BEGINNING - Part 02

constantly greeted me. They were amazed at the courage of this 18-year-old who worked and suffered for the rights of the Macedonian people. I am never willing to compromise that! I have always admired the work of the greats such as Gotse Delchev, Dame Gruev, Giorche Petrov, Nikola Karev, Yane Sandanski and other Macedonian sons and daughters who died for the Macedonian cause trying to liberate the Macedonian people from Turkish slavery. I am an admirer of Orche and the Solun assassins who gave their lives for the Macedonian cause by becoming suicide bombers and dying in the name of IMRO and in the name of the Macedonian people. I hate traitors! How could I then myself become one? I could not sleep at night because my conscience was bothering me for agreeing to secretly meet with Ivanov. One night I decided that in the morning I was going to tell him that I was going to quit, that I did not want to be a traitor. Unfortunately the following couple of times we met I did not have the courage or the opportunity to tell him. After that we met at the Department of Education in Petrich in the chief’s office. When he asked me to meet Lile Turnovo, Ivanov had given me a book to read written by two Soviet colonels, with whose names I was not familiar. The title of the book was “Tainstveniot patnik” (The secretive traveler). Waiting in the office was another State Security “friend” whom I knew as a fellow citizen from Petrich. His name was Toma Shopov. After we sat down Ivanov asked me if I had read the book and if I had met with the girl. I told him that I had read the book, but the girl - I had not yet met. He said that before we begin discussing the book I needed to know that he would be away from Petrich for a month and in his absence I would be reporting to Comrade Shopov. I don’t know where the courage came from, but exactly at that moment I said: “Here is your book and from now on I will not meet with you, Comrade Shopov, or any other State Security agent!” The two “Comrades” looked at me with wide eyes, not believing what they had heard and found it difficult to accept what I had just said. “Don’t joke with us!” said Ivanov. “I am not joking!” I replied in a serious tone of voice. “Are you serious?” asked Ivanov. “Yes I am!” I said sharply. “And who did you tell about our meeting with you? Who advised you to stop meeting with us?” asked Ivanov. “No one! It was my own decision and it’s final!” I replied. “Have you lost your mind?” asked Ivanov. “Did you ever think about the consequences of your decision? Do you know what will happen to you now? You are going to jail!” threatened Ivanov. “Do what you want with me!” I said. “I can’t do what you are asking me to do. I don’t have the stomach for it!”

After hearing that, the two agents became angry and began to yell and shake their fists at me, threatening to beat me. I kept quiet and in a calm voice I reminded them that violence would not get them anywhere with me, I was not afraid of them. I said, “If I have no desire to do something, no one and nothing in the world can make me do it!” “Leave! Get lost you scoundrel!” shouted Ivanov. So I stood up, opened the door and without saying a word, calmly walked out of the office and left for home. So, this is how my ill-conceived relationship with the Security Agency ended. In the beginning I thought that if I had a link with them it would helpful to my work. That I would be able to find out things about the real Macedonians and be able to warn them when there was a threat of danger. Unfortunately during those two and a half months I spent meeting with the agents I experienced many sleepless nights and came to the conclusion that the life of this Macedonian activist fighting for the rights of his Macedonian brothers and sisters and also working for the State Security Services would be extremely complicated for which I felt I was not cut out. Disassociating myself from the State Security Agency gave me peace of mind and I began to sleep normally and without fear, even though I knew that agents constantly followed me. They even followed me during my evenings out with my girlfriend. But all that was much easier on me than being bound to the enemy of the Macedonian people. In other words, I was happy with who I was and with what I did, especially with my strong love for Macedonia and for the Macedonian people. I was satisfied that I was able get out of the betrayal business and managed to not only save my sanity but to keep my name clean and untainted for the rest of my life! But to achieve all this, I still had to make more sacrifices, deprive myself of many things and suffer a lot; - which I will describe in the next part of my humble but true autobiography.