Front Matter - Part 06

“Rade, yesterday you said you found people at work annoying. You also said the workers who are building your house are annoying. All this is slowly weakening your health and you aren’t even aware of it. And your uncle too, be it his children or his work. That causes nervousness and stress. Both of you think about what I’ve just said. In my opinion, you both need to take something,” said the doctor.

“It’s clear to us that when we’re done here we aren’t leaving without a prescription for some sort of medication. We thought we should consult you about it but now I’m glad we did. Admittedly, I’m convinced it was a good idea to get some good advice from a friend. Rade, I think you should also heed this well-meaning advice,” said Slobodan.

But instead of writing a prescription, the doctor opened one of his cupboards and took out two bottles of pills. Without telling them anything, he handed them one bottle each.

Take one pill in the morning and one in the evening. And now let’s have some coffee,” said the doctor.

“Oh I’m sorry doctor, we have no time for coffee, we have things to do. Rade is building a house, it’s not a joke,” said Slobodan, extended his hand and shook hands with the doctor.

“Then let’s all get back to work!” replied the doctor and stood up.

They said their goodbyes and left. Riding in the taxi Rade could hardly refrain from telling his uncle how angry he was with him, that he didn’t feel he needed pills to calm himself down, and that he didn’t believe he had a need to take pills. But he said nothing.

Rade reached his destination first. When he got out of the taxi Slobodan opened the window and yelled:

“You should trust my friend. From now on he’ll be your friend too. See you soon…”

Right after he went inside his house Rade went to bed and lay down. His mother wasn’t home. In her absence he had a chance to calm down a little and reflect on the things that had transpired in the last couple of days. They must have seen something unusual in me because all of a sudden everyone became concerned about my health - he thought. Not to be fooled... but something must have happened to me which I hadn’t notice, but everyone else noticed – he thought. He opened the bottle of pills and took one.

Rade didn’t remember ever taking a pill in his life. He was always healthy and now all of a sudden this... He thought of talking to Vera but what could she tell him? Would his uncle have taken him to the doctor and allowed him to take tranquilizers unnecessarily? Perhaps not. But he could be playing him. The reason that Slobodan took a bottle of pills for himself could be part of the same game.

“Come on out, lunch is ready,” he heard his mother’s voice calling. “Where did you disappear so fast this morning?” she asked. Rade wondered how his mother had gotten into the house when she returned without him hearing her. Maybe he’d fallen asleep for a while.

“You know how my uncle is. He always finds things for me to do. It seems like he has run out of things to do at his own job so he took me to see his doctor friend again. You know the one I told you about who we went to see at his home on our way to the village. He got me out of bed early this morning so that we could go and see his doctor friend. He said he couldn’t sleep all night last night. He was very nervous. And of course a doctor is a doctor. He patted us both

on the back, gave us a bottle of pills each and told us to take them,” replied Rade.

“If the doctor tells you to, son, then you must take them,” said Stefka and as much as she wanted to, she couldn’t hide her concern for him. Her voice betrayed her.

“You people are all strange! You seem to want to make me from healthy to sick by fear and by force. If you’re all so concerned about me then I’ll take those damn pills. But if I get sick from them, who will cure me then?” replied Rade.

“Well, now I’ve heard everything; someone getting sick from taking medication given by a doctor? And that doctor, like you said, is a very good friend of your uncle’s. And even more than that, he gave the same pills to your uncle. Enough nonsense let’s have some lunch. Maybe Vera will come later. She finishes work late, we can’t wait for her…” said Stefka.

“Why don’t you invite Dushitsa over?” asked Rade.

“I’ve called her many times!” said Stefka sounding bitter.

“When does she finish work? I’ll go and see her today!” replied Rade.

“Go and see her. I don’t know why that girl has become this way,” said Stefka.

“She only broke up with her boyfriend… No big deal. Married people with children nowadays break up every day,” replied Rade.

“That’s right. But she doesn’t want to surrender… When do you plan to continue with the house construction?” asked Stefka.

When his mother asked him about the house Rade raised his eyebrows and sighed. When she saw him do that she said:

“Okay, okay, don’t get upset now; take some rest for a while.”

“How much is a while? The building is waiting for me. The longer I delay the worse for me. The neighbours will steal my material. Half of it has already disappeared so far,” replied Rade.

“You’re the one that’s strange, son. Who has the guts to steal from you here?” said Stefka.

“Go out there during the night then you’ll see. I don’t want to go because if I catch someone stealing I’ll have to kill them. And I assure you that the workers themselves also steal. Everyone who has done a building project has told me that,” replied Rade.

“And you believe them?” asked his mother.

“And why shouldn’t I believe them? I’m not going to count bricks or iron bars every day. They take the building materials regardless if they’re doing work or not. The building material disappears,” said Rade nervously.

“Rade, since when did you become like this, I don’t know you any more. You seem to doubt everyone. You accuse people of things for which you have no evidence. What does that look like to you? Think about it and come to your senses,” replied Stefka speaking quietly.

“Oh, you think I’m making things up? These things just come to my mind? Do you think I’m crazy?” said Rade sarcastically.

“He then looked at his mother. When he noticed the painful look on her face he said:

“Okay then, you didn’t say exactly that but you did say something similar. Let me see now, soon you’ll be saying that the prisoners, criminals and murderers, that I keep in prison, are innocent. They’re lambs. Is that what you think, mother? That I don’t know what I’m doing? Okay then, if you think that way… Maybe I should quit everything here and go back to the village. I’ll become a shepherd or a civil guard. It won’t be so bad for me, right?”

They ate their lunch in silence. His mother didn’t know how to continue the conversation. Fortunately Vera came home early. The

atmosphere changed. But right after she got there Rade began to complain. He said:

“Why didn’t you go and get Dushitsa and bring her here with you?”

“Do you think it’s so easy to bring Dushitsa here? She has everything worked out except for leaving home,” replied Vera.

“Has she been to a doctor recently? Your uncle took me to a doctor today for a nervous disorder. Maybe it was your idea?” said Rade.

“What doctor, what are you talking about?” replied Vera making an effort to pretend that she knew nothing about it.

“Okay then, you know, maybe I really do need that kind of doctor! Wherever it is, I’ll lose my mind. Or... I’ll be rescued by one of my ‘dear prisoners’…” said Rade.

“Every time I see you lately, I leave with all kinds of fears. Please change the subject. Say something nice. For example, say that you met a beautiful new woman or something like that... You constantly focus on your work and because you work with broken people, you seem to feel that you’re broken,” replied Vera.

“Okay, okay, I will change. Then you’ll have a good brother and as the people say – everything will be milk and honey…. Something else weighs on me a lot more - Dushitsa. We’re all guilty for Dushitsa’s condition. I am the guiltiest of all!” said Rade.

Vera looked at him, this time with real fear on her face. He now seemed to want to find a new cause for his suffering.

“What now, that’s all we’re missing!” Vera yelled out loud, looked away and added, “now he’s guilty for Dushitsa’s fate! We would love to hear his explanation!”

“First, on the evening of her engagement I shouldn’t have listened to Dushitsa. I should have immediately gone to find out what had happened to Milan. I shouldn’t have listened to Dushitsa even though she forbade me to go. I didn’t do that the next day or the

following days. I blindly obeyed Dushitsa. Or maybe I was afraid I would find out something bad about Milan...” said Rade.

After saying that, Rade sighed loudly.

“And what if Milan left on his own? Besides, there was no one there who could have told you anything. And another thing - better that Dushitsa didn’t know what happened to her lover. Who knows what kind of scandals she would have had herself involved in and she could have also disappeared a long time ago? Believe me that wouldn’t have been good for anyone”, replied Vera attempting to calm Rade down.

They were all silent. Rade seemed as if he wanted to say something but he hesitated. After a long pause Rade spoke.

“If, shortly afterwards, after the fateful night of the engagement, you accidentally found out that Milan was in prison, held as a political prisoner, an Inform Bureau resolution supporter, would you have told Dushitsa?” said Rade blushing with excitement in an effort to get everything out in the open.

Vera stood there silent for a while and then said:

“Maybe I wouldn’t have told her for fear that she would do something reckless and that would have cost her dearly.”

“Are you sure you would be able to hold out on your sister about such a thing? Are you sure you would be able to endure, no matter what happened to her? I don’t believe you!” replied Rade in a raised voice.

“I think yes!” said Vera in a louder voice.

“You wouldn’t feel guilty about that? Not me, I would feel guilty! A few months after Milan disappeared I saw him in prison. That was before he was sent to Goli Otok. As a result of seeing him I struggled for a long time deciding whether to tell any of you! I struggled but I realized that it would be disastrous if I told anyone. For Dushitsa and for all of us. That’s why I didn’t tell anyone…”

said Rade. After he said that he hid his face in his hands in an attempt to hide his shame. He looked at Vera.

Vera for a moment looked like she was furious. Rade noticed how quickly her face turned red and then pale. She apparently was able to overcome the shock fairly quickly. After a while, she whispered something.

“Don’t ever tell Dushitsa… not even in a dream. She will never forgive you. And you, Mom, you didn’t hear this!” replied Vera and a moment later added. “If you don’t want your family to break up.”

They both noticed that their mother seemed to be in shock. She had lost her voice. She looked numb. She had no eye movement, like she was completely blind... It seemed as if she couldn’t believe what she had heard. Many questions suddenly popped up in her mind. How was it possible for him, her own son, to keep such a secret from his own sister for so long, watching her health slowly deteriorate. Shrivelling away. How could he be so sure this was better for her? Of course he must have done it out of love for her. God what he had gone through to protect her? But did he protect her... or...? Look what has become of her... The least he could have done was tell someone… his mother or Vera.

Stefka suddenly began to yell loudly.

“Eh, son, son... How could you do such a thing?”

Vera, who had already recovered from the shock, looked at her mother with disapproval. But Stefka didn’t notice. Vera wanted to tell her - what now, you want to make him sick and lose him? Or do you want him to be healthy! When she saw that her mother didn’t notice her looking at her, Vera quickly went to her to stop her from further chastising Rade. She feared her mother would use even harsher words.

“Don’t rush to judge, mother! It would have certainly not turned out any better. How do you know what Rade did was bad? How do you know if he had told her it wouldn’t have been worse? Rade was certainly aware of the consequences and did his best to protect the

family. When he found out Milan was a political prisoner he decided it would be best for everyone if he remained silent,” Vera explained to her mother.

Vera went over to her mother and held her hand. Then she hugged Rade and said:

“Instead of waiting for Dushitsa to come over, why don’t we all go and visit her. If nothing else, she’ll serve us coffee.”

Rade felt like he had been pardoned by Vera’s court and began to relax, but at the same time he didn’t have the strength to get up, get dressed and go to visit Dushitsa. But he forced himself.

“Come on mother, you’re coming too,” said Vera because she felt she needed her support. But Stefka didn’t give it to her.

“The two of you go. You’ll make her happy. And tell her off. What is this… she has completely forgotten us. Tell her I’m very angry with her…” replied Stefka.

After they left Stefka went to the window and watched them turn the corner. Then, in a mumbling voice, she said: “Eh Rade, Rade, son, what a burden you have been carrying in your soul all this time. How could you not confide in me? But I think it was better you didn’t tell me. I couldn’t’ have kept your secret.

Stefka started pacing around the room in quick steps... A variety of thoughts ran through her mind. She was looking for someone to blame for all the suffering they had endured in peace time right after the evil war had ended. Hadn’t enough people died in the four years of war against the evil fascists? These were mostly young people. The smartest, the most honest and the purest of heart. They died to bring freedom to the people. To make a better life for all of us. And now we have brother fighting against brother. The cursed times are back. States quarrelling against states to a point of annihilation. What a cursed new era we have entered. We’ve gone from one evil to another…

...My dear children, I raised them from babies. They made me very happy. None of them and no one from my family was killed in the war against the Germans. We fought and drove them out. But when we thought they were gone a new evil came into our lives. Now we have best friends fighting against each other, spying and informing on one another... Suffering from your own people... How could Milan be against his own people, against his own country, when he had lost both of his parents in the struggle to liberate that country? The poor man has been coming here for a long time and has shed many tears for his parents. He would have given his heart and soul for the Party and for the country. But cursed by the one who took it to heart not to see it that way. Cursed by all those freaks who put him through terrible torment, humiliation and injustice. He was neither guilty nor obligated. My poor girl’s soul is burning because of that. She is filled with grief for him.

Stefka went into the darkest part of the room and tried to clarify some things in her own mind. She remembered having a conversation with her late husband and thought to herself that he had died before his time. He died because he couldn’t accept the fact that eastern block countries were breaking up over nothing. He simply couldn’t understand why this was happening after so many sacrifices had been made. He would often would ask, and he asked this many times, “Why did everything turn upside down all of a sudden? Why did they betray us? Those at the top betrayed us… they were disguised. And they still wear masks. We were betrayed before the end of the war. They didn’t even wait for the bodies of the dead fighters to cool down!” He said these things in the absence of his children. He didn’t want to disappoint them. He said all these things and after that he was unable to raise his head. He even had a fight with his brother over this and after that things didn’t go well between them. One time Stefka heard him say to his brother not to give Rade a job investigating political prisoners. Even in his last days before her husband died Slobodan and he couldn’t face each other; they couldn’t see eye to eye.

Stefka tried to take a nap but she couldn’t. The telephone rang. It was Slobodan.

“How are you? How are you all doing? How is Rade? Are you alone?” he asked.

“We’re okay. I’m home alone. Vera and Rade went to Dushitsa’s a while ago,” she replied.

“It’s good that you’re alone. Rade must have told you about the medication he was given. Make sure he takes it. He must take it regularly. He shouldn’t be playing games with his health. As for the house construction, I told him to hire someone to do the work. He needs his rest. Not sleeping all night and all day will get him into trouble,” said Slobodan.

“I’ll tell him that, if he listens to me,” replied Stefka sounding doubtful.

“If he doesn’t listen to you, I’ll take him to the hospital,” replied Slobodan.

“God forbid! Is it that bad?” cried Stefka with fear in her voice.

“It isn’t yet but it will be. He needs to take the medication to avoid getting worse,” said Slobodan in a softer tone voice, after seeing how frightened Stefka had become.

“Only if he could change that damn job of his…” said Stefka.

“I told him to change it but he doesn’t want to. It seems to him that if he does that, then his colleagues will think he’s a coward. They’ll make fun of him,” replied Slobodan.

What’s more important his image or his health? At least he’s better than his father. You know how your brother was…” said Stefka, deliberately mentioning his brother. He needed to talk to someone about him at this point. But Slobodan seemed either in a hurry or didn’t want to think of his late brother right now, so he continued to talk about Rade.

“Try and convince him. He needs to take his medication every day. Don’t let him forget that. Make sure he takes it twice a day. Make him do it in front of you,” said Slobodan.

Okay, I will,” replied Stefka.

“Goodbye Stefka,” said Slobodan.

“Goodbye and say hello to everyone at home”, replied Stefka and hung up the telephone.

In the evening, when Rade came home from his sister’s place, Stefka told him that his uncle had called. She noticed him raising his eyebrows.

“What did he say?” asked Rade.

“What did he say? He said you need to take your medication regularly”, she replied.

“He’s a strange man and so is his friend the doctor. From the short conversation I had with him he pushed me to take medication. Tell me, what do you think is wrong with me, seriously?” said Rade to his mother.

“Son, I’m not a doctor, why are you asking me? And why is it so terrible to take a few pills?” replied Stefka.

“Okay, let’s say that I agree. Can you leave me alone now?” said Rade and opened the newspaper.

Stefka went to the kitchen and came back with a glass full of juice.

“I want to see you take a pill. Take one in front of me,” his mother persisted.

“If you do this to me, I won’t take any,” said Rade sounding upset.

“Okay, okay you’re not a small child,” said his mother calmly.

Rade drank the juice but didn’t take a pill.

She saw that he hadn’t but she wasn’t going to argue with him anymore.

“You haven’t told me anything about how it went with Dushitsa today? How is she?” asked Stefka.

“She didn’t complain as much as other times. Maybe she’s better from the medication she’s been taking,” replied Rade.

“In other words she believes that she’s better because she’s taking her medication,” said Stefka with emphasis on the medication. Stefka said that, to once again remind Rade about his own medication.

“The difference between me and her is that she has a serious heart problem and I’m not even sick…” replied Rade.

“Nobody said you were sick but you need some therapy to prevent you from getting sick,” persisted Stefka.

One of these days soon I’ll go to the hospital alone and see the doctor. Maybe he thinks I have a serious illness and my uncle doesn’t want to tell me about it,” said Rade.

“First take the medication that he gave you, then you can go and have a conversation with him,” replied Stefka.

“No, no, I want to make sure that I need the medication before I take it,” said Rade.

“Do whatever you want I can’t argue with you anymore,” replied Stefka, got upset and went to the kitchen.

Rade lay down and covered his head, which meant the conversation was over.

As soon as Rade told the guard his last name he immediately let him into the hospital. He then met an orderly who escorted him to the doctor’s office. The doctor got up from behind his desk and shook Rade’s hand. The doctor seemed to know in advance all the questions Rade was contemplating asking and had instant answers for him.

“I came to see you to talk to you without my uncle. I want to know if there is something seriously wrong with me. Will you please tell me?” Rade asked the doctor.

“You saw that I gave your uncle the same pills. And I can show you that I have the same pills in my bag too which I also take. We who are more sensitive and worry more about things need to be careful. We must take preventive measures to avoid things breaking down, especially if nothing else helps. Take my advice and you will be fine,” replied the doctor and gave Rade a friendly hug.

After Rade promised to take the pills he said goodbye to the doctor and the same orderly took him to the exit of the hospital building. About the same time more than a dozen men were walking in the yard, to the left of the building. They were talking quite loudly. Some were laughing, others were singing and others were acting strangely. He slowed down to see what was going on and at that very moment one of them headed for Rade. Rade couldn’t believe it, and as the man got closer he was more convinced that it was Milan. Impossible, he thought to himself. Will I run into him again in a bad place? he thought to himself. He hastened his pace to get away but heard Milan call him by his name. It would be cowardly of him to leave without answering Milan. The shame would be on Rade. But, fortunately, one of the orderlies who was looking after them while they were in the yard blocked Milan’s way.

“You know you can’t go there!” the orderly said rudely and led him to where the others were.

Rade struggled in deciding whether to respond to him or not. To let him know that he had seen him… But he decided not to. Surely it would be against the rules, he thought to himself. Then, from the distance, he heard a voice that sounded more like a cry yelling, “Say

hello to Dushitsa and tell her that I love her. Tell her I want her. Tell her I’m not sick... I’m not... I love her…”

After he heard what Milan said, Rade was convinced that Milan had been taken to this hospital against his will. On his way out he greeted the guard and left. There was a small park with benches near the hospital. Not caring if anyone was watching, Rade sat on one of those benches and cried loudly... Then he got up and walked through the crowds of people.

So this is where Milan is now, he thought to himself. This is his address, which Dushitsa doesn’t know. She apparently wanted to look for him but had no idea where to look. This time Rade decided to tell her. He would tell her immediately, but not directly. He would do it through Vera, today. But at the same time he was certain there was no hope for Dushitsa or for Milan.

He continued to walk. It started raining. He walked in the rain without thinking about getting soaked. He began talking to himself. He spoke loudly. He accused himself of being one of those gravediggers. He said he had dug a tomb for his own sister. “Why didn’t I tell her then?” he yelled at himself and continued. “I’ll have to carry this on my conscience for the rest of my life. Should I go back and ask the doctor about Milan? What about Milan? Can I help him? Does he have money for his treatment? Or maybe they’re keeping him there because he has nowhere to go. He has no apartment and no family. And what will I say when the doctor asks – what is your relationship to Milan? How do you know him? Did you know that he is an Inform Bureau resolution supporter? What will I tell him? How do I know Milan? I’ll tell him he was a friend of my sister’s, they were in love. And do you know that if you do that you will compromise yourself, and you will compromise your uncle too? Don’t you care about your uncle? The doctor is his friend, surely he will care about him? I know what to do. I’ll tell him that you should also know, dear doctor, that I am sick because I didn’t help Milan when his life was on the line and his fate and my sister’s were in jeopardy. I’ll tell him I betrayed him. I pretended not to know him. Why did I do that? Because of all these consequences you are now pointing out to me. Out of fear for myself, for my family and even for my sister. Well, that’s why I’m not well right

now. My sister also isn’t well, she’s dying and I’m hoping to die before she does. And you know, doctor, maybe Milan is better off now, being unaware of what happened to him... But nothing like that happened to me… And if it didn’t then why should I take the medication?”

Rade went straight from the hospital to Vera’s work. He knocked on the door and she opened it. When she saw him she was startled by his appearance.

“Dear God, Rade, where have you been, you’re soaking. Take your coat off right now!” yelled Vera.

“Milan. I saw Milan!” replied Rade in a trembling voice.

“So what if you saw Milan!” said Vera calmly.

“Do you know where I saw him? At the psychiatric hospital, for the seriously ill,” replied Rade and started crying loudly. He felt that he was to blame and acted like he was his brother.

“Okay, okay, it’s a hospital for people. And there are doctors who treat them. What’s so scary about that?” said Vera calmly.

“What’s so scary about that, you say? I can’t believe it!” said Rade shouting with his eyes wide open.

“It’s certainly not nice but what can we do? Please don’t tell Dushitsa! She doesn’t need another shock!” replied Vera.

“Not me, I’m not telling her… you will tell her!” said Rade.

“But why, what’s the need? You heard how cold she was to him when they met a few months ago,” replied Vera.

“Do you think she doesn’t care for him? asked Rade and continued:

“When we went to the construction site she blamed herself for being insensitive to him when they saw each other. She said that she was very sorry and that she had lost contact with him and didn’t know

how to find him, because he didn’t have an address or a telephone number and there was no one she could ask where he was.

“I don’t know about that, it doesn’t seem to me that she really wants to see him, and I don’t believe that he would want to see her either. The question is whether he can make contact with her or anyone in his condition,” replied Vera.

“I was terribly shaken. As soon as he recognized me he walked towards me. But when he was stopped by the orderly he started yelling loudly. He yelled at me to say hello to Dushitsa and tell her that he loves her, that he loves her very much!” said Rade.

Vera stiffened up and said, “God, what a difficult fate… his and our sister’s… I don’t know what to do. The last time I asked Milan to see her, with best intentions, you saw what happened. You saw how things went.”

“No, I think I’ll have to tell her this time. If you don’t want to, I’ll tell her. I’ll do it tomorrow,” replied Rade.

“All right then, let’s prepare her first but don’t tell Mom about it,” said Vera.

“No I won’t,” replied Rade.

“By the way, what were you doing there, at the hospital? Weren’t you there with our uncle the day before?” asked Vera.

“I wanted to talk to the doctor by myself without our uncle,” replied Rade.

“And what did he tell you?” asked Vera.

“He said that I should take the pills he gave me, more as a preventive measure,” replied Rade.

“So, do what he told you, take the pills and stop playing games!” advised Vera, “As for Milan, we’ll do what we can. Knowing that

the chief doctor is our uncle’s friend, we should be able to help Milan. Maybe he will get more attention and be treated better.”

“No Vera. My guess is that the doctor will advise us that it would be better if we don’t take care of him. He might even suggest that we abstain from showing any interest in helping him. That’s what I think…” said Rade.

“I think things are different now. Many years have passed. Things have changed a bit, Rade”, replied Vera.

“I don’t believe that the doctor will think so. He’s our uncle’s friend,” said Rade.

“Okay, we’ll see,” replied Vera.

“I also think Slobodan won’t want us to interfere. And he may scold us. But this time I won’t listen to anyone!” said Rade nervously.

“He’ll advise us in what to do. Let’s go home now!” replied Vera.

Rade didn’t take his medication again in the evening. He resisted both the pills and the doctor who prescribed them. He himself didn’t know why. He spent the entire evening thinking about Milan and how he’d seen him in the prison. And now he was feeling like a coward. Why didn’t he stop the orderly who kept Milan from coming to him? Why didn’t he tell him that he knew Milan and only wanted to say hello but instead he left the yard in a cowardly way. Why did he again pretend not to know him? Just like the last time many years ago in the prison. Milan’s loud yell, calling him by name should have prompted him to go to him. To at least say a word or two of consolation. At no point did Rade feel any hostility towards him; he didn’t consider him an enemy of the state. He only thought of him as a victim. Milan could never be an enemy of the people... not like the Inform Bureau resolution supporters they talked about on the radio and wrote about in the newspapers. Rade decided to call Slobodan. Immediately. Tonight. To tell him about Milan’s whereabouts. He would tell him that he feels obliged to help him with something… Whatever Milan had done he had already served his sentence, but as a result of the horrible punishment he

received in prison he was now incapable of living a normal life. His health had deteriorated. He was unable to work. He had lost everything. He needed help. Who would help him? There was no one. What if it was too late? At night. He should call Slobodan immediately! He couldn’t waste any more time. Not even a day...

Rade decided to telephone his uncle. He figured his aunt would answer, she should be awake, she paints all night.

“I’m sorry for calling so late,” said Rade,” I’m looking for my uncle.”

Rade then heard her quietly yell at her husband to come to the telephone.

“Hello, what’s happening?” said Slobodan sounding half-sleep and concerned.

“I wanted to tell you about Milan. I saw him at the hospital with your doctor friend,” said Rade.

“Well, so what if you saw him, I know he’s there,” replied his uncle sounding half-sleep, but a little nervous. “Is that why you woke me up at this time of night?”

“So you do know!” said Rade surprised.

“I want to sleep now, we’ll talk about it tomorrow,” replied his uncle.

“I want to help him. I want to help him tomorrow,” said Rade loudly in a trebling voice.

“As long as he’s there, in the hospital, he is being helped…” replied Slobodan sounding even more nervous.

“We should offer him more help,” insisted Rade.

“I said we’ll talk about it tomorrow, now go to bed,” insisted his uncle.

“I can’t sleep!” replied Rade and didn’t want to hang up the telephone. He simply couldn’t.

“Then take another pill from the ones the doctor prescribed you. Good night!” said his uncle and hung up the telephone.

“Good night!” replied Rade to himself and hung up the telephone, disappointed. So he knew and had hid that information from us, Rade thought to himself. When I mentioned Milan in my conversation with him a few days ago, he didn’t tell me anything! Maybe he had put him in the hospital to stop Dushitsa from getting back together with him? Or had Milan gone there voluntarily, after his last meeting with her, feeling there was no hope for them to get back together? Had he gone there because of his great disappointment?

Another question immediately popped into Rade’s mind: “When Dushitsa finds out that Milan was placed in the psychiatric hospital right after they saw me, it would devastate her and her bad health would worsen?” Would she feel even guiltier this time? Rade’s heart tightened. He began to choke. He quickly got up and went to the kitchen looking for something to drink. He realized that he was getting entangled in many conflicting things, like in a big net, from which he couldn’t easily escape. Miraculously his mother didn’t hear him get up; otherwise he would have also had to explain things to her, and he wasn’t in the mood!

* * *

Just before Vera finished her shift Dushitsa came to visit her at work. The moment she saw her Vera became very upset. She instantly thought that Rade had told her about him seeing Milan at the hospital, but from Dushitsa’s appearance and facial expression Vera quickly calmed down. She figured Dushitsa was there about something completely different.

“Hey, little one, what’s up?” said Vera trying to sound happy.

“I want to suggest to you that we go and visit our uncle, see our cousins. They invited us a long time ago and we haven’t gone, they’re probably angry at us by now,” replied Dushitsa trying to sound and look relaxed.

“Let’s go. But don’t you think it would be better if we go later? Shouldn’t we have our lunch first?” said Vera in an attempt to delay the visit.

“This is the only time we’ll be able to find those rascals at home,” replied Dushitsa. Vera already knew that.

“You’re right. In that case I should call a taxi. We’ll buy flowers and coffee somewhere along the way,” said Vera.

“Call one,” replied Dushitsa and went to the front door to wait for her.

While calling for a taxi on the telephone, Vera thought that it was strange that her sister suddenly wanted to see their uncle and his family. Maybe she felt a twinge of guilt for not showing enough appreciation for their uncle and his family, especially after everything they had done for both of them, and for their brother.

While riding in the taxi Vera tried to figure out if Dushitsa had a hidden agenda behind this visit but she couldn’t find anything.

“Oh my God, it’s a miracle!” yelled one of their cousins when they saw them coming. Their aunt also came out to greet them.

Lily and Zoran couldn’t stop talking. They wanted to tell their cousins everything. About girls about boys... After that they told them about a number of other things. Their uncle arrived a little later and he too was pleasantly surprised.

“Well now, what are we going to offer our honoured guests?” said Slobodan when he saw that there was nothing on the table. The moment he said that the hosts ran over to the refrigerator and brought out a lot of food and drinks. There was no empty space left on the table. They all ate a lot of food and drank various juices.

“My dear Dushitsa, why are you so thin. Listen, I’ll bring you here often, even by force if necessary. You’ll be able to eat better in good company. You’ll see, you’ll look much better in less than a month,” said Slobodan.

“I know I’m thin,” replied Dushitsa in her defence, “But being thin is now fashionable for girls...”

“Forget about that! I’m asking you seriously, do you have enough money to eat properly?” asked Slobodan.

Yes Uncle, I do. My job is fine. Why do you ask?”

“There’s never any shortage of food here. There’s always enough for all of us. And if you need money all you have to do is ask. Don’t be stingy when it comes to food,” replied Slobodan.

Some time later, with great regret, the two cousins left for school.

Dushitsa could hardly wait for the moment when she was left alone with her uncle. She said:

“I want to ask you something. I understand that Milan is currently in the psychiatric hospital in the city. Did you know about that?”

Vera felt her legs weakening. She also noticed that their uncle suddenly seemed confused. He stood motionless. Vera thought Rade must have told her. He had probably gone to see her at her job in the morning.

“Who told you that?” asked Slobodan after some silence.

“One of my colleagues at work. Her husband works there... At the hospital. But that doesn’t matter. I want you to tell me honestly, do you know any of the top doctors there? I want to see him!” said Dushitsa with some restrained nervousness. She didn’t believe her uncle would approve. The silence seemed to terrify everyone.

Dushitsa continued:

“But... if he can be treated at home... I want to take him home with me,” said Dushitsa quickly without looking at her uncle or Vera.

Vera felt Slobodan was hesitating, whether to tell Dushitsa or hide it from her that the chief doctor was his friend. If she could, Vera would have told Slobodan not to tell her anything and to say, “What kind of crazy idea is this? Take Milan home and take care of him when you can’t even take care of yourself!”

“I also recently found out that Milan is in the hospital,” said Slobodan slowly, as if looking for the right words. “As for a doctor, we will find one. No problem. But I wouldn’t advise looking after a sick person like Milan. I wouldn’t advise visiting him, let alone bringing him home. His illness is specific. I don’t know in what form and in what severity it is. But still I think that he can be helped best where he is,” replied Slobodan.

After that Vera heard Dushitsa say what she and her brother Rade were most afraid of:

“I’m to blame for the fact that Milan is now in a psychiatric hospital again... I killed his last hope. I threw him like a dog onto the street.

I trampled on his love, which had kept him alive in the torture chamber in which he had been for so long... And before that... When he disappeared... Did I look for him? Did I look for him persistently? Did I find him after he’d disappeared? No! All I did was drown in self-pity with the pain of an abandoned woman. Abandoned by my beloved. I also forbade my family from looking for him. From finding out something about him. I knew he had no family and no one else to look for him.”

“That was the best you could do under the circumstances. Who could have done anything in those days to help him?” said Slobodan trying to calm her down.

“Who? You could have done something. My brother could have done something too!” replied Dushitsa in a raised voice, so much so

that Vera was waiting for her aunt to appear at any moment and complain. But that didn’t happen.

“If we did that during those terrible times, those dangerous times, it would have been a disaster for the entire family. Both your family and my family, and even beyond that,” said Slobodan nervously.

“So that’s what prevented you from helping him! You knew where he was and that he was suffering. You knew that he was innocent and that he had been sent to prison without being proven guilty, but you were too afraid to help him. Both you and my brother! Why didn’t you at least tell me? I would have gone to help him. I would have sought salvation for him! I would have found other people who weren’t afraid. I wouldn’t have been afraid. I would have done anything to save him. Because... I loved him very much,” replied Dushitsa in tears.

“Of course your brother and I could have done something but there would have been severe consequences. If we had intervened we would have sacrificed both of our families and still we wouldn’t have been able to save him. We all would have gone what he went through. We could all have been liquidated, along with him. I and your brother would have been liquidated for sure because of our positions of authority! All of you and all of us would have been in a worse situation than we are now. Worst of all we wouldn’t have been able to help him at all,” explained Slobodan.

Everyone was silent for a long while.

“Now that it’s over, why can’t I take care of him? I want to ask you to accompany me to the doctor. The doctor should tell us if that’s possible. If he isn’t violent, if he isn’t a danger to society... I will take him with me to my place. Everything he needs, all the medication he needs he can take there. I will give it to him. I will take him under my control and do what the doctor says, I will feed him and look after him under the doctor’s advice. Surely he’ll be better off with me than he is at the hospital, right?” said Dushitsa.

“But do you think you can handle all that responsibility?” asked Slobodan with a plea in his voice.

Unable to restrain herself, Vera jumped in and said:

“Do you know how great an obligation it is to nurture a person like that? It’s difficult even for those who are fit and in great condition.”

“I consider this my duty. Who does Milan have? No one! I have to help him at least now!” replied Dushitsa. It became clear to Slobodan and Vera that Dushitsa wasn’t going to change her mind.

“Perhaps we can do something different. I’ll find a private room for him in the hospital and you can go and visit him there for as long as you like. And I will make sure he gets better care, of course,” said Slobodan trying a different tactic.

Dushitsa was silent for a while as if she wasn’t sure what to say. A while later she said:

“No, I want to try it my way like I told you. If that doesn’t work then we’ll do as you suggested, Uncle,” and then she stood up.

Both Slobodan and Vera realized that they had been unable to convince her.

On the way out, Dushitsa asked her uncle when it would be convenient for him to accompany her to the hospital. Slobodan looked at Vera with a puzzled look. Vera said:

“It would be a good idea if you would think about it a little longer first.”

“I’ve thought about it for a long time,” replied Dushitsa then turned to her uncle, hugged him and said:

“Please make an appointment with the doctor tomorrow and call me.”

Slobodan pulled her hair gently but didn’t answer her.

They walked down the main street at a slow pace. Their uncle came out to see them off. After they put some distance from him Vera angrily yelled at Dushitsa. She said:

“When you came to see me and suggested that we visit our uncle, aunt and cousins, you should have told me what your real intention was for going there!”

“Why is that so important? I could have gone alone,” replied Dushitsa sharply.