CHAPTER FOUR – The hall went silent in the sound of footsteps

CHAPTER FOUR – The hall went silent in the sound of footsteps

They sat on their beds.

Dobrin read in silence but always with his old anticipation present; anticipating that, at any moment now, something might happen. But knowing his own character well, that he was like this all his life, tormented him, especially in new situations.

Rumena, on the other hand, was a beautiful woman. She was silent most of the time except when she talked and argued with Dobrin.

The graceful steps of the duty officer could be heard from afar slowly fading along the great grey corridor.

“Do you hear that?” asked Rumena.

“Hear what?” asked Dobrin and perked up his ears to listen.

“The lack of footsteps…” she replied and laughed out loud.

The clock kept ticking... They were waiting for their turn to be examined, for the duty officer to enter their place and see how they were doing... None of them could predict the future and what waited for them… Perhaps in the silence they would wither away and vanish.

Rumena always scolded Dobrin because of his Party affiliation. She poured scorn and fiercely attacked him. She accused him of destroying her youth. She accused him of his limited consciousness and wanted to know why he would not tell people about his career, which tormented her to unprecedented fury. Again and again she listened to him say it was his duty. Everyone in a revolution must do their best and when the revolution is over everything would fall into place by itself... Fear constantly gripped at Dobrin’s heart… Having to remain on the waiting list tormented Rumena. It was horror and torture living like this. Perhaps someone had a hand in meddling with their fate and muddying their hopes and aspirations...

“Would you say that this is a time without love?” asked Dobrin looking at Rumena with a tiny smile on his face.

“Yes…” she answered. “It is time to start following life. I have never seen you pray before meals or after eating”.

“But you know that forty years have passed without religion and now, after I have accepted Marxist ideology and atheism, you want me to pray? That’s really funny, right?” replied Dobrin.

“That’s what you say. You want to say that the beliefs of the Party are the same as the belief of the state. You also want to say that they, Party and state, together, are timeless. But are they? Or are you an inspirer and an organizer of a system that has taken physical and spiritual control of the people? If you ask me, you are all peculiar and strange people. You mistrust and suspect everyone. This pathological suspicion is a result of wanting absolute power over everything. And this kind of government is the reason for introspection and termination of communication with the ordinary needs for relaxing the soul. The government is like instinct. But in your case, someone uprooted that seed and without that instinct you are just naïve,” said Rumena.

“No, that’s not right! This is only your opinion,” replied Dobrin.

“Yes, all we are left with is stupid and empty arguments to outwit one another. But we both know that our future depends on others… I believe that people are born with the capacity to be human and not to be Party members… to have Party status and to follow the Party ideology,” said Rumena and lay down on the iron bed, showing that she was not afraid of expressing her opinion.

“Listen to me Rumena!” Dobrin said with a non-threatening tone of voice. “Do you think any of these investigators could understand me? Our comrades know we are here, of course they know. But do you know what? For years I carried a secret wish in the depth of my soul in the Siberian prisons, and that wish was to return to my mother…

I remember it was summer, 1934. I was tormented by despair and had no perspective on life after finishing high school. I came home and my head was full of black thoughts. My mother waited for me for a long time and after I arrived she took me to the door of the back room where she had cooked a meal, just for me, consisting of boiled potatoes. She said: ‘Go inside and eat now…’ But when I went inside there was nothing there for me to eat. I thought perhaps that my sisters were hungry and ate all the food. I could not blame them… Then when I went out in the yard I heard my mother’s voice. She asked me if I ate. I answered: ‘Yes, yes I ate...’

Suicide appeared to be the only option for me as a way out. I found my father’s gun. It only had five bullets but I was satisfied that it would do the job if I used it on my temple. I decided to do it in the basement. I entered the concrete cage and closed the door quietly behind me. I was alone trying to overcome my claustrophobia. It was a foggy grey morning in Lerin and the sun had just barely passed the narrow border. I firmly squeezed the clapper, which somewhere deep inside sounded like a strange bell ringing. Fear of the truth made me think of my mother, seeing me sprawled with my brain scattered. What a blow this would be to her! I was the only boy in the family and she was so proud of me. I will persevere, I thought. As evidence, I accepted defeat to my powerlessness before the finger of fate. At that moment I was just powerless. I went back to the room and picked up something religious. I began to read as a way of finding salvation. It opened a terrifying sea of opportunities in the basement of my psyche. I read about asceticism, which amazed me with its pragmatism, about frustration and all the features of narcissism, a sense of omnipotence… it required from its followers their absolute trust, obedience, asceticism, sexual restraint, existence, getting up early before sunrise, prayers, non-use of alcohol and narcotics and suicide was prohibited. I became soaking wet from my perspiration. I also read that the believers possess fascinating abilities. They are skilled controversialists and usually preach tolerance and social justice, but also are able to control their aggression.

I thought about it and wanted to become a teacher so that I could teach good things.

I enrolled in the Solun Pedagogical Academy on September 1, 1934 and shortly afterwards began a new life as a student, but according to military law I was summoned to do my duty and fulfill my military obligation. Sixteen months later I was back from Athens as a sergeant of the Greek army. I felt safe and no longer wanted to enter the room of imaginary crimes. But then I became angry again when I found out that the new director had written me off for having ‘indigenous ancestors’, (he was kicked out of the school because he was Macedonian) something he found out from my earlier studies. This was during the Metaxas years.

When I went to see him he turned to me and said: ‘Ah, this is you… how unfortunate, my dear sir, you have no right...’

I returned to Lerin with a heavy heart ... Now what? I thought.

The only one who welcomed me back was my same old friend. I barely lifted my eyes when I heard him say: ‘King George II is coming to Lerin tomorrow on a tour of Macedonia.’ I remembered his words: ‘Nonsense, put yourself together and move on! Life requires it of you...’

The next day, all dressed in my officer’s uniform, I asked to take part in the reception. I spoke briefly, mainly about the obstinacy of my director. I then concluded with the words: ‘I went to serve the motherland and the director insisted on punishing me for it!’

The King looked at the letter I was holding in my hand and asked: ‘Did you write about that in the letter?’ I said ‘Yes!’ ‘Leave it with me and don’t worry!’ he said.

I took the letter and put it on the table beside him. He extended his hand. I took it and we shook hands. He squeezed my hand tightly but with a barely noticeable smile. Yeah right, it looked to me like he really cared and I had nothing to worry about!

Then, during the night of August 4, another coup too place. This was the fourth government coup. Lerin was filled with military tanks and police patrols. They were carrying out mass arrests. I became very nervous expecting to be arrested by morning. But then I was not! I

was relieved. This was proof that my name was not in the National Security’s black list for being a member of OKNE.

The same day I received official information from the office of the King informing me that my case had been positively resolved.

When I went to see the director of the Pedagogical Academy he welcomed me with a big smile and showed me how happy he was to see me. But in his eyes I read: ‘Who would have thought that you had such lavish and great connections!’…” concluded Dobrin.

“So, was this the way to achieve a high mark of dignity?” asked Rumena with a tone of uncertainty in her voice.

“It is indeed strange…” muttered Dobrin. “But one thing was for sure, while I was in school there was one thing deliberately instilled into the students and that was the belief in the purity and unity of the Greek people, language and culture.

There were also other things. Each year the school had a parade in which the uprising against the ‘Turks’ was presented. The story would begin with the Greek general killing many of his captors, all in one day, and would end with a special recognition of his sword. All school books praised those Byzantine emperors who managed to keep the savages from the East out of the empire.

Every epoch had a list of heroes who fought for the purity of Greece.

When I recognized that such an education would only result in intellectual arrogance and moral poverty, I came to the realization that there was a strong afro-Asian influence in the early Aegean cultures. I realized that Alexander the Great did spread Greek culture in the East, but was carrying out a campaign of terror and destruction. I understood that Solun had a Jewish culture equal to that of Vienna but the Greeks then destroyed it. I felt ashamed knowing that communities living in Macedonia and Thrace were treated like outcasts only because their language was not Greek.

When I understood all this I became an unlucky man for the second time,” concluded Dobrin.