Front Matter - Part 02

She saw Vera often and sometimes they went to lunch together. Vera spoke very openly about her personal life, about her relationships with men and other things. She entertained her sister every time they met. Dushitsa on the other hand, had no relationships with boys and, in general, her life was reduced to going to work and coming home. Their brother Rade was very busy with his responsibilities. He didn’t want his sisters to be in his company when he went out with his friends.

As time passed Dushitsa slowly furnished her little apartment. When she told her cousins that she was going to leave them, they were very disappointed. But after she moved out, they came to visit her and brought her presents. They even seemed to envy her for being independent.

* * *

Dushitsa’s parents Jovan and Stefka also moved to the city. Vera, Rade and Dushitsa were happy about that but also worried about where and how they were going to live. The two sisters were living apart in separate apartments and had no place for them. But luckily, with help from his uncle Slobodan, the state gave Rade an apartment so he took them to live with him. After they moved in with Rade they tried to persuade Dushitsa to move in with them also but she insisted she didn’t want to. They continued asking her but she kept refusing. Eventually they got the message that she already had a life of her own.

After they got jobs, all three, Rade, Vera and Dushitsa rarely visited their uncle. They did go however when he invited them. They continued to visit their cousins but not at home. They met outside at various places throughout the city.

Uncle Slobodan often went to see his brother Jovan and sister-in-law Stefka to make sure they were okay. He felt obligated for the help he

had received from them in the past, especially with his education in B. By being educated many doors opened up for Slobodan. He was given the opportunity to meet all kinds of important people, even before and during the war. At that time he became involved in the anti-fascist struggle and the revolution. As a volunteer fighter and lawyer, he soon rose to prominence.

* * *

Everyday private life for Dushitsa at that time was monotonous, even boring. In the kindergartens and schools, Friday was one of her happiest days of the week. This was true for the children, the caregivers and the parents who looked forward to spending the weekend with their children.

All the children were taken home by their parents on Fridays, except for this one Friday. One of the boys from the largest group was left behind. The poor boy was lonely and feeling anxious. I kept trying to calm him down.

“I know your mom or dad is coming. I’m sure they’ll come and get you any moment now. Maybe both will come. They must have got stuck in traffic on the road. There’s always a lot of traffic on Fridays.” I kept reassuring him quietly, in a calm voice and stroking his hair.

The window of time during which parents or guardians were expected to pick up their children was about to close. Then I noticed a stranger, a tall young man, appear at the front door. He looked a bit confused, but in a warm and pleasant voice he said:

“I came for Gorancho.”

The boy immediately called out “Uncle Milan” and ran to him. The boy was very happy to break away from the awkward wait. It was very unpleasant being the last one picked up from kindergarten.

“According to the description Gorancho’s parents gave me, I guess you must be Dushitsa, the caregiver. They’re both on their way here from the city where their parents live. They asked me to pick up

Gorancho. Their bus left late and they weren’t going to make it on time so they asked me to come and get him. His parents and I are friends. Gorancho and I are also good friends. By the way, I’m a teacher too but I teach in a school in another city.

It all sounded convincing. Gorancho’s reaction was also in favour of that but I was undecided so I decided to stay with them until Gorancho’s parents arrived. Without justifying myself to the tall young man, who said his name was Milan, I put my coat on and followed them.

“Maybe I should be offended for you not believing me,” said Milan, after he realized that I was following them. Then he quickly added, “That would have been true had I not enjoyed your company.”

“Does that mean you’re comfortable with me being here?” I asked and laughed out loud.

“From the first moment I saw you,” said Milan, making me blush.

“Then we have no problem,” I said and again laughed out loud.

I noticed Gorancho looking at us curiously, wondering if we had known each other from before and if we were old friends.

I learned more about Milan along the way. Something unusual happened to me from the moment we met and the hundred or so steps we took together. I felt something I had never felt before. I felt excited and wanted to be with that person for as long as possible. It was as if suddenly our souls opened up. We wanted to tell each other a lot of things. I wanted to the tell him many things about me and he wanted to tell me many things about himself. Let’s say we wanted to tell each other a lot of things. Was this love?

Milan and Dushitsa met the next day and felt the need to meet again and again. They needed each other’s assurance and trust. Day by day the feeling of wanting to be together became stronger. Seeing each other became a necessity. None of her family members, friends and people at work could understand how Dushitsa had suddenly changed. She was transformed. She became a completely different

person. She began to open up and became more talkative, cheerful and funny. The joy she carried in her was passed on to everyone around her...

The daily meetings she had with Milan seemed like they weren’t enough. They began to meet twice a day. They could barely separate from one another during the evenings. Some of those separations lasted for hours...

They were months into their relationship...

* * *

I ran over to my sister Vera’s work. I began to hug her from the moment I saw her at the door and I almost cried with joy.

“Milan and I are getting married. Soon. We want to get engaged any day now!” I said.

Vera gave me another hug and said:

“God, you should see what your face looks like at this moment! Your eyes are wide open. Your pupils are glowing with joy. Your cheeks have turned red from smiling! Your lips are quivering with every word you say. You can’t even calm your hands.”

After she said all that, Vera pulled me away from her to look at me once again, as she said, to look at my beautiful face. She again pulled me in and hugged me tightly. She didn’t have the words to tell me how happy she was for me. How immensely she rejoiced in my news. Holding hands the two of us left the office. We immediately went to the stores to see what kind of formal dresses they sold in this city... It was as if we couldn’t wait.

* * *

Even though Vera was older than Dushitsa, from her reaction one would think that she didn’t mind her younger sister getting married before her. She just wanted to be happy for her. It wasn’t difficult for Vera to find a boyfriend or even get married. Many boys were

courting her at the same time but she couldn’t to decide who to choose. She didn’t want to establish a serious relationship with any of them. She felt she hadn’t met the one.

Vera wanted to be a government official at all costs. At least a graduate engineer, doctor, or something similar and be financially secure.

After Dushitsa fell in love with Milan, a modest teacher, he became very dear to Vera. Milan had a sad life history. He had no parents. They had both died in the war as fighters against the occupier. Milan had lived with his grandmother, his mother’s mother. After coming to study at B, immediately after the war, he had barely finished teacher’s school. He tried to find a job so he could live here in this city but was unable to. That’s why he got a job as a teacher in a school in another city, not far from B. He settled there in a small apartment in the school building.

In the meantime his grandmother died.

Milan became close with Dushitsa’s family. Almost every other day Dushitsa and Milan went to see Dushitsa’s parents and her brother Rade. Her father spent a lot of time talking to him... He saw him as a smart and well-rooted young man. He could talk to him about a lot of things. Milan seemed to know a lot about a many things. He seemed more knowledgeable than Rade and other young people. The fact that his parents were well-known fighters against fascism and had died for social justice to improve the people’s lives, also meant a great deal to Jovan. He believed they hadn’t died in vain. That a better and more humane world would be built on earth because of their sacrifices. “The whole Eastern bloc is with us -children, Russia, the Soviet Union is a strong force. You saw what was done to the fascists - all the way to Berlin. They crushed them into the ground. Capitalism must give way. Its hooves are broken!” said Jovan after which he took a slug of warm rakia from his flask as if wanting to make a toast. Unfortunately they didn’t agree on drinking because Milan wasn’t a drinker of rakia. He didn’t drink at all, not even a drop.

Jovan had told the same stories to his own children many times but they hardly listened. But he seemed to be on the same page with Milan, who had suffered from the loss of his parents, from the feeling that he was alone in this world. It seemed to Milan as if he was listening to his own father...

* * *

Jovan had his first heart attack after he learned about the quarrel between the Yugoslav Communist Party and the USSR Communist Party leaderships. A few days later he had the heart attack. He never told anyone how horribly he felt when he first heard the news on the radio. He didn’t even say anything to his own wife and children. The Inform Bureau resolution was a shock to him. He concluded that this quarrel would surely undermine the unity of the socialist front. Western countries could barely wait to see them attack one another. One day when his brother Slobodan came to visit, Stefka heard loud voices in the next the room where Jovan and Slobodan were visiting. She figured they were arguing about the latest developments. About the dispute with the Russians. She realized that they didn’t share the same opinion. So she decided to stay out of it.

She figured this was a conversation between the two brothers and no one else.

After that Slobodan left the house barely saying goodbye to her.

Stefka didn’t tell Jovan or Slobodan that she knew about their argument. That wasn’t a thing for her to talk about. But deep down she knew that neither Jovan nor Slobodan would back down, so the brothrs went their separate ways.

Jovan died after his second heart attack. During his funeral Stefka noticed Slobodan feeling a bit guilty. Or perhaps it was Stefka’s imagination. But one thing she noticed for sure was that Slobodan took his brother’s death very hard. He was unable to shake the pain for many days, even months. He visited Jovan’s family almost every day and took even more care of them.

All three of Jovan’s children, as well as Milan, were devastated by their loss even though they were all adults.

* * *

The engagement was decided only a few months later! Had we not decided on that damned engagement maybe we would still be happy together and our love would have lasted. Only God knows how many times I went over in my mind the meetings and conversations we had... From the bottom of our hearts we both wanted to live together. That was our common wish... But that’s not how it turned out in the end! Something terrible happened…

What was even scarier for me in all the days that followed was Milan never tried to contact me and explain or justify what had happened, not even by letter... Not even in my dreams would I have thought that he was so weak. He was probably ashamed! Or he had no regret for his incomprehensible and inhumane act.

I realized that more and more was lost with each passing day. The situation was hopeless. I didn’t know how I was going to live without him, without those wonderful feelings I had? They were now taken from me. My wonderful love was taken from me. Had someone persuaded him to leave me at the last moment? Had he changed his mind? If that was the case then I didn’t know him as well as I thought! He didn’t love me as much as I thought.

It’s time for me to stop thinking these thoughts once and for all. But what comes next? How do I proceed from here?! If I fell for his lies who would I trust...?

It would be endless misery for me...

* * *

The second month of my agony was ending. I was at work. I was almost unconsciously expecting one of Gorancho’s parents to come and fetch him. The moment I saw his mother, I went to her and, in a trembling voice, asked her:

“Have you seen Milan? Did something happen to him? Is he okay healthwise? He hasn’t called me and I haven’t seen him for a long time!”

Gorancho’s mother seemed to want to leave and get away from me as soon as possible. She looked startled when I asked her about Milan. She quietly said that she hadn’t heard from him or about him and that he hadn’t come to their place for a long time. Then she took Gorancho and left hurriedly.

I was confused by her answer. Was she hiding something from me? Something bad obviously! Was Milan already married? Is that why he was hiding? Did he have another fiancée? Another girlfriend perhaps? These were some of the more outrageous thoughts that crossed my mind at that moment!

I was determined to find out anything I could about him. So, a few days later, I wrote him a brief letter. I sent it to the school where he worked with his name on the front of the envelope. On the back of the envelope after my name I wrote the address of the kindergarten where I worked. I didn’t want my family to know about this in case the letter came back. Several days passed and nothing… the letter wasn’t answered.

The uncertainty of what had happened to him had become a nightmare for me. There was no way the letter hadn’t gotten there; I had no doubt about that. If he wasn’t there his colleagues, even the director or the secretary would have answered my letter.

One day I decided to go to the city where he lived. I dressed up as nicely as I could. It was a Sunday. I decided on a Sunday because there would be no students in the school and he wouldn’t be in class.

In any case, I didn’t tell anyone here about this.

I figured I would be able to easily find the school where he lived.

When I got there I asked a passer-by where the school was. The school building wasn’t large. Two children were playing in the schoolyard next to the school building. I had a hard time coming up

with what questions to ask. I went and asked the children but they gave me a curious look. They raised their arms indicating that they didn’t know. I asked them what grade they were in and if they were taught by a teacher name Milan. The children looked at me with an anxious look. After some silence one of them spoke up and quietly and barely audibly said:

“He did teach us but not now...”

“And now, he isn’t teaching anymore? Where did he go? Is he sick? Did he move to another school?”

The children ran away. I heard one of them say something that sounded like: “My father said some people took him...”

“Oh God, did he really say that?” I thought to myself several times. The children were gone so I didn’t get the chance to ask who took him. I began to wonder who would take him. What kind of people would take him? Where did they take him? To the hospital? To jail?

I was frustrated and spent the night thinking about it.

The next day I decided not to go to work. I went to the neighbouring town again. This time I went straight to the principal’s office. I introduced myself as Milan’s friend. I said that I had lost contact with him for some time and wanted to find him. The principle was confused. He stood motionless for a while without looking at me. As if he didn’t know what to tell me.

“Milan hasn’t been here for some time. He doesn’t live in the school residence and he doesn’t teach here anymore...” he replied with great effort.

“Why, what happened to him?” I asked.

“I can’t tell you anything more, I’m sorry. I have to go to class now”, he said, took his journal from his desk and left the office.

“Please Sir…” I begged and followed him.

“There is nothing more I can tell you, that’s all I know. I told you everything I know,” he replied rudely.

I stood in the hallway not knowing what to do. I thought I should ask some of his colleagues but I figured they wouldn’t tell me anything more so I left. Things became even more unclear.

If he was sick, why would his colleagues hide it from me? I wondered.

I refused to believe that he had been detained by the authorities and sent to prison. What crime had he committed? But at the same time I thought of all sorts of other things. I had heard that in those days people were imprisoned because they spoke against the government and against Tito... Because they had voiced their opinions about the disagreements between our party leadership and that of the Soviet Union. But I knew that Milan wasn’t involved in any politics.

I figured I could ask my brother to ask around. Perhaps Milan had been sent to prison by mistake? But then he would say “now that you’re no longer angry you’re prepared to forgive him...” No, I’m not going to ask him... I’ll keep my mouth shut. I will wait. Maybe he’ll call me from somewhere.

* * *

As for Vera, changing boyfriends was like changing socks. When she stopped being interested in one boy she would quickly forget about him and soon find another. And, as much as it was unexpected of her, one day she hastily got married.

One day she went to her brother’s apartment with a stranger and before they sat down she said the following to her mother and father:

“You can congratulate us, Velimir and I are married.”

The young man shook everyone’s hand and introduced himself.

Rade and her mother almost fell over. They were speechless. Her mother then quietly said:

“Welcome, you are now our son-in-law.”

Rade flushed and began to sweat. He looked at his mother surprised. She held out her hand and again quietly said “congratulations” to the stranger.

Rade too said “congratulations” to them.

“Velimir is a lawyer, he works in a bank. He recently moved to the city. His parents live in another city. I still haven’t met them. Something attracted us at first sight so we decided to be together and here we are,” said Vera.

The telephone rang and Dushitsa picked it up. It was her mother.

“Come over to our house immediately, Vera is here with a young man!”

“Why immediately, what’s so urgent? Just because Vera brought over a boy,” Dushitsa said quite loudly on the phone.

Luckily her mother had called from another room.

“I’m calling you to tell you she got married,” whispered her mother.

Dushitsa didn’t believe her.

“Put Vera on the telephone!” she said anxiously.

Vera got on the telephone and in an excited tone of voice said:

“Come over Dushitsa, we’re waiting for you. Come as soon as possible. It’s true, I got married. I decided and I did it. Come and see him and tell me what you think of him. He seems like a nice man. He’s good looking too. Come and see him.”

Dushitsa still couldn’t believe it, but from the tone of her voice Dushitsa knew that Vera wasn’t joking.

Dushitsa did her best to get to her brother’s house as soon as possible. She was quite impressed with her sister’s husband. He had light green eyes, curly brown hair and a bright face. He looked much older than his age. His smile, however, lacked enthusiasm.

Her mother quickly prepared some snacks and Rade bought some drinks.

“Velimir only drinks juice,” explained Vera.

Velimir confirmed this by nodding his head.

It wasn’t long before everyone was feeling good.

“I must say you surprised us all. But that’s good... good luck to you. Now let’s toast the occasion”, said Rade and congratulated them again. But his tone of voice displayed some uncertainty. Rade figured things would work themselves out and it was best not to say anything at this point in time.

Everyone raised their glasses and toasted the occasion.

Dushitsa too stood up and said “Good luck!” to the couple.

After that everyone stood up.

God bring a bit of joy into this house, thought Vera’s mother while looking at Dushitsa, wondering about her own sadness and fearing she might start crying. But Dushitsa looked happy too... Maybe more so than everyone else.

* * *

Rade had his office door slightly open. Not only because it was very hot, but something wasn’t right with the air. It was hot, dense, sticky and heavy to breathe. Rade had no desire to bring prisoners in for questioning, nor could he review their files... This wasn’t his first

night of insomnia. His nights of insomnia lined up one after another... They were many... And this heat, which was already unbearable, made things harder even at night.

Gazing, bored, through the open door, Rade at one point saw a familiar figure pass by... The guards were escorting a prisoner... They had probably brought him there from one of the regional prisons... But, like a shadow, the face of the person being escorted was captured in his mind. He looked familiar to Rade but from where? He was sure he knew this person.

Suddenly he ran to the door to see where they were taking him... Was it really him... or did he just look like him? Maybe he had a familiar face. Rade listened for a while. The guards quickly took him to the second interrogation room. It was close to Rade’s office. Right through one door.

Rade was suspiciously curious. He has a vague feeling mixed with surprise about who he might be... Many and various questions popped into his mind: As a police investigator why didn’t he know that Milan might have been in prison for months? Right here. Next to him... And he was being interrogated... As a criminal! No, that’s not possible, no..., he thought to himself. That’s right! But on the other hand, there are very few people who resemble one another... If only he could see his face, he might be more certain.

He went back to his office. Good thing no one saw him. Who knows how surprised he would have looked... If someone saw him they might have asked where he was going looking like a thief, and he wouldn’t know what to say... He became even more restless when he returned to his office... How could he find out who this man was? He had to come up with an idea. He figured he would go over to his colleague’s office. That’s right... He would pretend to be looking for someone. He would invent who... No, that would be unconvincing... Then he came up with another idea: he would ask his colleague for a newspaper... But, as he went towards the door, he felt something was pulling him back... Perhaps it would be better for him if he didn’t know, he thought. Then what if he really was Milan? But then what? What if he was really a criminal? If he confronted him he would bring shame not only to Milan, who wouldn’t be able to face

him, but also to himself... No, no! It’s best to stay out of it. Let things be unclear... The hair on the back of Rade’s neck began to rise as he thought about this; how many questions would it raise? How many wounds would it open? Just by mentioning his name. For him. For his sister. For his mother... and for the whole extended family... They had just begun to forget about him... The man had simply disappeared... He had disappeared... They hadn’t heard anything about him for months. Not a word from him either...

It’s best this way... It’s best if Rade hadn’t see him at all!

Rade seemed happy with his decision and calmed down a little... He was even thinking of shutting his door completely so as not to see him again. He preferred to think that it wasn’t him. Rade had no idea when the police guards were going to pass by his office with him again... But he changed his mind; he decided not to shut the door. He desperately wanted to see him one more time when he was escorted past his office again.

He began to pace nervously in his office... What a coward Milan is! he thought. So what if he’s a criminal. If he’s a criminal he’s a criminal! Rade soon realized that he wasn’t going to get him out of his thoughts and therefore he had to get to the truth... He decided to go over to his colleague’s office where Milan had been taken... Rade wasn’t on best terms with this particular investigator but he ignored all that... He had gone to his office other times to get the official newspaper.

Rade knocked on the door quietly. He wasn’t sure if anyone was going to open it. He then opened it himself and walked in... The investigator and the two detainees turned and looked at him... The two policemen standing by the door also looked at him. Rade was surprised. There was another, a second person, who undoubtedly was also a prisoner besides the one which the police had brought in earlier... Rade apologized for the intrusion. Then, the moment he picked up the newspaper, Milan’s and his eyes met. Milan pretended he didn’t know Rade. Rade felt his own face turn red. It was burning. He hoped his colleague didn’t notice.

His mind was racing as he returned to his office. How and from whom could he find out more about Milan, he wondered? Of what had he been accused? The other prisoner sitting next to Milan was crouching. Maybe he was a witness... The way they sat near to one another looked like a confrontation... After returning to his office, Rade stared at the newspaper more than ten minutes but didn’t read a single line. Various thoughts were going through his mind... Milan must have been accused of a serious crime, he thought, otherwise he wouldn’t be interrogated here in his ward. It was obvious that his colleague was handling the case.

...If he was truly a criminal then Rade’s entire family should be happy that he had been apprehended right then. During that night... It was a good thing too that no one knew that he was in prison.

Rade couldn’t stop thinking of the trauma his sister had experienced that night... Not only Dushitsa but also Vera, his mother, himself... All dressed in their best clothes. Not to mention their closest friends and relatives who had been invited to celebrate his sister’s engagement... Even now Rade broke into a sweat thinking about that shocking night...

Rade remembered the soul-wrenching experience like it was yesterday. He remembered the long hours that passed when the entire family anxiously waited for Milan’s arrival. But he never arrived. Everyone was growing nervous because no one could even guess what had happened to him... All eyes were on the front door constantly... Rade himself couldn’t believe that such a thing could happen to them. It wasn’t a fling Milan was having with his sister… It wasn’t superficial. He had almost become a member of the family. He was everyone’s favourite person.

Even now he couldn’t escape the horrible feeling… One by one every guest left that night as the family said goodbye with heads bowed down. It was embarrassing... He remembered his sister locking herself in her room and not allowing anyone to tell her anything or console her... Then, when someone suggested they go and look for him, to find out what might have happened to him, she categorically refused! “We will not be further humiliated,” she said.

“Whatever his problem was he could have sent someone to let us know. But he didn’t give a damn!”

Everyone was left with the question “Where is he?” And here he was in prison! Here was, the kind of person who hid behind a kind face that was almost always smiling...

Who would now tell Rade what was better? To hide this information from his family or let everyone know? Should he hide this unpleasant truth from his sister? And from his mother? Perhaps it would be easier for Dushitsa if Rade didn’t tell her. Let her think of him the way she had always thought of him, the way she wanted him to be, even though their relationship had ended so sadly... It would be better for her to know him the way she did, than to know him as a criminal... Then, suddenly, Rade felt uncertain about all this. How could he be sure that Milan had committed a crime? He felt guilty for condemning him without knowing the truth. Maybe he had been falsely accused... Maybe someone had slandered him? But then why had he been kept in prison for months if he hadn’t done anything... If he wasn’t guilty!

Rade soon realized that he wouldn’t be able to hide this from his sister... seeing Milan... But if he told her, he was sure that it would devastate her even more. It would surely open her old wound from the night of the engagement that never happened... On the other hand, at least she would know what had happened to him... Would it be easier for her if she found out that he was a criminal? That she was lucky that fate had saved her from this dangerous man?

Maybe his colleagues, Rade thought, deliberately imprisoned him that night to prevent his engagement to Dushitsa. To save Rade’s honour and reputation. To save the family’s honour. And foremost, to save his sister... But if that were the case, they would have told him. They wouldn’t have hidden it from him... Or maybe they didn’t want to hurt his sister or him by telling him...

About an hour later Milan was escorted back down the hall. Towards the exit... Rade recognized him by his steps. Milan tried to look through the half-open door but couldn’t... It was Milan all right. He was the only one being escorted. The other person wasn’t with

him... Milan was accompanied by only one policeman. The other prisoner, it would appear, was also in custody here in this prison and the other policeman naturally escorted him to the basement.

Rade stood there immobile for a long time. He had no idea how much time had passed. He struggled hard to listen and determine when his colleague, Investigator Trajan, was going to come out of his office so that he could have a word with him. He didn’t return his newspaper hoping he would come and look for it. Rade wanted to learn more about Milan. Finally he heard Trajan’s door close. Trajan always closed his door the same way; silently. Rade could hear his footsteps approaching.

What if Trajan knew that Milan had been dating his younger sister and was planning to marry her? Surely then he knew that Rade was pretending not to know Milan. Rade stepped out of his office, locked his door and began to walk beside Trajan. Rade laughed, implying that it was only a coincidence that he had walked out of his office at the same time as Trajan. Trajan wasn’t very friendly. He didn’t seem to be in the mood for talking.

Rade couldn’t stand the silence so he spoke up and, in a low and strangled voice, said:

“I think I know the young man who you interrogated today.”

“You’d best not know him,” replied Trajan after some silence. His tone of voice made it clear to Rade that he wasn’t interested in continuing this conversation.

Rade was surprised by his response but wasn’t about to give up. Now he was even more intrigued and excited to know more.

“Is he a dangerous criminal? And so young…” said Rade.

Trajan was silent. He didn’t seem to want to talk. After some silence he said:

“He’s in a worse situation. It has nothing to do with being a criminal.”

“How so?” asked Rade.

“Someone brainwashed him. It seems he prefers Stalin over Tito.”

Rade couldn’t believe what he’d heard. He was now completely confused.

“You mean to tell me he is in support of the Informburo?” he said without thinking.

“Exactly that,” replied Trajan.

So why did they give him to you? Don’t you just work with criminals?” asked Rade.

“You ask a lot of questions… They only brought him here because of an altercation. The other guy who was with me, the old one, he’s a criminal. They had an altercation.

“Him?” remarked Rade.

Rade figured they must have promised the old man a milder sentence, or pressured him to do it. It had been five months since Milan had been imprisoned, what altercation? Five months had passed since Milan disappeared.

Unfortunately now Rade was facing a new impasse. An even a harder one. More complicated. He mustn’t let Trajan know that he really knew Milan. Because if Trajan found out that Milan was a close friend of his family it would bring difficulties for Rade. Trajan would surely slander him because, above all, he had hidden the fact that he knew Milan! He had hidden the fact that Milan was going to be part of Rade’s family. Trajan could even make up whatever he wanted to slander Rade! And like Rade’s mother used to say, “evil never comes alone… (It brings more evil.)”

Rade figured if he continued to walk side by side with Trajan and talk about Milan, Trajan might get suspicious so he decided to go another way... They parted company.

Rade was becoming even more anxious... Restless... At first he was relieved that Milan, who would have been his brother-in-law now, wasn’t a criminal. Politics, however, are something else. Rade felt much better that Milan hadn’t skipped the engagement on his own. They had detained him on the same day that the engagement was to take place. Rade recalled that the night before the engagement Milan was with them until late at night.

...Why had Milan gone through that nonsense telling people about his personal political beliefs...? Maybe he said something to that effect to someone or someone overheard him and reported him... Surely he had confided in someone... Perhaps he’d said something in front of his students, or in front of one of his colleagues? Had he spoken about it to a colleague surely they would have advised him to keep his mouth shut... But as far as Rade knew, Milan had never mentioned such a thing to anyone... Certainly not to Dushitsa. Didn’t he realize how delicate this whole situation was...? How dangerous it was? Not only for himself but also for Dushitsa. She too would have been implicated. Rade wondered why she hadn’t been summoned for questioning. Maybe for Rade’s sake because he worked for the police, or because of his uncle... They suspected everyone... They didn’t trust anyone. Rade was well-aware that he was a small fish in a huge police pond...

...Only with his uncle’s help could Rade find out why his family hadn’t come under attack after Milan was arrested... It wouldn’t be a surprise to Rade if his uncle had actually consented to Milan’s arrest just before the engagement... Rade was trying to remember if his had uncle looked surprised when Milan didn’t arrive… But who could remember after so many months? If indeed his uncle had consented to Milan’s arrest before the engagement, didn’t he realize that he would ruin not only Milan’s life but also Dushitsa’s, for whom he seemed to care very much...? Didn’t he realize that Milan was the love of Dushitsa’s life? On the other hand, Rade didn’t believe that his uncle, who was in one of the highest political positions in the country, couldn’t prevent Milan’s arrest... He could have unless, of course, Milan had openly spoken to a wide audience about the Inform Bureau Resolution, at one of the meetings he attended. He might not have discussed the entire subject but he

might have been asked who he favoured Tito or Stalin. People might have been asked individually whether they were for or against the resolution. If he had done that then neither his uncle nor God could have saved him! If Rade’s uncle were to intervene in such a case he too would have been imprisoned along with him... If Milan publicly agreed with the Inform Bureau’s criticisms against our Central Committee then, certainly, he would have been arrested and imprisoned. Maybe Rade’s uncle decided to imprison Milan before he married Dushitsa to save the family… so that the family wouldn’t have to suffer because of him if his relationship between him and Dushitsa became official.

The closer Rade came to his home, the slower he walked. He decided to stop at a nearby bar. He felt he couldn’t go home with all the stuff boiling in his head. He sat at one of the farthest tables hoping no one would join him. After his second glass of rakia, several questions popped into his mind.

One of the most difficult questions he was facing was whether to tell his sister or not? If he told her, she might do something reckless. She might run to the police to look for Milan and argue with them about his arrest. She might put pressure on the police and on her uncle to release him... This would be very bad for the entire family. Mostly for her. She would put herself in danger... And Rade too might lose his job... Out of love and disappointment, Dushitsa might say something about the resolution, even worse, she might support it to prove her love for him, even though she knew very little about it. She might do that in hopes of being arrested so that she could be closer to him. By doing so she might feel she was expressing her love for him. But if they arrested her, Rade wouldn’t be able to work with the police, not even a single day. Surely Rade would oppose her arrest and if he did, he too would be arrested and imprisoned... As a result, the entire family would suffer... We couldn’t expect our uncle, who is a top official in this government, to intervene on our behalf in this kind of situation. He just couldn’t and if he did there would surely be consequences, he was part of the top ten officials of the state! All that was happening regarding the resolution was a result of decisions made by the highest part of government in the country. People had been arrested and disappeared as a result of the decisions made right at the very top of our government.

Rade was certain that his sister Dushitsa wouldn’t believe him if he told her that their uncle wasn’t able to prevent Milan’s imprisonment... What would Dushitsa think of her uncle, her father’s brother, if he didn’t intervene in her beloved’s imprisonment? What had Milan done that was so wrong for him to be taken away from her just when she was the happiest? How could her uncle let her suffer like that with a broken heart? And of all the times he could have allowed Milan to be arrested why was it done at a crucial moment in her life, during her engagement. Why had he let her experience all that shame and humiliation in front of so many people... In front of the entire family! How could he have been so cruel and not care? Why hadn’t he told her about the arrest all this time? Dushitsa unfortunately would care only about what was most important to her, Milan. She wouldn’t understand the kind of shadow this would cast on her uncle’s political reputation, and how this would endanger him personally...

Rade’s head was hurting from all these conflicting thoughts running through it and felt like it was about to explode. Several times he regretted inquiring about the prisoner who had been escorted down the hall in front of the half-open door of his office and finding out that indeed it was Milan... He regretted asking Trajan about him... And now he had entangled himself in a situation from which he didn’t know how to escape. He was also well-aware that he might have tipped off Trajan about his relationship with Milan and if Trajan investigated him and found out all the details, he might turn them against him. Trajan might use this information against Rade when he attempted to advance his career. He might even want to prove himself loyal to the government and turn Rade in. Even if Trajan had reported that Rade was interested in Milan but he pretended he didn’t know him, especially if it was found out that he had almost married his sister, that would raise a lot of suspicion and surely would have consequences. And what if the authorities discovered that Rade and Milan were friends? So, go ahead and prove to them why you didn’t tell all this to your colleague Trajan, if you weren’t guilty of something? If you weren’t hiding something! Maybe you and Milan were like-minded? Maybe you belonged to the same organization working to overthrow the state government? Only UDBA’s vigilance prevented you from taking further action.

You, Rade, because you’re employed by the police, you figured you could use your power as a policeman to mask those illegal things that you and Milan were involved in...

....Guilty or not Rade, they would beat you to pulp. You would have nothing to admit and they would beat you more because they’d think you were hiding something or that you were lying. They would ask you questions like “So, who else is in the Organization with you? Who is in charge of it? What actions did you plan without Milan? Did Milan’s arrest prevent you from carrying out those actions?” In a word, your life is over... Rade felt a tightness in his throat... The next glass of rakia didn’t help him much...

If Rade was going to tell anyone he figured it was best to tell Vera, his older sister. She had a strong character and if she would agree not to talk it would be their secret. Or they would agree to act like nothing had happened. But then Rade decided he wasn’t going to tell her either. Vera couldn’t keep a secret. If Vera didn’t tell Dushitsa surely she would tell their mother, and then their mother for sure would tell Dushitsa. Their mother would want to comfort her and tell her that Milan still loved her, but for some other reason he couldn’t call her to explain what had happened to him.

Rade now figured that the best thing to do was tell no one. He decided to follow Milan’s case on his own as much as possible and find out what would happen to Milan next... That seemed to him the safest way to go. The closer he got to his home, the closer he came to this decision. He knew that it wouldn’t be easy to hide the truth but decided to hide it from his loved ones anyway...

* * *

Around the same time, Rade, along with a top politician, was given a site to build a house. The houses needed to be almost next to one another. Rade was the only one who could deal with the construction but he needed to make changes to his job. He petitioned his supervisor to allow him to spend most of his time working the night shift. His boss immediately agreed because not many officers wanted to work at night; they found it difficult. They could hardly wait for Rade to relieve them; Rade going to work at night instead of

them. Rade was well-aware of the effort it would take on his part. Not to sleep at night but spend most of his nights interrogating serious criminals. During the day, no matter how much he worked, he was unable to do much. Things moved slowly because he had to purchase materials for the construction, wait for their delivery, hire workers and be by their side to supervise them.