Front Matter - Part 07

“Why didn’t you tell me that you knew that Milan was in a psychiatric hospital?” asked Vera.

“Even if I told you, nothing would have changed,” persisted Dushitsa.

“I think you should be taking care of your own health first. He’s already in a hospital, there’s no reason for you to interfere in that matter,” said Vera sounding commanding like an older sister talking to her younger sister. After saying that Vera felt she was overdoing it a bit.

“You talk like you’ve never loved anyone before,” said Dushitsa in revolt. Her cheeks turned an angry red.

“I thought you had realized that your relationship with Milan, for reasons beyond your control, was already done... And please, what’s your deal with taking Milan out of the hospital?” replied Vera.

“After we met the day he came over to see me I thought there was nothing between us anymore. But when he left again something repressed woke up in me. That’s when I realized I wanted him back, regardless of the condition he was in. I realized that now he needs me more than ever. I can’t do without him and I don’t care how much longer I’ll live and whether I will live or not...” said Dushitsa.

“You’re talking nonsense! Everyone fights to live,” replied Vera calling her out.

“It’s my decision how I choose to fight for my life and for his! Not only does he need me, I need him too. He was the reason for me to live again,” said Dushitsa.

“Do as you wish but it won’t be easy,” replied Vera feeling that there was nothing she could say to change her sister’s mind.

“You have always understood things differently, especially things about love. If I want someone I want him with all my being, without reservation. As for you, reason plays a bigger role than feelings,” said Dushitsa.

“Do you think what you’re doing is smart? You broke your heart and destroyed your life because of love,” replied Vera.

“And I’m not sorry for it. I feel sorry for those who have never felt the power of love…” said Dushitsa with delight and pride in her voice.

“Doesn’t that also apply to me?” yelled Vera angrily.

“Maybe yes, maybe no,” said Dushitsa and looked at Vera. She was afraid of hurting her feelings. Vera, on the other hand, had turned away so that Dushitsa couldn’t see the expression on her face. She then raised her hand in the air and hailed a taxi that was just passing by. Vera obviously wanted to end that conversation and she did. They both boarded the taxi and sat beside each other in silence. They arrived at Dushitsa’s place first. When Dushitsa got out Vera yelled:

“Think about it…!”

Dushitsa just waved her hand and left.

* * *

Vera couldn’t believe how awful I (Dushitsa) had treated Milan right from the start, from the day he didn’t show up for the engagement. I was even more inhumane when he came to see me after being apart for so long, to tell me about his torment and

suffering. I didn’t even hug him. I didn’t say a single kind word to him. He had placed all his hope and reason for living in me. And what did I do? I closed myself, my heart and soul, and rejected him. I threw him out on the street. And now, my sister advised me to do the same. Not to take him back... To forget about him... Not to help him, even in the mental state he was in and the suffering he had endured. If only I could prove to him that I still loved him and convince him that I had never stopped loving him, only then could I bring him back to a normal state of living. Both for him and for me.

“From now on I will neither ask nor listen to anyone. Surely my mother and brother will be very upset when they find out that I’m planning to bring Milan to my place. But, over time, they will accept it. And if his health improves, everyone will be happy.

Surely I will take better care of him than those in the hospital! He doesn’t need to see all those sick people around him. Tomorrow I will go and visit him and ask him what his condition is... I have to convince the doctors to give him to me...

* * *

...Milan couldn’t believe that he was in Dushitsa’s house. When he got a little better, and his mind had cleared, he just couldn’t believe where he was. At first he thought he was dreaming. It was wonderful, a wonderful dream from which he didn’t want to wake up. Sometime later something went wrong and he rebelled. He wanted to know whose decision it was for him to be with Dushitsa. He wanted to know how this had happened? Why wasn’t he consulted? Why hadn’t anyone asked him for his consent? It was horrible! It was a big burden for Dushitsa! He felt he should have been taking care of her. He should have been the one asking her for forgiveness. It’s true that he at least wanted all these things to happen the way they did... Could he have done anything to change things? He, who would have given his life for that beautiful, gentle girl, suddenly, without wanting to, had became her tormentor. Not directly him… But indirectly the character he had become in prison.

Had he been released from prison earlier he might not have been so distant. He might not have been so damaged! But unfortunately he

wasn’t released early like some others who betrayed their comrades. He wasn’t ready to betray innocent people. To write false statements against them. To slander them. To expose them to beatings and torture. To humiliate them. He was unable to lie, pretend, to be a fool by force, to call something black when it really was white. To call something horrible that was good... To be depersonalized. To be dehumanized... To become disgusted with himself. That’s why he stayed there longer and was tortured on that island of madmen...

...Well, in the end, they turned him into a madman. They had succeeded in their intentions. It seems he had annoyed them a lot because he refused to become like them. He managed to maintain his humanity because of her, in order to see her again, to be together with her. He was able to endure the physical torment, to stay alive because of her. All they wanted to do was dehumanize him but they couldn’t. He refused to be dehumanized. He believed she couldn’t accept him if he became dehumanized, let alone love him.

Now, why did that decent character, that pure of heart and beautiful soul torment his Dushitsa? What had caused him to do that? Brought there against his will, to be with her, to suffer looking at her, at her pale and weakened face... To burden his conscience... His... and not his tormentors and criminals!

He saw his medication on the table by the window. He touched it with his hand. It’s true, he lived here. He saw some other things that belonged to him. As soon as Dushitsa came home he would tell her to take him back to the hospital, he thought. He should be there… in the hospital...

He heard footsteps... He began to tremble... He recognized the tiny steps. They were Dushitsa’s... He could recognize them even while sleeping. She suddenly came in. She must have thought he was asleep.

“Someone must have just wakened up,” she said with a smile on her face, addressing him like a small child. She immediately noticed his unhappy look but continued:

“Do you feel better being here with me? That we are finally together? That we’re no longer separated for a hundred years. Come on admit it, it’s very nice to be together. It’s good for both of us to be together,” said Dushitsa trying to cheer him up by being funny.

“I want you to tell me how I got here? And don’t tell me that you need me… That’s all you need now!” said Milan.

“Listen Milan, the where, how and why don’t matter. Be thankful that we’re together. We will help each other. Because we love each other... Don’t we? I hope you haven’t stopped loving me. If you don’t love me just say so. I deserve it if you don’t love me because of what I did to you the day you came to visit me, I know, but I hope you forgive me,” replied Dushitsa.

Milan was confused. Many things were mixed up in his head. But Dushitsa disarmed him with what she had said.

“I’ll ask you once again, how did I get here?” asked Milan.

“A friend told me where you were. She found out from someone. Then I found you. I talked to the doctor and told him that I wanted to take you home with me. To let me take care of you myself. I told him that you are my fiancé. My love. The doctor was understanding and let you go. We took a taxi and we came here,” replied Dushitsa.

“But I don’t remember any of that... I’m sick, I’m seriously ill... I can’t be here! I have to be in the hospital! That’s the reason why they kept me there!” said Milan nervously as if wanting to convince Dushitsa to take him back to the hospital immediately.

“I’m sicker than you but I’m working. You just need to regain your strength,” replied Dushitsa while stroking his hair gently. This was the first time since he’d come back from prison that she had showed any tenderness towards him. He got so excited that he started crying loudly. Dushitsa also cried but wanted it to end quickly. She was afraid she would upset him even more.

When Dushitsa mentioned work, that she was working, Milan’s face began to twitch. It had been many years since he’d worked, so many

that he’d almost forgotten. Worse than that was that he might never work again. But by then Dushitsa had gone to the kitchen and didn’t see his twitching. She brought back a dish with food, which she had apparently prepared for this evening, and placed it on the table.

“Come over and sit at the table, I believe you will like what I have prepared, also be mindful that I’m not a good cook,” said Dushitsa.

Milan looked like he was thinking of something, it seemed as if he was shy but at the same time he was hungry and the aroma of the food attracted him. He came over to the table, though in slow steps. He started eating like a man who hadn’t eaten good food in a long time. Dushitsa felt sorry for him but at the same time was happy that he liked the food. It was good for him after all he’d been through. She gave him his medication after he finished eating. He looked at her shyly like a helpless child. Later, when he fell asleep, Dushitsa lay down on the divan in the kitchen. Her kitchen was almost the same size as her bedroom.

When Dushitsa telephoned her mother to tell her that Milan was with her at her apartment, Stefka went crazy. She stopped talking, like she had lost her voice. She didn’t know what to say. A moment later she said:

“Okay then, this was your decision... How are you doing?”

“We are doing fine. We are both fine, thank you!” replied Dushitsa.

Dushitsa sounded happy.

“If you need anything Vera will bring it to you,” said Stefka and gathered her strength to ask the next question.

“Thank you, we don’t need anything at the moment. If she wants to come and visit she is welcome. Say hello to everyone from both of us…”replied Dushitsa.

When they were done talking Stefka almost dropped the telephone handset. How could they be okay? It seemed like nothing else mattered to her… she thought and immediately called Vera. She

asked Vera if she had known what Dushitsa had in mind, and from whom she had found out about Milan; that he was in the hospital.

...So my sister decided to destroy her life… thought Vera after hearing the news from her mother. She almost didn’t know what to say to Stefka.

“Mother, you should know your own daughter by now. She doesn’t listen to anyone. She decided all this on her own without asking anyone,” answered Vera nervously.

“And what now?” asked Stefka in a panic.

“And what now? What can we do, she’ll do whatever she wants!” replied Vera.

“You go there as soon as possible and see how Milan is doing? Is he dangerous? God forbid, I pray he doesn’t harm her,” said Stefka.

“I have a hard time believing all this. He wouldn’t have been released from the hospital if he was that dangerous. Of course I will go. I will go today but I’m going to tell you, I’m very angry with her. But I can’t give up on my sister! She’s family…” replied Vera.

“Go and then call me right away. You’ll call me right away, right?” asked Stefka with a trembling voice.

“Okay, I’ll call you for sure,” replied Vera.

Vera was really upset, almost frightened, by what Dushitsa had done. Her mother’s reaction added to it even more.

The same afternoon Vera set off for her sister’s place. The closer she got to her house the more Vera felt a tightness in her heart. Her entire body felt tight like it was in a giant clamp. She began to wonder: How was she going to enter the house? What would they say to each other? What would she say to Milan? What would Milan’s condition be like?

“Hello!” yelled Vera in front of the entrance, believing that the higher tone of her voice would help her hide her nervousness. She was so nervous she couldn’t hear if anyone answered.

The moment she entered the house she saw the two of them sitting together like they used to many years ago. They were sitting together as if they had just gotten up from an afternoon rest... Dushitsa got up first and greeted Vera, trying to keep a calm expression on her face, like everything was fine. Vera took out the chocolate candies she had brought for them and placed them in the box that always sat on the table. She then offered them some. Only then did Milan get up to greet her.

“Hello Milan,” said Vera and shook his hand, trying to avoid looking straight into his eyes. He looked very weak. His face had changed. He had aged a lot.

“As you can see, your sister decided to burden herself with difficult responsibilities. She’s trying to take us back many years. She doesn’t realize that this is impossible. I’m a former person. I was a man in the past. I’m trying to persuade her to take me back to where I was. I belong there. She deserves to live freely. She shouldn’t have to carry the burden of taking care of me,” said Milan.

Dushitsa went to him and, with her hand, forced his mouth closed.

“I can’t interfere in your affairs…” said Vera and shrugged her shoulders helplessly. What Milan said seemed perfectly reasonable to her.

“You can, you’re older. She always listens to you more than her mother…” replied Milan.

“It doesn’t matter whether she will listen to someone or not. It’s important that she is happy... here with you…” said Vera.

As Vera was saying this, Milan looked her straight in the eyes as if wanting to find out if what Vera was saying was true.

After a short silence, Milan looked at Vera again and said:

“Terrible things happened…”

“You no longer have to think about what happened. You are now a free man,” said Vera trying to sound convincing.

After he heard the word “free” Milan gave Vera an ironic smile and said, “Do you believe that? I will never be free!”

“Milan, as long as you are here with me, no one can do anything to you!” said Dushitsa.

He looked at Dushitsa with a great desire to believe that what she said was true. At the same moment loud footsteps were heard coming from the street outside. Milan quickly went to the window. He had fear in his eyes and was trembling.

“It’s just someone walking down the street. People do that all the time. What are you upset about?” asked Dushitsa.

“How do you know they’re not coming for me? They always follow me everywhere I go. How do you know that there’s no one out there lurking outside the house right now? I’m sure they are following me,” replied Milan.

“But why would they follow you?” asked Dushitsa sounding a little nervous.

“What do you mean why? First they can’t forgive me for surviving, even though they did everything they could to kill me…” replied Milan.

“But that’s a thing of the past…” said Dushitsa and put her hand on his shoulder. He didn’t react.

“For them nothing is over and it never will be,” said Milan in a quiet voice, which at any moment was in danger of being completely lost.

Dushitsa stroked his hair. The expression on his face became completely transformed. It seemed like his face glowed.

This is stronger therapy than all the drugs in the world, thought Vera and felt sorry for both of them. She became very sad but made an effort to hide it. She then heard Dushitsa say:

“What kind of coffee will we drink?”

Vera became aware that Dushitsa was attempting to change the subject. To distract Milan from looking out the window.

“Whatever kind you want to make…” said Vera jokingly.

While Dushitsa was making coffee in the kitchen, Milan couldn’t take his eyes away from the window. Without turning towards Vera, he spoke as if he was talking to himself, as if he had completely forgotten that Vera was there. He said:

“Your brother is avoiding me. He has always avoided me. He avoided me in prison... And now he went the other way when he saw me at the hospital. Maybe he’s right. And of course he should pretend that he doesn’t know me. He’s a policeman and I’m a criminal.” Vera was happy that Dushitsa, who was still in the kitchen, hadn’t heard what Milan said about Rade.

Just as Dushitsa was carrying the coffee, Milan again went to the window and, with a quick movement of his hands, pulled the thick curtains and closed them.

Who knows how many and what kinds of fears ran through Milan’s mind. How would her sister stand all this, all this tension twenty-four hours a day? Would her health be able to withstand the stress? And how long would she last? What if something worse happened, something unpredictable…? At the very moment Vera was thinking of these things she noticed Milan staring at her face. As if trying to understand what she was thinking?

“You’re very worried, aren’t you? No one loves your sister as much as I do but I’m certain they will arrest me again and soon... And... Everything will fall into place,” he said.

“Don’t talk nonsense. There’s no reason for them to arrest you again,” replied Dushitsa trying not to show her nervousness. In the meantime Milan went closer to her and began to whisper in her ear. He said:

“There are reasons! I’m their enemy! An enemy of their state. And do you know what is an even bigger reason for them to imprison me? So that I can be theirs again! They want me to become their spy, their informant, to spy on people. They asked me to spy on people when I was released from prison. What do you think I told them? I told them, do I look like that kind of person? They seemed hesitant when they decided to let me go. But they let me go because they noticed that my health was deteriorating. Because at that point I was close to having a nervous breakdown...

Milan started to pace from one end of the room to the other. At one point he said, “Do you think they will let me be free? You pretend to believe it. I’m sure you’re pretending right now... But the moment my health improves I’m done. I will be theirs again…”

After they finished drinking their coffee Vera stood up and was ready to leave. Milan stood up too.

“Vera, if you notice anyone suspicious outside please come back and tell me. You promise you’ll tell me, right?” asked Milan.

“I promise. Now relax… You too Dushitsa...” said Vera and began to walk away.

“Say hello to Mom and Rade if you pass by there,” said Dushitsa and walked her to her front door. But no further.

When Vera walked down the street and out of sight she began to cry. This would be unbearable not only for both of them, but also for all of us, she thought. How would she leave him alone at home while she went work? I should ask the hospital to send someone to be with him in the morning... The question is whether he would agree to that or not. Maybe I should have a doctor see him. But then she remembered that Milan, being charged as an Inform Bureau

resolution supporter, had no such special privileges. And no one knew how much Dushitsa’s doing would upset their uncle and brother.

Her mother greeted Vera at the door with impatience and fear in her eyes.

“What took you so long? Hundreds of thoughts went through my mind,” said Stefka before Vera had a chance to speak.

“To tell you the truth I didn’t plan to stay there for that long. But that’s what happened. Some things have a tendency to hold you back. You want to find out as much as you can about what’s going on with those two.

“Tell me, what was it like? First, were you able to talk with Milan? Have a normal conversation with him... How’s your sister coping? Will she be able to endure this… with him there?” asked Stefka.

“Let her try it, it was her choice. When she finds out things aren’t working she’ll give him up,” replied Vera.

“Then it will be harder for both of them,” said Stefka and sighed.

“Harder or easier, now no one can interfere. Let’s see if we can help her, not cause her problems,” replied Vera and shrugged her shoulders.

“Not me, I don’t intend to go and see them. Surely if Milan sees me he will be even more upset. He will also be upset if he sees your brother. He shouldn’t go there either. Your brother shouldn’t go for other reasons too,” said Stefka.

“Milan briefly mentioned him. He said that Rade pretended not to know him twice. He said Rade didn’t want to know the things that happened to him, and about Milan’s current state of health. But then he also said very cleverly that Rade did the right thing pretending not to recognize him because of the kind of work Rade does,” said Vera.

“That’s a good sign,” replied her mother in a hopeful tone of voice.

“My conversation with him was normal except that he has a lot of fears. His fears are ignited by every noise that comes from the street. He is disturbed by every step he hears outside. He’s afraid to look out the window... It won’t be easy but hopefully in time he’ll calm down,” said Vera.

“What else can we do but hope…” replied Stefka and shrugged her shoulders.

“Is Rade here?” asked Vera. She also wanted to let him know about her visit with Milan and Dushitsa.

“He’s in his room,” replied Stefka and yelled out loudly, “Rade, your sister Vera is here.”

A while later Rade showed up in the kitchen and said:

“Mother, will you make some coffee?”

“Not for me,” interjected Vera, “I had some at Dushitsa’s.”

“At Dushitsa’s? I hope you didn’t tell her about Milan, that I saw him in the psychiatric hospital?” asked Rade.

“What do you think she’ll do if we tell her?” replied Vera.

“That’s her business. She can do whatever she wants,” said Rade.

“She decided to bring him home to her house to stay with her,” said Vera. She wanted to gradually prepare her brother for the news she needed to tell him.

“I don’t believe that’s possible. In any case the doctors aren’t going to agree. Not in the condition he’s in with his health... But even more so because he’s an Inform Bureau resolution supporter... I think even if our uncle intervenes, it won’t happen...” said Rade.

“I thought so too, but...” replied Vera.

“But what?” asked Rade and looked at Vera with eyes wide open and then looked at his mother.

“I’ll tell you but please don’t get upset. Dushitsa found out from a friend that Milan was in the hospital, and in which hospital. She told our uncle and then told him that she had decided to take him with her, to stay with her in her apartment. She told him she would look after him and give him everything he was receiving in the hospital. Our uncle objected of course, but Dushitsa didn’t listen…” said Vera with a trembling voice.

“Am I to understand that she has taken him to her home already?” yelled Rade, stood up and began to nervously pace around the room... “Is she out of her mind...? As if she needed that… with her bad health, and all of us! You know what’s going to happen to us because of Dushitsa? We’ll face tragedy! Anyway, everything about him is a tragedy. That’s all we needed! It’s her life if she wants to sacrifice it but she has sacrificed us all!”

“Come on now, don’t be so upset, maybe something good will come out of all this. For both of them. Maybe their health will improve now that they are together,” said Stefka in an attempt to calm Rade down. She then went to the kitchen to make his coffee.

“It seems that there are things in life that are stronger than our will, than us. After her last visit with Milan, after she rejected him, your sister probably started blaming herself for his condition,” said Stefka.

“Or she may have come to the conclusion that Milan wasn’t to blame for everything that had happened to her, so she decided to take this step. It’s a done deal!” said Vera wanting to justify Dushitsa’s action for Rade as well as for herself.

“But Vera, how is it a done deal? Can you imagine how my colleagues at work will react to this? What do you think will happen when Trajan, the chief and every other employee finds out about this affair? They already look at me strangely... Expecting something bad will happen to me,” said Rade in a high tone of voice.

“You, Rade, are exaggerating about these things!” said his mother with fear in her eyes, fearing she was going to upset him even more.

“I’m not exaggerating about anything. I’m not even going to guess what this will do to Slobodan. Eventually he’ll give up on us. Even without our problems he often complains that his health is impaired,” replied Rade.

“My guess is that the doctor consulted our uncle before releasing Milan. The doctor wouldn’t have consented without his knowledge,” said Vera trying to calm Rade down.

“It’s not possible. Slobodan wouldn’t have approved!” replied Rade sharply.

“I think our uncle is especially sentimental towards Dushitsa,” persisted Vera.

“He must feel sorry for her but he must also care for his own family,” replied Rade nervously.

“Nobody can do anything to him now. The situation now isn’t the same as it was during and right after the Inform Bureau resolution years,” said Vera trying to be convincing.

“This is how you always think. You lie to yourself. Not much has changed. There are people lurking everywhere. For money or for a better career,” replied Rade refusing to end the discussion.

“Yes there are people lurking everywhere,” Stefka agreed with Rade, after which point everyone stopped talking for a while.

“And now, how is Dushitsa?” asked Rade with less stress in his voice.

Vera looked at her brother and saw that his lower jaw was shaking and his entire forehead was twitching.

“She seems to be better for now, a bit more tolerable,” replied Vera in a calm voice, trying to sound convincing.

“Yes, but we don’t know what will happen next! Mother was right when she said Dushitsa has never listened to anyone. That’s why she has suffered all her life,” said Rade.

“Ever since she told me about her plan I tried to convince her to give it up. I was there with her when she spoke about it to our uncle. I thought surely he would be able to influence her. He said a lot of things to reassure her but obviously nothing helped. After that she didn’t even tell me that she was going to immediately take Milan out of the hospital,” replied Vera in an attempt to justify her own actions.

“When and how did you find out about all this?” asked Rade sounding upset again.

“She called Mom and Mom told me on the telephone. She told me that Milan was already with Dushitsa. Here ask her,” replied Vera.

“How did she manage to do all this so quickly? How did she convince the doctor that our uncle had approved? And that he’d sent her to do this?” said Rade angrily.

“Maybe she did exactly what you said. But let’s talk about something else,” replied Vera in an attempt to change the subject, but it didn’t work.

“What else can we do but pray that things go well,” said Stefka.

“Go well? This has been happening since the day of the engagement. And here is where she has brought us. To ruin…,” replied Rade and opened the window, as if he was short of air.

“Don’t be so pessimistic!” said Vera and stood up and hugged him.

“You mean there’s room for optimism? I should send the construction workers home permanently. Who needs that house?

Who will live in it anyway, the crows?” yelled Rade flushing with anger.

Their mother heard the last part of the conversation and, after leaving the coffee on the table, yelled at him:

I don’t want to hear any more prophecies of doom. Young people shouldn’t be so dark. Play some music…”

“That’s all we need now, to play some music!” replied Rade.

“Why not? Music always helps a person forget their worries. Or go out with your sister, take a walk in the centre, see the world…” said Stefka.

Vera caught on to her mother’s intention.

“Listen to our mother. She means well. Let’s finish our coffee and take a walk. After that you can go to work,” suggested Vera.

“To tell you the truth I don’t feel like going to work at all but I don’t want to embarrass my uncle. I must go. This won’t end quickly. These torments...” replied Rade.

“Everyone has troubles. Do you think other people don’t have troubles? Only they know about their troubles,” said Stefka and handed him his clothes.

“Our problems are persistent and ongoing! There is no end to them,” replied Rade, sighed and went to get dressed.

After Rade got dressed he and Vera went out. Stefka was relieved.

* * *

It was noon. The telephone rang in Rade’s room. Stefka ran to get it before it woke him up. She immediately recognized the voice, it was Dushitsa. Stefka was trembling in fear at what Dushitsa might say.

“I’m calling you so that you don’t worry. I know Vera told you. I’m still at work. An elderly woman has agreed to take care of Milan while I’m at work. From the first day he met her Milan feels comfortable around her. He even takes his medication when she gives it to him. He has gained confidence in her quickly. Maybe he sees how much the woman loves me. The poor woman is all alone. She has no one. I will help her with whatever I can. She has very little means with which to survive,” said Dushitsa.

“It’s God’s will my dear, better days will come, better days... It was a good idea for you to find this woman. People like Milan shouldn’t be left all alone. Call us more often so that we don’t worry. At least for now. Goodbye,” replied Stefka.

When Stefka hung up, she saw Rade sitting in a chair next to her.

“I understand that was Dushitsa on the telephone. What did she want?” asked Rade.

“She said everything is great. She said she’s found an older woman, a neighbour, who is willing to look after Milan while she’s at work. When Dushitsa decides to do something she does it, I think she’ll be okay,” replied Stefka.

“Last night at work I found out from one of the guards that every one of the higher-ups knows about our situation...” said Rade.

“Well, at least he’s not a murderer, he didn’t kill anyone! So what if they know?” replied Stefka in a slightly higher tone of voice.

“It would have been easier if he had killed someone. He would have received a lighter sentence, served his time and it would have been over. But this, Milan’s sentence, is a life sentence. He will have to bear that cross for the rest of his life,” said Rade.

I don’t know what he did that was so terrible. It’s a mystery to me! He said something inappropriate and now he’s being tormented endlessly? Just because he made one wrong comment? Is he the only one who spoke against the government since this state was created? Let them punish him. Let him serve his sentence. He’s done that!

Why don’t they leave him alone now? Let him start a family. Raise children. Leave him alone so that he can be a productive citizen and repay the state with his labour,” replied Stefka.

“Those were different times, mother,” said Rade with a sigh.

“Why were they different? People lived then and people live now,” replied Stefka.

“I can’t explain it to you now. Get me something to eat,” said Rade wanting to end that conversation.

“Okay, I’ll warm up something for you to eat. Are you going to work on the house?” asked Stefka.

“I want to go!” replied Rade.

His mother kept huddling around him. Rade realized that she wanted to say something but was hesitant. Eventually she spoke up and said:

“Don’t go to Dushitsa’s for a while. Stay away from Milan. Let him adjust to living with her.”

“Are you kidding me? That’s all I need, to go there. I won’t! Good luck to your daughter’s nonsense! I’m not going to pay any attention to them, at least not for a while!” replied Rade.

“Please I beg you, try not to be so angry. Don’t frustrate yourself. You can see how fragile a man he is. What a great man Milan was. A healthy, young village man. And look how far he has fallen now!” said Stefka.

“It would be good if a person doesn’t get upset but that’s impractical if not impossible. I know my nerves aren’t made of steel, but I’ll endure as much as I can,” replied Rade.

“Okay then, it’s true, a person should try as much as they can with a little courage, as the old people used to say,” said Stefka.

“My father did it best. He closed his eyes and solved all his problems,” replied Rade.

“Come on, don’t talk nonsense. It would have been great if your father was still alive! He would have taken care of us. Unfortunately he died and left me to worry about things! I’m getting old now. You should be supporting me, not pushing me to take care of you,” said Stefka.

“I want to do it but it seems that I’m not as strong as him. I’m far from it. He obviously wasn’t that strong either, he had his own problems, that’s why he left us so early,” replied Rade.

“No son, you shouldn’t be saying I’m not strong, you should be saying to yourself I will be strong. My sisters and my mother need me. With my strength I will achieve everything in life,” said Stefka.

“Everything is easy with words. And it’s true that people from your generation are much more resilient than us. I will confess to that,” replied Rade.

“You can also learn from us. Look, we gave birth to you and raised you. Do you think it was that easy for us? Do you think we didn’t experience hardship? We went through an entire war. We experienced the horrors of war. Four years of it. Then poverty, of which you know something. But we survived,” said Stefka.

“Enough talk. There is no end to it. I’m going out. I probably won’t be able to find any of my workers,” replied Rade.

“Rade, again I didn’t see you taking your medication. It will help you to overcome your difficulties easier,” said Stefka.

“Would you not mention that to me at least five times a day? Medication, medication, medication, that’s all you have in your mind,” replied Rade.

“My mind… whatever little I have left, I’m losing it because of you!” said Stefka.

“Do you ever get bored of complaining old lady? I’m leaving…” replied Rade.

“The old, the old are always to blame for everything. We left our golden village and came here to suffer!” said Stefka out loud, talking to herself after Rade had already left.

When he got close to the building site Rade couldn’t believe what he saw. The workers had progressed with the construction way beyond what he had expected. A stranger came over to meet him and introduced himself as the lead hand who was hired by his uncle.

That uncle of mine, how long will he carry us on his shoulders? he thought. But he was glad to have someone that he could count on because his patience was running out.

“You’ve made a lot of progress with the construction! I noticed from afar. To tell you the truth, I’m relieved. My uncle advised me a long time ago to hire someone to manage the job but I didn’t listen to him,” said Rade.

“This job isn’t easy,” said the middle-aged man, “even more so for you who has no experience in this kind of work.” Every job requires experience. The workers must be guided and shown what to do and how to do it. Come with me, I’ll show you what we plan to do today. We have material for two more days. After we use it we’ll get more, that way it’s not wasted or left sitting around.

Rade was happy to see the building process progressing well without him. A lot of weight came off his shoulders. He introduced himself to the workers, discussed a few things with the lead hand and left. Rade realized that it was his own stubbornness that had held him back. He wanted to do things his way but didn’t have the experience. Suddenly he was feeling better but at the same time he thought that his uncle had acted strangely hiring the lead hand without telling him. But then he thought it was a wise move. His guess was that this was a better way to deal with the whole situation. It’s best I don’t go home now, he thought to himself, because it will startle my mother seeing me coming home so early. Plus I’ve had enough of her boring remarks.

As much as he tried to avoid thinking about her, Rade’s thoughts kept going back to Dushitsa. He was aware that he had no right to be angry with her. He should be the least angry with her given that Rade believed that he could have changed her entire situation and her destiny if he had told her when he first saw Milan in the prison. By not telling her he thought he had caused her more damage and at the same time drove himself crazy. Even now, when he found out that Dushitsa had taken Milan home, all he could think of was the consequences. He hardly thought of the benefits. Wasn’t that dishonest of him?

...Is there any chance that Milan will recover? Even if he does what’s next for him? None of the Inform Bureau resolution supporters who served in Goli Otok, and completed their prison sentences, are allowed to return to work. Even less in the field of education. If he’s lucky enough to recover he’ll have to manage somehow.

Many of the women whose husbands served prison terms, because they were accused of being Inform Bureau resolution supporters, were pressured to leave their husbands… divorce them... It appears it’s the opposite for Dushitsa. Rade figured that some UDBA fanatics would be furious about this. But, ultimately, it will be what it wants to be. A person can’t change skins!

Rade started working more regularly at his job. There was more time for him to sleep during the day. The construction continued to progress with less of his involvement. News about Dushitsa, according to Vera, wasn’t bad. At least that’s what Vera was telling them from her last visits with her. Milan seemed to be much calmer and more agreeable. He even helped Dushitsa with household chores.

Rade’s colleagues at work, if they knew anything about Milan’s relationship to him, didn’t show it. They are afraid of my uncle, Rade thought and was filled with pleasure. Of course, Rade was no one important and they could have abused him if they wanted to.

As always, Stefka hoped that things would get better. Dushitsa started to look better and was in better moods. Rade, although he didn’t take his medication, seemed to be more satisfied with things. He complained less about his job and the difficulties related to the construction of his house. Vera had found the kind of husband she was looking for, with a university degree and a good job. And he wasn’t a bad man either.

In time Stefka felt that new hope was born in her heart because she figured the bad fate that hung over her children was finally over.

And then, just as everything was going so well, Rade received news that Milan had disappeared again! In a trembling voice Vera said to her mother:

“Mom, Dushitsa called me on the telephone and said that when she came home from work she didn’t find Milan there. His clothes and other things were also gone. She told me that she thought he might have run away because of something important, otherwise he wouldn’t have taken all his clothes and everything that belonged to him. She said she was sure that he didn’t leave because of health reasons. And she herself feels worse about her own health. Mom, Dushitsa thinks that the people from UDBA have taken him again. She kept yelling ‘Why are they doing this to me?’ and crying. She was crying all the time we were on the telephone. She said “With everything they have done to us so far why did they have to do this again now?!”

Stefka was even more upset than the day she had found out that Dushitsa had taken Milan out of the hospital and moved him in with her.

“That’s terrible news... I had hoped things would improve. The most important thing now is to keep an eye on Dushitsa and make sure she doesn’t do something stupid! I still think that he went somewhere because of his illness... But who knows...” replied Stefka.

Vera heard her mother’s voice tremble.

“We’ll see. We should be able to find something out... Another thing that Dushitsa said was that she was going to see Slobodan this afternoon,” said Vera wanting to reassure her mother that all wasn’t lost.

“Why didn’t you suggest that both of you go together to see him?” asked Stefka.

“I did ask her but she didn’t want me going with her,” replied Vera.

“The worst thing that could have happened to him is that he was imprisoned again,” said Stefka with fear in her voice.

“I don’t think so. I think most likely he’s in the psychiatric hospital. He went there on his own or someone took him by force,” replied Vera.

“Who would have taken him by force, other than the police? I don’t think your brother was involved in any way. I think your brother was happy that both of them seemed to be improving healthwise,” said Stefka.

In the evening, Dushitsa called Vera to tell her that their uncle promised her that he would inquire everywhere and as soon as he found something out he would tell her.

* * *

The days of great anticipation have begun for me... There is no news from anywhere. Milan seems to have disappeared. Like he was swallowed by the earth. If they took him back to Goli Otok he wouldn’t last long. Either they would kill him or he would take his own life. He won’t be able to endure that hellish circle again. I asked Rade several times to ask some of his colleagues in the police to find out if he was taken to any of the jails in the city, but I’m afraid he doesn’t have the courage to do it. I can’t imagine how afraid he must be. He must fear for his own life. I don’t believe he doesn’t love me, but because of me he is unable to overcome his fears.