Front Matter - Part 05

This was the first time that Hellwig had brought a woman upstairs since Maria left. But, even though he didn’t introduce her, his mother and father expressed joy over her. So, the decision to leave Maria was finalized. They had truly kicked her out. They were secretly happy. The only thing that made them curious was why the foreigner (Maria) had never contacted Hellwig. Not a single letter. Not a single phone call. They also didn’t know if Hellwig had written to her or sent money for the child. And they didn’t even care to ask. They wanted to prove to him that they had simply erased her from their thoughts… Well, the child too.

They began to notice that the woman who came to see their son always came through the back entrance and went straight to the upper floor. She avoided going through the ground floor. She also began to stay overnight. The fact that he never introduced her to them since the first time he had brought her to their house was acceptable to them. Even though they didn’t know who she was. Or what kind of woman she was. Not even if she was married. The most important thing for them was that their son wasn’t alone. And with the strengthening of his new relationship with this woman, the danger of him going back to Maria was less and less.

That’s why, when a letter finally arrived from Maria, addressed to Hellwig, they hid it from him. And so, with his new relationship growing, he seemed to have forgotten about his wife and son. But his mother was so curious about what was in the letter that she opened it. It was written in German. Because of that she was able to read it. Maria wrote only a few brief sentences, all addressed to Hellwig. She said that she was unable to get a job and that she and her son had no means of subsistence.

In a furious tone of voice his mother said to herself: “So now the bitch is asking for money. She’s not getting any, let her starve to death! She wandered the world looking for a husband! Then she found him there, all alone, and clung to him. To work for her and support her. Then she hurried to have a child. She must have thought that she could tie him down with the child. Let her look after him now… Alone. What did she really want from my son?!”

Then she burned the letter. She didn’t tell any of this to her husband. Why would he need to be reminded of her? To become upset. And as for her (Maria) she needed time to think about what she had done. To make it clear to her that there was no place for her here, in this house, in this country.

* * *

It wasn’t long before Hellwig briefly told his parents about his new woman. Her name was Marsha and she was going to live with him upstairs in their house. He introduced her to them the same day she moved in with him permanently. He also told them that Marsha knew everything about Maria and the child and that she didn’t mind that he wasn’t divorced.

And indeed things in life were simple for Marsha. She needed a man. A well-established man who had his own home. Who wanted her to live with him. And that was Hellwig. For her, the things he told her about his ex-wife and son were situations that were already resolved. They were separated. And she had returned to her own country. She had taken the child with her. It was normal for a child to be raised by his mother. And she believed she would never have to see them.

Marsha, confidentially within herself, couldn’t understand how Hellwig could agree to allow that foreigner to bring up his son. But then who could fully understand men? The strangest thing about all this, however, was that he had married her. A marriage which had obviously failed...

It was Marsha’s idea to move in with Hellwig. She made it a condition for him to let her move in with him and live together, completely separate from his parents. In every way. She was a special type of woman. She wanted a clean situation and a clean account. She very much cared about her own interests. About her comforts. Everything had to be in a certain order.

...Hellwig’s parents existed like an indisputable fact. The house was theirs. They allowed Hellwig to live in it. Alone. Now they had to

make an exception for her. His parents existed for as long as they existed and Hellwig was their sole successor. After their death everything would be his. If he went through a divorce with Maria he would take her as his lawful wife and then everything would be hers. But one thing she didn’t know was how much Hellwig loved her. He had agreed to live with her… therefore he must love her... Or at least he liked her. And he was close to her. It looked like they’d be able to be together for a long time. Maybe forever. He earned good money. And so did she.

Marsha’s relationship with Hellwig’s mother and father was somewhat restricted. She visited them only when she was with Hellwig. And only if they were officially invited. She treated them like she was a tenant and they were the landlords. She organized her life around Hellwig in such a way that he had less and less time to spend downstairs. Visiting his parents. Marsha always had things for him to do. She was quickly overpowering him.

At the same time Hellwig’s mother and father quickly became disillusioned with their prospective daughter-in-law. Of course, they didn’t want her to know about this. Even less, complain about her to their son. It would look as if they disliked every woman Hellwig had chosen to be with. They figured in time things might change for the better. She’d become closer to them. Or at least she would show them some more respect. Have more contact with them. Interact more with them. Or whatever else she wanted to do except for the usual: “Good day. How are you? We are in a hurry, we have a lot of things to do...” And come and visit sometimes without an invitation. Or come and visit alone…Marsha never visited alone. Not only did they visit together, they always stayed for a short time. She was constantly in a hurry. Hellwig’s mother couldn’t believe how much Marsha was dominating him. She couldn’t wait to get him alone and talk to him in private. If she treated Hellwig like that now, what would happen to him later…? she wondered.

* * *

It seemed strange to Hellwig that he’d never received any letters from Maria. He didn’t expect that she would give up on him so quickly and so easily. If not for his sake, she should have contacted

him for the sake of their son. He knew nothing of his wellbeing since Maria had left with him. Many times he asked himself, “What could he have possibly changed in everything that had happened to avoid their separation?” He also thought about going to Macedonia to visit them, to see if Maria had found a job and if that was the reason why she hadn’t contacted him and asked for money. But he wasn’t sure if Maria’s family would want to see him. They would probably treat him badly. Even Maria too. If she wanted him to visit her and their son she would have contacted him by now. Also, she had no right to keep him in such uncertainty about Carl. He wasn’t just hers. He was tempted to start looking for her.

He also wasn’t sure if Maria had written him letters and his mother had hidden them. She would never admit to it… not to him. As for Maria, he had no idea why she was acting this way…

With all his indecision and because of the new situation, after Marsha had moved in with him, Hellwig figured that visiting Maria and his son would be increasingly unachievable. And who knew how many ways Hellwig, at least in his own mind, had tried to blame Maria for everything. In fact, she complicated the situation... If she had only kept quiet, if she hadn’t approached things with such sensitivity, especially her reactions to his parents, all this wouldn’t have happened. Perhaps as the mother of a newborn child, she should have been prepared to make greater sacrifices...

She didn’t have to dig into their past, he thought. Of course this was his fault because he had never told her anything about his parents. He hadn’t prepared her. He didn’t believe it was that important and that it would cause conflict that couldn’t be solved. Otherwise he wouldn’t have brought her home. Everything was unfolding so fast that he was lost in his own quagmire. He was unable to escape from it. During times when such thoughts entered his mind, he looked for ways to place blame elsewhere to take the guilt away from himself. And somewhere deep in his subconscious mind a question kept popping up. “If he truly loved her as much as he seemed to love her at first, when he persuaded her to go with him, couldn’t he have found a way out?!” But... he consistently ran away from this question...

The fact that Maria had been silent and didn’t answer his letters meant that she wasn’t suffering… The experience must have been less painful for her. Which meant that she didn’t love him anymore. And how could she love him? However... He couldn’t believe that her love for him could end so suddenly... That she would be able to completely erase him from her mind. And why not? He hadn’t tried to stop her from leaving. With his child. He hadn’t asked her to return to him. That too he hadn’t tried. Maria hadn’t only found out who his parents were, including his grandparents, but she’d penetrated his soul. She had awakened that other Hellwig who wanted to hide from himself. The Hellwig that Maria couldn’t possibly love...

In time he tried to comfort himself and heal his wounds... He figured maybe someday he would be able to visit his son. And he would understand... they’d be able to get to know each other. At the same time he figured Maria would never let him. And rightly so. She would try to raise him by herself no matter how difficult...

All these thoughts ran through his mind every time he found himself alone… which were rare moments these days. He needed to go over things, even terrible things, in order to calm his conscience.

* * *

Maria lost all hope that someday Hellwig would come to her. She even gave up on him sending her money. There was no response to the only letter she’d sent him. Maybe she was to blame for all this. For not contacting him all this time. And after not receiving a reply to the one letter she had sent him, Maria felt sorry for writing it. She now needed to be more persistent in her job search. She decided not to contact him again. Not even to ask him for money or for his support... But why shouldn’t she? Her son was also his son. And he was obligated to provide a means of subsistence for him. She needed to sue him. Let the court inform him of his responsibilities to his child... But, at the same time, Maria had no idea how much it would cost to initiate a court procedure through the international court… Money she needed but didn’t have. She needed to find a job first. Unfortunately the harder she tried, knocking on door after door, the less she believed that she would succeed.

Maria quickly became aware that becoming a German citizen had been a big mistake. Why had she done that? She couldn’t have guessed, of course, in the early years with Hellwig, when their life together was really going well, that things would go this way? It was a done deal. She had no reason to return to Macedonia. But the moment prospective employers saw her documents, they immediately rejected her. She wasn’t only rejected because she was a foreigner but also because she was a German citizen. She was rejected, mostly by old white-haired officials who thought, “Oh my God, what made her fall for a German? We just barely got rid of them…” And others who thought, “Don’t we have enough Macedonians here that she had to go Germany to get married?” Or “He lied to her to win her over, got her pregnant and gave her the boot…” Or “What did she expect from those kinds of people?” Or “Didn’t her father and mother tell her that these people wiped out half the world?” Or “Above everything else, why did she need to become a German citizen!” Or “She could go back to Germany and find work there.” Or “What was she doing here?” And so she faced insult after insult. She frequently left job interviews in tears. She eventually lost all hope. One time she became so frustrated she shouted back at one employer, a younger employment officer at a shoe factory, and said:

“I didn’t come here to ask you to arrange my personal life, but to look for a job. You were put here for that purpose not to provide political or moral lectures to people,” and quickly left the office.

Maria began to sell her things to subsist. She sold the jewelry that Hellwig had given her and spent the last bit of money she’d gotten for it. Because she was desperate for money, the pawn shops robbed her blind.

She had no money for months and no letter from Hellwig. Her hopes for employment were dwindling and she had no job. There wasn’t enough money from her sister’s earnings and her mother’s small pension, not even for basic necessities. It wasn’t enough to support everyone including Maria and Carl. But no one was complaining. They didn’t blame her for their extreme poverty. At the same time Maria was well aware that the rise in poverty was pushing her

anxiety to intolerable levels. Creating conditions for conflict. Maria at times became so desperate she wanted to run away somewhere, but where?

How could she be sure that the letter she wrote to Hellwig had reached his hands? His mother, that witch, must have taken it. The mailman passed by in the morning when Hellwig was at work and she could have easily hidden it from him. Maria couldn’t believe that Hellwig wouldn’t send her money, at least for his son, if he didn’t want anything to do with her. Was he still at home with his family or had he moved to another country? She didn’t know. She blamed herself, why hadn’t she tried harder to get close to someone there in the city. Now she could have contacted them to find out what was happening with Hellwig. But, on the other hand, it was impossible for her to get close to anyone after they moved in with his parents. Also, she was in the late months of her pregnancy and couldn’t exactly go out much. On top of that, his mother and father had placed her in isolation... At times she was angry with herself for frequently coming back to the same theme… constantly thinking of what had happened in the past. When instead she should have been thinking of what was going to happen next...

She had problems sleeping almost every night. One night she overheard a conversation she wasn’t supposed to hear between her mother and one of her sisters. They slept in the room next door. She heard her mother whisper:

“I felt my heart drop when she suddenly appeared, all alone, with a child but without Hellwig. The look on her face told me everything. The moment I saw her I knew she was in trouble.”

“A foreigner is a foreigner,” replied her sister with a sigh. From her voice it sounded like it was Nade.

“If he abandoned her it will be harder for all of us! Is she obliged to look after the child alone?! Even if she can’t find a job? He needs to send her money!” said her mother.

“I feel sorry for Carl...” said her sister. “We’ll continue to survive somehow. Maybe Maria will find a job...”

Her mother didn’t reply and remained quiet...

Maria began to cry. Quietly. She was well aware of their situation. Things were changing rapidly. She had been helping her family as much as she could in the past few years. Even before she was married. She tried not to lose hope even under impossible conditions.

With tears in her eyes the next day she went to a nearby market where children’s things were sold and pawned one of Carl’s new pair of pants. With the money she got she sent Hellwig a telegram. She didn’t want to but felt she needed to. In the telegram she said: “Hellwig, call immediately”. She was hoping that the mailman would deliver the telegram to him personally.

...She again waited with painful anticipation and counted the days. She went outside and waited for the mailman every day. She was outside the moment she saw the mailman at the end of the street. After a while the mailman realized how important it must have been to her, for him to bring her the letter she was waiting for. With a guilty expression on his face and with sad eyes, day after day he shook his head telling her there was no mail for her today.

Now Maria thought that Hellwig might not be home. That he must have gone to work somewhere else. To some other country. And that he mustn’t have received the telegram. Or the telegram had ended up in his mother’s hands. Nothing could pass her by. With that in mind, Maria wanted to excuse Hellwig. She refused to believe that he was at fault in any way...

* * *

From the first day that Marsha moved into Hellwig’s house, and decided to live with him, she’d set herself up as his wife. She wasn’t at all burdened by the fact that Hellwig wasn’t divorced. For her things like divorce were just a formality. She figured that one by one these issues would, in time, be sorted out. Well, even if he had to send money to support his son. It was completely normal. The

important thing was that Maria and Carl remain far away from Hellwig.

From early on she told her future husband that she wanted to have a child. Giving birth for Marsha was an urgent matter. She figured this would be the fastest way to strengthen her relationship with him. And this would be good for Hellwig too. Because it would make it easier for him to get over little Carl not being in his life.

The fact that Marsha wanted to have a child was normal for Hellwig. He easily accepted it. Even more, he wasn’t bothered by the formalities surrounding his divorce from Maria. But months after trying, Marsha couldn’t get pregnant. He began to notice her growing nervousness. He pretended not to notice it. He didn’t even try to talk to her about it. He felt that this kind of conversation would be very unpleasant for Marsha. Hellwig didn’t want to talk to his mother about this either. He was afraid that she would gain a decisive advantage against his relationship with Marsha. From early on it became clear to him that his mother and Marsha would never become close. Not even as friends. There was something in them that made them repel each other. Hellwig had no desire to even try to fix that. He knew that nothing would change. Repulsion was in their character. In their drastic egoism. In their painful need for possession. For supremacy.

One day Hellwig decided to talk to her. He said: “Marsha, I know it bothers you that you aren’t pregnant, maybe you should go and see a doctor, a specialist.”

“I’ve already done that,” replied Marsha irritably. “The doctor thinks it’s a psychological problem. First of all because our relationship is mediocre. He advised me to suggest that you get a divorce as soon as possible.”

Hellwig was furious at first. What kind of cunning woman was this woman with whom he’d started a new life? What did this minor formality have to do with her getting pregnant? Surely this was pure fabrication! But, even though he was furious, he kept his cool. He said:

“Of course it will be done without anyone’s advice. But I don’t believe it has anything to do with you not getting pregnant. It would be a good idea if you go to see another doctor and get a second opinion. Don’t misunderstand me! Personally I’m not in a hurry… to have a child... It doesn’t have to be immediately... Okay?”

“Of course,” said Marsha who was now getting angry, “you don’t have to have more children at all. You already have a son! It doesn’t matter that he isn’t here!”

Hellwig felt the need to hit her. And that would mean the end of their relationship. So he restrained himself and left the house. He eventually calmed down as he idly walked along the street without a destination in mind. He thought it was normal for Marsha to want to make their relationship legal. It was also normal for her to want to have a child. The complications were on his side. Sometimes he felt that he should do the opposite; not rush the divorce. Not even rush to marry Marsha. Give himself more time to get to know her better.

But, not following his own advice, a few days later Hellwig went to his lawyer and initiated his divorce proceedings. He handed the lawyer some papers and explained to him some things orally. The lawyer was a relatively young man and very open.

“And the child, will you be wanting to take him?” asked the lawyer.

The question confused Hellwig. It also startled him. He was silent for a long time.

“If you want to think about it then take another day or so. Then you can tell me what you want to do. We don’t have to finalize the papers right away. And, as you know, this may take a long time because people from two different countries are involved,” added the lawyer.

It became clear to Hellwig that, under these new circumstances, because of the woman he was already living with, he couldn’t decide on his own to seek the child. He would need her consent. He would also require the consent of his parents if he wanted to continue to live in their house. On the other hand, he didn’t feel right

to legally give up on his own son. The idea of giving up on him seemed to scare him. It would be a terrible betrayal against him. It would also be a betrayal against himself, as his father. The father of such a small boy. While he was still in the lawyer’s office Hellwig felt obligated to give the lawyer an answer before he left. Only now, at this very moment, when Hellwig felt unrestricted, was he prepared to give the lawyer an answer. He had to give him his answer immediately. And because he hesitated in front of the lawyer, he was ashamed of it.

“My son is very young and I feel he should be with his mother,” he said. That’s all he said. He then paid the lawyer his advance fee and quickly left his office.

On his way home Hellwig thought of the many things that had forced him to make this decision. He tried hard to calm himself... But it wasn’t easy. Until that moment, until that decision was made, everything associated with Maria and his child seemed to be temporary. Things that would eventually pass. Including his complications with Marsha. Even her moving in with him. But having to decide to give up his already born and growing son, just because Marsha wanted a baby, seemed to overwhelm him. He had done this to himself and the actions he’d taken towards the divorce...

What if Marsha couldn’t have a child? In that new lawful marriage of theirs… His only son would grow up and live far away. He would know that his father had given up on him... He would never forgive him. Or maybe Maria would tell him that he didn’t have a father. That his father had died. It would be like he had no son... That kind of thinking was hell for Hellwig. It dug deep down into his conscience.

When Hellwig came home that evening Marsha thought he’d been run over by a car. He looked messy and unhappy. He didn’t say anything to her. He quickly washed put on his pajamas and went to bed.

Marsha thought he’d decided to break up with her. Maybe because she’d asked him to divorce Maria. Wasn’t that a normal thing to ask? She shouldn’t have even had to remind him of that obligation...

He should have known better. He should have done that when she moved in with him. He shouldn’t have gotten upset with her when she linked his divorce to her pregnancy. She wasn’t to blame for what the doctor had told her... And to be honest, she wanted to believe in that herself. She wanted to blame the situation which she was brought into and the fact that she was unable to get pregnant for unknown reasons. If only the divorce was resolved! It would also be important for Hellwig to have another child. Exactly because of all the things that had happened in his unhappy marriage and to his child, there, somewhere far away... But that wasn’t so important to her. Her desire to have a child was so great that she didn’t want to believe that she couldn’t have one.

A few days later Hellwig told Marsha that he’d hired a lawyer and had filed for divorce. That made her very happy. But she didn’t show it. Also, she didn’t ask him if he was seeking custody of his son... Even though she wanted to know everything. Hellwig sensed that she wanted to ask him about the child, but didn’t dare, so he decided to tell her himself.

“As for my son, I debated if I should ask for custody or not. However, I decided to leave him with his mother. He is still very young. It would also be terrible for his mother if I took him.”

Marsha pulled him towards her and gave him a hug and kiss. She then said:

“I knew you were a humane person. And that you had a good heart.” And then she whispered “otherwise I couldn’t possibly love you…”

She seemed sincere to Hellwig so he gave her a hug too and went to get something to drink.

“Had I decided to ask for custody would you have objected? Would you have looked after him?” asked Hellwig after he drank his third bottle of beer.

Marsha looked confused. The question had come so suddenly. She was unprepared. It was like he’d hit her in the face with a whip. She knew that their future relationship depended on what she said next.

But at the same time, she was aware that if she lied to him now he would immediately know. So she kept quiet for a long time.

When she decided to speak she said: “Now more than ever Hellwig, I would love to have my own child…” not directly answering the question he’d asked her. “I never did think about your son... I really think you did the right thing by not asking for custody, while his mother is still alive... I could never stand for that if I were in her place...”

Hellwig felt it was time to change the subject. He only added that the lawyer told him that the divorce would take a long time. But that didn’t matter to Marsha. The most important thing that mattered to her was that Hellwig had taken the first step. She felt she would be safer if she legitimized her relationship with him. Even more so... if she could have a child with him. But her biggest fear was that she couldn’t have one. She couldn’t seem to escape that fear...

* * *

Maria was very disappointed. Her ties with her husband Hellwig had been severed for so long that she’d forgotten about looking for the mailman at the corner or noticing him entering her yard. Maria was surprised to see that it wasn’t the same mailman who’d brought them their mail for many years. The month was April. It was a warm April day. She was startled when she heard the mailman call her full name, first and last name. Not only was the mailman not the same person but the envelope he handed her, after he asked her to sign for it, was unusual looking. Her heart started to pound, she was trembling. It was clear to her that this wasn’t a letter, nor was it money from Hellwig. She tried to open it but her hands shook uncontrollably. “Divorce papers,” her panicky eyes finally managed to make out from the jumping letters on top of the page. She knew this was the end of her marriage! Her tears flowed on their own. But why was she crying? She’d expected this would happen the moment she left Hellwig and came home with her child. Perhaps even earlier. Immediately after her confrontation. Downstairs with his parents... Even then it was clear that divorce would follow. But it seemed, like any person in a hopeless situation, Maria had hoped for the impossible... For an empty hope... She had definitely lost him...

Maria went into the room where Carl was sleeping. She felt very sorry for him. Had she ever expected she would raise a child without a father? Didn’t she want her child to feel that protection, that security, which in crucial moments in life is provided only by a father? Well, it was happening...

She didn’t know whether Hellwig was going to go to the divorce trial in person or appoint a representative, a proxy. She looked over the papers again but lacked the courage to read them. Finally she decided to read them to find out the reasons for the divorce. Her throat was dry. She had difficulty breathing. Was Hellwig really leaving her? Leaving her forever? He’d probably found a German woman as soon as he filed for divorce. They would surely get married. Her legs felt weak. She sat down on the stairs. Her house began to spin all around her. Hellwig wasn’t only giving up on her, he was giving up on his own son!

The more she read the angrier she became, especially when she read about the reasons for the divorce and the dissolution of their marriage... He wrote: “She left the marriage arbitrarily… She abandoned her marital obligations...” Hellwig, did you really say that?! She thought to herself and rage engulfed her. “You know very well the condition under which you brought me to your parents’ house. You knew about the terrible isolation! You knew about the humiliation! Even your newborn son, their grandchild, couldn’t soften their hearts or put a smile on their faces. What was I supposed to wait for? What could I hope for?!”

What had he, her Hellwig, the man who loved her, done to improve that situation? Had he taken her under his protection? Had he stood by her side? No!

Now he’d decided to divorce her. Maybe it would be best for both of them... And for their son. When she thought about Carl suddenly her eyes began to fly quickly through the lines: was there anything written there about Carl?! Did he want custody of him…?! She didn’t know what was more frightening than that... If he wanted custody it meant that he still cared for him. He still wanted him as his own child. His own son. His own blood.

In any case Maria wasn’t prepared to give Carl up at any cost, no matter how much it hurt Hellwig. But then, when she read further down she felt defeated. She was cut down by the notion that Hellwig thought that his son should stay with his mother. That meant he didn’t want him! He didn’t care for him! He was prepared to give him up! A terrible, terrible contradiction. Pain tore through her entire body. She felt a splitting headache like someone had burned a hole in her head and all her blood was spilling out.

What did all this mean?! It meant that the good-natured Hellwig, the noble one whom she’d met and knew as a decent man... in the life they had together... in the countries where he worked... suddenly found her at fault for their break up! For ending their marriage! For ending their love!

He knew very well why she’d done that... But... what happened was irreversible... Nothing depended on her anymore.

* * *

It had been almost three months since Hellwig first visited his lawyer’s office. He told Marsha that a divorce date was set. It was to take place in ten days. Hellwig expected the news would cheer Marsha. But by the expression on her face, she wasn’t happy at all... He didn’t want to let her know that he’d noticed her but the fact that she was unhappy bothered him... At the same time he didn’t want to ask her directly...

At that point Hellwig didn’t know about Marsha’s latest gynecological examination, which was very discouraging. She wouldn’t be able to get pregnant. She was going through a terrible struggle in her mind and soul. Had Hellwig now missed his chance of getting custody of his child…? She often struggled with this thought. Because of this their marriage wouldn’t make much sense anymore. Not being able to have children with Marsha, Hellwig would probably leave her and try to get back with her. His first wife. Or, maybe one day he would ask his son to come and live with him. Or, maybe he would ask both her and him. Once again Marsha

began to think of these things the moment he told her about the forthcoming court date for his divorce.

After some silence Marsha said: “Hellwig, if you want custody of your child then ask for it. Don’t put the blame on me or make me the reason for you giving up your son...”

Hellwig looked straight into Marsha’s eyes. The reason for her silence immediately became very clear to him. Deep inside him he became angry and cold. He had just barely gotten over his heart-breaking decision to abandon his son in the divorce and now, suddenly, he was faced with another difficult and painful question: Did he have the right to take away the only and most precious thing from Maria that was left from her love for him? Should he go that far?

Marsha was well-aware that Hellwig was unable to make such a difficult decision on his own, so she tried to help him. She said:

“The child was born in Germany and bears your last name... And... He is a boy... He will continue your lineage...”

He couldn’t believe that Marsha would take such a step. And she spoke so convincingly.

She continued: “You, Hellwig, one time you mentioned to me that his mother was from a very poor family. And that she was unemployed. What kind of life would your son have? Under what living conditions would your child grow? Surely you, yourself, can’t possibly agree to allow him, your son, to grow up in poverty?”

Everything Marsha said was true. She began to undermine his vanity. To invoke his sense of responsibility towards his son. Images of poverty from the house where Maria lived began to flood his memory. Her mother. Her sisters. Suddenly it seemed like he’d begun to condemn himself: how could he allow his own son to share that misery?

“Only if you agree, Marsha... And you won’t change your mind later... because I won’t know what to do with the child...” he replied.

She gave him a hug showing him her readiness to accept the child. To nurture him.

Now Hellwig began to worry about having to tell his mother and father about this. He expected a fierce reaction. But this time he felt more determined and wouldn’t let them change his mind.

At the same time, in order to calm his conscience, Hellwig felt that his decision to take custody and support and raise his son might even be a relief to Maria because of the hopeless financial situation in which she had found herself. But that didn’t help him much. He still felt like he’d acted like a scoundrel towards her...

The next day, Hellwig went to see his mother and father to discuss the divorce and his son. He went alone. Without Marsha. As expected, the first reaction was fierce. They agreed that it was okay to legally getting rid of Maria. And it was about time. But as for asking for custody and getting his son, they felt, he would have Maria around his neck again.

“If you take her son she won’t leave you alone. And it will ruin your life with Marsha. We aren’t saying that the child isn’t yours. But lo and behold, you will have children in your new marriage. Pure Germans…”.his mother said.

While saying all that, his mother noticed sharp wrinkles appear on Hellwig’s forehead and he bowed his head down. A wicked thought popped into her head: “Ah, she can’t give birth…That’s why she agreed to take the child.” After that his mother realized how much she couldn’t stand Marsha. She rejoiced at this realization even though Hellwig, her own son was in question, who would be left without any other children. Her brain then started working quickly: “Let him take Maria’s child. She isn’t worthy of taking care of their child,” she thought. “Let her once again be punished for mixing in their blood.” On the other hand, she thought, Marsha might leave Hellwig. Why would she want to take care of someone else’s child, to whom she hadn’t given birth? That way, Hellwig would get rid of her as well. Maybe that’s why he’d come up with the idea of getting

custody of his kid. He must have known that Marsha couldn’t get pregnant. It would then be easier to bring him back to his mother.

After some silence, after all these thoughts crossed her mind, his mother said:

“Ultimately he is your son. Do what you think is best.”

As she said that, his father who was silent during the entire conversation, looked at his wife in amazement. He couldn’t believe the words she’d said. But he said nothing. Hellwig was surprised too. What were the reasons for that turnaround in his mother? He didn’t understand. But he hurried to get out of there while the words she uttered still floated in the air. His mother too was amazed at what she’d said. Even though she’d said it herself.

Hellwig wondered if perhaps, after Carl had left Germany, his mother had any feelings for her grandson? Or was this about something else. Something hidden and insidious…

* * *

It seemed logical and justified to Hellwig to ask for his child back. So he tried to put a case together to include everything that everyone had suggested. Including what he wanted, what Marsha wanted and what his mother suggested. He was still surprised that his father hadn’t resisted. The closer he got to the lawyer’s office, the more nervous he became. He was worried that the lawyer would tell him that it was too late to grant him such a request.

“Hey, you’re here…”said the lawyer as he intercepted Hellwig at the door. He thought Hellwig was there to inquire about the divorce hearing. “There’s nothing to worry about. Everything is clear. Your wife left you. She is a citizen of another country. She went back to her country. To her relatives. She left voluntarily. She even took her son with her.”

As he spoke, the lawyer sensed that Hellwig wanted to say something, something more delicate, so he encouraged him to speak.

“Is there something else you need to ask? To clarify something? Please do. That’s why I’m here,” added the lawyer.

“You know,” said Hellwig quietly taking his time, uttering every word with difficulty. “I thought a lot about my son. I came to the realization that his place is here, with me. I wouldn’t want anyone else to bring him up. His homeland is Germany. His name is German. He was born here. He belongs here.”

The lawyer looked at Hellwig, patiently letting him speak. After Hellwig finished the lawyer said:

“Now you’re on the right track. I was surprised when you first came to me and said he should be with his mother and you weren’t decisive. But it’s okay.” The lawyer then asked: “Will there be someone to take care of him while you’re at work?”

“Well, I mean, of course,” replied Hellwig with a tone of uncertainty in his voice. Or so it seemed to the lawyer.

“Do you think there will be difficulties in getting custody of the child?” asked Hellwig.

“We will find out soon enough. We will list the reasons why the child should be with you and not his mother. Tell me what her financial situation is like?”

“Bad, quite bad,” said Hellwig remembering what Maria’s living conditions were like when he first visited her in her mother’s residence.

“Then the problem is solved!” replied the lawyer somewhat loudly.

The lawyer didn’t look more than forty but had gray hair and wore glasses with thick lenses. Satisfied with Hellwig’s answer he rubbed his hands and immediately fed a blank sheet of paper into his typewriter. While Hellwig was still there he wanted to finish the document and add it as a supplement, i.e. as an extension to the divorce claim.

Hellwig became upset to a point where he had difficulty breathing, especially when the lawyer asked him questions about Maria’s financial situation and his son’s birth and age. But he didn’t waver. Something inside him was upsetting him, something that he wasn’t aware of… It was smoldering inside him. And here, Marsha was encouraging that feeling to wake him up.

He paid the lawyer, said goodbye and left. Walking down the street, he didn’t, at any point, allow himself to think of how Maria would to receive the news. He didn’t want those thoughts to overpower and sway him. His thoughts left his mind one by one and followed him, some in front and others behind. They began to poke him in his head and dig into his brain. But all their efforts to change what he did were in vain. More and more he became convinced that Carl would be his only successor.

* * *

Many days had passed since Maria received her divorce papers yet still she couldn’t accept the idea that Hellwig was leaving her. That she and Carl would be left all alone. She would be without the man she loved and Carl without his father. She hadn’t yet recovered from that terribly painful fact when the same strange mailman, the one she didn’t know, once again arrived at her gate one morning, holding another strange looking envelope similar to the first one. Maria was startled when she saw the mailman. She sensed that he was bringing more bad news but she recovered quickly and thought that maybe it was the summons to go to court for her divorce. Why had it come so early?! Well it was what it was. Maria was expecting the summons. Why did it matter when it came...?

The mailman handed her the envelope. Like before, he asked her to sign for it and left. Maria’s hands trembled. She was hoping it was a summons…She was expecting a summons. But it could be something else…a rejection perhaps… But Maria never expected that a German court would reject Hellwig’s divorce application.

But as soon as she opened the envelope she realized that it was an amendment to the original divorce papers. The first thing she saw on the first line was Carl’s name, which gave her a sharp pain in her gut

as if she’d been bitten by the most venomous snake. Her eyes flew down the piece of paper looking for details. Those insidious people… The reason for wanting custody of the child was because he was German, born in Germany, from a German father. “Is it now? Two years later, that it occurred to them that he’s German and that he’s their grandson?” cried Maria in the yard, unaware that she had. The second reason, which also angered Maria, was that she, his mother, couldn’t even provide for herself let alone for the child. That she didn’t have the financial means for his normal upbringing and education. By now Maria was furious. Why did they want custody of the child now? What reason had they come up with? Not too long ago they’d rejected him because he wasn’t of pure German blood! Because he was of mixed “unclean” blood?!

So, in the end, they decided to send her this terrible document... Terrible for Maria and for the child... It was monstrous. This was definitely planned by the two monsters. And they had convinced him too. Her Hellwig. He was completely caught in their trap.

Maria wandered around the yard. She felt like a trapped beast. Where could she go? From whom could she seek help? Who could help her find a job? She would take any job, the dirtiest job, just to make a living. She would even take a dangerous job, dangerous to her health. Dangerous to her life.

But the harder she tried the more indifferent the faces of company officials and institutions became as she begged them to give her a job. She became so disillusioned that she was prepared to go to the city mayor, get on her knees and beg him to give her a job. She figured she would have a better chance if she went with her child in her arms. She figured he might have children too and be sympathetic. Especially when she told him that her child would be taken away from her because she wasn’t employed and because she had no other means to support him. He might feel sorry for her. If not for her, then for the child. He would understand...