Front Matter - Part 01

House on the Lake A Novel By Dragica Najcheska

(Translated from Macedonian to English and edited by Risto Stefov)

House on the Lake Original in Macedonian - Skopje, 2018 Translated to English - Bitola, 2023 A Novel Risto Steflov 6 In Qola Publications Toronto, Canada All rights reserved. No part of this book may be reproduced or transmitted in any form or by any means, electronic or mechanical, including photocopying, recording or by any information storage and retrieval system without written consent from the author, except for the inclusion of brief and documented quotations in a review.

It became hers. That small, most unattractive, perhaps a century-old house with a rusty padlock on the front door, scattered Turkish roof tiles and peeling walls on all sides was hers. She had never been inside. Surely the inside would be even worse than the outside. But she loved it. The moment she learned it was for sale, she wanted to buy it. Even if it was worse than it appeared, she wouldn't change her mind.

Her desire to own it had been born in her a long time ago. She wanted to buy a house on the lakefront. Even if it was a one room house resembling a hut! And - she was in luck - the house she was dying to own was just a few steps away from the lake. It was right here. Next to her! And it was for sale!

And again the same dream: the house was hers. She fixed it up.

It was more beautiful than all the other houses around it!

She thought about that house for almost three months. Not owning it was making her sick! It can go to hell, she thought. It wasn't mean t to be... that was it. Best to forget about it!

She decided that recently... Only recently...!

• . .We were sitting in the yard of our close friends' house, near Lake Ohrid, sipping brandy and eating salad. We were long-time friends with this couple, several decades. Without any particular intention, I said to them:

"My husband and I have been vacationing here in Ohrid for thirty years in various houses by the lake. It would have been nice if we could have had a house of our own, even a little one. Is there such a house that we can buy?" I then turned to our friend Nikola and said "Dear Nikola all these years I haven't been able to convince my husband, your friend, to go on vacation or spend our holidays elsewhere! Unlike my friends and relatives who have traveled to other countries, I have never been anywhere, except here in this Ohrid of yours! My husband is attached to this place like he was born here."

"Well, where else would he be able to sit for twelve hours with a fishing rod in his hands waiting to catch a fish if not here on this shore? And tell me is there a more beautiful place anywhere in the world with a gentle nature like we have here? We have a lake, we have mountains, forests, not to mention churches, monasteries, museums, everything your soul desires...

I didn't know you wanted to buy a house here. You've never mentioned it before. You never mentioned what kind of house you were looking for... or how big either?" replied Nikola.

My husband Mitko kept looking at me like he wanted me to change the subject. From the expression on his face I got the impression that he was getting uncomfortable and that I should stop talking. He considered what I was saying inappropriate, even if it was a joke. At the same time my friend Ljubica, Nikola's wife, turned towards her husband and said:

"Nikola... Tell her about the house next door, on our street... The one that has been for sale for a long time..

"Get out of here... that rundown house?! That's not a house for people like them. Violeta would never buy a house like that!" replied Nikola.

"Why, what's wrong with the house? They can fix it up a little, paint it and it will be fine. They mainly need it for the summer..." said Ljubica.

Ljubica then left and went into the kitchen.

I looked back at my husband. He looked at me mockingly and with disbelief. He couldn't believe that I was talking about buying a house in Ohrid, especially since we'd never discussed it, not to mention where we would find the money to pay for it.

While Nikola and Mitko continued to sip brandy and munch salad, Ljubica made coffee for us.

After we finished drinking our coffee I took Ljubica outside. I was getting anxious and wanted to see the house right away. I wasn't interested in its size and condition; I just wanted to see it, even if it was broken down and decaying...

We stopped in front of the little house. What could I say? It was a house with a door and two windows - all facing the lake. The front door was dilapidated. A huge old padlock hung on it! Its roof was covered with broken, century-old ceramic tiles. The plaster on its walls had peeled in several places. I felt my heart pounding.

Ljubica said something. I didn't hear what she said. Her words sounded like they were spoken from afar, like an echo. I was distracted by my thoughts of making repairs to the house refurbishing it..., renovating it...

We came back and joined the men.

Nikola, who suspected that we had gone outside to see the house, asked:

"Did you like it?" From the tone of his voice, I figured that he thought I would be disgusted by it and it would never occur to me to buy such an antique house. He was even afraid that I would be offended by it if they offered it to us. Everyone remained silent...

"Who is selling it?" I asked.

"I'm authorized to sell replied Nikola.

I looked at him in disbelief.

"How much are you asking for it?" I asked.

Nikola gave me a price. I did a quick calculation in my head and figured that I had enough money. This was emergency money that I'd stashed away in the bank on my own over the years. My husband didn't know about it. I kept it hidden from him because he was a big spender.

Later I decided to visit the house again but this time I went alone. I stood some distance away from it and admired it. I loved that small, dilapidated house. In fact, I loved it more than any other house or apartment in this city.

I went back to Ljubica's house. No one said a word. I too kept quiet for a while. I was afraid of saying something that might anger my husband. When I was dead sure that I wanted that house, in a trembling voice, I said:

"I'm buying the house..." When no one reacted I again said, "I'm buying the house... " this time louder and more resolutely.

Both Nikola and Ljubica first looked at me and then at my husband.

They couldn't believe what I'd said. That I had decided to buy the house, which was a big investment, without consulting my husband and acting like it was no big deal. Then they looked at my husband, expecting him to say something - agree or disagree. If nothing else, at least say that he wanted to see the house too. But nothing from him; not a word...

At that point Nikola said:

"Maybe you should think about it for a while, there's no need to rush. We'll open the house for you so you can see what it looks like inside."

"I don't care what it looks like inside. It can be fixed and it will be fixed!" I said immediately and resolutely.

I then asked, "Who owns the house?" I was eager to find out more.

"The people who own the house aren't from here... not from this city..." replied Nikola.

After a short silence, Nikola raised his head, pointing towards the sky, and said:

"The owner of the house will be flying here on an airplane scheduled to land in Ohrid at any moment now." I couldn't believe how fast things were moving. It had to be a coincidence that the owner was coming here today!

I was trembling with excitement! My husband nervously grabbed his fishing rod and went to the lakeshore to fish. All this was obviously annoying him a lot but he said nothing. Perhaps he didn't believe that anything was going to come of it. Where was I going to find the money? What I was doing must have seemed ridiculous to him...

That's because he didn't know I had money, which I had been secretly saving in my account for years.

After my husband left I stayed with Nikola and Ljubica, patiently waiting for the owner to arrive.

About half an hour later a taxi stopped in front of Nikola and Ljubica's house, next to their yard. A bright faced woman with natural blonde hair, not older than fifty, came out smiling. A short, distinctly black-haired man also came out, took out a suitcase and left it next to the blonde woman. After that the taxi left. The blonde woman walked towards the house and greeted Nikola and Ljubica warmly.

"Here I am, I have arrived," she said in Serbian.

Immediately before greeting her Nikola shouted:

"Milena this is Violeta, your new neighbour. Only minutes ago we made a deal with her to buy your little house. She and her husband have been our friends for years." The blonde woman, who had just arrived, opened her eyes wide, looked at me, greeted me and said:

"Well Nikola, my dear friend. You should have told me about this a few days ago. You should have called me. Unfortunately I sold the house to this man from Belgrade and brought him here to give him the keys. He's already paid me. He is a colleague of mine. In fact we have been working for the same company for a long time." Milena introduced the black-haired little man. The man said hello and shook everyone's hand. I was so disappointed that I shook the man's hand mechanically. I had no desire to meet him - the man who had unknowingly made me unhappy. I had been looking forward, like a little child, to owning that house.

I was so disappointed! I went from happy to miserable! I kept looking at my friends switching from Nikola to Ljubica, looking for a way to reverse this deal... looking at them for salvation. I felt like taking Milena aside and offering her more money than the little man had paid her. Finally I decided to speak to Ljubica, knowing very well she wouldn't agree with what I had to say. I whispered in Ljubica's ear but her answer was:

"This is a done deal, not a bidding process," she said, and touched her right cheek with her finger.

The woman was absolutely right!

I felt ashamed after I said that... But at the same time I had bitter feelings that my house had been snatched out of my hands. It wasn't a nice house but no matter... It would have been mine With the money I had, I could only buy this kind of house... But it wasn't meant to be...

The man took the keys but didn't go inside the house. I just couldn't believe it. Nikola handed him the keys... to a house he had just bought... and he didn't go inside! Perhaps he'd been inside before, I thought to myself.

We all went upstairs, to the top floor of the big two-story white house attached to the little house. Milena also owned this house.

Milena, the little man, Ljubica and Nikola with whom she obviously had a long-standing friendship sat around on the top floor. I also sat with them. I went up with them hoping that the deal might fall apart and that all wasn't yet lost.

Soon the little man's cousin, who lived in Ohrid, joined us. His name was Zhevair. He was an emotional man. He felt sorry for me when he found out that I had an overwhelming desire to buy the little house. He was almost tempted to ask his cousin to give it up and let me have it. He was the only one who saw me holding back my tears.

And now, after many years passed, I couldn't remember who, myself, the cousin or Milena promised me that if the little man, Milena's colleague who had bought her house, ever sold it, he would offer it to me first. This promise, which at the time seemed strange and illogical, helped me get through my painful disappointment.

My husband Mitko came back from fishing late that night. I wasn't asleep. I told him what happened with the house and that the buyer and the owner had come from Belgrade together... When I finished telling him he seemed relieved. It seemed to me like he was glad that it had all ended the way it did. Maybe it was just me feeling that way - I thought. Mitko didn't say a word.

My dreams started up again when we returned to Skopje. They lasted until the next summer. It seemed like someone was manipulating my dreams. Many nights all I could dream about was the little house in Ohrid! Different dreams same house.

As soon as we arrived in Ohrid the following summer, even before we unpacked our bags in the house where we'd vacationed for several years, I slipped away unseen and went to see the little house.

It was exactly the same as we had left it. The same huge rusty padlock hung on the front door. Not a single roof tile had been moved. My heart started pounding. I wanted to know what had happened but who could I ask?! Should I look for the owner's cousin? Where would I find him7 What was stranger about all this was the fact that the house hadn't been renovated. Why? Maybe the man didn't have the necessary funds to renovate it.

I started asking around. One, another, a third... Some of the neighbours said that the new owner had health problems, others, that his wife didn't like the house, others, that there was some disagreement between him and his neighbour who lived behind his house. Who was right?! I needed to know but without creating more illusions for myself... Like there was no other house near the lake!

But I wanted this one! I wouldn't be able to find another so close to the lake.

I was left in suspense. I don't know how I lasted until the next summer. When we arrived the following year, the situation with the house was unchanged!

At that point I decided to find the owner's cousin. He was surprised to see me when I rang his doorbell. It was important for me that he hadn't forgotten me and that he received me with kindness. He was happy to explain the entire situation and the reasons why the house wasn't renovated.

One day his cousin from Belgrade asked him to replace some of the broken ceramic tiles on the roof to prevent snow and rain from dripping inside. But, the moment the cousin climbed on the roof his neighbour from behind his house yelled at him and told him to leave. He told him he wasn't allowed to make repairs to that house and threatened him with violence.

"What gives you the right to forbid me from climbing on the roof of my cousin's house, especially since he gave me permission? I said to him in a quiet voice, but loud enough for him to hear me. I told him I wasn't coming down... " said Zhevair and continued, "And, to my great dismay, the neighbour quickly took a ladder from his yard, which was not partitioned from my cousin's yard, and climbed onto my cousin's roof. He then immediately began to push me violently.

He pushed me to the edge of the roof, where there was a real possibility that I would fall off. I was shocked that he had the guts to do that. I am much younger and much stronger than him I could have thrown him off the roof with just one wave of my hand. But at that moment I remembered my three children and my wife who was unemployed. I didn't want my children ending up on the streets. I did the right thing, of course, and quickly climbed down. I wasn't going to be reckless, which could have cost me a lot. When I told my cousin this, he agreed that we should wait a while." Zhevair also told me that it was almost impossible to repair the house due to the uncooperative government services, which were unwilling to give their approval for the various repairs. But despite all that, he said that his cousin still persisted and hadn't given up on the house... But if he did, Zhevair promised me I would be the first person he contacted.

I left disappointed...

It was late spring. The last days before the start of summer...

Another year had passed and soon we would be packing our bags and going on vacation. My husband always planned to go to Ohrid.

That was his exclusive destination. Everyone knew that in advance and wasn't allowed to question it. It used to annoy me a lot. But now my mind was there too.

The weather was getting hot and it became more and more difficult to work because of the high temperatures. Both my husband and I, and especially our children, couldn't wait to go on vacation. But every year they expressed dissatisfaction about going to Ohrid. "Not to Ohrid again?!" they used to say.

"Why does it have to be Ohrid? Is there no other place in the country for you? Ohrid... Ohrid... Ohrid. . . !" one of them said.

They protested, even though they knew their protests would change nothing. Their father was adamant.

The last days before going on vacation were probably the hardest for everyone, including me. That last day was especially tiring for me. I could hardly walk up the stairs to the apartment coming back from work.

"Mom, before I forget, Aunt Milena from Belgrade was looking for you," my daughter said as she greeted me at the door.

"When?" I yelled with excitement and ran to get the phone.

"Mom, let me finish... She called about two hours ago." I got my notebook out and began to look for her phone number. I couldn't find it. I then immediately called Zhevair in Ohrid, the cousin of the man who had bought the house.

"Hello, good day. I hear Milena from Belgrade was looking for me?!" I said quickly and excitedly.

"Yes, we were looking for you," he said. "We wanted to tell you that my cousin has finally made up his mind... He is selling the house. Things didn't go right with it. Would you be able to go to Belgrade because my cousin is seriously ill... He can't travel. But...

let me also tell you that he will be asking for more money... much more money than he bought it for. He wants to buy a two-room apartment with the money he gets... or you can buy the two room apartment for him... in Ohrid... and then you can make the exchange." I didn't like the words in his last sentence at all. I wanted to immediately call Milena. I felt if I delayed he might change his mind...

"Zhevair please give me Milena's phone number, I want to call her." I said.

Zhevair gave me the number and after I thanked him I quickly hung up.

I immediately called Milena.

"Yes," I heard her ringing voice say.

"Hello Milena, I hear you have been looking for me..." I said with a trembling voice.

"Yes I have, I wanted to tell you that my colleague who bought my little house in Ohrid wants to sell it but," she said and paused for a moment. She then said "but under different conditions... He is asking for much more money than what he paid me to buy it. He will give up the house only under the new conditions. I tried to dissuade him but he refused to change his mind..." replied Milena sounding uncomfortable.

She also told me about the amount of money he was asking for but I pretended I didn't hear that so I said:

"We will talk about it when I come to Belgrade. I will be there in two to three days.

We couldn't agree.

Our conversation in Milena's apartment in Belgrade wasn't pleasant at all. Apparently Milena's colleague selling the house wanted to make a big profit, especially when he found out that the little house had become my life's obsession. He wanted three times more than he'd paid. When I heard that, I got angry and ended the negotiation.

I left for Skopje on the first train.

Two weeks later, I went back to Belgrade. I arrived by train early in the morning. I didn't get any sleep the night before. And despite the outrageous conditions imposed on me, I didn't give up on the house!

Is it possible that what I was doing was something that was preordained?! What was driving me to want that house so badly?

That small dilapidated house already in ruins built a century ago, by who knows who? It wasn't just the house... What attracted me to this place was the lake. The lake was right next to the house that made me want it so badly! That beautiful, wonderful, sparkling, playful, restless, overflowing with different shades of colors, frightening with roars, sometimes completely silent and soothing, divine lake - here right next to me... in every moment of the day and night next to me, with me...

I decided to talk about this whole matter with my husband Mitko. I was afraid that he might not agree with what I was doing. I told him I was going to Belgrade to talk with Milena and the man who currently owned the house. But all Mitko did was shrug his shoulders and raise his eyebrows. But I knew he wasn't happy. The expression on his face gave me the idea that he wasn't pleased. But that didn't stop me from going to Belgrade. This time I was accompanied by my niece.

The next evening my niece and I returned from Belgrade with an agreement in hand. It was a piece of paper with several signatures and stamps on it. I also had the key to the big, rusty padlock. I couldn't believe it!

The house, that little house on the very shore of Lake Ohrid, was mine! Was this real or just a figment of my imagination? To make sure it was real I kept reaching into my pocket and feeling the key.

When I returned home my husband had already left for work and my children had gone to school. From the start I knew Mitko wasn't happy with what I was doing and thought I was foolish. He wouldn't be happy when he found out I'd bought the house.

A while later I too went to work. I decided not to tell my colleagues that I'd bought the house. I felt I needed some time to assure myself the house was mine. Ours... Also I didn't want to tell Mitko over the phone. I wanted to see his reaction. I wanted him to be happy!

When we got home the four of us ate our lunch in silence.

After we finished the children left for their English lessons. They didn't ask how I did with the house in Ohrid. It was as if they were afraid to ask.

I couldn't believe that Mitko hadn't asked either.

I couldn't stand it anymore. Just as I was finishing clearing the table I said:

"We should open a bottle of champagne and celebrate! My big dream has come true... and I believe yours too! We now own our own house on the shore of Lake Ohrid!" And, excitedly, I took out a bottle of champagne from the cupboard.

After a moment of silence my husband spoke slowly and said:

"And you, Violeta, you call that a house? I would be embarrassed to show people what we bought! I mean the kind of house my wife bought!" He emphasized the second sentence pronouncing each word with a tone of irony.

"What do you mean by 'my wife bought'? You surprise me! And as for the house, you can be sure that everyone will envy us after we fix it up!" I replied. "And I don't understand why you need that irony!" Mitko stopped talking and made an unusual face at me. I felt that something wasn't right. I was hoping he would say something more but he didn't. Our conversation ended without a resolution.

He didn't even look at the bottle of champagne.

Before he went to the window and stood there with his back towards me, he had a cold look in his eyes. It was directed somewhere, I wasn't sure where. I had never seen such an expression in all the years we'd been together.

"I thought you would be overjoyed, given that you love Ohrid and the lake. We've never been on vacation anywhere except for Ohrid.

Many of the people we know have been to other places, even countries, many times and spend their annual vacations on various seas." Mitko remained silent. He didn't even turn around to look at me. I slowly took the champagne glasses off the table and put them away.

All that time he stood there, looking out the window, with his back turned to me. I was annoyed with him and wanted to yell at him but to avoid that I left the dining room and went into the living room. I left the door to the dining room open.

When the children came back from their English lessons they went directly into the dining room and one of them yelled:

"Mom, I'm sorry we didn't ask you how it went in Belgrade. We were in a hurry to go to school. Did you buy the house?!" I came back from the kitchen quickly. When I told them that the house was finally ours, knowing how much I wanted to buy that house, they jumped with joy and threw themselves at me, hugging me.

After they had finished hugging me they looked at their father, who had opened a newspaper and wasn't looking. They quickly realized that for some reason he was in a bad mood, but they still went to him, one on each side, and gave him a hug too.

After that they wanted to know how my trip to Belgrade was and if everything regarding the purchase of the house in Ohrid was finalized.

"Will we be able to spend the summer in the house?" my daughter Slavica asked.

Mitko laughed quietly at that question but the children didn't notice.

"There are a lot of repairs and renovations that need to be done before it can be used," I said. "It will depend on whether we can find good construction workers who will do the work unsupervised. I won't be able to supervise them because I have to go to work here in Skopje. So, it may take some time before we are able to use the house. But the most important job is done. The house is ours. To tell you the truth, I still can't believe it... It still feels like I'm dreaming..." From time to time Slavica and my son Mile looked at their father sitting in the living room looking at the newspaper. And all this time they never once asked me what was wrong with him. I guess they didn't want him to hear them.

A week or two later... News about purchasing the house quickly spread among our friends, even more so among our relatives. All of them were congratulating us. I noticed this irritated Mitko. He was constantly in a bad mood and rarely spoke to me or to our children.

This sapped my happiness and robbed me of my joy...

One day Mitko didn't come home for lunch and he didn't call to let me know he wasn't coming. He always called me when he had to stay and work. This was the first time he'd done this since we were married. I also noticed that he stayed in bed longer on the weekends when he wasn't going to work. He often went out in the evenings without telling me where he was going. He was constantly sitting in front of the television when he was at home. He had withdrawn into himself. He was in no mood for conversation.

I was eager to go to Ohrid and visit the little house. I was hoping to spend a weekend just looking around. I had not yet been inside. We purchased it out of the blue! There wasn't much to see of the outside and I imagined the inside was even worse. But that didn't worry me at all. Human hands could fix anything...

Unfortunately Mitko was constantly in a bad mood and I didn't dare say anything to him. I waited a while but there was no change. One day I decided to speak to him.

I said "Mitko, is there something wrong with you? What's happening to you? Are you okay health-wise? Is there something wrong at work?" This time he was in a bad mood too and didn't feel like talking. He just waved his hand and left the room. He went outside. When I looked out the window, I saw him nervously pacing in the yard. I started to worry. I didn't know how to get him to tell me what was wrong. Was it because I'd bought the house in Ohrid? Or was it something completely different?

During the second month after we purchased the house in Ohrid something unexpected happened. I could never have fathomed that something like that could happen...

Mitko left home.

Shortly after lunch one afternoon I watched him hurry into the bedroom, take his clothes out of the closet and pack them in suitcases. He packed only some of his belongings, not everything. I figured that he took only what he needed. He then picked up his suitcases and before leaving the house he said something garbled, which I could hardly understand and sounded like he wanted to live alone for a while. He then left the apartment. I looked out the window and saw him put his suitcases into the trunk of a taxi, which he'd obviously called earlier. He then got in the taxi and left.

I didn't know what was happening. I felt distressed. I couldn't move. I thought I was going to collapse... I couldn't believe that my Mitko was even capable of doing such a thing... How could he do that...? Suddenly leave me and the children... and without an explanation... Not even a word!

I never got the chance to ask him where he was going. I truly thought he was going to come back... any moment now.

But he didn't...

All night I lay awake alone in the bed we'd shared for many years. I tried to figure out what I'd done that would make him do such a reckless thing. Was it because I had bought the house in Ohrid? I had a hard time believing that that was the real reason. Maybe it was because I'd never told him about the money I had saved without his knowledge... Any other husband would have been amazed by his wife's frugality... And more amazing would be the fact that I didn't spend the money on myself. I bought a house for everyone... On the very shore of his favourite lake!

All kinds of thoughts ran through my mind Was it possible that he had another woman with whom he had a relationship...? And had he used the house as an excuse to leave me?

When our children asked me where their father was, I told them that he'd gone on a long business trip. I too wanted to believe that... I wanted him to come back. It was best to tell them a lie until I figured out what was really happening. Mitko often went on long business trips, so my children believed me; they had no reason to doubt me. He worked for an insurance company and often went on long trips.

Painfully difficult days followed. The uncertainty was the worst.

Didn't I deserve an explanation? Shouldn't he have talked to me?

Explain whatever had happened to him in his life.., even if it was another woman...? It was possible for a middle aged person, be it a man or a woman, to fall in love with another person. Sometimes people were unable to resist feelings like that. But he chose to leave home without saying a single word. This made me question every action, not just his but also my own. But there was nothing I could find that was so overwhelming to cause this sudden break.

It was becoming increasingly clear to my children that I was hiding something from them about their father's absence. Eventually I would have to tell them the truth. They weren't that young... They couldn't be deceived that easily. Unfortunately I didn't know what to tell them because I myself didn't yet know the real reason for him leaving us.

Sometime later I decided to speak to a mutual friend of ours who worked with my husband. I asked her if he came to work regularly and if any of the other employees knew what had happened between me and Mitko. She was surprised by my question. Not only did she not know about us but neither did anyone in the company, because my husband's behaviour hadn't changed. He went to work regularly, same as before, did his job normally and often traveled on business.

He didn't seem to be particularly upset.

I wanted to know where he went after work, especially where he lived, so I came up with a plan. It was a bit humiliating but I decided to follow him after he left work. I would park my car in a place far away from the company entrance so that Mitko wouldn't see me. I would then follow him where he went after work. Mitko was riding a bicycle so I wasn't worried about him seeing me. One day I put my plan into action and followed him from his work to a large house. He didn't see me following him. I waited in the distance as he locked his bicycle in the bicycle rack in front of the building and went inside.

After he went inside I waited a while before going to the entrance.

There were four doors on the ground floor, apparently to the four apartments. I hesitated but still rang the doorbell of the first door on the left. An older man came out. He had grey hair and wore glasses with thick lenses, behind which I could barely see his light blue eyes.

"Excuse me Sir," I said, "a little while ago a man came into this building. He looked like a friend of mine whom I've been looking for... Are you the caretaker of this house?" "Yes, yes I am," he replied and looked at my face carefully, as if wanting to read the real reason why I was here.

"Did you see anyone enter through this door not too long ago?" I asked quietly.

"Yes, a gentleman came in not too long ago. He is a newcomer to this building. He rented apartment number 7. A fully furnished apartment on the second floor," replied the caretaker.

I was going to ask him if the man moved in alone or with a woman, but I figured that would be inappropriate. I thanked him and immediately left in a hurry. I was afraid I might be tempted to climb up the stairs and go to Mitko '5 apartment. There was no doubt that he lived here. I must have also piqued the caretaker's curiosity. He stood outside the entrance until I drove away.

The next evening I went back. I parked my car not far from the building. I tried to figure out which was his window. Not long after I saw a silhouette. It was my husband behind one of the curtains on the second floor. I never doubted that it was him. I strained my eyes to see if there was another silhouette, perhaps of a woman. I didn't see one. I felt better for a moment... But then I thought she could be lying down or sitting down, so that she couldn't be seen.

During my second visit with my friend Nena she tried to persuade me to call him on the telephone and ask him to meet with me. Or perhaps she could arrange a meeting for us, which she could also attend if necessary. I agreed to the second option. I had to somehow figure out what was happening with Mitko.

Later that day Nena told me that he didn't want to meet with me.

Nena then tried to persuade me to go and see him at his work, but I couldn't decide if that was a good idea. At that moment I felt hurt.

Soon I would have to tell my children what I knew about their father leaving... It was strange that they hadn't yet run into him in the city.

Or perhaps they had and already knew that he'd left home but were keeping quiet about it.

Every day I came home from work depressed, disappointed, still not believing what was happening to me. One day I felt a hand on my right shoulder. I turned suddenly... It was a family friend. He was an older man who was friends with my father, a psychiatrist by profession.

"What are you thinking about? You look tired..." he said.

And even though he said that like he was joking, he had a worried look on his face.

"I was looking for you. I wanted to talk to you about your husband," he added.

I was surprised at his question and said loudly:

"What about him?"

"This kind of conversation, Violeta, is not for the street. Can you come to my office tomorrow? You can come anytime..." he replied in an unnatural and still joking tone of voice.

"Where are you headed right now?" I asked. "Can we go to your office right now? I can't wait until tomorrow," I added.

The doctor hesitated a bit but agreed.

"Then, let's go," he replied with a smile after he saw how upset I was.

There was no one in the office. Even the cleaning lady was gone.

The doctor asked me to sit down. "What could he want to tell me about my husband?" I wondered. "What could he possibly know about him? How would he...?" My entire body was trembling...

"Something bad must have happened to him? I" I thought.

Would you like a coffee?" asked the doctor.

"Yes," I said, "I would really like one right now." "If my memory serves me right, you drink your coffee with half a teaspoon of sugar," he said.

"I can't believe you remember that. You have a good memory," I replied.

"Unfortunately that's not always good, especially in my profession.

You work in a bank, right? I envy you. You are right there with the money," he said.

"What is there to envy? I am a lawyer. The money isn't mine, it belongs to the bank..." I replied jokingly.

"The coffee is ready," he said and after he gave me my cup he said:

"According to the doctor's code I shouldn't be telling you this, especially things from someone's distant past. But since you've been with Mitko many years, I will break that code. Mitko, your husband, was my patient when he was sixteen and seventeen years old. He felt he'd been mistreated by his father and much older sister and that his mother did nothing to protect him... So in his own mind he felt that the three had conspired against him. Compared to his sister, Mitko was a quiet person and calm in nature. He never stood up to his father, to his often harsh dominance, primarily physical, and withdrew into himself. He started falling behind in his studies and the teacher, who was obviously not a good teacher, also started humiliating him in front of the other students. He even physically abused him from time to time, as Mitko later told me. As a consequence of all these things, and also due to the very frequent absence of his father from home, he spent a lot of time in bars with various people both male and female. Then he started to skip school and locked himself in his room at home. All alone...

Concerned about Mitko's behaviour, his father, who was a friend of mine, asked me to have a talk with him. One day I met him by chance when he was leaving school. He agreed to see me. His therapy lasted several months. With my help and some medication he overcame his burden.

And, as you know, he completed his university education in Skopje.

Living in the dormitory helped him a lot to get rid of his psychological burdens. His parents were grateful for what I'd done and for educating them about how to deal with him. I insisted that they let him go to Skopje instead of keeping him home to study in Kavadarci..." The doctor paused for a moment and then said:

"I've already said too much. But still I thought it was necessary for you to know all this, so that you can accept his current behaviour towards you more easily.

He told me in detail everything that happened between the two of you. He came to see me several times.

But let us go a little further back. I was caught between a rock and a hard place when you decided to get married. I was close to both families. I wanted to tell you about his crisis but I figured it was in his past... Pubertal, like some delayed puberty. I knew more about him than anyone else. I was convinced that his problems belonged in the past. That's why I didn't say anything to you or your family.

And at the same time, knowing you from a young age, I was convinced that you were a very strong person and that you could help him succeed in life. And I wasn't lying to myself..." I sat motionless the entire time the doctor was talking, like someone had nailed me to the chair. When he stopped talking I said:

"All these things you're telling me took place in the distant past.

They are gone. But this is now, what's happening to him now?!

What is bothering him now?! Like everything else a marriage has its ups and downs. If something is bothering him so badly let him speak... Let him complain... Let him rebel... Why is he like this?

He is scaring me and our children! I'm worried about him." He said: "Things are not so simple. Mitko's situation is similar to dormant bacteria that lurk in the human body. You can never predict when they will activate. As far as I understood from the recent conversations I had with him, the immediate reason for his current, in a certain sense uncontrolled, situation was the purchase of the house in Ohrid." I wanted to immediately react when the doctor said that but I let him continue.

"Your husband doesn't like that house. And you didn't even consult with him when you decided to buy it. You completely ignored him.

You made the decision all on your own. He was surprised in a bad way. He was more surprised, even shocked, when you told him you'd hidden money from him. His trust in you collapsed all of a sudden. Is that true...? Did you decide all on your own to buy the house?! Every time he came to see me he started the conversation with the words: 'What do I count for in our marriage? I count for nothing! I'm nobody!'..." "Is that what he really said?" I asked.

"To be honest with you, if I were in his place, I would feel the same way... " replied the doctor.

I stared at him and angrily said:

"He set himself up for that! Ever since we began our life together he gave me almost all his money, including his earnings from work. I was responsible for all of our money. On top of that he avoided his responsibilities for solving problems. He left that up to me...

because he knew I would do my best. And I did. It was as if I had a gift for practical things. I bought the smallest and largest things by myself. He seemed overjoyed that he didn't have to deal with things.

He didn't have to think or worry about anything. He had devoted himself, all these past years, to his own pleasures, enjoying his own peace. Even taking care of the children didn't seem to be part of his responsibilities."

"Knowing him I believe you," replied the doctor. "He inherited a bit of that from his father. Even though he was in constant confrontation with him he inherited some of his father's characteristics. But buying a house is a big investment, wouldn't you agree? It doesn't matter if it is big or small, new or old... On the other hand, I won't let him off the hook either because he didn't immediately object. He should have immediately reacted! As soon as you started talking about buying the house in Ohrid, he should have said something if he didn't want you to buy it." The doctor got up from his chair and started pacing back and forth as if deciding whether to tell me more things or not.

"There is something else you should know, which I guess you don't know. For sure he didn't tell you about his meeting with his sister and brother-in-law in the old bazaar in the city. This took place before he left your house. He told me about his meeting during one of our visits. I concluded that the problem regarding the purchase of the house surfaced even more after his conversation with his sister and her husband.

He told me he went for coffee and a chat with them.

During their conversation he said 'My wife bought a house in Ohrid...' He wanted to boast to his sister and brother-in-law.

After they had their laugh, they both, in a single voice, said 'That's impossible... How could Violeta buy a house... with what?' 'She bought it on her own, I was neither for nor against it,' replied Mitko.

'That's how it's always been with you,' said his sister, 'just like that, no big deal!'

'Anyway, where did Violeta get that kind of money? Did she inherit it or something? That sister-in-law of mine is dangerous," added his sister mockingly.

'She saved it. I didn't know about it but she saved it!' replied Mitko.

'My wife knows that I am a soft soul... If I knew about the money I would have spent it. She knew that. If I had money in my pocket I would have spent it in some bar somewhere. Before I met her half my salary was spent in bars! She was right to hide it from me,' said Mitko.

'Get out of here... that's impossible! Why can't I save money like that? I try very hard to save enough money from the first of the month to last me to the end of the month... and still I fall short,' added his sister.

There was an agonizing silence, after which Mitko immediately left," concluded the doctor and stopped talking.

I didn't say anything so he continued:

"When he came to see me the next day, I could tell by the expression on his face that he wasn't himself. He looked like he had experienced some kind of trauma. As the days passed after his meeting with his sister he became worse. He started looking for flaws, for things that had gone wrong while living with you. He couldn't sleep. He spent many sleepless nights. He began to hate the house you bought in Obrid and your apartment in Skopje.