Front Matter - Part 01

Hatred - Deep

A Novel

By Dragica Najcheska

(Translated from Macedonian to English and edited by Risto Stefov)

Hatred - Deep

Original in Macedonian - Skopje, 2011 Translated to English - Toronto, 2022

A Novel

THE NOVEL THAT IS READ “IN A SINGLE BREATH”

Dragica Najcheska is a confirmed author in Macedonian literature. She writes for both adults and children. Regarding the collection of the Macedonian story, Dr. Haralampie Polenakovich, early in her youth, one time examined one of her texts, which showed signs of the effort of a focused anthologist. Since then she has published a dozen books in the above-mentioned two spheres of our (Macedonian) literature.

Dragica Najcheska’s latest work delves into the socio-psychological side of a problem relating to the personal tragedy of an individual, in this case Maria, a Macedonian woman who is initially happily married to a foreigner then becomes a mother - until she comes to live in Germany under the same roof with her husband’s parents. From there everything goes wrong for her. After a short period of living together, the atmosphere becomes very cold (albeit seemingly conflict-free). In fact, that coldness, exhibited by both her husband and mother-in-law, was the real reason for the les beaux parent relationship. Living together for a long time without speaking a single word, face to face, to each other drives Maria and her son Carl to flee Germany. Her action seems unjustified to the outside world: it causes severe (unreasonable) injury - marital and ethical problems in their relationship. That is why “justice” is on the side of her husband who initiates divorce measures and deprives the child of his mother who, due to her shaky health and unfavourable social status, ends up in her homeland. Learning of the divorce the young mother becomes mentally broken, where under the circumstances she would be left without her child. This leads her to long-term isolation in a mental hospital where she accidentally finds one of her classmates Elena, who takes the initiative to make frequent contact and provides Maria with moral support. Here Elena discovers the reason for the cold attitude exhibited by the old German couple towards their daughter-in-law which, above all, was due to the death of the mother-in-law’s close relative in Maria’s country where he served as a German occupying officer. Of course, “pride” contributes no less to this because of the German sense of “purity” of the German race which, so many years after Hitler’s Germany collapsed, lived in the older generation who were indoctrinated by neo-fascism and its idea of “superiority”. Therefore - given all this -

Maria has no place in their home and in her husband Hellwig’s life. Hellwig, who doesn’t share his parents’ views but still tacitly surrenders to their wishes, - with a duality in himself - becomes a victim of the family tradition. However, even with Maria’s inhumane treatment he is still without a doubt, a human being: neither better nor worse than the majority of the people on this planet. He has his own shortcomings (immaturity for marital relations) and positive qualities (a professional, but also without a completely extinguished conscience towards Maria, and cares for their son whose “half-polluted” blood could never be a reason for alienation - as it was with his parents).

The novel ends with a semi-happy ending, with the most humane and most possible compromise between life and love, dictated by “survival”. Thankfully Maria comes out of the hospital healthy, aware of the complexity of the problem, but also convinced of Hellwig’s sincerity that she and her husband will take care of their son together and that he will allow her son to spend part of the year with her...

There is another character in the novel, Hellwig’s second wife. (She, by the strength of her character, appears stronger than the mother-in-law and father-in-law and is also a willing second mother to little Carl. She is kind to Maria even though she is a stranger to her.)

The novel “Hatred - Deep” that is read “in a single breath” belongs to “Women’s literature”, not with a black and white schematized solution but with a sense of moderation and a sense of justice.

Prof. Dr. Georgi Stalev

AFFIRMATION OF THE WILL OF A PERSON

Dragica Najcheska’s latest work, the novel “Hatred - Deep”, builds on her work this far which is well-known and well-received by our (Macedonian) readers. Her work is an artistic achievement for her which is very much valued by Macedonian literary critics. I want to emphasize that with her work she has always been able to attract attention, especially of the young reader, using in-depth, but also balanced psychological analysis of her characters in order to have a positive impact.

Up to now Dragica Najcheska’s literary work has, almost without exception, delved into topics from contemporary life. In her new novel, her characters bring out a positive thread of unstoppable inner heroism. Putting them in a context of conflicting life situations, difficulties, impasses, above all they must resolve their problems within themselves - temptations, firmness and stoicism, virtues… which ultimately help them carry forward their tragedy and misfortune and learn how to live their lives.

Even though the theme of the novel is contemporary, the plot and the main characters are young people with roots extending to Second World War nationalist passions and their tragic consequences. The story is about a mixed marriage involving a Macedonian woman and a German man who, transferred from Macedonia to a distant unknown environment, clash with the war generation and succumb, unable to survive against the deep-rooted prejudices inherited from the war.

In this social-historical setting, the author builds and develops the life destiny of the main character - Maria, who experiences a deep mental breakdown. Not being accepted by the family of her beloved husband Hellwig, she returns to her family in a moment of deep crisis, taking their little child with her. At home, her crisis deepens. Her mental disorder grows and at one point, when the court takes her child away and gives it to the father, it reaches a climax. She is admitted to a psychiatric hospital. Here in the hospital, she struggles for seven years and at the same time exhibits an extraordinary force of the will to live, to overcome… her thoughts keep her trapped behind the hospital bars. Eventually she proves herself as a person

with a healthy psyche. Ultimately she is employed in the hospital as a librarian and a therapist who assists physicians in treating other patients. Maria manages to establish a new balance with her family, as well as with her husband and son Carl.

In building the characters in the novel, in giving them depth and credibility of their psyche, the author manages to carry them very close to us, which is why they are perceived as real, living persons.

The social ambience, which is strikingly present in her novel, doesn’t suppress the broad universal human meaning of the topic.

The basic content of her work fits all around in contemporary life. Not only with the problem of mixed marriages, which is more and more present in our time due to international intolerance of various kinds in many countries in the world, but also with the affirmation of the positive energy of the human will, which finds its full confirmation in the author’s work. The author with her characteristic natural way, with her lyrical guided action of the plot and its unfolding, manages to keep the reader’s attention from beginning to end.

Prof. Dr. Dimitar Boshkov

She walked completely absent-mindedly, preoccupied, along the only straight street in town. It was her first visit. The place was completely unfamiliar to her. She arrived here formally. Not long ago. On a bus. It was approaching noon. The sun was warm. Pleasant sunshine in early spring. Her first impression of the town wasn’t so good. Messy, dirty.

At one point she felt more than she saw. Two hands grabbed her by her shoulders, painfully squeezing them. The two hands belonged to a woman. She stuck them between two metal fence bars in the yard of the two-storey building. She looked at the woman’s face through the lattice. It was dirty. Unwashed. Her black eyes shone strangely. There was a frantic expression in them. Her black hair wasn’t combed. She was dressed in something that looked like a homemade dress and a nightgown. Their eyes met. There was some strange joy in the woman’s eyes on the other side of the fence... it was momentary… like a prayer... like a shout.

The woman’s crusty mouth, in a cry, uttered the words: “You are my saviour, you, you, only you can save me. Get me out of here! Tell the doctors who I am. That I’m educated... that I’m smart... that I shouldn’t be here... that I’m healthy!”

It was a desperate cry. The terrible cry of an innocent convict. A cry for mercy. A merciful cry.

At that moment something touched inside Elena’s brain, in her consciousness: She realized she was in front of the psychiatric hospital. She remembered hearing explanations about her and that hospital and the seriously ill that it housed. There were other women in a similar situation there besides the woman who was still holding her by her shoulders.

There was no doubt in Elena’s mind: that the woman with her hands clasped on her shoulders was Maria. Her friend from school. From her class.

She heard herself whispering to Maria. Quite mildly. Trying to act cool. Calm.

“I will help you... I will understand...”

Elena gently placed her hands on Maria, who was still firmly holding onto her like a drowning woman.

“Trust me. I will go to the doctors immediately. I will clarify everything.”

“You... Elena, don’t you know me? You know very well who I am ?! They made me this way...” said Maria anxiously in a panicky voice.

“Who made you this way?” Elena asked in a quiet voice trying to speak calmly. Convincingly...

“My husband’s mother and father. My husband. You remember him. I introduced you to him... No, he didn’t do this to me, not him! He was wonderful... He loved me very much... They are to blame! They are the real destroyers! They took my child... They took my child... They took everything from me... And they took my health...”

After her last words, as if regretting what she’d said about her health, Maria quickly added:

“But not now... I’m fine now... With my health... And the doctors said so... But then, why don’t they let me go...”

She quickly leaned towards Elena and quietly whispered:

“I know why. They receive money from there. They pay for me... To be here... Locked up... I’m in a camp... As you can see!... And my family,” Maria went on to say.

“...My mother and sisters... You know I have two sisters... They too betrayed me. Me and my child. My poor Carl! He... do you know where he is? There with them. Alone. Without me. Without his mother...”

From the sound of her voice Maria seemed to be in terrible pain... it was visible on her face. It was twisted.

“My family… They are afraid of taking me home. They think I will be a burden to them... Please, I beg you. Tell them, I will find a job. And I will take my child from those monsters... My little child...”

Maria was crying terribly... Her weak body was shaking. It was unbearable to listen to her cries... Her body began to spasm all over. She let go of Elena’s shoulders...

Two big and strong orderlies quickly came over and dragged Maria inside the building. The orderlies looked angrily at Elena whom they didn’t know. Naturally they blamed Elena for upsetting their patient.

Elena listened to Maria’s scream for a long time. She understood what she was saying when she yelled: “my child, my little one, alone there, with those degenerates...”

Elena stood there as if her feet were buried in the ground. She couldn’t take a single step. And how could she leave her! All that had happened… wouldn’t leave Elena alone. She decided to follow up on Maria. The job for which she had come to the city could wait. She sat down on the wall around the nearby house. She needed time to rest and recover from what had just happened.

* * *

Elena remembered Maria from their second year in high school. She remembered the day their teacher had brought her to class. The teacher said:

“This young lady is lagging behind in her studies due to an illness. Please help her. And spend time with her.”

Elena soon discovered that there was a lot of sadness in Maria. She looked like she was in pain. There were also unusual traces of jaundice in her eyes. Elena understood that Maria had suffered from jaundice for a long time. Her forehead wasn’t very high. She had short, thick black hair. It looked like she’d cut it herself. It stood out like a brush. Standing up. She wore a shabby coat. Old shoes. A deformed old leather jacket that looked like it was well-worn.

For a long time Maria sat alone in the last desk at the back of the class, like she was the latest addition to the class. Almost no one came near her most days. It’s true that at that time Maria looked like she was an older sister of one of the classmates. What’s more, she sat back there crouched forward in that last desk. As if she wanted to go unnoticed.

Elena was the first to break through to Maria. The others did that later. Elena and Maria didn’t become close friends. But they spent time together. By the time she graduated, Maria had already caught up in the school work she’d missed. She had a gift for telling good stories which also helped her. She had the ability to write not too badly. It made sense. She also delved into what she read and came to her own conclusion.

After graduation they stayed apart for a long time. When they met by accident it seemed to Elena that Maria wanted to avoid her. She didn’t want to greet her. Not even in the street. Had she done something to make Maria resent her? One time she reached out to her in a brightly lit shoe store. She grabbed her hand and said:

“Hey, how are you? What’s the hurry?”

It seemed as if Maria really wanted to avoid her.

She was ashamed of her appearance. From the clothes she was wearing. From her hairstyle. She looked anxious and didn’t want to answer.

“What’s happening? How are you?” Elena asked again. At the same time, she felt that the questions she was asking were out of place. The answer was in the look on Maria’s face. There was no sign of a will to live...

Maria finally replied and said: “Are you still in school?” There was a strange but not hostile look of envy in Maria’s eyes. As if Elena possessed a treasure inaccessible to Maria.

Almost with a sense of guilt... Elena said that indeed she was still in school.

* * *

Elena began to walk towards the hospital building. At the gate they refused to let her in. After she had convinced them she was accompanied by an orderly.

She was greeted by a nurse who welcomed her. Elena said:

“I would like to speak with the doctors... And inquire about a sick woman named Maria...” Elena hesitated over Maria’s last name before she said “Petrovska”, wondering if Maria had changed her last name when she got married.

The nurse took her to a door which had a sign that read “doctor on duty.” She knocked.

“Feel free to come in,” she heard a voice say from inside.

She went in. A doctor stood behind the desk. As if expecting her. He was a relatively young man. Dark eyes. Smooth hair. Carefully groomed moustache. He had a slight smile on his face and bright eyes.

“Welcome...” he said.

Elena began to speak excitedly. She said:

“I came to ask about Maria Petrovska. She is a friend. A very close friend.”

“In principle, we don’t provide information. Except to the closest members of her family,” replied the doctor with some hesitation, while shyly looking straight into her light green eyes.

“But Maria and I are very close friends. We sat at the same desk for four years in school. Please... Please...”

The doctor shrugged his shoulders and pulled out a green folder from the desk drawer. Apparently with Maria’s file. He looked at the name on the folder cover and handed the folder to Elena. He then left the room.

Elena’s hands began to shake. She wondered what was written on all those pages of paper? What was written on those lines… what sealed her poor friend’s fate?... It seemed like she was invading her privacy... She was afraid to start reading... But when she did she quickly swallowed every word. As if someone was going to take the file away from her. Any moment now. There were also lines underlined. With a red felt tip pen. Most of what was written described the condition Maria was in when she was admitted to the hospital.

Elena recognized Maria’s handwriting on several pages. She had written in ink. In sad and beautiful words Maria had described her poor childhood and her experience in school. These pages must have been some kind of diary for her. Also written there was that her father’s minimal wage as a railway worker supported the three sisters and their unemployed mother. She wrote about the torn socks given to them by their neighbours, as if out of pity, for which they quarreled and fought. For the blouses and skirts they fought over. And for the small, outdated and worn out things. As well as for their meager meals.

When Elena finished reading she noticed the doctor was back in the room. She didn’t notice when he had come back.

I don’t understand. What had happened to her before she got sick? Was there an obvious reason...” asked Elena.

“So far we haven’t got anything out of her. She gets very upset when we ask about her husband. We even avoid mentioning her child because she panics. I tried to get more information about her situation at home from her two sisters... when they came to visit. But they too don’t know much about her life with her husband in Germany. She told them very little. She has said nothing bad, not a single bad word about her husband, not even about his family. When

she came back with her child to Macedonia, her sisters thought she had come to visit...”

...Elena remembered the last time she’d seen Maria. She seemed so helpless. Frightened by the possibility that her marriage might be breaking up. She was afraid her husband was going to take her child... But since then, Elena hadn’t spoken to her, even though she had her phone number. They hadn’t seen one another again. Maria didn’t contact her either. Elena thought Maria had sorted out her relationship with her husband and that was why Maria hadn’t contacted her.

“Is there any chance she will recover?... Any chance for improvement?...” asked Elena sounding uncertain.

“As of now it’s difficult to say... No one can predict what will happen... We are doing everything we can,” replied the doctor.

The doctor then pointed her towards the door in front of which stood an orderly, who accompanied her to the hospital exit.

* * *

During moments when Maria felt better, without wanting to, her thoughts took her back to the many distant places and past events she had experienced. They lined up before her eyes, sometimes upside down. This happened mostly at night. When the patients were asleep. It happened subconsciously when Maria wanted to remember the days when she met the man she loved, who later became her husband and father of her child.

...She worked all day that day, like she had many days before, at her neighbour Rada’s house. They cleaned the house and washed clothes. Late in the afternoon when it was almost dark, after they’d eaten their supper, Rada gave her a nice cream-coloured coat. It seemed to Maria like it was the most beautiful thing she had ever worn. She stood in front of the mirror for a long time looking at herself. Then she took to the streets wanting to go to the town square. She couldn’t go back home... As soon as she left her feeling of depression returned. How long was this humiliating feeling going

to last?... she wondered. She couldn’t concentrate on school work and she couldn’t concentrate on a job...

She nervously stood on the street corner. Completely absent-minded. Maybe that’s why she didn’t see the young man on a motorcycle, right away, standing right in front of her. As soon as he spoke to her, in a foreign language with only a single Macedonian word, she knew he was a foreigner but understood what he said. He asked her to help him find the new factory in the suburbs. She didn’t know about the factory but tried to explain to him where the settlement he was looking for was located. He didn’t understand what she said and started to look around. Maybe there was another passerby who could help him. Unfortunately no one passed by. The foreigner asked her to sit on the back seat of his motorcycle and show him the way. At first she was afraid. She wanted to bolt and quickly run away. Then he touched her softly on the shoulder, realizing that he had scared her. He shook her hand intending to move on. He thanked her with his smile and childlike, clear blue eyes.

Maria hesitated. She felt that his smile and childlike clear blue eyes had convinced her to stay. Her fear was gone. She sat on the motorcycle seat behind him. Together they were going to find the factory much faster. It was getting dark. Although she could hardly hear him from the noise of the engine, the foreigner was trying to explain something to her... He told her that the guard at the factory would be able to tell him which hotel room was reserved for him. He would be staying in the city for some time. He was going to install the machines manufactured in the factory where he was going to work. Maria wasn’t so sure about trusting him. He could have invented all this. But by some instinct, she felt he was a good man. Finally she thought that whatever happened happened, she would be able to defend herself.

They easily found it. The factory. It was just out of town. They stopped in front of the guard house. A kerosene lamp was shining inside. Similar to those carried by railroad workers at night. An old man covered with an overcoat quickly came out. The foreigner explained to him what he was looking for. The guard went back into the guard house and brought back an envelope. He gave it to the

foreigner. The envelope contained information on his reservation. The foreigner thanked him. The guard frowned at Maria. Who knew what he thought. Then they got on the motorcycle again and went back to the city.

They stopped somewhere in the city centre. Maria helped the foreigner find the hotel mentioned in the letter. She took him to the entrance. Then she shook his hand and got ready to walk away.

“Wait, I haven’t introduced myself,” yelled the foreigner still holding her hand. “My name is Hellwig,” he said.

“Maria,” she replied quietly and quickly withdrew her hand.

He then asked her to come and visit him sometime. Because she now knew where he stayed. If she wanted...

The next day, not too late at night, she walked around near the hotel for a long time. However, she didn’t go inside. Eventually she decided to go home. After taking a few steps away from the hotel someone put their hand on her shoulder. From behind. It was Hellwig. He’d recognized her in the dark.

Since then they had been together almost every day. Their visits seemed to fill Maria’s life. They brought her joy. His presence in her life was a bit like the events in the stories she wrote. Those beautiful stories. He soon became a frequent guest in her house. He never came with empty hands. But not only that, everyone at home loved him. Was he that nice? Maria wasn’t sure but his smile was always present in their home. A clarity since she’d introduced him for the first time. He even learned to speak a few Macedonian words. He was happy to say them.

But the days, like all numbered days, passed quickly. They were counted like a soldier’s days on leave.

Maria’s neighbours didn’t hide their envy and jealousy. All of them. After the foreigner appeared. They couldn’t be indifferent to her when they saw her. She didn’t look like her former self at all. She was fashionably and expensively dressed. And so full of joy. And

she, when she walked with Hellwig, felt like they were somewhere behind a curtain. Behind a half-open door. People were full of envy. Sometimes she heard bad words hurled at her like: “He’ll use her and use her, then he’ll leave her... He pays her, like ‘those kinds of women’...” Maria tried not to pay attention. Even more, the relationship made them walk past them with their noses sticking up in the air.

Maria herself didn’t know how she’d won over Hellwig. She became frightened by the idea that her feelings for him weren’t just feelings for a friend. How could she survive without him? After he left for home? Did he feel anything more than just friendship towards her? Never in her dreams could she have imagined that a man like that could fall for her... That good kind of man. A handsome man. And here, fate brought him to her from somewhere.

And why, as it happens in dreams, do happy days come to an end? The work which he came here to do was coming to an end. Hellwig told her the last machine had been installed. Maria didn’t want to think about it. At night, hidden by darkness, she cried quietly. Could she have known from the beginning what was going to happen between them? Everything happened so spontaneously. And that’s why she didn’t think about how this was going to end. Things and events dictated everything that had happened between them. She was helpless. She indulged in the wonderful feeling... She’d done this to herself. No matter how it ended...

* * *

The days before Hellwig was scheduled to leave were numbered. Maria was surprised, even disappointed, that he didn’t seem to care. She didn’t notice any changes in him. It was as though he didn’t intend to leave. As if they weren’t about to part. She thought... If he does this in every country where he installs machines, that is if there is a woman left behind, then this is something quite ordinary for him...

They were walking along the bank of a river. Late at night. He turned her face towards his with both hands. He looked into her eyes and said:

“Will you come with me?” in a warm and decisive tone of voice.

Maria instantly began to cry. Out of joy. Out of sadness. Out of indecision. Somehow she knew he was going to ask. She loved him... She grabbed him and clung onto him tightly. They stood there in silence for a long time. He didn’t ask her again.

She didn’t answer him then or the next day. She was tormented by many questions. How exactly had he chosen her? Found her? From all the women in the world who were available to him? Wasn’t this a temporary attachment? How would she leave her home? Where would she go with him? Without her own means of subsistence? What if that step wasn’t taken? Would their relationship break? Would her love for him end? What next? Did her happiness truly stand here, now, in front of her?! Did all this depend only on her decision?!...

* * *

...On the bus Elena couldn’t recover from the shock she’d experienced during her visit with Maria. How was she going to find out what had happened, that was so terrible in her life that had pushed Maria into such a hopeless state? To such a disorder. Going back to her thoughts Elena remembered the moment when she had first met Maria with the foreigner.

...Elena had nearly collided with Maria and a young man, with whom she was holding hands, just as she entered a department store in the city centre. They all stopped. Without hiding her happiness and joy Maria introduced the young man. She said:

“Allow me to introduce to you. This is my fiancé.”

Elena shook his hand. She was surprised and confused and couldn’t hide it from Maria.

When he said his name while shaking hands, Elena realized that he was a foreigner. She then, in a mechanical tone of voice, asked:

“He’s not one of us (Macedonian) is he?”

Where had she found him? Elena wondered.

“He’s German,” replied Maria abruptly. “Do you like him?”

Elena kept looking at him and Maria. After seeing her expression, Maria assessed how much Elena liked him. She couldn’t take her eyes off him... Elena hugged Maria congratulating her from the bottom of her heart.

After they separated, Elena couldn’t believe how happy Maria was and the joy this had brought into her life! Deep down in her soul she wished it would last...

* * *

...Was it like this for everyone or just for her? Maria didn’t know. But she believed that small events on fateful days were often decisive during fateful decisions. Just then, in the days when she was thinking what to do - stake everything and go with Hellwig, or... stay here, at home, with her family, without him. Maria remembered meeting Elena, her classmate, who she greatly appreciated. The only one in the class with whom she’d an understanding. That meeting seemed to have helped her make her decision.

When they met at the entrance to the department store, after Elena’s expression, after how she’d looked at her lover, after everything she hadn’t said, Maria realized that Elena saw him as a great choice. Not only for Maria... Where and how she had found him… The whole expression on Elena’s face left a good impression on Maria. Maybe that’s what prompted Maria to act the way she had. Even to say “fiancé”. What Maria really wanted to say to Elena was that this good-looking young man had fallen in love with her, the “ugly duckling”. Surely Elena had difficulty recognizing Maria when she saw her because her appearance had changed so much. Not only because of the beautiful clothing she was wearing and her wonderful hairstyle, but also from the beauty that resulted from all the wonderful things she’d experienced during those months. Almost a

year after Hellwig and her had become close. Others that knew her, when they met her, barely recognized her.

Maria also remembered that after Elena left Hellwig had asked her: “What does that mean - “fiancé”?”

She explained with a laugh. He was overjoyed that she had introduced him to Elena as her fiancé.

On remembering that meeting with Elena, Maria realized that, that day, she’d already made her decision: she was going to go with Hellwig. It was that simple. She wouldn’t ask him to “marry her” beforehand. She would go with him around the world... To have a life together. She trusted him... He had won her over. With all his manners towards her. Towards her sisters. Towards her mother. The hardest thing for her was to leave her family. And without that they would be helpless.

They all cried when Maria told her sisters and mother about her decision. She didn’t know whether they were crying because they would miss her or because they felt pity for themselves. It was uncertain. But day after day she assured them that she would help them. Wherever she went. She wouldn’t forget them. This would be best for everyone. She would send them money. She would certainly find a job wherever she lived with him.

* * *

That day finally came. There was great anxiety at home. Maria was able to hide her restlessness. Before everyone. One time her mother quietly said:

“It would have been good to get married...”

This was the first time that Maria noticed concern in her mother’s eyes.

“That, mother, doesn’t bind us,” she replied.

“No matter what it is, it’s different,” her mother whispered softly. As if being afraid of “learning something not good”. As she used to say.

“Daughter, I wish you well,” she added. “May we always hear good things about you. Don’t worry about us. We will manage somehow. I know you have a good heart. You won’t forget us. You will write to us sometimes. Tell us how you are doing.”

* * *

...Before leaving Maria gave most of the clothes Hellwig had bought for her to her sisters. He’d told her to do that. After they said goodbye they got on the motorcycle and left. Maria remembered having all sorts of mixed feelings as they drove off... She also remembered the words of a wedding song that described the feelings of the uprooted bride... but she wasn’t a bride... According to the song the bride wasn’t allowed to look into her mother’s eyes… not even into her sisters’ eyes...

When they arrived at the train station Hellwig loaded his motorcycle onto a freight car attached to the same high-speed train they left on... The International Express Train. The sleeping car was very comfortable. Only the two of them in the compartment.

Maria looked like Cinderella and Hellwig like the Prince. Was Maria dreaming? Would she wake up from this wonderful dream? All her feelings were merging. Changing from hour to hour. She felt sorry for her mother and sisters. She was afraid of the thought of what would happen next. All the time she felt like she needed to clarify things. To have a common understanding with Hellwig. For example, why weren’t they going to his house first? To introduce her to his family. To see what family he came from. Where, in what house he lived. Why didn’t he mention anything about a wedding?... Everything was done in a hurry. He just told her there was no time because he had to arrive in Sweden by a certain date. That date was fixed and couldn’t be changed. He was doing a similar job there.

He was going there to install machines and put them into operation. At the same time, she was overwhelmed with excitement that she

was going to see the world. Which was opening up before her eyes. When she least expected it. New cities, new people... And, most importantly, Hellwig hadn’t left her. He hadn’t broken up with her. As some of her evil neighbours, acquaintances and even relatives had hoped. Still, for them, this was certainly not the same as if she were married. Now they would say, “He took her to further use her. To use her to the fullest...” But she left because it was important to her. A new life was beginning for her. With her beloved who was taking her with him.

Along the way they dined in the restaurant car. They also ate the food that they had brought with them. Hellwig, a true German, knew what was needed for the journey. Not a single detail was missed. He was gentle towards her during the entire trip. He was very considerate. He wanted to make her happy. He even taught her a few German words. He felt he was getting closer to her with each new word she learned.

They arrived in the city where they were going to spend several months. They had accommodation in a luxury hotel. Things were very expensive there, especially the hotel and restaurant where they dined. Hellwig took care of all that. Maria wasn’t allowed to interfere.

The next day Hellwig went to work, assembling machines. Maria took walking trips around the city so as not to become bored. Soon afterwards Maria enrolled in a German language course. It helped her overcome the language barrier. She continued contact with her family through the letters she sent and received. Her family had no telephone.

* * *

As the days went by one particular question nibbled at Maria like a worm. Had Hellwig told his family about her? He never told her what they wrote to each other in the rare letters they exchanged. Did they know about her and would they greet her if they knew she was living with him? Why was he afraid to write to them about her? Or tell them when he spoke to them on the telephone?

Whenever she tried to talk to him about it Hellwig would interrupt her. He simply didn’t want to talk about it. On the other hand Maria had such a nice time with him that she didn’t really want to know, especially if it was bad news, she didn’t want to deal with it for now... Whatever happened next she would deal with it as it happened...

When he finished assembling the machines Hellwig showed Maria the telegram from the factory that had summoned him to immediately go to another country. Maria realized that, at least for now, they would live their lives as wanderers. In hotels and restaurants. Things that could be very appealing to an adventurer. She began to tire of it. They had no acquaintances, friends, or relatives. They didn’t spend time with anyone. However, traveling to another country, to another city, would be a change. It would become more interesting. At least that’s what Maria thought.

* * *

Just two days after seeing her friend in such an unfortunate condition in the hospital, Elena went to Maria’s house. She rang the doorbell. Her younger sister opened the door. She remembered her name was Nade. She recognized her. She hugged her. They went inside the house. The sister was home alone.

“I saw Maria,” said Elena abruptly.

Her sister began to cry.

“I happened to be passing by the hospital. I didn’t know she was sick. I was there for a completely different reason. In that city. She is in a very bad condition.”

“The last time we visited her she made no contact with us. And the place where she is isn’t so close... to go often... It’s expensive too. She was in Germany,” said Nade and after she paused for a moment she continued, “as well as in other countries. Maria helped us a lot. She also sent us clothes.”

Elena felt that Nade didn’t want to say much. She acted as if she was afraid of saying too much...

“How are you doing?” asked Nade. It seemed like she wanted to change the conversation... to not talk about Maria. Was she hiding something Elena wondered?

“I heard you became a journalist. That’s a nice thing. Interesting,” said Nade.

Elena was starting to become impatient. She wanted to talk more about Maria.

“When did Maria come back from Germany?” asked Elena.

“Her child was quite young. He was only several months old...”

“Did her husband come with her?” asked Elena.

“No... He stayed there... in Germany...”

“Are they divorced?” asked Elena.

“Not right away...”

“What exactly happened?... Didn’t they get married? They were in love!” Elena was persistent with her questions.

“She didn’t say anything to anyone, not even to our mother,” said Nade then paused and continued.

“At first we thought that she came to visit. So that we could see my nephew... That’s how it looked. She wasn’t in a bad mood or anything. That’s what we all thought...”

“How long has she been in the hospital?” asked Elena.

“Almost three years,” replied Nade in a muffled voice.

“Her husband never came to visit her ?!” asked Elena.

“No, he didn’t come at all. Even when she was healthy...” replied Nade and continued.

“He didn’t write her any letters either... Maybe he felt guilty. When they left together they seemed to be well. She often wrote us. We couldn’t tell from the letters alone if things were going well or badly. We had no idea if something had come up between them and that was a problem. Or if they had quarrels. The only thing is that after they went to live with his family, she rarely wrote. But then she gave birth to the child, so we thought she was busy with him. That’s how it is with a small child,” concluded Nade.

“We need to help Maria,” said Elena. “She hasn’t said anything, even to the doctors... I spoke with her doctor... He said he doesn’t know what made her come back from Germany... With such a small child... If you know something please tell me. I will go and visit her again... I will speak with her... if she wants me to, and if she can...”

Nade was silent for a while. Elena wasn’t sure if she was hiding something or if she didn’t know anything. Elena couldn’t understand the reasons for Nade’s restraint... Maybe she believed it was best that way.

Finally Nade said that Maria had complained to the family about the bad relationship she had with Hellwig’s parents, which influenced Hellwig to change his attitude toward her. Then they got into a fight. That’s all Maria told her family… nothing more.

When she left Nade’s house Elena felt sick. She was angry with Maria’s family... It wasn’t clear to her why they couldn’t find a way to visit her more often. It seemed to her that they were ungrateful... She had helped them both when she was there and after she left. Elena thought that Maria had decided to marry the foreigner, among other things, to help her family. Of course that wasn’t the most important thing. She also loved him. She decided to go into great uncertainty for him. Into a life with great risks... Elena felt sorry for Maria... She had no idea if she would be able to help her...

Elena also found it hard to believe that the doctors had failed to extract information from her for two and a half years. To learn more about Maria’s life... there, in Germany...

* * *

Maria lay down with her eyes wide open. She was transferred to a room with three beds. The other two patients in the room weren’t in a very bad situation. Doctors and nurses began to visit her more often. From time to time she was sent to other rooms where there were no patients. The staff didn’t talk to her about her past. They didn’t force her to remember the bad moments in her life. This helped her rest and avoid the usual involuntary nightmares she experienced. She began to remember even the smallest of details. But she couldn’t come to terms with everything that had happened. It was tragic for her, for Hellwig, for Carl… her little son. She often questioned if she should even have had a child? Maybe in was too soon? She knew Hellwig wasn’t ready to be a father. She felt that it was a bad mistake. It seemed like Hellwig had predicted that this would happen.

...In the days after the second year of living together Hellwig voluntarily proposed to Maria. She hadn’t mentioned anything like that to him. She was very happy when he proposed... Unfortunately there was no mention of a wedding. Not even a mention of his or her relatives being involved... But there was something wonderful in the act itself. She took his last name. She also took German citizenship. Hellwig had convinced her. He said it would be easier for them to cross the border together… and stay in hotels... She remembered those moments with pleasant excitement. She sent a telegram to her family to inform them that they were married. She knew her mother and sisters had been waiting a long time for that. She figured her mother would be happy and brag to her relatives and neighbours. Being married was an honourable act.

Life went on as usual... No change. She had everything she needed. An abundance of food. The most expensive dresses. Freedom to go where she wanted. Freedom to go out. If she wanted she could travel to other countries. Alone or with Hellwig. Who could have wished for more?! Until then she was able to see and do many things that

she couldn’t have done on her own. Everyone who knew her envied her.

She also sent clothes and money to her family. Hellwig was very good to her even though they didn’t have much time for each other. Most of the time he worked late and came home tired but he always found some time for her.