Front Matter - Part 03

Maria couldn’t imagine that giving birth was going to be something so unhappy. For the others around her. No matter how much she didn’t want to feel this way, she herself felt more sad than happy. Hellwig felt very anxious from the moment he brought Maria and the baby home from the hospital, waiting for his parents to come and see their grandson. He had little hope that the arrival of their grandson was going to bring any feeling out of them. For his son or for Maria, being the mother of their heir.

There was no trace of interest from the ground floor for days. A young woman was hired to look after Maria and the child. Hellwig looked confused. He was untidy. Maria wasn’t sure if he could adjust to the new situation. He seemed to be afraid of things. Perhaps for his son.

The young lady helping them left their place in the evenings. No one, except Hellwig, came up to Maria’s room. At his usual bedtime. He would give her a kiss and go to sleep in the other room.

“This was better,” he tried to explain. Both she and the child would be calmer without him there. It seemed to her that this was his escape from the responsibility of looking after the child. Was she expected to take care of the child alone? She didn’t say anything to him. She didn’t even cry in front of him.

Maria decided that Hellwig should pick the child’s name. She figured this might bring the father closer to the son. Or even his parents to their grandson.

For many days the grandparents didn’t come up. This was a huge surprise for Maria. She then wondered how she was going to inform her own family about the birth. Hellwig told her that the same day their son was born he had sent them a telegram to let them know of the birth and that the child was a boy. But they heard nothing back. Not even a word. Maria knew they had no money. But she thought that, for such an occasion, they should have borrowed some and sent a reply. Unfortunately she received no telegram from her family and

no congratulations on the birth of her son. She felt she needed to hear from them because of these people downstairs. The grandparents who didn’t care. Who showed no interest, not even a sign that a new person, a new family member, had arrived in their house.

At the end of the second week Maria received a letter from her family. But for her it wasn’t the same as receiving a telegram. It would have been more pleasant for her if she’d received a telegram. Because of those downstairs. But still she was very happy.

That afternoon she noticed that Hellwig was particularly upset. He was walking from one end of the apartment to the other. He kept putting his hands in and out of his pockets. Maria wanted to ask him why he was so anxious but was interrupted by a sound. Someone knocked at the door. Hellwig jumped immediately and quickly opened it. His mother and father came in. They were carrying flowers and packages in their hands.

It would have been wonderful, even though late, if she hadn’t noticed those stiff smiles on their faces. It was as if someone had forcibly stretched their lips and eyes into the shape that a person gets when they smile. Even now, even at this moment, there was nothing sincere and warm in their expression. Maria was lying down. She tried to get up. Hellwig took the presents and flowers from their hands. They shook her hand with their cold hands. They glanced at their grandson from a distance. They then moved away from the crib and sat on the two-seater by the window.

Hellwig put a couple of beer glasses on the table in front of them and filled them with beer. He then opened a box of chocolates. His father shook his hand at him as if to say - no need. Hellwig also took out some salty and sweet cookies.

Hellwig picked up his glass with whiskey and went over to toast. They raised their glasses and sipped some beer. They also took a chocolate. Soon after, they got up, nodded and left. Hellwig escorted them out. He seemed satisfied. How little consideration he needed... How little attention he craved… Poor Hellwig. It became clear to Maria why he had been so happy when he was at her home with her

family, even though they were very poor. How prepared he was to give them everything he had… at any time. To bring them gifts… He knew how much they loved him with all their heart and soul. Not just because he gave them gifts. But because he was a good person.

Maria couldn’t fall asleep well into the night. She wondered: had Hellwig forced his parents to make an appearance? Maybe they’d decided on their own. However, their visit didn’t bring her any joy. Didn’t calm her down. Didn’t make her hope for anything good.

She refused to cry out of stubbornness... She didn’t cry at all that night. But the next day, when she tried to write a letter to her mother and sisters she had to start all over again. As soon as she wrote the first lines the paper was covered in tears. Then she would tear it up and start all over. She didn’t want them to see the tears and know what was happening to her. How bitter were the days she spent in this dark unhappy house. Instead of being the happiest now that she was with her child, husband and in-laws, she was more miserable than ever. She didn’t want them to know. Why write to them and tell them she was miserable? Why bother them with her problems? They were far away and there was nothing they could do to help her. After she moved into the house of Hellwig’s parents, she couldn’t send them much. She helped them less and less. Fortunately, one of her sisters had gotten a job. That somehow helped them survive.

* * *

Maria’s mother sensed that Maria wasn’t doing well. Maybe it was a mother’s instinct. Something was pressing on her soul. In her last letter to Maria she asked: “How are the in-laws? Have they gotten used to you? Have you gotten used to them...?”

Maria had no idea how to respond. How could she explain to her mother something she herself didn’t understand? What was their reason for not caring for her? She was no less educated than them. She could get a job and make money. If it was necessary. She had also learned the language quite well. Their language. She was nice to them and treated them with respect. Very politely. Right from the beginning... And right from the beginning they pushed her away. They didn’t allow her to get close to them. One couldn’t force

themselves on anyone. One couldn’t get close to anyone by force... Sometimes she went to talk to Hellwig’s mother when she knew she was downstairs alone. To ask her if she needed any help… help with something. Or, to give her a chance to show her some things in the house. To direct her to something... But her mother-in-law made it impossible. Her barriers were clearly put in place from the day Maria entered her world. She even made sure that Maria was banned from her dinner table. She was forced to live separately. On the second floor. Maria had no idea how events were going to turn and how much isolation she would have to endure. How much she would be ignored. And that she would be erased as a family member.

Now, after her child was born, Maria felt that the isolation was even rougher, more drastic. The isolation was also meant for her son. For their grandchild. The son of their son. What could be worse than that? What next? It seemed like there was something more to this. Something even worse... but she couldn’t put her finger on it.

After Hellwig came home from work he spent more and more time downstairs. With his mother and father. His time with them became longer and longer. He stayed there until the late hours. Sometimes Maria would hear them raising their voices. They were fighting. Then he would tiptoe upstairs quietly. She tried listening more carefully to find out what the quarrels were about. Were they quarreling about her? About them? About their marriage? When she heard some words spoken against her, it became clear to her that they were already openly pressuring him. Forcing him to leave her. To kick her out. She didn’t know if they wanted to kick her out alone. Or with her son.

Listening to their increasingly frequent quarrels, she heard Hellwig’s voice less and less. She realized that he was becoming increasingly powerless in the struggle with his parents. He was helpless. More and more Maria realized how stupid it was for them to have come here! To live with these crazy old people. No matter where else they lived it would have been better than here. Anywhere, except here would have been better. Not here in this dark place...

In the letter Maria received from home, her sister wrote in detail how her mother had made pituli (fried fritters) for their neighbours and relatives to celebrate the birth of her grandson. Everyone sent their congratulations. The arrival of the first child was a great joy for the entire family back home. God, how different it was with them. They also wrote that they were very happy that the child was a boy... If I were at home, Maria thought to herself, they wouldn’t leave my child alone. Maria read and translated the entire letter for Hellwig. It seemed like every word she said hit him hard... Every word irritated him.

...How cordial they’d been to him when he first came to their house. They didn’t mind that he was a foreigner... a German. Even though, only a few decades ago, the Germans had forcibly occupied their country. A few decades was both a lot and a little time. Some from the older generation who survived the painful years of war were still alive... But in spite of everything her family accepted him. They even loved him. Even though they didn’t understand a word he said.

If her father, and especially her grandfather, were alive they might have objected to having him in their house. The moment her grandfather heard someone speak German on the radio he would angrily turn it off. And then he would swear. Who knows what kind of fears the older people had to live through and how much they had suffered. Even her parents had lived through that, even though they were still children. On top of that they lived through the horrors of the bombings. The panic and running to hide in secure places. There was also the imprisonment and torture their loved ones had to endure in the prisons.

One time, after watching a film about the fascist German and Bulgarian occupation, her mother told her a terrible story from her childhood... from the war. She told her what had happened one night... A terrible night...

...Sometime after midnight they were awakened by gunshots. Soon after that a huge fire erupted. The flames rose like a pillar ten metres high. A house on the third street next to theirs was burning. Her mother and father ran to the living room and her mother opened the

curtain slightly and peered, with one eye, outside into the dark. She looked at the burning house and heard shouts coming from that direction. The voices and screams were horrifying. The people were yelling in Macedonian. Harsh words cursing the foreign soldiers. The voices were part of a larger chorus of shooting. Then suddenly a song broke out inside the house, from the flames.

The next day her mother found out that several resistance organizers working against the occupiers were having a meeting in that house. They were surrounded by the occupiers. A woman had betrayed them. She was the mistress of one of those organizers. She wanted to dissuade him from cooperating with the resistance movement. When the soldiers surrounded the house they called on those inside to surrender. But they didn’t. So the soldiers then set the house on fire. And to prevent them from coming out alive, the soldiers shot at them as they went for the windows. But even though they were burning in agony, they began to sing songs about freedom. Her mother was told they were burning like torches standing near the windows...

How could one forget this…? The horror and fear it created in those who had witnessed it. In what part of their brain was this horror hidden? How could one survive after seeing such horror and keep on living a normal life…?

Many times Maria thought about the horrific stories her mother had told her about the war. She even learned things about the war in school during history lessons. One time her teacher told the class that: “Even now, many years after the war, traces of the devastation can’t easily be buried. Those who lost loved ones, in prisons, in camps, in the mountains, during the fighting, lived unhappy lives. But one of the most inexplicable and wonderful qualities people have is their ability to suppress the arduous, terrible, unbearable and painful. They have the ability to forget even the most difficult part of their lives. And to again be able to plow and sow the fields. The gardens. Rebuild demolished houses. Repair destroyed roads. Open factories. And move forward. Not go back, not even look back. Especially if what was left behind was unfortunate and tragic.”

Maria often wondered how could these people, the Germans, who followed the path of fascism, carry something so beastly in themselves. But at the same time, who knew how many, especially young people, were forced into that terrible war. The cost, their lives...

And now she’d come here to live in Germany... She’d followed the man whom she loved. Rarely, only sometimes, did she ever think of the people around her. The people who lived in this city. Due to the complexity of her circumstances, she didn’t know anyone. She couldn’t talk to anyone because she never left the house. Somewhere, deep inside her, she often wondered if she’d taken a reckless step coming to this strange world. Why had she chosen a man from so far away to spend her life with?

At the same time Maria was well aware that most criminals who had waged war against other nations were long gone. On top of that her history teacher had often told her class that “not all Germans, and other nations, though not a small number, went on to commit crimes based on Nazi ideals.” What a wonderful person her teacher was... With all her thoughts and words, she wanted to minimize the evil on earth.

From the first day she met Hellwig, Maria didn’t mind speaking German. Even after she’d seen many movies that showed the horrors of the Second World War. Before that, every time she heard that language the hair on the back of her neck stood up. She shivered.

There was something about Hellwig’s character and gentleness that won her over. He didn’t want to associate himself with the evils inflicted by the Nazis on other nations during the war years. By the way he treated her people, her friends, her relatives, Hellwig contributed to the friendship of people and steered them away from thinking of those shameful times.

After Maria met Hellwig some of her friends asked her why she wanted to be with a German. They often wondered if she was really going to spend her life with him! Even some of her older relatives asked her that. Some of the older adults, who had experienced great tragedies in the war, tried to dissuade her from that relationship. But

there it was, it happened... She had fallen in love with him. One never knew where the path of life would take them.

At the time she made her decision she never thought she would ever return to the question “how had she fallen in love with Hellwig?” That foreigner about whom she knew nothing except what she learned about him with each new encounter. During the months when they were together she didn’t want to think about it. She didn’t want to think about what his family was like, who his parents were? What did they do in life? What his grandparents were like, especially during the war? Which side were they on? During their love affair, even in deciding to go with him, all this meant nothing to her. And as a result she never asked him about his family or his past. She only asked if he had any siblings. Well, after all, she loved him. If she married him, she would only marry him and not his parents. He was well-established and earned a good wage. They wouldn’t have to depend on anyone.

* * *

Elena was again officially sent to the city hospital where Maria was being treated. It made her happy because now she could visit Maria one more time before she visited with her sister Nade as per their arrangement. Elena stopped in front of the hospital entrance wondering if her visit would make things worse. Elena didn’t know what Maria’s current condition was so before visiting her she decided to consult with her doctor to determine if she could.

The guard at the gate paged Maria’s doctor who then personally came out to meet her. He recognized her from before.

“I will bring Maria to my office,” he said to Elena and took her inside with him.

“How is she doing?” asked Elena impatiently.

“Overall her condition is more stable. She is improving. I see her nearly every day... We have long talks... Now I am more optimistic about her recovery than I was when you came here the last time.

Elena couldn’t hide her joy. Soon after she and the doctor arrived at his office Maria was escorted inside by a nurse. The moment Elena saw her she felt awkward and uncomfortable but she wasn’t going to let those feelings bother her. She immediately told Maria that she had gone to see her relatives a couple of times and that her sister Nade had agreed to come with her. They would be visiting her together sometime later. She also explained to Maria that her current visit was unplanned and part of an official visit to this hospital and that she’d had to come here in a hurry. She had no time to tell her mother and sisters she was coming.

Maria listened to her friend intently. She found it unusual that someone outside of the hospital staff could talk to her about everyday matters. Elena spoke to her like Maria wasn’t sick... as if she wasn’t in the hospital. Maria felt the need for Elena to continue to talk without interruption... she’d already forgotten how it felt to have an ordinary conversation...

“Thank you for coming... you didn’t forget me... I didn’t expect you to come back...”

Elena looked at Maria. She had a whole new appearance. She was dressed in clean clothes, washed and her hair was nicely combed. It seemed like her health had greatly improved.

“Why would you think that I wasn’t going to come?! It may take me a while but I will also get you home for sure.”

Maria smiled with a sad smile.

“How is my family? My mother...?”

“They are okay. They will be very happy when I tell them that we saw each other... and that you feel much better.”

“Say hello to them from me.”

“Do you need me to bring you anything when I come back with Nade?”

“I don’t know, I can’t think of anything at the moment.”

Elena got up ready to leave. She apologized to Maria for leaving so abruptly but she had to tend to her official work. She hugged her and walked out leaving Maria with the doctor.

“She will come back with your sister soon,” the doctor assured her to facilitate their separation.

* * *

Even though it was very difficult for Maria to face the fateful events that followed, while living in the home of Hellwig’s parents, she deliberately and consciously wanted to dig deeper into them in order to dissect them to the smallest detail.

Faced with the new situation and the growing impatience of his parents, Maria sensed the danger of their negative influence on Hellwig and his relationship with Maria. She realized that the net his parents had cast over him was getting tighter. He stayed with them more and more. And for longer periods of time. It was as if he was merging with them.

Their maid Elsa kept on coming day after day. Feeling completely lonely, Maria began to get close to her. She gave her expensive gifts and talked to her like an equal, not like a maid. That frightened Elsa. She sensed that Maria wanted to get closer to her for some nefarious reason. And that was the truth. Maria was trying to use Elsa to find out things about these people that she didn’t know. People who increasingly rejected her. Life was becoming unbearable for her. She kept feeling that one of these days something terrible would happen to her, to her health. Or that she would have to leave this house… with or without Hellwig. She began to think that, in one of those rare moments when she ran into her mother-in-law, the old woman would inflict some great harm on her. Maria couldn’t get that feeling out of her mind.

The opportunities to talk to the maid were few. Her mother-in-law rarely left Elsa in the house alone with Maria. The old woman seemed to sense Maria’s intention. And even though she trusted her

longtime maid, she didn’t trust her completely. One day after Maria heard the front door close and she was sure her mother-in-law had left the house, Maria spoke to Elsa and asked her:

“Elsa, when did you start working for this lady?”

After seeing Elsa’s reaction and the expression on her face, Maria realized that she had touched on a sensitive issue.

Elsa kept quiet for a while and then spoke up. She said:

“Before the war my father worked for Hellwig’s grandfather. In a factory. For most of her life my mother also worked as a maid in this house. Call it tradition but all my brothers too worked for these people. And now here I am.”

Maria could barely hide her excitement. Elsa knew a lot about this family. Maria’s eagerness to understand things was peaking. But, of course, she had to be very careful about what she asked. She was afraid of losing Elsa’s trust. Maria said:

“My understanding from what Hellwig has told me, my in-laws were very rich before the war and even during the war.”

The statement Maria made was unimportant but it was something she needed to say to get Elsa talking.

Elsa said:

“Hellwig’s grandfather, on his father’s side, owned a large factory before the war. During the war his factory began to produce parts for tanks, aircraft and all kinds of weapons. His grandfather became one of the richest people in this town. Before the end of the war part of his factory was destroyed in the bombings. His grandfather was killed. Both his grandfather and his grandfather’s younger unmarried brother died in the factory. Hellwig’s mother never worked. Now Hellwig’s father is co-owner of the same factory where Hellwig works.”

Maria went rigid all over. How could Hellwig have hidden this from her? He’d never told her what his parents did for a living. He’d never told her what his grandparents did. But, at the same time, she had never asked him. Maybe that’s why he hadn’t taken her home for the longest time. So she wouldn’t find out.

Hellwig himself may have run away from home. Because of them. They, his grandparents, were criminals. Murderers. Who knows how many people were killed with the weapons they manufactured in that factory... Maria was feeling terrible, to a point of physical pain squeezing at her chest and brain... She began to question herself as to where she really was? With what kind of people had she become involved? Inhuman.

“It’s terrible,” Maria whispered. “A great misfortune had fallen upon them.”

Unable to understand what was happening to Maria, Elsa moved away from her. She carefully wiped the dust off the furniture. But, as if feeling the need to continue telling her story, she said:

“And the lady’s brother died... What did you say your country’s name was?”

Maria said, “Macedonia, Macedonia,” repeating the name twice. But Elsa didn’t seem to understand so Maria said, “Yugoslavia.”

“Exactly there…” replied Elsa without naming the country. “In your country. He was a young man but a great officer. I heard my father telling the story... What were they called... they... who fought against our army...?”

“Partisans...” muttered Maria.

“Yes them!” cried Elsa. “They caught him and killed him...”

Maria didn’t know how to react in front of Elsa about what she had found out from her. She took a tray and handed it to her to wipe. But after Elsa wiped it she continued talking. She said:

“When Hellwig brought you here my father said that the lady wouldn’t like that at all. The gentleman wouldn’t like it either. They didn’t even want to hear the name of your country. They also hated the people from your country. Everyone in my house was surprised when they found out that Hellwig had married you. And the only reason the lady and gentleman are alive today is because of their medication. The doctor used to come and see them almost every day. They were so overwhelmed they couldn’t leave the house. Before that they hoped Hellwig would leave you... The scariest thing for them was when he told them that he was going to bring you home. One time they thought of writing to tell him not to come with you, to stop him from bringing you here. But they changed their minds...”

At this point Maria realized that the hatred Hellwig’s parents had for her had deep roots. Up to now she had naively thought that all this had to do with her inability to adjust to their lifestyle. Now it became very clear to her that she was their enemy. From an enemy country.

Indeed, the worst belongs to the past, Maria thought. But it seems that many things, especially the most horrible ones, are not forgotten.

Suddenly something inside Maria snapped. Why did they hate her? Now, after so many years, decades after the war?! Why was she an enemy? They were the enemy. They came to her country to kill. Hellwig’s mother’s brother the “great officer” was one of those who led the assassins in Maria’s country. He was one of the most notorious officers, only his appearance was human. Everything else was beastly. He killed little babies like her innocent son Carl, who fell victim to his sadism.

And because of this stupidity she had been suffering for months poisoning her soul. Now Maria wanted to confront them… to speak to both of them. To tell them that she realized what kind of people she had came to live her life with. To throw insulting words at them. She felt the need to take revenge for their humiliating treatment of her. For the rejection from the first moment she crossed their threshold. For the fact that they treated her like someone who was

there temporarily and they were waiting for her to leave at any moment. To leave the house. After having such thoughts Maria began to feel like she was changing, turning into an evil being. This was a new condition which she discovered existed within herself...

All that day Maria found herself struggling with the restlessness inside her which was getting stronger. As if she wasn’t the same person. She feared that her feelings for Hellwig might change. She tried directing her thoughts at Hellwig telling herself that he wasn’t responsible for all this. He was born fifteen years after the war had ended and he couldn’t be blamed for how horribly the older people behaved. At the same time he loved her and she was the mother of his child, which meant that he wasn’t obsessed with everything that was in those dark minds. If he was, wouldn’t he have revealed himself by now? And now her hidden thought, her most hidden thought which pierced her brain like an electric current, running right through her heart was, “why didn’t Hellwig want her to get pregnant for such a long time?” Maybe she didn’t think about it... whenever it happened it happened... Maybe it wasn’t going to happen at all... But immediately, as you toss the burning object that you hold in your hand so that it won’t burn you, she continued to dismiss this heavy thought. She continued to bury it deep down from where it came.

Every day Hellwig came upstairs late in the evenings thinking Maria was asleep. She felt very anxious while waiting for him to climb the stairs from the lower to the upper floor. She knew that his parents were taking him away from her more and more every day. Before her arrival here she couldn’t even have imagined that Hellwig would behave so submissively. He seemed so independent of them. Maria increasingly realized that soon she would be left on her own and would have three people who didn’t want her. She believed that Hellwig would be able to endure the endless struggle, less and less. And... it wouldn’t be long before he lost the desire to fight... Maybe Hellwig belonged there, with them? But if that were true... why fight?

Pretending to be asleep Maria continued to cry in silence. Her only consolation was her little son breathing calmly beside her. But at the same time, he was her biggest concern. She became more and more

aware that she wouldn’t last long in this house. But on the other hand, she felt it would be terrible if she left. For her, for her child, for her family and maybe even for Hellwig?

* * *

If she left Hellwig she would have to go back to Macedonia. To her family. With a baby... If she stayed in this country she didn’t believe she could survive alone. Especially with a small child. And what would she do here all alone without her family? If she left she would condemn her son Carl to grow up without a father. And what would she do if she went back home? Would she be able to find work? Even more so now... with a foreign citizenship... If she left she would make Hellwig’s parents very happy… in whom only the evil kept them alive.

The scariest thing was that she would lose Hellwig. What would happen to him? Would he still want her if she told him she planned to go back to Macedonia? Should she even tell him? She needed to tell him but only if her plan was definite and she had decided to take that step. Or would it be better to leave and make a clean break...? She fell asleep that night contemplating these bitter questions.

* * *

She continued to live an unhappy life. Maria couldn’t complain to anyone about Hellwig being neglectful. To her and to their child. Carl was ten months old and Hellwig had yet to take him for a ride in the beautiful stroller he’d bought for him. Almost every day Hellwig brought the most beautiful clothes, toys and baby food for Carl and various ready made meals for her. But nothing could fill the gap that had been created between the two of them.

One evening just after Maria fed Carl and put him to sleep, she heard very loud voices arguing downstairs. She heard Hellwig yelling bitterly. Maria immediately knew that they were arguing about her again. She quietly crept to the end of the hallway to hear better. From what she heard and understood they frequently used the words “she” and “they”.

“There can be no greater shame and humiliation in this house,” yelled Hellwig’s father panting with anger. “You knew very well, even before you brought her here, how terrible it would be for your mother and me. Your mother has suffered a lot all these years. You want to remind her of that every day?! I will not allow it any more...”

Hellwig was quiet for a long time. She then heard his strangled voice say:

“Should we throw her out on the street?... Together with the child? That’s my child too... It looks like you’ve forgotten that!”

He added the last words with revolt in his voice but it also sounded like he was ready to cry. As if he realized that everything was hopeless.

“She has her own family... her own country. Let her go back there, to her relatives,” said his father.

Hellwig was silent for a while. Maybe he was thinking about the bad living conditions he had witnessed in her home. Lacking material things. Or maybe he was thinking about how he was going to break the news to his wife and son… about throwing them out of the house.

Suddenly Maria was overwhelmed by a terrible feeling… full of pride and dignity. Even before she was aware of it she was running down the stairs. Towards them. Towards those dishonest people who were arguing about her fate and the fate of her child, as if they were objects that should be thrown out of their house at any cost.

...It was immediately clear to them that she had heard and understood the entire argument they were having. In fact they had purposely spoken loudly and deliberately so that she could hear them. They at least looked surprised and seemed to feel awkward when she ran down the stairs to confront them. She said:

“Thank you Hellwig for trying keep me here but I see that you’re very weak. I didn’t think you were that weak. But you’re powerless

here in this house. You’ve been your own person everywhere except for here. And you can’t escape from them. There is no need to feel guilty... That guilt falls on me for trusting you, a man I met by chance. With whom I went to share my life. To start a family. You should have had the courage from the beginning to tell me about your mother and father having suffered bitter, tragic and painful events associated with my country...”

While speaking to Hellwig Maria looked at his parents and saw two pairs of eyes full of hatred staring back at her. They looked like the eyes of wolves ready to tear her apart. But she expected that and greeted them with defiance. The next moment she met Hellwig’s eyes. She gave him the same treatment. The blood in her veins felt like it was frozen cold. It seemed like the entire place was frozen cold. From that moment on even Hellwig looked at her with unfriendly eyes. The rage she felt boiled her blood. She said:

“There is no longer any need to pressure your son to kick me out. You have your son back… he is all yours...”

Maria yelled at them in German and added:

“Don’t worry about me and my son. I will no longer stay in your house even if you ask me to. I don’t want my son to have an unhappy childhood.”

After her defiant outburst Maria turned around and went upstairs. She heard nothing from them, not a word. She slammed the door after she went into her room. She didn’t want to hear anything more. For her, those three were already in her bad past.

...Did she have the right to condemn Carl to live without a father? She wanted to believe that they could have arranged their lives better... if they hadn’t come to this unfortunate house. She struggled with the idea of talking to Hellwig one more time. She wondered if she should make one more attempt to speak with him.

...She figured there would only be hope for them living together if they both left this dark house. Regardless of where they went. But when she remembered how Hellwig had looked at her, the

expression on his face a little while ago, her heart stopped beating... She immediately felt weak, like someone had cut her legs with a knife. The question that now raged in her mind was, “What will happen next? What needs to happen next?”

Would she ever be able to accept the fact that even Hellwig had given up on her? She felt severe pain pressing on her chest... Worse than that; he was giving up on his own child, his own son…!

She blamed him. Why hadn’t Hellwig, when he persuaded her to be with him and spend their lives together, warned her that his parents might not approve? He should have asked and got their permission before he made his decision to ask her to go with him. Most of all, he should have known that he wouldn’t have the courage to oppose them. He should have known that, even in his most intimate matters of life their decision would be crucial. But what Maria regretted and cried most of all about was their poor child whom she loved very much...

The idea of her innocent son having to suffer so much, through no fault of his own, filled Maria with hopelessness and bitterness and made her cry a lot...

She was awake all that night. Hellwig didn’t go upstairs until the next morning. His avoidance of her in the evening and at night was his greatest betrayal. And so was his terrible, terrible silence. And for him it was a good thing that he hadn’t gone upstairs that night... That way he wouldn’t be aware of her immense suffering. He didn’t want to know about it... He felt that it was too late to do anything. That everything had already been said. Everything was over and done with.

The next day after Hellwig went to work Elsa the maid helped Maria pack her things. She only packed things that were personally hers and the child’s. She counted the money she had saved. There wasn’t much there. There wasn’t much in her bankbook either. There was hardly enough for her and her child to survive several months back home. But she would have to think about that later. After she returned home...

Maria and Hellwig spoke to each other in the afternoon. It was a dry conversation that had to take place. Without looking at him Maria said:

“If you want to, get a couple of plane tickets for me and Carl for tomorrow’s flight.” She gave the appearance that she wasn’t interested in looking at Hellwig or the expression on his face. She then took her passport out of her purse and put it on the table. After that she went into her room to be with her child.

Hellwig later left a note for her on the same table. The note said that her son’s name had to be added to the passport. But in order to do that Carl had to be baptized. That’s all he said, not a word more. Not the slightest attempt to change Maria’s mind or anything. Even though he knew her decision to leave had been impulsive. He also knew it was inevitable. And pressing.

Everything was arranged. The tickets were purchased. She and the child were dressed for travel and ready to go. The next day a taxi arrived and was waiting for them in front of the house. Nobody held them back. Not even Hellwig... Only Elsa wiped her tears with the end of her apron when they left the house.

Hellwig was mute. A deaf mute. Maria wasn’t sure if it was okay for him to get into the taxi. So that he could accompany them to the airport. His presence in the taxi made it even harder for her.

After they arrived at the airport Hellwig handed her an envelope with money. Maria didn’t want to take it so he put it in her travel bag pocket. Then at the last moment before Maria and Carl departed, in a hoarse voice, Hellwig said:

“Contact me. I will come and visit you...”

She knew he was lying. She didn’t answer him. It seemed like Hellwig’s words had never reached her. She felt like someone was squeezing her brain. Everything inside her was dead. She was also afraid of losing her little son… of someone snatching him out of her arms. He looked happy. It was a good thing that he was too young to understand what was happening between his mother and father. He

had no idea that with this, his first trip, his destiny would be drastically changed.

Walking towards the airplane Maria looked back at the airport building hoping to get a glimpse of Hellwig. Look at him from afar... Look into his eyes one more time. What would those eyes say?

After boarding the plane Maria’s throat began to tighten. She was becoming more and more aware of the circumstances under which she had left and was returning to Macedonia. She couldn’t breathe. Macedonia never seemed more attractive to her than now, but at the same time she was very upset at having to leave alone with her son and without Hellwig... She was happy that she hadn’t run into his parents when she left Hellwig’s house... She didn’t know whether to hate or pity them.

* * *

Hellwig returned home alone by taxi. Without Maria and without her newborn son. He hadn’t even gotten to know him.

What had just happened to him? Why did this happen to him every time he came home... to his mother and father...? Why did he behave like a slave? Why did he behave like a trained dog full of blind obedience? Why did he do everything he was told? If they told him to jump into a lake would he have jumped into a lake? He had no idea why he behaved this way. Maybe it was something instinctive, something he’d inherited?

Was this a remnant of some kind of fear? Of his family’s dark past from the war years about which he had only heard and read but had never personally experienced? Was this what made him run away from home for years? Was he hoping to become his own independent man? Was he trying to get off the addiction of his father’s tutoring? Perhaps he was trying to escape from the clutches of his unscrupulous and cold despotic father whose only obsession was money. The older his father grew the more he cared for money, which to Hellwig was mere nonsense.

And when Hellwig thought that he had the courage to stand up to his heartless father and his “not at all” sentimental mother, he decided to return home, to the home where he’d grown up. On the hearth that attracted him very much and at the same time made him run away from it irrevocably.

Who knew how he thought. Had he married a woman born and raised under completely different conditions, in a society very different from his own, as part of his struggle with himself? With everything that evaded him? With all that was in vain? Now, once again he became convinced of his inability to oppose them. To stop them from pressuring him. He wasn’t the man he thought he was. That other, courageous Hellwig was hidden somewhere deep in his soul.

It was an absurdity to believe that there was any hope that Maria would be able to live here, in the same house with the two of them... left over from a former world. How could he believe that this naïve, decent Maria would be able to draw near them when their own son Hellwig himself couldn’t? He very well knew that for a long time they had made every effort to turn him into their true descendant, a copy of themselves. But even though he resisted, he knew that he couldn’t escape them and his blind obedience to them. He had been programmed at an early age. But wherever and however much he ran away from them, he always returned to them, even more obedient and submissive than before. Unfortunately he became aware of this only a few days after he’d come back home with Maria.

At first he couldn’t find the strength to oppose them. Not with a single word when they isolated Maria from their dinner table. It was a categorical declaration that his marriage to this woman had been rejected and that they wouldn’t stop until he gave up on her. They would resist to the end.

Hellwig, however, wanted to immediately open the issue. Tell them that his marriage was perfect. That he had brought this woman home to start a family and they wouldn’t be able to do anything about it. But he didn’t say any of that. He was well aware that he couldn’t change their hardened minds or reach their insensitive hearts. It

quickly became clear to him that he was a coward. He realized that the other Hellwig, the one inside him, the one he hated, was stronger than him... That’s why he was unable to stand up for his wife and fight for her during those long evening arguments and during the final argument when Maria came downstairs and interrupted them. He himself wasn’t aware that he’d become part of them. That, that was it... That the other Hellwig inside of him had defeated him...