking and kissing the hands of the bride’s relatives. After being greeted by the bride, guests were escorted to the courtyard to witness her farewell performance to her family. The ceremony began when the bagpiper started playing. The bride’s father sat on a chair and in his lap he held a pogacha, some salt, and a glass of wine. Facing his daughter, he first crossed himself (Christian Orthodox ritual) then kissed the bread and poured a little wine and salt on the ground while saying goodbye. She begged him for forgiveness as she kissed the bread and his right hand and then placed a gift (shirt) over his right shoulder. Next, the bride kissed her mother, brothers, sisters, and relatives begging them for forgiveness as she presented each with a gift, placed over their right shoulder. The gifts were usually shirts, socks, stockings, head kerchiefs, towels, etc. Farewells were a sad affair and could be a difficult part of the wedding especially if there was weeping and tears. The bride’s girlfriends who echoed the bagpiper’s sad melody with their sad lyrics accentuated the whole affair. Here is a sample of one of the songs: “The cherry tree is uprooting; daughter from mother and father is separating; from mother and father, from brother and sister and begs her mother to water her flowers in the garden. Also begs her girlfriends to water her flowers in the garden...” While the bride said her goodbyes, the ushers were hard at work gathering her dowry. The bride’s brother grabbed the most valuable possession, usually the trunk, and refused to give it up until he was paid. The best man made him an offer to buy it back but he refused until the price was right. The dowry was loaded on a horse; the trunk on one side and a sack filled with the bride’s clothing on the other. If the sack was lighter than the trunk it was balanced with firewood. Two boys with living parents were selected, one to lead and the other to ride the horse. When everyone and everything was ready to go the best man helped the bride get on her horse. The bride crossed herself and led the procession to the church. Along the way she bowed to everyone who came to see her. Before reaching their destination, the procession stopped at a fountain to drink water. The ushers helped the bride get off her horse as the groom jokingly offered her, palm down, a fistful of water. Maidens and newlywed girls serenaded her as she took a sip of water from the fountain. The procession resumed to the next destination, the church courtyard. Her father-in-law helped her off the horse after which she bowed to him and kissed his hand. The ushers helped the groom off his horse. The procession entered the church with the groom and bride leading, followed by the koum and kouma, father-in-law and mother-in-law, and the rest of the procession. A priest, in accordance with the rites of the church, performed the wedding ceremony. It was customary, according to Macedonian tradition to offer the newlyweds bread and wine prepared by the groom’s family. The ritual where bride and groom circled a table three times was performed. After the third circle, the kouma threw wheat and candy over the couple’s heads for good luck, as she wished them a prosperous life. The priest placed wreaths (symbolic crowns) on the couple’s heads to symbolize their union. He exchanged the symbolic crowns, bride to groom and groom to bride three times as he chanted blessings. Guests approached and kissed the wreaths, wishing the couple a happy and fruitful marriage. The koum performed the greetings first, followed by the kouma, fathers-in-law, mothers-in-law, relatives, and the rest of the guests. In return, the newlyweds kissed the hands of their guests and thanked them for the occasion. While this went on, the priest stood beside the newlyweds, holding the Holy Bible in his hand to allow the faithful to say a prayer and kiss the Good Book.

A collection tray was placed on one of the tables for donations and for the family to pay the priest for performing the ceremony. After the church ceremony, the bride and groom mounted their horses and led their guests to their new home, which could be a brand new house or the houses of either family. Traditionally, the bride and groom lived with the groom’s family until the young couple could afford a house of their own. In the courtyard, upon her arrival, the groom’s father tossed coins and candy over the bride’s head. Children happily dashed, competing with each other to collect them. Helped by her father-in-law, the bride dismounted her horse and walked toward the house. According to custom, she picked up some logs of firewood from the woodpile and carried them inside, placing them on the hearth. The groom joined her and they sat together for a while near the fireplace. The bride may have asked a young child aged 2 or 3 to sit on her lap. As the bride kissed the child she gave him a gift, silently wishing for children of her

own. The completion of this ceremony signaled the closing of events. Before everyone left the bride’s parents and close relatives were given some wine. During the evening, the koum and the groom’s relatives began to arrive bringing with them pogachi, tepsii so mandja (stew broiled in a round pan), wine and other foods and beverages. Before the feast began, the newlyweds stood before the koum and kouma, bowed three times, kissed their hands and placed gifts over their shoulders. Then they did the same with all their close relatives and the bride, in return, received money. After the festivities were over the guests began to depart. Last to leave were the koum and kouma, escorted outside by the bride and groom who bowed to them three times and kissed their hands before they departed. On Monday, the day after the wedding, the groom invited relatives from both sides of the family for dinner. Guests were offered sweet whiskey served by the groom and bride to honour the bride’s virginity. After eating dinner all the guests, the groom’s brothers (partstenjee) and sisters (koprinarki), wearing clothing given to them as gifts by the bride, congregated at the Village Square. The women lay blankets on the ground and placed an assortment of food and drinks on them, including appetizers, wine, and whiskey. Two young boys offered the spectators a drink from a large cauldron of wine, which they carried around on a pole. The koum led the first oro (dance) holding a banner in his left hand and a pogacha on his head, as guests lined up to join him. There could be more than one wedding in the Village Square so bands and spectators joined together to make a spectacle or competed to outdo one another. As evening approached and festivities wound down, the koum led the oro through the streets of the village towards the groom’s house. Upon entering the courtyard the bride was given an earthen jug containing the wash water from groom’s shave before the wedding. As the bride walked through the house she slowly poured the water on the ground and as she entered her room she found the groom hiding behind the door. The groom gently struck her three times on the back, yanked the jug from her hand and threw it on the roof. Outside, the ushers waited for the jug to roll off the roof so that they could catch it. The koum secured the banner above the porch or on a windowsill where it would remain for the rest of the week. When it was taken down, the bride and groom would eat the apple impaled on it. After the guests left, the koum, the groom’s closest relatives, the best man and the ushers continued to party. The koum joked with the newlyweds by asking the groom to stand on a pumpkin with one leg and on a peroustia (a three-legged object made of metal) with the other to see how long he could balance, especially after a few drinks. The koum also ordered the bride to bow in front of him and the guests, to fetch water for him, etc. This was all in jest but it tested the humility of the newlyweds. On Tuesday evening, the groom once again invited the guests from the previous night to supper. The jests and teasing intensified as the koum and kouma, as well as the groom’s parents, fell prey to the pranks. But before the festivities were over they would all dance one last oro with the wedding pogatcha. The pogatcha was then broken into small pieces and some was given to each guest as they left. Early on Wednesday morning her sisters-in-law took the bride to the water fountain or spring to fetch water for use in the house. According to tradition the bride carried a stomne (earthen jug) for water in her hand, some millet in her pocket or up her sleeves, and a coin in her mouth. She hurled some millet into the water as she circled around the spring then bowed in four directions, threw the coin into the water and then filled the jug. On her way home she poured a bit of water on the road and kissed the hand of everyone she met along the way. If the person was elderly she also bowed to them.

On the Sunday following the wedding, the bride’s parents invited the couple and the in-laws for dinner, traditionally known as na parveche. The koum, best men, and other relatives did the same at their own convenience.

Poem by Edward Spero Thompson