Front Matter - Part 04

Half asleep Rade walked down the wide street. This was the third night that he’d had very little sleep. The construction of his house was going slowly. The workers were undisciplined. They came to work whenever they wanted. The building material wasn’t easy to find and wasn’t of good quality. But that’s how it was. Things would happen when they happened. The biggest problem for Rade right now was his lack of sleep. He figured that he could sleep, maybe a little, in the police station during the night but he was wrong. It wasn’t easy to be an investigator in the criminal department. It kept him up all night. He had also hoped that he would get some sleep during the day while building the house, but that too didn’t work out. With time the construction job became more and more of a burden for him. He had a feeling he wouldn’t last long. He kept getting bad headaches. Also, it seemed to him like some shadows were following him. He even listened for their footsteps. Lately he had to deal with a row of hardened criminals. The trials were violent. They constantly threatened him with violence. They threatened to retaliate when they were released. Not only him but also his family, his sisters... Due to the constant insomnia, he might have become hypersensitive. All this was hanging over his head. Bad images swirled in front of his eyes. Some of the prisoners he interrogated were violent criminals. He felt that he wouldn’t be able to stop them from their evil intentions towards him and his family. He himself was becoming evil. His work was becoming more and more unbearable.

More than once he thought of asking his uncle to move him to another job. To another institution… But he was embarrassed. He was sure his uncle would say, “I found him a job but he’s not happy and is still looking… On top of that he has no education. He was never good at studying. Let him do this for a while and then we’ll see…”

His sister Dushitsa was also a big concern. He knew that Milan had been free for a long time. Fortunately, Milan hadn’t met with Dushitsa yet. If they had seen each other, what would Milan tell her about Rade seeing him in prison? If he said that Rade didn’t

recognize him, she wouldn’t believe him. But that no longer mattered. If Dushitsa found out that Rade had seen Milan in prison only several months after their unfulfilled engagement, it would be a tragedy.

Every time Vera came to see him, Rade went into panic mode thinking she was bringing more bad news about Dushitsa. Unfortunately the news wasn’t always good. Dushitsa had more and more problems with her breathing and heart. Doctors warned her more and more not to get upset, not to let herself get tired, to eat more fruits and vegetables, and so on. They also advised her to go out for walks in the fresh air. But Dushitsa kept closing herself in both at home and inside herself. From home to work. From work to home. She didn’t socialize with anyone. Rade felt a need to see her.

* * *

I wanted to meet with my brother Rade alone. I called him at work on the phone. I made an appointment to see him at the building site. I had to talk to him.

None of the workers had arrived when I got there. Rade was waiting for me.

“I saw Milan recently, he came over to my apartment. After so many years…” I suddenly told Rade. I was very excited.

It seemed to me that the moment he heard me, Rade stopped breathing. He didn’t look at me.

“He was in prison... In Goli Otok!” I said.

Rade kept trying not to look at me.

“How could you not have known for so long? Didn’t any of your colleagues tell you? Maybe you could have helped him. Got him out... He could have been saved... Something could have been salvaged... Our lives could have been saved from ruin...” I said.

It sounded to me like Rade’s throat went completely dry. He had no saliva. He barely managed to speak. He said:

“When did they imprison him and why?”

It seemed to me like Rade was trying to lie to me convincingly, like he was surprised.

“You knew he was a communist!” I yelled.

“And? So what...?” replied Rade pretending to be naïve.

“Well, some of our communists were in support of the Inform Bureau resolution and attacked Tito, about some mistakes. For deviating from the path of socialism. Others sided with Tito. Milan was slandered by the school guard for being against Tito,” I said.

I kept looking at Rade. He turned pale and started breathing hard, like he was short of breath.

After some silence, Rade barely uttered:

“That’s not possible!”

“What’s not possible? That he was in prison? He certainly didn’t lie to me!” I replied nervously.

“Not that, but...” he uttered.

“I don’t understand how none of us knew about it! Do you believe that our uncle didn’t know? I don’t... But it’s a done deal now! It’s too late to get upset!” I said with a disappointed tone of voice because I couldn’t understand why my brother was behaving this way.

“Why don’t you believe me when I tell you I didn’t know?” uttered Rade with deep pain in his voice... Like he was drowning and was about to start crying at any moment.

“And you know who is most to blame? Me. My pride! My injured vanity. Do you remember what you said when Milan didn’t show up for the engagement? You suggested that you go look for him to see if something had happened to him. But I categorically refused. And in the following days I didn’t want to hear anything about him. I became deaf and blind to what was going on in his life, thinking that he had lied about loving me. That he had lied about wanting us to live together. I thought only of myself during those moments. That’s how I sealed his fate. And mine…

By now Rade’s mouth was completely dry. Not a drop of saliva. Something terrible was choking his throat. Should he tell his sister at that very moment that only a few months after Milan’s imprisonment, he had seen him in prison? He was sure she would suffer a heart attack on the spot. Or she would run away from him! She wouldn’t want to see him for the rest of her life.

No, he wasn’t going to tell her. Once he decided to hide this information from her, he would hide it until the end. But, at the same time, he wondered if Milan had told her that he had seen him. If he had, Dushitsa would surely have attacked him immediately. Maybe she was pretending, tempting him?

“How was I supposed to know? There are many prisons in this country. You know that I only work with criminals. Also, they might have just kept him here in my prison for a while and then immediately sent him to Goli Otok,” said Rade.

Rade made every effort to sound convincing. He didn’t look at his sister. He was afraid she would realize from the expression in his eyes that he was lying. Or perhaps the movement of some part of his face would tell her that he was lying to her.

“I don’t know why I’m talking about things from back then. But sometimes a person wants to know the truth. If I’d known the truth then, soon, maybe I could have helped him somehow. Through you and through our uncle. You know how much our uncle loves me,” said Dushitsa.

“You’d be better off not knowing. Better for you and me, and for our uncle, who did everything he could to help us like we were his own children. He doesn’t need this. Let’s not put him in a difficult political situation in which he could be compromised. If he is we will be too. Even before him,” replied Rade.

Rade felt that Dushitsa was getting upset.

She said, “How can you even think like that. You’re so cold towards Milan. What about the difficulties he went through? He’s your friend too you know, not to mention what he means to me. My love for him. The life we could have had together.”

Dushitsa stopped talking. After some silence she began to speak very quietly like she was talking to herself. She said:

“There is no one to help him. The poor man. No one knows the kind of hell he’s been through. He’s careful and doesn’t want to hurt anyone. He told me I was the only one he wanted to contact, outside of that hell he was in, because he loved me. He could have written me a letter but he didn’t because he didn’t want to hurt me and my family! He knew that sending me a letter would have put me and our family at risk with the authorities… He was also convinced that we stood on the other side, on Tito’s side and we might not understand. That’s why he continued to condemn himself to a terrible loneliness, enduring terrible torment on his own!

“Do you think that I could have helped him during those terrible years when our leadership was clashing with that of the Soviet Union? Do you think I could have done something for Milan? I would have been fired immediately and locked up. All I had to do was open my mouth in his defence and it would have been the end for me. They would have thought we were related in some way, that we had an organization, and even that he had deliberately wanted to marry you so that we could work more secretly against the state. In such a situation, our uncle would either have had to attack us with accusations even more severely than the others, or he too would have faced the same consequences as us!” replied Rade.

“Why would they do that when it wasn’t true, when you weren’t guilty of anything?” asked Dushitsa sharply.

“Not only would no one have answered your question, but no one would have been allowed to ask it. I think Milan did something stupid that’s why they put him behind bars. I don’t believe that it was anything serious. But whatever he did he sure paid a heavy price. Who knows how much he was tortured!” replied Rade.

“He tried to tell me that, now, when we saw each other after so long. He said that they had baptized him an ‘Inform Bureau resolution supporter’. But he wasn’t. He became one at Goli Otok. They contributed to him becoming one with extreme physical and mental torture,” said Dushitsa.

Rade was constantly looking to his left, to his right and behind. He was concerned about someone eavesdropping. The road to his house seemed infinitely long. Every word his sister said about Milan sunk deep into his head and overwhelmed him. He felt like he was drowning. Was it true that he couldn’t help Milan? Why had he been so afraid in those days? Maybe if he hadn’t hid the fact from his sister that he had seen Milan in the prison, he might have helped him! Maybe he would have looked for witnesses who knew him. He could have proven his innocence. He could have proven that he was misunderstood. By wanting to protect Dushitsa, Rade may have contributed to destroying Milan’s life. And hers too... He was really concerned that he hadn’t done the right thing. He was unable to look Dushitsa in the eye all that time. No... He couldn’t have helped him… he thought. The government would have destroyed all of them. His entire family, together with Milan... Unfortunately, this way too they were destroyed! Weren’t they?

“You didn’t tell me how your meeting ended?” said Rade, wanting to know more.

“It’s better that you don’t know. I acted like a big idiot. I’ll never be able to forgive myself,” replied Dushitsa.

“Don’t talk nonsense!” said Rade.

Dushitsa went silent for a moment as if gathering her strength to continue talking.

“Even now I can’t explain what happened to me from the moment Milan knocked on my door. From the moment I opened it. From the moment he came in. It seemed to me like he wasn’t the same man that I loved. Like he wasn’t the one I was ready to spend my life with. It seemed to me like he was someone else.

...I remember he talked a lot. He talked for a long time. He told me about everything he had endured in prison, here in B as well as on the way to Goli Otok. It was too much and too painful! God, he went through a lot of suffering! I began to choke. I thought I would faint at any moment. I couldn’t bear to hear any more. I couldn’t bear to hear any more of what had happened to him. To my Milan!”

I couldn’t even hear what he wanted to say to me, as the poor man was pouring his heart out confessing to me, his beloved woman. He told me about all his troubles...” replied Dushitsa.

“And what? You interrupted him and asked him to talk about something else?” asked Rade being somewhat certain that Milan hadn’t said anything else.

“How would he have felt if I had done that?” replied Dushitsa and went silent again.

“And you, what did you do?” asked Rade being persistent. He was trying to learn as much as he could.

“What did I do? Something miserable! I went out to the stairs and left him alone in the room!” she replied.

“Even now I can’t understand you! You ruined your whole life because of him... But you couldn’t accept him when he came back to you? said Rade surprised.

Dushitsa was still silent. Then, with a deep unusual, serious and worrisome tone of voice she continued:

“Maybe it’s for the best that it turned out this way... I think he also realized that... it’s too late. Why create empty illusions? He is completely destroyed... And so am I!”

“Don’t talk nonsense,” said Rade and squeezed her shoulder tightly.

“This isn’t nonsense... Soon you’ll be without your younger sister…” she replied.

Rade was shaken. He was startled by what Dushitsa said. He turned and looked at her. He wanted to look at her face more carefully. It seemed to him that she looked even paler than before. More frail than ever. He felt a tightness in his chest. He was afraid he was going to collapse, here in front of her. God, how will I be able to live with myself if such a tragedy were to really happen, he thought to himself. No, it mustn’t be that way, he tried to tell himself. They should consult other doctors. Talk to our uncle. See doctors in foreign countries if needed. Sell everything if money is needed. He didn’t need a house. He didn’t need anything. How could she wait until now to tell him that her health had been so seriously compromised? Why didn’t anyone tell him about the seriousness of this? He would go and see Vera early tomorrow. She shouldn’t have hidden this from him. She should have told him that Dushitsa’s life was in danger due to her weakened health. Well, his mother must also know. And his uncle too. He needed to take urgent action.

Dushitsa stood up and walked around the building site.

“Be careful,” Rade warned her, “there are a lot of nails on those boards. Watch you don’t step on any.”

“Big deal, who cares if I do...” replied Dushitsa.

“You really want to annoy me…” said Rade, “Watch what you say...”

“Okay, okay have it your way...” replied Dushitsa.

Rade looked around the building site without any joy. It seemed to him that Dushitsa felt the same way...

“Listen, sister. You should start looking for Milan… Today!” advised Rade.

“You’re kidding, right? Milan is dead… Your sister Dushitsa is dead... There is no hope...” she replied.

“If you were a little younger, I would have spanked you for saying that. I’m serious!” said Rade.

Dushitsa laughed out loud. He hadn’t heard her laugh like that for a long time.

“If you don’t want to look for him yourself, because you treated him badly, then ask Vera to look for him. Ask her to apologize on your behalf. Tell Vera to tell him that you weren’t mentally prepared when you saw him last... You do that and see what happens,” added Rade.

Dushitsa suddenly looked serious, even nervous.

“Let’s leave things with Milan alone. We have already exhausted that subject. We can’t force things to be what they can’t be,” she replied.

Rade realized that they needed to start a conversation about something else before they started fighting.

* * *

The telephone kept ringing. Rade listened to it like it was in a dream. No, it sounds like someone is ringing the doorbell. Why are they ringing the doorbell so early? He got up but could barely move his legs. He felt like he was paralyzed. He opened the door slightly. There was no one there. He lay down again. I must have been hallucinating, he thought. Who would ring the doorbell this late at night? Unless it was the telephone and there’s an emergency at the police station.

“Rade, today your laziness has taken you over, you left your workers waiting for you for hours,” he heard his mother’s sharp voice yelling.

“What workers?” Rade yelled thinking he had just gone to bed.

“It sounds to me like you’re not awake yet?” he heard his mother’s sharp voice yell again.

“You again? Why are you waking me up so early in the morning?” Rade yelled in a rough voice.

“What early in the morning? Get out of bed! Its noon already!” she yelled and went silent for a moment.

“Has the entire world gone mad? I just went to bed. I’m not asleep yet and you want me to get up?” yelled Rade.

“Get out of bed before I come up there and pour a bucket of water on you. Get up and see for yourself when you went to bed and when you should have gotten up,” yelled his mother with a serious tone of voice. She sounded like she was coming up to his bedroom and was going to carry out her threat.

Moments later Stefka (his mother) opened the curtains in his room and the bright sun shone in his face. Rade closed his eyes tightly and quickly jumped up and sat on his bed.

He looked at his mother and said:

“Mother, you’re really ruthless. If you only knew what I went through with the two crazy people I had to interrogate last night you would have let me sleep a little longer. They threatened to kill me. They attacked me. Even the security guards had a hard time stopping them from hurting me. I’m not afraid but… Lately, some such gangsters have been threatening me: - this one will stab me with a knife, that one will empty an entire cartridge case in me... What can I tell you? I’m only saying this to you, I don’t want to tell anyone else. I would like to tell them not to deliberately give me the most difficult cases. Now, recently, our supervisor called us in and

ordered us to travel with a loaded pistol! Even at home, keep a fully loaded pistol under the pillow! And you wonder why I sleep so restlessly? Not to mention how little I sleep.”

“I don’t know what to tell you, son. But you need to finish the house. You should get married. Have some children I can look after…” said his mother in a calmer tone of voice... She felt sorry for him.

“That’s all I need, a wife and children. I don’t know where my head is... You should be more concerned about what to do with Dushitsa. She’s becoming a nightmare for me. She should find someone to marry,” replied Rade.

“What are you talking about, now that Milan and she have found each other?” said Stefka.

“What Milan are you talking about? There’s nothing between them. Everything is gone. There is no relationship, she told me so herself. Right now may be the best time for her to find someone else. Now that she has realized that she lost all those years for nothing...” replied Rade.

“We’ll see. I don’t believe your sister has completely given up on him. Even so, she hardly thinks about anyone else at this point. That’s why I’m so worried about her. Of all my children only Vera finally got married,” said Stefka.

“Well, that’s the way it is,” replied Rade while yawning several times.

“Everyone makes their own choices..., and what you were talking about a while ago, about your work, I know that it’s not easy for you… But I think you shouldn’t worry too much. Those who threaten you are in prison, they should be afraid of you, of all you interrogators, not you of them... Well, don’t be a coward!” said his mother trying to make a joke.

“Coward? I’ll show you coward. What kind of coward will I be if one day you find me stretched out in front of the door!” replied Rade.

“I sure feel sorry for the people, if people like you guard them from criminals.”

Rade felt offended but didn’t say anything. He wanted to tell his mother to call the workers and tell them to go home for the day but couldn’t make up his mind. He didn’t want to stay there and listen to her complain. She would be talking all day. She would be arguing with him over every little thing. If he stayed home he would have to put up with her all day.

“Make something to eat,” he said to his mother, with a displeased tone of voice and then quickly got ready, took the food and left the house.

Stefka watched Rade for a long time. She was worried about him and his involvement in all those things. She worried about him not sleeping… She tried to calm herself down… and started tidying up the house.

Rade became more and more nervous as he headed for the building site... He didn’t believe it was intentional but the job his uncle had found for him wasn’t a good fit. It was slowly killing him. How could one have a healthy mind if they were constantly arguing with irrational people who had abandoned normal life. All these people he dealt with had adopted a negative attitude towards everything and everyone, including themselves. They didn’t seem to care about anyone’s wellbeing. They had no respect for other people’s property and, most sacred of all, they had no respect for human life. Rade, on the other hand, was raised in a home with good and honest people. Now, in this job, he was constantly harassed by these outcasts of society. He had to deal with their transgressions. With their traumas and wounds. And, with their crimes... In the end all he got was threats to his life and health... He wasn’t sure how much longer he would be able to endure all that... And if he complained or looked for another job he would appear to be ungrateful... Dissatisfied with

what he had been given. Even more so now with the house he was building and the loans he was committed to...

In the evening, when he was going to work, to the police station, he kept looking behind him. It seemed like someone was following him with silent footsteps. Following him... At one point someone ran past him. Rade immediately grabbed his gun. The passer-by was just running across the street. He later saw the same person at the other end of the street.

Rade wondered what was wrong with him...

It took Rade a long time to tidy up his office. When the first prisoner was brought in for questioning, he asked the guard to remain in the office. The guard looked at him a little surprised but stayed. He stood by the door. The prisoner didn’t seem to be aggressive but you never knew. You were never sure when one would explode and surprise you. Rade insisted that the guard stay in the office for all the prisoners he questioned that night. He needed help with only one...

Rade did the same the following nights. When he was alone in the office he kept his pistol beside him on the side table near the telephone. Unfortunately that didn’t go unnoticed. When one of his colleagues came to see him he said ironically:

“Why do you need this nonsense!” and pointed to the pistol.

“It’s none of your business!” Rade answered rudely.

At the end of the month Rade was asked to go and see the chief. Rade went to his office before leaving for his other job at the building site. Rade was upset wondering what the chief could possibly want with him... He had been informed to see the chief before the afternoon shift started.

When the time came Rade went into the chief’s office. For a while the chief wasn’t sure what to say to him. He was looking for words to start the conversation. Rade helped him. He said:

“Are you looking for me, Chief?”

“Yes but it’s nothing special. Well, we haven’t seen each other...” replied the chief.

“Are you specifically interested in any of my cases?” asked Rade.

But the very moment he said that, Rade became concerned. He figured Trajan might have said something to him about his interest in Milan.

“No, there’s nothing special. I thought I should talk to you about you having to work the night shift for a long time. I hope it’s not too stressful for you... None of us are made of steel you know, and it could affect our health,” replied the chief slowly and calmly.

“Well, Chief, I have no choice in the matter,” said Rade and sighed.

“I know your situation well and I think you should look for a different solution. You should have someone else replace you at the building site when you’re working here in the morning. Otherwise, if you continue like this, it will affect your health and you won’t be able to do your job, not only here but also at the construction site. You seem overly tired to me…”

Rade was concerned that one of his colleagues might have said something negative about him to the chief.

“Chief, do you have any concerns about my job?” asked Rade abruptly.

“No, I don’t. I just care about your health,” replied the chief calmly, but that didn’t sound convincing to Rade.

The chief stood up. This was the signal for Rade that the conversation was over. Rade said goodbye and left. Rade wasn’t sure whether someone had slandered him or if the chief had come to this conclusion on his own. Rade simply didn’t know. But somehow, based on the conversation he’d had with the chief, he felt that the chief was dissatisfied about something... He didn’t believe that the

chief was worried about his health. This whole thing made Rade feel uncomfortable. He wasn’t worried about losing his job, not as long as his uncle was still around. But, at the same time, he didn’t want anything negative going back to his uncle about his work. Before going into his own office, Rade ran into Trajan.

That’s all I need now… Rade thought to himself. But as usual, Trajan barely noticed him and hurried into his own office.

Maybe Trajan had said something to the chief. Very few people genuinely cared about you, most either didn’t care or wouldn’t hesitate to do you harm. Who knew how much his colleagues envied Rade for building a new house and even more for where, in the affluent place, he was building it. That house was, unfortunately, making Rade’s life miserable. He struggled with many things while building it. Annoyed, Rade left his office and rushed back to the chief’s office. He flung the door open and abruptly went in before he was given permission to enter. He met face to face with the surprised chief. They approached each other on opposite sides of the chief’s desk.

“Come on in Rade…,” said the confused chief in a sharp voice with a slight tone of anger.

His tone of voice annoyed Rade even more.

“I’m not used to being talked to with closed cards!” snapped Rade.

After hearing him say that in that tone of voice and after seeing the expression on Rade’s face, the chief realized that he had to talk to him calmly. Rade seemed to be so much out of control that anything was possible with him.

“I’m really sorry if you misunderstood me. Let’s sit down and have a cup of coffee. You are my most valued officer here whom I can really rely on...” said the chief.

Rade didn’t know what to say or do. Should he give up on his intention to argue with the chief? But before doing anything the chief came over, hugged him and almost forcibly sat him down on

the chair next to the table. He immediately asked his assistant to bring coffee. He then said:

“Come on, relax and brag about something. Do you have a girlfriend to share your new house with? Be careful… with a beautiful house like yours you’ll have to fend off all the girls…” said the chief jokingly.

“The house isn’t ready to move into, much time will pass before it will be ready to live in,” replied Rade.

“I’m sure it will be built in no time... It will take some more work and a little patience. If you need time off work, don’t hesitate to take it. You have my approval. We are colleagues. Let’s help each other,” said the chief.

“Anything that has to do with my house is my private business. There’s no reason to do that to the detriment of the service. I’ve always been against such things!” replied Rade sternly.

“Good, but you build a house only once in a lifetime. I think we all need to understand that…” said the chief.

“You may think so, but I don’t believe others do…” replied Rade.

After they had their coffee the chief escorted Rade to the door and patted him on the shoulder.

Rade returned to his own office a little calmer. However, he still wasn’t entirely convinced of the chief’s sincerity.

The next day when Rade came back from work his mother made him warm milk and fried eggs on toast for breakfast. Rade wasn’t happy with the food his mother had prepared so he didn’t eat any of it or drink the milk. Instead he went out and bought something to eat. When his mother came back home and went to check on him she found him lying in bed with his eyes wide open. She immediately noticed that he hadn’t eaten anything and everything had been left on the table.

“Aren’t you hungry,” she asked quietly.

Rade didn’t answer.

“You shouldn’t be hiding things from me. Are you in some kind of trouble?” she asked.

Rade turned away from her and faced the wall.

“Don’t turn your back on me. Tell me what’s wrong. If you don’t tell your mother who are you going to tell? Even if I can’t help you, maybe I can give you some good advice,” she said.

“I don’t need advisors!” mumbled Rade.

“If it’s that difficult for you with the construction, leave it, let it wait… We’re not on the street. Take a break for a while and then resume later,” she said

Rade was quiet. He pretended to be asleep. He didn’t want to continue this conversation. He wasn’t going to stop the construction. That would make some of his enemies happy.

Thinking he was asleep, his mother left him and went to the kitchen. She was worried. He was oversensitive, she thought. She hadn’t heard him talk about a girl. Time was passing fast. Come to think of it no one called him on the telephone anymore. He hadn’t brought a woman home for a long time. He hadn’t even brought a friend. Maybe he’s picky. It isn’t easy to find a girlfriend especially if you want her to be beautiful, of good character and to be a housewife. The young people nowadays have changed. It’s not like before...

His mother went out again but returned home quickly. She was surprised to see Rade had gotten up, dressed and left the house. He hadn’t slept at all. How was he going to work at the house with the workers all day and then work at the police station all night? What would happen to him? Maybe he should talk to Vera.

Stefka telephone Vera at work. Vera was surprised.

“What happened? What’s wrong?” asked Vera sounding startled.

“Nothing special, just come here when you get off work,” replied Stefka.

“Don’t tell me there is nothing! There is something, isn’t there? Tell me, what is it? asked Vera nervously.

“You haven’t been here for a while so I decided to call you,” replied Stefka.

“Okay, I’ll come. I will come over today,” said Vera.

“Come today…” said Stefka and hung up the telephone. After that Stefka immediately thought of Dushitsa. There are a few things wrong with her… Now there is something wrong with Rade, which worried her. He’s in trouble, big trouble, I know it, but he won’t tell me what it is. How can it help him if he doesn’t tell me?

Rade could barely walk to the building site. He kept dragging his feet. Taking on this project was the stupidest thing he had ever done, he thought to himself. What devil made him do it. They had an apartment, they didn’t needed another house. His sister Vera had an apartment, which she had been given her from her work. In any case, Dushitsa wouldn’t want to live with him and his mother. While their father was alive, building the house made some sense. His father liked to brag about it. He bragged about it with the people he worked with and with his neighbours. But that’s that. Well, whatever it is, let it be. Rade would have to endure somehow.

Rade looked at the workers who had already started working. That somehow cheered him up. But the closer he got the more suspicious he became. Why had they come earlier than usual? Even if they came earlier, why hadn’t they waited for him? Why had they started working on their own? They must have had ulterior motives. To wreck something… To build something improperly… To steal something... His suspicions overwhelmed him. The moment he arrived at the building site he began to yell at them and insult them. The workers dropped their tools and stopped working. They were

offended. They had expected him to praise them, and here he was insulting them.

Rade quickly realized that he’d made a mistake so he changed his tune and started talking to them with a softer tone and kinder words and then asked them to continue working. The workers noticed that something wasn’t right with Rade and decided to ignore his outburst. Seeing how Rade was managing his workers, they advised him to take some unpaid leave from his job at the police station while his house was being built, or at least postpone the building and rest for a while. He could resume the construction later. Unfortunately Rade didn’t want to hear any of that.

On his way home Rade was in deep thought, even more than usual. What’s with these people, they seemed to be in cahoots over something, he thought. Everyone was advising him the same thing. As if there was a conspiracy against him. They wanted to make him sick, incompetent. Maybe someone wanted to take his place. Or they wanted to stop him from building his house. It seemed to Rade that everyone was lying to him... He would prove them all wrong, he thought!

He was happy to see that no one was home when he arrived. He wasn’t feeling good so he lay down. He instantly fell asleep. Sometime later he woke up in a sweat and listened to his mother and Vera talking but it was like in a dream.

“He must take unpaid vacation while there is time. I will help you with money. His health is very important. If he gets sick, we won’t need a house… we won’t need anything. It’s still in the early stages. I’ll talk to him. He needs to go to a doctor and take some medication…” said Vera.

Rade was still unsure if they were talking about him or someone else. His sister Dushitsa had been taking medication for a long time and going to doctors. He didn’t tell them that he was awake. After that he felt awkward. He felt like he was spying on them. He coughed loudly and got up. Vera and his mother looked him straight in the eyes with an inquisitive look. Had he heard their conversation?

They had their coffee in silence. Rade knew they needed to tell him something that wasn’t pleasant. But Rade wanted to avoid that conversation. He knew that if Vera started talking about his health, it would hit him hard. He wouldn’t be able to control himself. It was going to be a rude yelling match. So he hurried to get dressed and go to work. But as soon as he stepped through the door, Vera told him she was going with him because she too was in a hurry. There was no escape for Rade.

“I haven’t seen you for a long time. You seem to be very busy with work these days. I’m not angry with you. But I’d like to see you go visit Dushitsa more often. She needs someone... You’re smart and you can cheer her up,” said Vera.

“It seems to me that after I ran into Milan and after he went to visit her she’s avoiding me. Maybe she’s angry that I suggested Milan visit her,” added Vera.

“Your intention was good. If anyone is to blame, it should be Dushitsa for being so cold to him. She should be looking for guilt in herself,” replied Rade.

“To tell you the truth, I often ask myself that but I can’t seem to explain why she treated him like that. Isn’t he the same man without whom she couldn’t live? Who can understand Dushitsa anyway!” said Vera.

Vera seemed to walk nervously. She said:

“Our mother is a fair person. When she found out that Milan had served time in Goli Otok as punishment, she forgave him for everything. It was justifiable. But Dushitsa, not her; she didn’t do that...” said Vera.

Rade figured this conversation was about Dushitsa and Milan. But then Vera stopped unexpectedly, turned towards him and said:

“I came to tell you something else. Mom told me that you are very tired from working at the house during the day and at your job

during the night. I want to advise you to take a short break. From both jobs… There are small union resorts you can go to. You need to take some time off to rest.”

“Our mother is making things up. She’s afraid that something will happen to her only son...” replied Rade.

Vera noticed that Rade was mocking her but with a certain nervousness in his voice.

“Tell me what mother thinks poorly of her son or daughter?” asked Vera calmly. “I’ve been telling you right from the start of the construction that you can’t carry two watermelons under one arm.”

“You’re making a lot of noise for nothing. I don’t care about the construction… I’m worried about the criminals. Every night when I go to work or when I come back from work, someone follows me. It’s not my health, it’s my life that’s in danger,” replied Rade.

“All this time we’ve been walking on the road but we didn’t see anyone coming after us, did we?” said Vera and realized that what her mother had told her was true.

“Now, in the night, when they see that I’m not alone, they don’t show themselves. They are here, all around us, but they are hidden,” Rade whispered to his sister as he went closer to her.

“If that’s the case why not ask for an escort?” said Vera trying to convince him that this was an obsession.

“That’s all I need, to be labelled a coward! I won’t have any peace from those at work, not to mention the ones I’m investigating. Those at work will think I’m incapable of doing my job, and those I investigate will liquidate me even faster... How are you going to manage going back all alone? Be careful they don’t do something to you!” replied Rade.

With fear in his eyes Rade began to look in every direction and came very close to Vera as if to protect her from an assailant.

“Rade, what’s this with you! It’s still early in the day. I usually go home alone every night. Much later!” said Vera trying to calm him down.

“No, no, I mustn’t let you go alone! I’ll feel guilty my whole life if something happens to you! I’ll take you home,” replied Rade sounding apprehensive.

“Okay, okay, take me home,” said Vera and added, “only if you come in and have a drink with me. You haven’t been to my place in a long time. After that you can go to work. Have a cold drink with me; it will refresh you for the night.”

“Okay, I will…” replied Rade.

“Let’s take a taxi. We’ll hail one on the street,” said Vera, and as soon as she raised her arm a taxi stopped next to them.

After they entered Vera’s apartment, the moment Rade saw that Vera’s husband was home he began to relax. Vera got some juice out of the fridge and they each had a glass. Their next conversation was about their village and how good their life was there.

“To tell you the truth, who knows how many times I’ve wished to go back there, to that beautiful and peaceful life we used to enjoy. Is it possible for all of us to go back there again?” asked Vera.

Rade looked sad. It was a painful subject for him. He had been very unhappy from the moment he arrived in the big city.

Now more than ever it seemed to Vera that his eyes were all wet. She was completely focused on keeping him there as long as possible. To not let him go to work at all that night.

“Rade, what would happen if you didn’t go to work?” asked Vera with a smile.

“What could happen? You don’t seem to know who your brother is. Nothing will happen! Who will dare say anything to me?” replied Rade.

“Let’s do an experiment,” said Vera jokingly and picked up the telephone handset.

Rade looked at her surprised.

Vera dialed the number at Rade’s work and calmly said:

“This is Rade S’s sister. My brother is at my place. He’s doing something for me here and will be coming to work late. It will be late. And if he’s not finished he may not be able to come to work tonight. We apologize for not calling you earlier.”

The voice on the other end of the wire calmly replied:

“Okay. No problem…”

“What did they say to you?” asked Rade anxiously.

“They said it’s okay, no problem!” replied Vera.

Rade was completely perplexed.

“Why did you do that?” Rade yelled at his sister angrily. “You shouldn’t joke about work!”

“I just wanted to know how much you meant to them. How important you are at that institution. Like you said,” replied Vera.

“What did I say?” asked Rade.

His nervousness began to subside.

“Enough with the jokes, let me go to work,” said Rade calmly.

“I just called them and told them you would be late. What would they think if you showed up right away? Let’s play some music and relax for a while,” said Vera.

“You’re playing mind games with me, aren’t you?” said Rade. He didn’t trust his sister. Suddenly he became very serious. He was trying to figure out what kind of game she was playing with him, trying to stop him from going work. Did she think he was seriously ill? Then, suddenly he opened the door and bolted for the elevator. Vera ran after him. She tried to convince him to stop but nothing was helping. At one point he seemed to look at her with a hostile look. Immediately after that he stopped looking at her.

“What is it, what’s happened to you, what’s wrong with not going to work one night, the country isn’t going to fall apart…” yelled Vera angrily.

When the elevator arrived Vera wondered if she should to go with him. But she was convinced he wouldn’t want her. Rade seemed to know his sister’s intention so he rushed inside the elevator and left. Vera thought of calling them at work, to warn them about his condition but she was afraid of doing him more harm than good. She then decided to call her uncle.

“Good evening,” she heard his cheerful voice say, “what’s new? Thank God you still remember your uncle.”

“I want to see you now, if possible,” said Vera.

“Then please do come. Wait, wait, wait. It’s kind of late for you to be traveling at night. Is it something urgent?” asked her uncle.

“It’s not that late, I want to see you tonight,” said Vera.

“Then I’ll come over to your place. I still have my car outside. It hasn’t been taken to the garage. Put the coffee on. I like mine bitter, as you know, without any sugar,” replied her uncle.

As Vera took the coffee pot out she wondered if she was doing the right thing. Maybe there was nothing seriously wrong with Rade. It might just be fatigue. Whatever it was Rade would listen to their uncle more than he did to her. He would convince him to take a vacation and go somewhere. Based on his behaviour tonight he was in a crisis.

If their father was alive, he would have taken care of him. But unfortunately he died suddenly! To this day Rade hadn’t accepted his death.

“How beautiful you look my dear Vera. Day by day you grow more and more beautiful…” her uncle complimented her the moment she opened the door for him.